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This joke is unusual in that it has a title "MMS". I am sure you can work out what it is about


At 20 MMS = Matin, Midi & Soir

at 40 MMS = Mardi, Mercredi & Samedi

at 60 MMS = Mars, Mai & Septembre

at 80 MMS = "Mes meuilleurs souvenirs"



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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Ridgeback: I do not take orders. If you wish to suggest I change the bulb, I will consider this in my own time and get back to you later.

Lurcher: It isn't moving. Who cares?

The Cat's Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

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  • 2 weeks later...
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. His first job is to clear the fish pool of weeds.

Whilst he is doing this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who's boss, he bashes it with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to his second job of clearing out the Chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps and pelted with coconuts.


swipes at two chimps with a spade, unfortunately killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because

lions eat anything...

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from South American Bees.

As soon as he starts gathering the honey he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and lashes out, killing many bees.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions' cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo...he wanders over to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"







The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word,

taken down and now published by court reporters that had

the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does
it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.




WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your
picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of
the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at
that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it

WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height,
and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town,
I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your
autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put
up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be
oral, OK?

What school did you go to?



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at
the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a
urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that


And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed
the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that
the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting
on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he
could have been alive and practicing law.

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A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the BMW.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or
replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I
finished, it worked just like new.
So how is that I make £20,000 a year and you make £500,000 when you and I
are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the

"Try doing it with the engine running."
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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room,

she flopped on the bed and said,

"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales
attacked her right shoe with vigour,

but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back.
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,

"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door,
the Queen said to Prince Phillip,

"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,
he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"  
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy!

He served in the Navy: once a sailor, always a sailor!!!


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  • 2 weeks later...
Supposed to be a joke.... has a certain ring of truth....

We live in a country called Daftland

The England we knew is no more

Where sensible people do ludicrous things

Or risk breaking some Daftland law.

In Daftland we've police dogs with muzzles

Less the villain has cause to complain

And to steal from a shop and say 'sorry'

Means your free with no stain to your name.

You had better leave lights on in buildings

When you lock up and go home at night

'cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering

And there's no way you'll be in the right.

When speaking be wary in Daftland

As some terms that you've used all your life

Now have connotations unintended

And you'll end up in all sorts of strife.

We elect politicians in Daftland

To give us the laws of the land

Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad

The whole thing has got out of hand.

The borders are open in Daftland

And of migrants there's no keeping track

Just a few of the thousands illegally here

Will ever be caught and sent back.

The exception to this is the hero

Who fought for this land in the war

He's old and he's sick, he might cost us a bit

So he's not welcome here any more.

When the history is written of Daftland

Historians may just recall

That the craziest people in Daftland

Were the public who put up with it all.

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Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.



The ball hit one of the men.



He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.



'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.


At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?














He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

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Kieran Stapleton

Since the death penalty is unlikely to ever be restored in the UK, it has been decided that better use can be found for those convicted of such callous crimes, to partially repay society for the expense of keeping them in comfort in prison.

Given the shortage of donors, Stapleton, and others, can manage quite well enough with, say, one of each duplicated organ such as a kidney, and actually be of use to someone.

The system could eventually be extended to cover limb and even face transplants, although there would probably not be much demand for the latter.

It is hoped that this decision might make people less keen on going to prison to watch Coronation Street, and might even make them bothered about it. [:D]

Edit: spelling

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The Looters' Prayer

Our father,

Who art in prison,

My mum knows not his name,

Thy Riots come,

Read it in "The Sun"

In Birmingham, as it is in London,

Give us this day our Welfare bread

And forgive us our looting,

As we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.

Lead us not into employment

But deliver us free housing,

For thine is the Facebook

The Blackberry & the Twitter,

Forever and ever...

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Drunk Driver - True story from Australia

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
 He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..
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  • 2 weeks later...

Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. A s he approached

the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque

for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"


"Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need

to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I’m

sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because

of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Clegg: "But I need this cheque cashed, its very important"

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.

To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.

With that particular shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.


time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet

and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With

that spectacular aim we cashed his cheque..

So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally says:

"Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness. One afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
  As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
  When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat.
  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
  'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
  'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.




Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
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A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.


After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man says, "So, tell me your story." 

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". 


"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several  medals.  I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."             


The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!?  But this dog is absolutely amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b
.astard. He's never been out of the garden."

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TV executive Sir Peter Bazalgette has been appointed chairman of the Arts Council England, the Department of Culture has said.

His Endemol production company is behind high-profile hits including Big Brother and Deal Or No Deal.


great-great- grandfather was Sir Joseph William Bazalgette, CB (28

March 1819 – 15 March 1891) an English civil engineer of the 19th

century. As chief engineer of London's Metropolitan Board of Works his

major achievement was the creation (in response to the "Great Stink" of

1858) of a sewer network for central London which was instrumental in

relieving the city from cholera epidemics, while beginning the cleansing

of the River Thames.

So Joseph Bazalgette was responsible for pumping sh*t out of our homes while Peter .......
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  • 1 month later...
51 Shades of Grey

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.


year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. And

thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news.

Two days

later, the other guys arrive at the camping site to begin their yearly

fishing getaway. And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there with a

tent already set up.

"Dang Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"


yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of

Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and


She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did."

Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry, but we are British

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry.  Would you like to buy a tie instead?  They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel!  I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a better human being than you.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.  It has all the ice cold water you need.  Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f-----g tie.”


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