joke-of-the-week

[Racerbear02]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was

pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the

next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for

him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when

he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept

money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was

happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open

up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him

at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went

to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from

you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and

left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there

were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[just john]

Maman visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
 
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.
 
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
 
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to believe there was more between him and his
 roommate than met the eye.
 
Reading his Maman's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."
 
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
 
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

''Of course not, but I'll e-mail her to be sure."
 
He sat down and wrote :
 
Dear Maman:
 I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that
 you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
 
Love,
 your son.
 
Several days later, he received an email from his Maman which read:
 
Dear Son:
 I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now . . .
 
Love, Maman.

[Racerbear02]

Brains of Britain....

 

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:

What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:

Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:

No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:

Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:

Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:

There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:

Leicester

 

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Stewart White:

I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:

Arm

Stewart White:

Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:

Strong.

Stewart White:

Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:

Louis

Stewart White:

Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

Frank Sinatra?

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:

France

Trelinski:

France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:

Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:

Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:

Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:

Just guess a country then.

Contestant:

Paris

 

                                     THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:

Oscar

Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about

their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:

The Conservative Party.

 

 

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:

For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:

I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:

What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:

Goosey?

 

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant:

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO -   MANCHESTER )

Phil:

What's 11 squared?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Phil:

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:

Is it five?

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:

Forrest Gump.

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:

Er. .. ...

Richard:

He makes bread . . ..

Contestant:

Er . .....

Richard:

He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant:

Kipling Street ?

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:

Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:

Barcelona

Presenter:

I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:

I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:

What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:

The Pacific.

 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:

Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.

Contestant:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:

What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:

Magna Carta?

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:

How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:

Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:

In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller:

Japan

Chris Searle:

I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:

Er ..... Mexico ?

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:

How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):

Fourteen days.

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:

In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:

Holland ?

Daryl Denham:

Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:

Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)

It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:

No.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:

What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:

Er. ... ...

Phil Wood:

It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .

Contestant:

Blimey?

Phil Wood:

Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ....

Contestant:

(Silence)

Phil Wood:

OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..

Contestant:

Walked?

 

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:

What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:

Nostalgia.

 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:

What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:

Jewish.

Presenter:

That's close enough.

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:

Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:

Jesus.

[HoneySuckleDreams]

[Pierre ZFP]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all [B]

 

[idun]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?

 

 

I have just been crying with laughter at that one. Thankyou.[:D]

[idun]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?

 

 

I have just been crying with laughter at that one. Thankyou.[:D]

[idun]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?

 

 

I have just been crying with laughter at that one. Thankyou.[:D]

[Pierre ZFP]

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I'm now the main stake holder.

[ebaynut]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.  



'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at
the Harp Pub in  County Clare   ,   Ireland   . I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon
treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from
the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.  

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of
heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed
200,000 prisoners.

[AnOther]

The Best Comeback Line Ever

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the

Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and

public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ''You

know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,'' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,

cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ''Guess I was really into it, you know?'' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer

Brenda Taylor approached him.

''It was an unusual

situation, that's for sure,'' said Officer Taylor. ''I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.''

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

''I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin??

''He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it fucking midnight already?'''

[Pickles]

My two favourite videos:

The mediaeval helpdesk (Norwegion with subtitles)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ

An Ipad for Granddad (in German, but you don't need subtitles)

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=33329

[NickP]

Just seen the Argentinan advert filmed on the Falklands Islands.

Not the first time I've seen an Argentinian running on the Falklands...

[Russethouse]

 If you easily offended don't read on :

At the end of the tax year, the  Inland Revenue office sent an inspector
to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the  agent was checking the books he turned to the  Accountant
of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end
of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the  Accountant. "We save them up and send them back
to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the  Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector
was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send
it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all   Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the  circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the  Inland   Revenue Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick.

[Christine Animal]

A keen biker had been dying to buy a pair of expensive flashy boots he had seen in a store.  He finally gave in and bought them, put them on and when he got home proudly asked his wife "notice anything new?"

"Nope" she replied.

So he went into the bedroom, stripped off and came out just wearing the boots.  "Notice anything now"?

"Nope" she replied again "it was dangling yesterday, it's dangling today and it'll still be dangling tomorrow!"

"But he's admiring my new boots!"

"Then maybe you'd have been better off buying a new helmet!"

 

[Racerbear02]

First day back at school in Birmingham.....

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"

"Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?"

"Here."

"Fatima Al Chadoury? "

"Here."

"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"

"Here."

"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"

"Here."

"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

Silence in the classroom.

"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"

A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced

Michael Meyer".

[idun]

LOL that reminded me of our eldest son, seeing a program about to start on tv and came running to tell us that

More ray comm bay and Viz eh was starting.

 

Morecombe and Wise, he was young and only read in french then.

[Alan Zoff]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided

to

solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife

with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went

by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The

Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't

have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance

money.  Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the

man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested

inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept

the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later,

Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he

surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her

with his gloved hands.  As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last

breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department

stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.  Unwilling to leave any

living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce

manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire

proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by

the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police.  Artie

was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under

intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole

sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the

hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1 at Tesco

[Pierre ZFP]

les Allemands arrivent

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days

[just john]

Apparently in a recent survey of dwarves, 6 out 7 said they weren't happy . . .

[just john]

 In another recent survey of dwarves, 6 out 7 said they weren't grumpy . . [:P]

[Racerbear02]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a

German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an

Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian,

a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a

Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a

Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri

Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a

Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a

Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan, an

Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian, a

Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a

Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a

Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an

Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a

Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a

Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a

Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a

Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an

Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, 

 

...Walk into a fine  restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

 

 

"You can't come in here  without a Thai. "

[Dave&Olive]

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land." Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land. Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased VAT to 20%. I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

-- 

[Racerbear02]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With

a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your

sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full

minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can

hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move

up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and

then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in

each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm

at this level.)

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[tonyinfrance]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi got together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real  challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided  to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear,  preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm  and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't  sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP  another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and  monitors  running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi  looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been  the best way to start."