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The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.


a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has

author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of his

garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey


We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...

but in the end we came to the same conclusion, the bottom of the garden was the only place for a garden shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."

So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.

I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other Welly.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

She still manages to break into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.

"Mmmm, k1nky!" she purred.

"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"

"Okay," I said. "What's the capital of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

"Very well," I replied. "You've got cellulite and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."

She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"

"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging

my back as we listened to her [doo-doo] One Direction CD
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Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.


With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String and bonks her senseless!

 He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"

Elton bursts into tears.

 "What's up?" asks Robbie.

 Elton sobs: "My head won't fit through the railings!!



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Would you marry Again?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading 

when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" 

HUSBAND:  "Definitely not!" 

WIFE: "Why not?   Don't you like being married?" 

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." 

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " 

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." 

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) 

HUSBAND:(makes audible groan) 

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" 

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.." 

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" 

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" 

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" 

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." 

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" 

HUSBAND : "That would seem like the proper thing to do." 

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" 

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." 

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? 

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." 

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? 

HUSBAND:  "No, she's left-handed." 

WIFE:  --   silence -- 

HUSBAND:   "shit."


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[quote user="Alan Zoff"]A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the BMW.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or
replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I
finished, it worked just like new.
So how is that I make £20,000 a year and you make £500,000 when you and I
are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the

"Try doing it with the engine running."


"Ah, I can restart them again, everytime, can you?" 
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A man was

washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and


sheepdog were

washed up with him. After looking around, he realized

they were stranded

on a deserted island.

After being there awhile,

he got into the habit of taking his two

companions to the

beach every evening to watch the sunset. One

evening, the sky

was a fiery red with
beautiful cirrus

clouds, the breeze
was warm and

gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they

sat there, the sheep started looking better and better

to the lonely
man. Soon, he

leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around

But the sheepdog,

ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until



took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the

three of them
continued to enjoy

the sunsets together, but there was no more


A few weeks passed by and, lo and

behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor

was Angela  Merkel. That evening, the man

brought Angela to the
evening beach

ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky,

clouds, a warm and

gentle breeze - perfect for a night of

Pretty soon, the man

started to get those feelings again.

He fought

the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and

over to Angela and

told her he hadn't had sex for months. Angela batted


eyelashes and

asked if there was anything she could do for


He said, 'could you take the dog for a


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A young  Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing  herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf,  Geoffrey Money, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live  for," said Geoffrey. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia  tomorrow.  I can stow you away on my ship. 

I'll take  care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you  happy." 
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact  that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That  night the Geoffrey brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable  compartment in the hold.  
From then on, every night he  would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her  until dawn.  
Two weeks later she was discovered by the  Captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the  Captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, Geoffrey" she  replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see,"  the Captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus,  he's screwing me."
"He certainly is,"  replied the Captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."


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Works south of the border too................


woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow , worried about her husband's

temper and threatening manner.The Doc asks, "What's the problem, Janet?"

The woman says: "Weeell, Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every

time ma man comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'." The

Doctor says, "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your

husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and

start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow

it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." Two weeks later she comes

back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says, "Doctor that was

brilliant! Evrae time ma mon came home drunk, I swished with water. I

swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc,

wha's the secret? How's the water do that?" The Doctor says: "Janet,

it's really nae big secret. The water does nothing - it's keeping your

mouth shut that does the trick."
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Costco doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...
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I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones

My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's 60 kilometres an hour", it says

"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while

I could turn the damned thing off.
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Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.


One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"



that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the

blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a

difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole

place goes wild.


The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".



bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,

dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B

flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.


The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.



still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a

jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie is really annoyed now that this

chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him

from the stage " OK - smart ass, you get up here and do it".


The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...


"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you... "
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  • 4 weeks later...

Christmas specials 


Three men die on Christmas Eve. To get into Heaven, St. Peter says, "You must have something with you that represents Christmas."
The Englishman clicks on his lighter and says, "Its a candle." St. Peter lets him in.
The Welshman jangles his keys and says, "They're sleigh bells." St. Peter lets him in.
The Irishman pulls out knickers and a bra.
St. Peter asks, "How could they possibly represent Christmas?"
Paddy says, "They're Carol's!"
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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy sod busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they

tested positive for WD40


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt

................ Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last YearsRiots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/



and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai



2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .

both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze,

copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.


Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a

middle aged couple from Weymouth .

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  • 3 weeks later...
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

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  • 2 weeks later...


A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'




'Now wot da @!#* would you say?'
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A mother was at her wits’ end as to how to control her children, and went to a child psychiatrist for advice. 

She explained that she had tried all the suggestions from all the current books on raising children, with no success at all. They continued to behave badly and use bad language around the house, etc. etc. 

The psychiatrist said “Well, you’ve already tried everything that I could suggest, did you ever try giving them a good hiding?” 

“I hadn’t thought of that” says the mother. 

Next morning, the first kid comes downstairs into the kitchen. 

“What would you like for breakfast” asks the mother. 

“Give me some f*cking cornflakes” is the answer. 

“Right” she says, and proceeds to give him a thrashing. 

Meanwhile the next kid has arrived on the scene, and is watching in horror. 

The mother notices him, and turns to him, breathing heavily, and says “And what do you want for breakfast?”


“I dunno, but I don’t want any f*cking cornflakes” he replies.

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In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years.


You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.


My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.


My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.


My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.


And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.


I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are

 Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & John Bercow."

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A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home.

Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.

Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband, what do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Miliband.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."

Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."

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Time machine.

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:


"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent. There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.  But he just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“B*ggered if I know! It's in Arabic!”
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An elderly couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a golf channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.

You already know how to play golf"
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