joke-of-the-week

[crossy67]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando,

Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The

madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain

him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she

sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain

the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she

sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and

walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for

something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with

him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.

So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a

little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers

in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as

she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in

all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work

herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a

man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man

wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to

teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and

is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink

and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[Polremy]

I love it!!

Merci

[Racerbear02]

Our Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise

of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow

older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you

lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory 

compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones

with memory problems may have difficulty.  Take the test presented here

to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. 

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

 

 

 

 

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..

Try not to hurt yourself.

 

If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 

2.   Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

 

 

Answer:

Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with

reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3.

If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from

blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house

is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

 

 

 

 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.  If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???

If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

 

4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to

Milford Haven in Wales .   In London , 17 people get on the bus.

In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.

In   Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.

In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.

In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Milford Haven   .. 

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

 

 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own age?

   It was YOU driving the bus!!

[nomoss]

[IMG]http://i857.photobucket.com/albums/ab131/nomoss/SexualRelations.jpg[/IMG]

[Racerbear02]

Yes, capitals do matter.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've

noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have

long forgotten the "art" of capitalisation.

Those who fall into this category, please take note of the statement below.

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

[britgirl]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party.
 
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
 problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

 Dear Sir,
 Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
 leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..
 
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

 Dear Sir,
 Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
 with your bald head you will really look the part.

 The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
 has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
 
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

 Dear Sir,
 Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
 We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a**e
 and go as a toffee apple.
 

[britgirl]

[IMG]http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t374/Val_Watts/random/7dwarvesmenopause.jpg[/IMG]

That's one for every day of the week. Which one will I be today? [:P]

[Racerbear02]

Friends,

 

I would like to share an experience with you about

drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to

have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd

social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about

it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and

had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice

Merlot; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I

did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I

arrived back safely and without incident... which was a real surprise,

since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this

one.

[Dave&Olive]

*A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

 The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.





This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.





The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."





"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"



"That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact

money is always there," says the man.



The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick

with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[Les]

WHO IS

JACK  SCHITT?

For

some time many

of us have

wondered just

who is Jack

Schitt?

We find

ourselves at a

loss when

someone says,

'You don't

know Jack

Schitt'! 

Well, thanks

to my

genealogy

efforts, you

can now

respond in an

intellectual

way.

Jack Schitt is

the only son

of Awe

Schitt.   Awe

Schitt, the

fertilizer

magnate, who

married O.

Schitt, the

owner of

Needeep N.

Schitt, Inc.   They

had one son,

Jack.

In turn, Jack

Schitt married

Noe Schitt. 

The deeply

religious

couple

produced six

children:

Holie Schitt,

Giva Schitt,

Fulla Schitt,

Bull Schitt,

and the twins

Deep Schitt

and Dip

Schitt.

Against her

 parents'

objections,

Deep Schitt

married Dumb

Schitt, a high

school

dropout.  

After being

married 15

years, Jack

and Noe Schitt

divorced. 

Noe Schitt

later married

Ted Sherlock,

and because

her kids were

living with

them, she

wanted to keep

her previous

name. She was

then known as

Noe Schitt

Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip

Schitt married

Loda Schitt,

and they

produced a son

with a rather

nervous

disposition

named Chicken

Schitt. Two of

the other six

children,

Fulla Schitt

and Giva

Schitt, were

inseparable

throughout

childhood and

subsequently

married the

Happens

brothers in a

dual

ceremony. 

The wedding

announcement

in the ne

wspaper

announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The

Schitt-Happens

children were

Dawg,  Byrd,

and Horse.

Bull Schitt,

the prodigal

son, left home

to tour the

 world. 

He recently

returned from

Italy  with

his new

Italian bride,

Pisa Schitt.

Now when

someone says,

'You don't

know Jack

Schitt', you

can correct

them.

Sincerely,

Crock O.

Schitt

[tonyinfrance]

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.

[Alan Zoff]

There was uproar when the lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

[Ethan1971]

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

[Ethan1971]

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

[sid]

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting' [geek]

Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough. [:-))]

The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me? [blink]

 

[tonyinfrance]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.

 

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

 

 The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.  

 

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his

hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the >duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.  

 

 " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

 

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[Gemonimo]

A group of girlfriends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View  restaurant because the waiters there were handsome, with tight trousers and nice bums.
 
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
 
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the sea.

 
Ten years later, at age 70 , the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift.
 

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before

[Ethan1971]

I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn't have the bottle

[Jazzer]

Joke of the year from the Lafta Comedy Awards:

Tim Vine: Conjunctivitis.com-that's a site for sore eyes!

[Racerbear02]

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

 

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

     +Tourist:                                                      $5.00

     +Broiled  Missionary:                                  $10.00

     +Fried  Explorer:                                         $15.00

     +Politician: Baked or Grilled                       $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

They're so full of merde, it takes all morning."

[Ethan1971]

Another great Tim Vine joke:

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

[Racerbear02]

Man rings a model shop and asks "have you got a model of a cruise liner? "

"Yes just 1 left" replies the shop keeper

"Great I will be in for it this afternoon, can you put it on one side for me"

[crossy67]

Ha that's brilliant.  Was it Francesco Schettino by any chance?

[fred]

forgive me if its here already but the oldies r the best.....3 blondes walking in a forest and suddenley they come across some tracks in the snow..they all pondered for a minute and then the first one says "theyre wolf tracks, them" the second blond pipes up "dont be soppy theyre obviously bear tracks!,the third blonde then shouts "dont be silly you pair of idiots ,theyve gotta be deer tracks......anyway ,they were all still argueing when the train hit them

[just john]

BLONDE SICK LEAVE : 'I won't be able to come to work today!!!'

 

Brigitte calls into work and says, 'Chantal, I won't be able to come to work today, I feel really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I can't come to work.'

The boss Chantal says, 'You know something, Brigitte, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my husband and tell him I feel like Sex. That makes everything better before I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Brigitte calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........
You got a really nice house and husband!!!