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hi ok

        I will start


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came flouncing down the aisle and said...
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so, lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' 
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no-one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch.' 


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  • 4 months later...
During a visit to the seniors home, I asked the director how do you

determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to

empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the


"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Gerald was in a mental health hospital.

Every year on his birthday he would march to the entrance in the attempt to leave.

Each year the security man would ask him why he was pulling a piece of string with a tooth brush on it.

Every time Gerald said it's my dog Harry.

At which the man would be returned to his bed.

Finally one year Gerald got to the entrance.

The security man asked what he was pulling on the end of a piece of string.

Gerald said it's my tooth brush.

He was allowed to leave - as he walked down the road he turned around and said "We fooled them Harry".


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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did each trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Not the same hat!"

"Flowers are under the table."

"All the cards are the ace of spades"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank in a storm.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.


They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"


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one for the women


Black Bra


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.


Here's how it all went.


My engaged friend:  When my boyfriend came over the other night, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you."  Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:  Me too!  I met my lover at his office and I was wearing only a raincoat, black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:  When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman

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like that


   General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.  

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you've got to love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.


So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?


I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.


Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?


I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


But you're equipping them to become violent killers.


Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio cast
  went silent for 46 seconds and  when it returned, the interview was over.  


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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her


"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell

me now."

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon! ?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy,

and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'


'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo s!$%. It means someone stole the tent [:)]

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Un petit bonhomme fait un pari avec une femme corpulente, comme quoi il est capable de la faire jouir vingt fois par jour, à condition que ce soit dans le noir et que chaque demi-heure il sorte 2 minutes pour respirer.

La femme accepte, ils se couchent, et vers la 15e fois la femme n'en peut plus et demande d'arrêter, suite de quoi elle allume la lumière. Ce faisant, elle voit un type bien désagréable et mal rasé.

- Qui êtes-vous ??? demande la femme, affolée, Et où est le petit bonhomme avec des lunettes ???

- Quoi? Celui qui vend les billets ?

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  • 2 weeks later...

For all you Geordies...

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.

  Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please".

To loud applause Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

  Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

  Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"


  Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance".


  So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"


  Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.   Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.


  But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"


  Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?"


  Silence hangs over the stadium.


  Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

  Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie

crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and   scream..................








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A London bond trader parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The banker looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????....
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 Lipstick in school


According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle Upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put their lipstick on, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took a long-handle squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers...........and then there are educators.


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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in   Antarctica  - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is

very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as

maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is

found dead on the ice surface, other members of  the family and social

circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:























                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow"

                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow."






















                        "Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!!

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  • 1 month later...
The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to  Bagdad to watch a young Iraqi play  football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later  Liverpool are 4-0 down to  Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for  Liverpool  .   The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
“Hello mum, guess what?” he says “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me!”
“Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing football!”
The young lad is very upset.. “What can I say mum, but I am so sorry.”
“Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to  Liverpool in the first Place.”




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  • 4 weeks later...

you know it`s going ti be a good one .......

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

' My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!' 


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  • 3 weeks later...
I thort U mite lyke this 1


Ode to spell checkers

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
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