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joke-of-the-week


Dave&Olive
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Here's one for me as it reminds me of the French way.

A party official visits the farmer in his simple living quarters and proclaims

"Comrade,

for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader and the

Democratic People's Republic, over 50 years, we would like to reward you

with a car"

The humble farmer nods silently to show his appreciation, the party official continues;

"As

you know, North Korean industry is the the most powerful and efficient

in the world, and as such we will have your car delivered to you in

exactly 8 years"

The humble farmer then signals to the official

to wait, and he crosses the room to check his calendar. After flipping

through for some time he finally says;

"Morning or afternoon?"

The

party official is rather offended, and remarks "Comrade, you are being

given a car! And that privilege aside, delivery is 8 years away, what

does it matter if its morning or afternoon?"

To which the farmer responds "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning..."

and

whils't the rest of the world says....did they?....didn't they?

Here's  another explosive one for you.

I called my friend in North Korea and asked him how he was.

He said he couldn't complain.

regards

cajal

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WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer

Sat down on a

subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face

Was plastered

with red lipstick and

A half-empty bottle of gin was sticking

Out of his

torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and

Began reading.

After

a few minutes the man

Turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what

causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused

By loose

living, being with cheap,

Wicked women, too much alcohol,

Contempt for

your fellow man,

Sleeping around with prostitutes

And lack of a

bath!'

The drunk muttered in response,

'Well, I'll be damned,

'

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had

said, nudged the man

and apologized .

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean

to

Come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk

answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope

does.'

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Here's one for all those with friends who live next-door.

A guy sends a text to his neighbour:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:

I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.

I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home.

I can't live with the guilt any longer.

I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology.

It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes in search of his wife, and without a word, shoots her.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

"Damned autocorrect! That should have read 'wifi'."

regards

cajal

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Here's one for all you married women.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers.

Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.

Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, Mum, how many different kinds of penises are there?

The mother smiles and says.

Well, dear,a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree? the daughter asks.

Yes,it appears once a year,it's dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

regards

cajal

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Here's one for the majority of this site.

Let's put all retired people in prisons and put all criminals in nursing homes.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every twenty minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would also have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each pensioner could have a PC, TV, radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.

Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.

They would live in a tiny room and pay £800 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

regards

cajal

 

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Here's another one for all you married women.

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers.

I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.

They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.

I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian.

“Try these on,” she said.

Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.

“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian.

“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you won't be doing any time soon.

regards

cajal

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Here's one for all you gamblers.....

In an interview, Tim Henman has expressed disbelief over the allegations of match fixing in top level tennis...

"What do you mean?  Players getting paid to lose and all those years I was doing it for free!?"

regards

cajal

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  • 3 weeks later...
and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
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  • 2 months later...
  • 1 month later...
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The

flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the

co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that

belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot

goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid

for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The

co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police

waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to

reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He

goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m

sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “.
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