joke-of-the-week

[Frecossais]

This is lovely, so amusing and wry.

[Racerbear02]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?!"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE!!!"

[Charly]

My Wife has been missing for over a week now - the Police have told me to prepare for the worst, so it looks like I'll have to go down to the Charity shop and get all her clothes back !!

[PaulT]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl.

"10???" says the council worker, "what are their names?"

"wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne and wayne".

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the essex girl, "it's great because if they are out playing in the street i just have to shout waayne, yer dinners ready or waayne go to bed now and they all do it".

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"Thats easy," says the essex girl "I just use their surnames".

 

 

[Racerbear02]

It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men.

Laurel and Hardy.

[Alan Zoff]

Police officer: I'm sorry to have to inform you Mr Smith that it looks as though your wife has been in a serious accident.

Mr Smith: Yes, but she can't half cook.

[Charly]

I had a dream the other night that the Grim Reaper came for me.  I eventually fought him off with my vacuum cleaner.

F*** me, talk about Dyson with death !

[Bugsy]

deleted.......duplicate post

.

[Bugsy]

A businessman... checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Cheryl, a lovely looking girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell I'll give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. Hang on, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"

She says...

"That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."[Www][:$]

.

[LEO]

A man went to Harley

Street clinic in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's

Assistant.

The receptionist told him:

"This job entails

preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You

will be responsible for helping them out

of their underwear,

laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying

shaving

foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted

foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub

in soothing

oils, in preparation for the

examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary

is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to

Manchester."

"My goodness!", exclaimed

the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She

answered, "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is..."

[just john]

Nymphomaniac  Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at  London 's Heathrow Airport for New York ,  and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful  woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight  toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside  him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or  vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said,  "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United  States .."

He swallowed  hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next  to him, and she was going to a meeting for  nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he  calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience  to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are  those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that  trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best  lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.  "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said.  "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."  

 

[Mac]

A YORKSHIRE LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death,

he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones

wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength,

and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall,

he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,

and with even greater effort,

gripping the railing with both hands,

he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath,

he leaned against the door-frame,

gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony,

he would have thought himself already in heaven,

for there, spread out upon the kitchen table

were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of love

from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years,

seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort,

he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand

trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table,

when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

with a wooden spoon ......

*

*

*

*

*

'Bugger off'.

she said,

'they're for the funeral.'

[Dave&Olive]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's
libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the
doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He
won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into
his coffee, he won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid!... Just terrible,
doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked
the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it
in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,
'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't
good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex
I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never
be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again! 

[crossy67]

Cinderella is now 95 years

old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,

she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching

the world go by from her front porch, with a cat

named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you

doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life

since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? I

will grant you 3 wishes.'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration,

she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor..

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy

beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,

'Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,

'It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and

full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella  felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the

corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and

handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological

make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of

him  neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone

as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect

man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,

& held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he

whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you cut my nuts off now.'

[Christine Animal]

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop.   [:)]

 

[idun]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE

[Mac]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.

[Clarkkent]

What's got over 200 legs and no pubic hair?

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The first three rows at a Take That concert.

[audio]

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?” Asked granddad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, peed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?” he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!” replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, peed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!” replied the granddad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the granddad. "The SS."

[Dave&Olive]

Paddy and Murphy doing a crossword,"I'm stuck on 2 down Murphy: flightless bird from Iceland(6,7) ..Murphy replies "ya thick twit that's easy...

 

 

 

 

 

 

              frozen chicken!!

[Dave&Olive]

ARCHIVE An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[crossy67]

Chelsea and Arsenal are set to meet 3 times this season.

Twice in the Premier League and once in the African Cup of Nations.

[crossy67]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."

I said, "You're not coming in mate!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

[Weedon]

Rupert Murdoch has been deeply touched by some of the messages people left on Amy Winehouse's phone..

[Alan Zoff]

Wicked!