joke-of-the-week

[Ivor Nidea]

It's not a joke but I found it amusing.

http://loire.angloinfo.com/forum/viewtopic/33133/0/cat-killing-birds/

[HoneySuckleDreams]

[quote user="Ivor Nidea"]

It's not a joke but I found it amusing.

http://loire.angloinfo.com/forum/viewtopic/33133/0/cat-killing-birds/

[/quote]

Similar vein...but also very funny.

Missing Missy ... http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

 

NB. The Overdue Account and Rocks (Things Holly and I have argued about this week) are both worth a read

 

[Ivor Nidea]

A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

 "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

 Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?"

 "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

 "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

[Pommier]

[quote user="HoneySuckleDreams"][quote user="Ivor Nidea"]

It's not a joke but I found it amusing.

http://loire.angloinfo.com/forum/viewtopic/33133/0/cat-killing-birds/

[/quote]

Similar vein...but also very funny.

Missing Missy ... http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

 

NB. The Overdue Account and Rocks (Things Holly and I have argued about this week) are both worth a read

Excellent!

 

[/quote]

[Alan Zoff]

Little Johnny decides he's now big and hard so when Mum asks him what he wants for breakfast he replies that he will have "f*cking cornflakes".
 
Livid, his mother smacks his ear, sends him to the bathroom and tells him not to come out until he has washed his filthy mouth out with soap.
 
She then turns to his younger brother and asks him what he will have for breakfast.
 
Billy, still trembling from the earlier outburst, replies: "Well not f*cking cornflakes, that's for certain".

[NormanH]

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .

Being

seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to

continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for

four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The

man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the

clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth

$350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the

'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The

Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an

Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for

us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The

Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one

of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best

entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,"

the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The

Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed

topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the

check.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"I was there, and you could have."

[NickP]

Where can I shop now???

 

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries at the Supermarket the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this  excessive security, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and the hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

None the less, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

  Man I hate this getting older stuff!!!    

[Racerbear02]

The local radio station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[Alan Zoff]

Don't try to argue with a blonde in authority

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrive at the ferry checkpoint.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in that car. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons. It's just four-wheel drive for goodness sake."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you all onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth."

The driver is now very cross, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with a bit of intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "Sharon's busy over there with the two jokers in the Fiat Uno."

[Racerbear02]

My pet mouse 'Elvis' died yesterday. He was caught in a trap.

[Racerbear02]

Scenario :

Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1955  - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up  best friends.

2012

- Police called, and they arrest Johnny and  Mark. Charge them with

assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.  Both children go

to anger management programmes for 3 months. School  governors hold

meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

 

Scenario :

Robbie won't  be still in class, disrupts other students.

1955

- Robbie  sent to the office and given six of the best by the

Principal. Returns to  class, sits still and does not disrupt class

again.

2012 -  Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a

zombie. Tested for ADHD -  result deemed to be positive. Robbie's

parents get fortnightly disability  payments and school gets extra

funding from government because Robbie has a  disability.

 

Scenario :

Billy breaks  a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his  belt.

1955 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,  goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 -  Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins  a gang; ends up in jail.

 

Scenario :

Mark gets a  headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1955 - Mark gets glass  of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a  solicitor.

2012- Police called, car searched for drugs and  weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop  out.

 

Scenario  :

Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Cracker night, puts them in  a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1955 - Wasps  die.

2012-

Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny  charged with domestic

terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from  home, computers

confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is  never

allowed to fly in an airplane again.

 

Scenario :

Johnny

falls  over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He

is found  crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1955 -  In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie. No  damage done.

2012

- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator  and loses her job. She

faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of  therapy and ends

up gay.

 

[Dave&Olive]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love
the

things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken

literally.......*

*  A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was

squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

*

*She went back to find out what was going on.

*

*He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been

circumcised and he was quite itchy.

*

*The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

*

*He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about

it.  He did and returned to his class.

*

*Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

*

*She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with
his

'little willie' hanging out.

*

*'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

*

*'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until

lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school. *

-- 

[Racerbear02]

A man is alone in an airport lounge.  A beautiful woman walks in and

sits down at the table next to him. As she's wearing a uniform he

assumes she's an off-duty stewardess and decides to impress her by

naming the airline she works for.   He leans across to her and says the

British Airways motto:'To Fly. To Serve'.

 

The woman looks at him blankly, so he sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:'Winning the hearts of the world'.

 

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:'Going beyond expectations'.

 

The woman looks at him sternly and says:'What the f*** do you want?'

 

'Ah!' he says "Ryanair!"

[Pierre ZFP]

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !

Dead Penguins - I never knew this! 

　

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?  Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! ! 

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

　

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

 

 

 

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

　

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people. 

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! 

　

Oh stop whining I fell for it, too

[tonyinfrance]

I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

 

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

 

"You can f*^k right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

 

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

 

"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."

[JohnM]

We had a power cut last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.

They seem like nice people.

[Racerbear02]

Those of you who have even a slight mechanic’s mind will love this.

You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story...

 A

toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes

without the tube of toothpaste inside. This challenged their perceived

quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important

the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled all of

his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to

solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process:

budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected.

Six

months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solutution - on

time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

 

They

solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would

sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less

than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the

defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a

result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being

shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints,

the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. At the end of the first

month, he reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number

of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent

with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated

rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the

engineers check the equipment and they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled,

the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line

where the precision scale was installed, and observed that just ahead of

the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty

boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what

that was about.

 

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied,"Bert, the

kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over,

removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bloody bell

rang.”

[Dave&Olive]

hands up who did not laugh at this

 

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8Yf5B6GbYk

                  Dave

[Racerbear02]

Even if you don’t have a scientific background you will appreciate this new discovery…

 

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The

new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant

neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving

it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by

forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of

lefton-like particles called peons.  Since Governmentium has no

electrons or protons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected, because

it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A

tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less

than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. 

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years.  It does not decay

but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the

assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact,

Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each

reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming

isodopes.  This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists

to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical

concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical

morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes

Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as

Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. 

All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products

are produced.

[Dave&Olive]

THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM

 

Because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance...

 

 

A condom allows for inflation,

 

halts production,

 

destroys the next generation,

 

protects a bunch of dicks,

 

and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

 

 

 

Damn, it just doesn't get

 

more accurate than that!

[Pierre ZFP]

Highbrow jokes

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

 

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road…

Ten minutes later, three men walk out.

The physicist looks confused and says "There must an error in the measurements."

The biologist retorts "No, they must have reproduced!"

To which the mathematician says "If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.

 

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

　

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I think I’ve lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I’m positive…"

 

 A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, "For you? No charge."

 

- A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage.  The photon replies: "No, I’m travelling light."

 

- Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub.  The phone rings.  He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"

 

- When I heard that oxygen and magnesium had hooked up, I was like OMg.

 

- The barman says: "We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here."  A tachyon enters a bar.

 

- A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: "Make me one with everything".

 

- What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

 

- An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

 

- Never trust an atom.  They make up everything.

 

- A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting  next to him.  Excited, he asks: "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"

 

- A Roman walks into a bar,  holds up two fingers, and says:  "Five beers, please."

 

- Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?  He’s 0K now.

 

- An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.  The bartender says: "What’ll it be, boys?" The first mathematician: "I’ll have one half of a beer."  The second mathematician: "I’ll have one quarter of a beer."  The third mathematician: "I’ll have one eighth of a beer."  The fourth mathematician: "I’ll have one sixteenth of a…"  The bartender interrupts: "Know your limits, boys" as he pours out a single beer.

 

- A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.  The tailor asks: "Euripides?"  The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

 

- A programmer’s wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."  The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

 

[Yonner]

excellent work Pierre

[Pierre ZFP]

Ah would that the work was mine......I am merely the messenger .......

[Alan Zoff]

A woman was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating​ ​furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that ​at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles ​could easily rupture."

"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly,

"Same illness, but he’s with BUPA."

[Racerbear02]

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you   standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,

who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The maths teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '