joke-of-the-week

[Alan Zoff]

I had a dream that I was on The Apprentice. I bragged that I was already an Egyptian multi-millionaire who owned a big department store.

Then Lord Sugar turned to me and said "Your Fayed".

[Gluestick]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread

gossip.

In ancient Greece  (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for

his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a

moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little

test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the

acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to

me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about

to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about

it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if  it's true

or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are

about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the

contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me

something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's

true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You

may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter

of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to

me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you

want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or

anyone at all?"  

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example

of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high

esteem.

It

also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was humping his wife. 

[Dave&Olive]

A few Tommy Cooper classics

1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them 

would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the 

hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The 

shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find 

any. 

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't 

reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, 

doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut 

your arms off'. 

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle. 

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it 

sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with 

hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 

'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds 

like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' 

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there 

anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, 

he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 

'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a 

lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my 

family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older 

brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one 

says 'So are you, you fat bastard!' 

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the 

other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left 

a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.' 

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several 

places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore! 

[just john]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 21 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 18.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,
''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son.  My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have  been 16'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started  school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at  the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast these days don't they?"

[Weedon]

In olden times, before the Victorians built their marvellous sewerage system, men pushed containers on wheelbarrows through the streets of London in the very early mornings collecting what is politely called ‘night water’. 

My great-great-great grandfather was one of these men, called ‘urinieres’, who were paid a penny for every full container brought into the depot. 

He had been doing the job for some time until one day he was called in by the chap in charge who said that he had noticed that from time to time he was bringing in short measures.

 

Consequently he was sacked for taking the p1ss.

 

No puns about my username please![:)]

[NickP]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the s*** out of him.

[Racerbear02]

 A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit…

The

female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the

body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black

suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she

always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants

him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and

says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue

suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the

wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue

suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She

says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did

an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..

'Honestly,

ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased

gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you

left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his

wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,

and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[crossy67]

As a blonde I have to say, I don't get it.

Very funny, seriously funny.

[Gluestick]

Irish Catholic Humor

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I

almost had an affair with another woman..'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I

stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's

and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over

to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according

to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering

the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to

me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a

glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was

sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're

beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A

few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor

creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an

animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's

no telling' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to

donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell

me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,

grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college

girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them

three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody, already!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young

girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old

he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting

senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to

zip down.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control

company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when

her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him

in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom

discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man

replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

[NickP]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long". [Www]

[Gluestick]

Reputed to be a true story.

A father takes his ten year old son to London for the day, sightseeing.

As their cab cuts through the edge of Soho, the lad sees loads of women lurking in doorways.

"Daddy: what are those ladies doing?"

"They are what we call, Ladies of Leisure, Son."

Cab driver, twisting his neck backwards like a contortionist, to speak through the gap in the sliding glass, says "Do the little lad a favour, Guv! Tell him they're Prossers!"

"What are "Prossers, Daddy?"

"Prostitutes, Son."

"Daddy: can prostitutes have babies"

"Yes they certainly can, Son."

"Daddy: what do prostitute's babies become when they grow up?"

"Cab Drivers, Son!"

[:D]

[Racerbear02]

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[Gluestick]

With the extreme cold spell in Britain has come a major advantage.

Labour politicians have been keeping their hands in their own pockets.

Rather than everyone else's!

[:D]

[Alan Zoff]

Works equally well without the "Labour"

[Pierre ZFP]

The Geordie Thermometer

---

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with their windows down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. Geordies throw a t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the North Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have the last barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if

its worth it. Geordie Boy scouts

start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.

Minus 500 Degrees. Hell freezes

over. Newcastle win a

trophy

[Racerbear02]

A seasonal selection

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way.

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe

for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also

consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,

particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,

permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To

avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request

that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise

nuisance.

 

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around.

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety

regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate

seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and

orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due

to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should

watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd

observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her

glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued

with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and

Glory.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load.

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that

a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the

guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many

rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that

due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph

are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne

particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little

and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment

upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his

equine rights.

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of

allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice

cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a

suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau

check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.

Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be

prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star.

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be

redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc,

gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential

risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift

alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients

name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in

order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or

satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice

regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA

for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require

regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also

advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

 

[just john]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE   (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:     What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:  Homosexuals.
Paxman:                 No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:            Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston:             There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:             Leicester.

 BBC   NORFOLK
Stewart White:      Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World'?
Contestant:            I don't   know.
White:                   I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?Contestant :          Arm.
White:                   Correct.      And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:            Strong.  
White:                    Correct -   and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:             Louis.
White:                   Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World'?
Contestant:            Frank Sinatra?   

 LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:       What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant:           France.
Trelinski:              France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:            Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:               Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:           Sorry, I don't know.  
Trelinski:               Just guess a country then.
Contestant:             Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK    (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: -    Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: -   Prison, or the Conservative Party?  
Contestant:            The Conservative Party.  

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark:              For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?  
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:            Goosey?  

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter:              What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant : I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter:              What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: 'Last Of The...'?
Caller:                   Mohicans.

 PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)  
Phil:                       What's 11 squared?

Contestant:            I don't know.
Phil:                       I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:            Is it five?  

 RICHARD AND JUDY
Q:                         Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A:                         Forrest Gump.  

 RICHARD AND JUDY

Leslie:                   On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:            Er. .  .
Leslie:                   He makes bread  . . .
Contestant:            Er . ...
Leslie:                   He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:             Kipling Street?

LINCS FM   P HONE-IN
Presenter:              Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:  Barcelona.
Presenter:              I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:            I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:               What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:  The Pacific  

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter:              Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:            Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:      What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:            Magna Carta?  

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:                How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:  Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER.ER ... Three?  

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle:                  In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:                   Japan.
Searle :                 I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:                   Er ....Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat:         How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant             (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:       In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:  Holland?
Denham:                 Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:             Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?  
Contestant:            No.  

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:       What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:            Nostalgia.  

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:                   What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:            Er. .. .  
Wood:                   It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .  
Contestant:            Blimey?
Wood:                   Ha ha, no.  The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:  (Silence)
Wood:                   OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:            Walked?    

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:              What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:  Jewish.
Presenter:              That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:                 Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.   Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:            Jesus

 

[Kitty]

Two 90 year old men, Dai and Emrys, have been friends all of their lives.

When

it's clear that Emrys is dying, Dai visits him every day. One day Dai

says, 'Emrys, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on

Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you

get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Emrys

looks up at Dai from his death bed,' Dai, you've been my best friend

for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly

after that, Emrys passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Dai

is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a

voice calling out to him, 'Dai--Dai.'

'Who is it? Asks Dai sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Dai--it's me, Emrys.'

'You're not Emrys. Emrys just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Emrys,' insists the voice.'

'Emrys! Where are you?'

  

'In heaven', replies Emrys. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Dai.

The

good news,' Emrys says,' is that there's rugby in heaven.  Better yet,

all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.  Better than

that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring

time and it never rains or snows.  And best of all, we can play rugby

all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Dai. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

[Mr Wiggy]

I did enjoy that one Cathy.

What about this one.

Jesus and the Robber.

 

One Night, a robber broke into a house, while searching through the down stairs rooms he found a desk and started rummaging in the desk.

While doing so, he heard a voice saying to him, “Jesus is watching you.” His first reaction to this was to say, “Who is there?” And again he heard the same voice, “Jesus is watching you.”

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot sitting on his perch. He asked the parrot, ”What’s your name?” The parrot replied, “Cornelius.”

The robber chuckled to himself then said, “What kind of name is that, and who on Earth would be daft enough give a parrot a name like that?”

The parrot replied,

“The very same person who would be daft enough to name that Rottweiler behind you, Jesus!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[just john]

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.
Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her,
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!"
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.
I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you £25.
Then I'll take you over to the shop where the homeless guy sits outside. You can give him the £25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the £25?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.  

[Racerbear02]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a

deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up

and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the

doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The

babies are fine; However, they were poorly at birth and had to be

christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

 

 The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother

he's a fecking clueless eejet...

 

 Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

 

 ' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow,

that's a really beautiful name, 'I guess I was wrong about me brother',

she thought....'I really like Denise

 

 Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

 

 The doctor replies 

 ' Denephew '

[crossy67]

I need some advice please.

I have been offered eight legs of venison for £40. 

Do you think that's two dear?

[Christine Animal]

A married couple, he now retired, she still working.

One morning as the wife left for work she asked her husband "What are you going to do today?"

"Nothing" he answered.

"But that's what you did yesterday" she sighed.

"I know" he replied, "But I haven't finished".

 

[Pierre ZFP]

Manure...An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I..

I had always thought it was a golf term.

[lucylastic]

Mary comes home from shopping to find Paddy painting the parlour walls with emulsion. Paddy is wearing a leather jacket with a hooded Parka over the top. As he is pouring with sweat, Mary asks him, "Sweet mother of Jayzus Paddy, why are you dressed like that?"

Paddy replies, "Err hellooo! Read the tin....it says best applied in two coats!!"