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On 8 May 2010 an old man approached Downing Street. He spoke to the
policeman standing guard and said,

"I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The policeman looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer prime
minister and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached Downing Street and said to the
same policeman, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The policeman again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Brown is no
longer prime minister and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached Downing Street and spoke to the very
same policeman, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The policeman, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Brown. I've told you already that Mr. Brown is no longer prime
minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the policeman and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The policeman snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow,
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Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter:  " 'old on, before your allowed in here you have to answer three questions. Number one - How many weekdays begin with "T"?

FG:                " ... er ...  Today & Tomorrow."

St Peter:         " It's going to be one of those days. OK then. How many seconds are there in a year?

FG:                "... er ... 12 "

St Peter          "What?"

FG:                " 2nd January .... 2nd Feb ....  2nd March .... 2nd April "

St Peter (getting exasperated)   " OK then, 3rd question:  You know the australian song "Waltzing Matilda"--know it ? "

FG:               "Yeah."
St P:             "What was the name of the singer?

FG:              "Easy  -   Andy "

St P             "Whaaaat!!!"





FG:             "Andy sang, Andy sat, Andy waited till his billy boiled ... you'll come a walzing Matilda with me."

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The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she ben ds over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.’
Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and Says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and Buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife ben ds over to set her ball On the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, Too, is wearing no undies.’
Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?
'She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the Sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some Underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife ben ds over. The wind also takes Her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet muddier of Jaysus, Aggie! Where at friggin hell are yer drawers?
'She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at Be able at affarrd any.’
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, Fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit. 
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Christmas Eve and a local convent is in mourning. Seven of its oldest nuns have just passed away overnight.

The seven find themselves at the Pearly Gates where they are met by St Peter…..” Sisters, you have devoted your life to Christ and your sudden death on the eve of his re-birth must be a shock to you all. I have been granted special authorisation to let you have one wish each”….The seven sisters surprised at this generous offer consult themselves and reply all together…” All our lives we have cherished and prayed the Holly Blessed Mother of God and as a wish we would very much like to meet her to ask her something. Impossible says St Peter, Holly Mother is a very busy person and even the last Pope didn’t get to see her”…..Sad but respectful as always the sisters started to walk away when a voice coming from no-where was heard…”Peter, let them in !” ….St Peter couldn’t believe his ears, Mary The Virgin wanted to see the seven nuns, and immediately for that !!!.....The seven nuns were rushed through a side door and ushered in front of the Holly Mother.

“Sisters, I want to thank you for your lives of devotion to my son and I. I believe you have a question for me………Holly Mother of God, we have prayed to you every morning and every night of our lives. We have seen pictures of you in the Bible, in lovelyoil paintings and we have seen statues of you in our church. Every time we saw you, your face was sad never a smile to be seen. We wanted to know why.”











Virgin Mary looks at them and with a very harsh look on her face she says “……………I wanted a girl !”
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Gordon Brown vistited Israel on government business. Whilst there Gordon had a heart attack and died.

The embassy spoke with London saying:

'You have two options; we can bury him here at a cost of £100 or you can have the body flown back to the UK at a cost of £100,000'.

After some deliberation London decided to fly GB's body back to the UK. On declaring they would have the body returned they were asked why there was a need to spend so much of the public's money.

The reply was as follows:

'A long time ago in Israel a man died, he was buried and three days later he rose again and

we just can't take the chance'.

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.'Give me one last request, dear,'he said. 
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. 
With his last breath John said, 'I do!' 

------------ --------- --------- --------

A man goes to see the Rabbi.. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' 
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' 
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' 
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' 
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' 
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' 
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to
 her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' 
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

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An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was sueing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'      .
'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident,   'I'm fine!'?'
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 
 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
     'How badly are you hurt?'


'Now what the fuck would you have said'?

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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School Reunion

Rachel, Clare and Samantha hadn't seen each other since Secondary School. They rediscovered each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrived first, wearing camel Versace. She ordered a bottle of chilled Chablis.
Clare arrived shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joined Rachel in a glass of Chablis.
Then Sam walked in, wearing a faded old Barbour, jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explained that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London, where Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.

Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida.

Sam explained that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots side by side on his willy.

Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurted out the her husband isn't Timothy, he's Tom and he's a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill, keep a caravan in France and Susan is a junior member of the local Amdram society.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by the honesty of her old friends, confessed that she and Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.

Samantha said that the fourth parrot had to stand on one leg.

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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer

when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling:

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of accelerator pedals.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder:

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose again, yelling:

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little chinese man back shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting:

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?

You must have the wrong name!

Who do you want to deliver these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
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A professor at the
Harvard University
was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Sh*t, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

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A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything

about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll

drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about

it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the

counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare

Graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.

test line. It's a good all around combination,

and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell

all that, just by the sound of it dropping on

The counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops

on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card,

she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then

realises there is no way the blind salesman

would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll

be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44.

How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

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Below is a load of one liners I've been sent from a mate in Zurich but I thought I'd add one of my own from real life

At the weekend I was in a supermarket and in front of me at the checkout was a really skinny girl, honestly you'd find more meat on a butcher's pencil.

She had a sparkly necklace on saying 'Guess'

So I thought 'Anorexic'?

Anyway, much better ones follow.....

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "[censored], I wasn't listening Self-raising?" - Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". - Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. - Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" - Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. - Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. - Milton Jones at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" - Arnold Brown at The Stand.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

"Close to comedy genius" - The Guardian. Don't worry. It's a newspaper for teachers. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during s$x. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I grew up in Slough in the 1970's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970's, go there now.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having s$ex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

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A Scouse Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would
you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

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   'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-


 'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -


 'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
 - General MacArthur - 

 'Tracers work both ways..'   - Army Ordnance Manual-


 'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
 - Infantry Journal - 

 'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
 - Naval Ops Manual -


 'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
 - Unknown Infantry Recruit-

 'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
 - Infantry Journal-

 'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
 - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

 'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
 - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

 'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
 -Unknown Author-

 'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

 'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
  -Multi-Engine Training Manual-

 'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
 -Unknown Author-

 'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
 -Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

 'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

 'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

 The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

 'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

  'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

 'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

 'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual


As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!



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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years  old,  but they know they are  in love.

One day they decide that they want to get  married, so Bruce goes to  Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely  walks up to him and says,  "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in  marriage."

Thinking that this was just the  cutest thing, Mr. Smith  replies, "Well Bruce, you  are only 10 . Where will  you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about  it, Bruce replies,   "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine   and we can both fit there  nicely." 

Still thinking this is just adorable,  Mr. Smith says with a huge  grin, "Okay, then how will  you live?
You're not old  enough to get a job. You'll  need to support Jenny." 

Again, Bruce instantly replies,  "Our allowance, Jenny makes  five bucks a week and I  make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,so that should do us just fine."  

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 

"Well Bruce, it  seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question.  What will you do if the two  of you should have little children of your own?"



 Bruce just  shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." 

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80 year old Bill is discretely looking at a Viagra advert whilst queuing at the chemist. He then notices his old pal John up the queue and in a quiet voice asks him what he makes of this new product. Without hesitation John says

” I am 90 year old and I have been using Viagra for a good few months now, it is of great help to me”

Bill is most surprised and asks John

“so at 90 years of age, you and Lilly are still at it???” …….John replies….”no, this has gone a long time ago but it stops me wetting my shoes every time I go for a pee….”

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'


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                               A High Flying London Bond Trader.


A London bond trader parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office building to show it off to his colleagues.


As he is getting out of his car, a speeding lorry passes too close to the car and takes off the driver’s door before speeding off.


More than a little a distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.


Five minutes later, the police arrive.


Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically, “My beautiful new silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the Panel Beater’s, it’ll never be the same again!!


After the man has finally finished his rant, the police officer shakes his head in total disbelief.


“I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody banker’s are,” he says.


“You lot are so focused on your own possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”


“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” Sobs the Porsche owner.


 The policeman replies, “Didn’t you realise that your right arm was severed off when the truck hit you?”


The banker looks down in shear horror.










>THE B’ASTARD, he screamed, He’s got my Rolex???







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