joke-of-the-week

[Racerbear02]

Wee Billy from Glasgay always wanted to look cool.

His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of ginger beer and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that one  shoelace was undone?

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! It clearly says ....

Taiwan !!!!!

[Dave&Olive]

Grandpa, What Is Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to
ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight
answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he
proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the
joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking
at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in
amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be
ready in just a couple of secs."

[PaulT]

THE TOURIST AND THE RAT

A tourist from London walked into a Brighton antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze
statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he
decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat,
you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a few yards the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he
looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and
they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat
far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and
were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah,
you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze
Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, an Arsenal supporter, and anything French!'

[tonyinfrance]

I went to Greenwich last night, I like the place but I don't like

the people. They think the world revolves around them. 

 

Last night I had a dream that I had written the Lord of the Rings

trilogy. I was Tolkien in my sleep. 

 

I went to look at a flat last night. I walked in and all the walls

were covered in mirrors. I thought, "I can see myself living here!" 

 

Someone just left me a load of Lego. I don't know what to make of it.

 

 

[tonyinfrance]

I saw a brand new telly in the shop window last night with a sign saying "only £10 - volume control stuck on high".  I thought - "I can't turn that down!"

[Ethan1971]

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high'

[Benjamin]

WEE SCOTTISH JOKE

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband

and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going

to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the

even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved his car as

instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast

again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow

today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the

snowplows can get through".

The good wife went out and moved his car

again.

The next week they are again having breakfast

when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow

today. You must park......."  Then the electric power went out. The

good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't

know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows

can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his

voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband

replied

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage

this time?"

[Christine Animal]

A man offered a mobile phone as a present to his blond wife.  He spent some time trying to explain to her how to use it, but she just couldn't get the hang of it.

He finally gave in and told her to just put it in her handbag when she went out and if it rang to press the green button.

So off she went to do some shopping with the phone in her handbag.  As she reached the grocer's it started to ring.

She pressed the green button and her husband calling said "There, it wasn't so difficult, you managed to answer it."

"Yes", she replied "It was easy, but Darling, how did you know I was at the grocer's?!"

 

[Benjamin]

After being married for thirty

years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a

while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks

... "What does that mean?"

He said,   "Adorable, Beautiful,

Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and

said .... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm

Just Kidding!"

 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the

doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[Gemonimo]

 

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what kind of meat was on their plates so they begged their dad for a clue.

The dad said “Well, it's what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams to her brother “Don't eat it! It's an a** hole!”

[Gemonimo]

 

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what kind of meat was on their plates so they begged their dad for a clue.

The dad said “Well, it's what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams to her brother “Don't eat it! It's an a** hole!”

 

Sorry, double post

[PaulT]

My Doctor let me down

 

I'm usually relatively prudish but I've had this nasty rash on my privates and I eventually took the plunge and showed it to my doctor.

Imagine my dismay as he more or less blanked me and actually crossed over to the next checkout queue!

[tonyinfrance]

I was saddened to hear Davy Jones had died - then I saw his face, now I'm a bereaver..........

[Dave&Olive]

                          DOG FOR SALE

 
  A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting  there.
 
"Do you really talk?" he asks the  dog.

 

"Yes," the Labrador  replies.

 

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks,  "So, tell me your story." 

 
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I  discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told  the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting  from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be  eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". 

 

 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious  characters and listening in.

 

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several  medals.  I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."             

 

The man is amazed. He goes back into  the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner  says.

"£10!!?  But this dog is absolutely  amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's 

 

never been out of the garden."

[Racerbear02]

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office. You may believe it or not [:D]

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and

knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1987,

and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and

on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last six damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name

is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely  bloody

 astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!!!!

What

is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal a***holes working there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig

up Yasser Arafat, for fuck sakes. I just want to go and park my

arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me,

why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the

next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken

or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last bloody people I'd want to

tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another bloody copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo,

that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us

running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off,

then have to find some a***hole to confirm that it's really me on the

damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic bloody morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S.

Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to

confirm that it's me? Well, my family

has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the

military for something over 30 years and have had full security

clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly

secretive missions all over the world.

......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am  - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F***ING PAKISTAN !

Sincerely,

[ebaynut]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up

to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.

We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a

chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to

drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The

hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort

the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is

£200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' ____

 

[tonyinfrance]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided  it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively-

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered

'Is that one word or two?'

[Dave&Olive]

A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He
then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole."

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of points and is in danger of losing
his licence, so he hired a barrister to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the barrister for the defence asks;"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued
to my client?"

The police officer replies: "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Barrister: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

 

~~~~ How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client~~~~

[Alan Zoff]

Paddy is making his way home, rather the worse for wear.

He

staggers into the local church and goes into the confessional box. The

priest hears him enter and gives a polite cough to let Paddy know he is

ready to hear his confession. But the only sound that comes from Paddy

is a loud fart.

The priest is none too pleased but bites his tongue, holds his nose, and waits for Paddy to speak.

Still nothing but the occasional fart.

The priest is now really quite annoyed and bangs on the wall to prompt Paddy to begin his confession.

"It's no use with the banging", responds Paddy finally. "There's no paper on this side either."

[Racerbear02]

Pythagoras' Theorem: .............................24 words.

Lord's Prayer: .......................................... 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: .................................67 words.

Ten Commandments: ..................................179 words.

Gettysburg Address: ......................................286 words.

US Declaration of Independence: ...................1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ..........7,818 words.

EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: .....................26,911 words

 

[Pickles]

[quote user="Racerbear02"]EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: .....................26,911 words[/quote]

Or not, as the case may be.

Far be it for me to be a spoilsport, but AFAIK, the original quotation seems to date back to the 1950s, and originally concerned US Govt legislation concerning seeds.

[Ethan1971]

The grandkids went to visit their grandparents one night. There was grandpa sitting on the front porch in his easy chair with no pants on. Kids said, "Grandpa, what is wrong? You are sitting here naked from the waist down." Grandpa said nothing, just turned his head in another direction. "Grandpa," kids tried again, "why are you sitting there with no pants on?" Grandpa turned to face the kids. Slowly he explained, "Last week, I sat on the porch right here in this same chair with no shirt on. Sat for about an hour. Got a stiff neck....this was your grandma's idea."

[ebaynut]

An updated version of an old classic.....

 

 

> SOCIALISM
> You have 2 cows.
> You give one to your neighbour.
>
> COMMUNISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The state takes both and gives you some milk.
>
> FASCISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The state takes both and sells you some milk.
>
> NAZISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The state takes both and shoots you.
>
> BUREAUCRACY
> You have 2 cows.
> The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
> throws the milk away.
>
> TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> You have two cows.
> You sell one and buy a bull.
> Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> You sell them and retire on the income.
>
> ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
> You have two cows.
> You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
> of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
> debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
> a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder
> who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
> The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> on one more.
> You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> you with nine cows.
> No balance sheet provided with the release.
> The public then buys your bull.
>
> SURREALISM
> You have two giraffes.
> The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
>
> AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
>
> A FRENCH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
>
> A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
> and produce twenty times the milk.
> You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
> market it worldwide.
>
> AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
> You decide to have lunch.
>
> A SWISS CORPORATION
> You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
> You charge the owners for storing them.
>
> A CHINESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You have 300 people milking them.
> You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
> You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
>
> AN INDIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You worship them.
>
> A SPANISH CORPORATION
> You have 2 cows but owe Santander for 6.
> Nobody drinks milk.
> You have a siesta and read about the collapse of the Euro
>
> A GREEK CORPORATION
> You lease 2 cows and pay somebody 3 times the going rate to milk
> them using borrowed money.
> You refinance the 4 cows to secure the services of Goldman Sachs.
> They sell the future milk production of the 60 cows and fund your lifestyle.
> You retire to anywhere that doesn’t use the Euro.
>
> A BRITISH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> Both are mad.
>
> AN IRAQI CORPORATION
> Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
> You tell them that you have none.
> No-one believes you, so they bomb the cr_ap out of you and invade your country.
> You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.
>
> AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> Business seems pretty good.
> You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
>
> A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> The one on the left looks very attractive.
>
> AN ARGENTINIAN CORPORATION
> You don't have any cows.
> But you claim sovereignty over the ones belonging to your neighbour
>
> IN SLOVENIA
> You have two cows, but one left for Germany and other escaped to Australia
>
> ECOLOGICAL ORGANISATION
> You have two cows.
> You swap them for Soya Bean plants to prevent global warming.
 

[Dave&Olive]

The Little Paper Bag

            

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that  shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

 

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

 

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

 

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

 

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

 

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

 

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

 

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"

asked the doctor.

 

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

 

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

 

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

 

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

 

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

 

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor.

 

your mother must have been ....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Carrier

[pachapapa]

http://us.toshiba.com/spectacle