joke-of-the-week

[nomoss]

The

Queen's Riddle

David Cameron asked the Queen, 

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient Commonwealth and

government? 

Are there any tips you can give me?"

 

"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is

to surround yourself with intelligent people."

 

David Cameron then asked "But how do I know if the people around

me are really intelligent?"

 

The Queen took a sip of champagne. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask

them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen" 

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.

"Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said,  "Yes, Mum?" The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charlie.  Your mother and father have a child.  It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"   Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered  "That would be me."   "Yes! Very good." said the Queen.  ”Ah ha, I get it” said David, “thank you M’am!” And in a great rush he left.   David Cameron went back to Parliament. He  decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.  "Nick, answer this for me."  "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.  Who is it?"   "I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg. And then in True Nick Clegg Style he went on to say.  "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.   Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.  Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked, "Hey Nigel, see if you can answer this question."  "Shoot Nick"  replied Nigel. ”Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?"   Nigel Farage answered, without stalling said; "That's easy, it's me!"   Nick Clegg grinned, and said "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"     Nick Clegg then, went back to find David Cameron and said to him "David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."  " If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister   The Child is Nigel Farage !"   David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,  "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"

 

[Racerbear02]

Really ??

:)

[Pickles]

If Paint were sold in the same way as airline tickets ...

Buying Paint from a Hardware Store:

Customer:

Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk:

We have regular quality for €12 per large tin and premium for €18. How

many tins would you like?

Customer:

Five tins of regular quality, please.

Clerk:

Great. That will be €60.

Buying Paint from an Airline:

Customer:

Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk:

Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer:

Depends on what?

Clerk:

Actually, a lot of things.

Customer:

How about giving me an average price?

Clerk:

Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is €9 per large tin,

and we have 150 different prices up to €200 per large tin.

Customer:

What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk:

Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer:

Well, then, I'd like some of that €9 paint.

Clerk:

Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to

use it?

Customer:

I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk:

Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the €200 paint.

Customer:

What? When would I have to paint in order to get the €9 version?

Clerk:

That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to

start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting

until at least Sunday.

Customer:

You've got to be kidding!

Clerk:

Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see

if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer:

What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have

shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk:

Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be

the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of tins for any

given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to €12.

Customer:

You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk:

Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a

day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with

your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same

thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your

purchase. How many tins do you want?

Customer:

I don't know exactly. Maybe five tins. Maybe I should buy six tins just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk:

Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't

use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation

of the paint you already have.

Customer:

What?

Clerk:

That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen,

bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before

you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer:

But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I

already paid you for it!

Clerk:

Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is.

We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint,

and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer:

This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't

keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk:

Yes, sir, it will.

Customer:

Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk:

That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks

for painting with our airline.

[Benjamin]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London, nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists

have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100

million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol

and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting

donations." 

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

 

The man replies, "Roughly a litre."

[Pierre ZFP]

I came in to work past the prison this morning, and I saw a dwarf in prisoner’s clothes sliding down a rope to the street and I thought, “That’s a little condescending”.

[CSV]

OLD AGE GOLF

Bob is 90 years old. He's played golf every day at his club since his

retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got

so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't

you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Bob. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Bob heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight

"Where did it go?" asks Bob.

"Can't remember."

[Racerbear02]

Who Knew ??

[Racerbear02]

Health and Safety Xmas initiative.

Please be advised that all

employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh,

going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a

Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment

must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for

such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please

note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners

before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not

participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only

and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches,

stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any

shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While

provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV

cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility

users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to

account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is

additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around

s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal

Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and

the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well

publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any

comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be

considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against

those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged

that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world,

particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts

is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered.

This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is

particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are

specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices

Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as

aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in

the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any

crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving

shortly.

[idun]

 Mr R Reindeer?  Aren't all santa's deer ladies?

[PaulT]

Idun, we live in a modern World and if a she wishes to live as a he (or vice versa) it would be discriminatory not to allow them and treat them as such :)

[CSV]

[quote user="idun"] Mr R Reindeer?  Aren't all santa's deer ladies?

[/quote]

"According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male

and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer

drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to

mid-December. Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers until

after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every

historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of

them, from Rudolph to Blitzen..... had to be a female. We should have

known this.... Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red

velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost." [Www]

[nomoss]

I was on my way to my favorite restaurant today, and got on

a bus with standing room only.

As it  jerked along a girl of 20 or so asked if I would like her seat.

I smiled and said "No, I'm  fine thank

you".

First time it has ever happened.

So, of course, I tripped her up as she

was getting off.

[Racerbear02]

EATING IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.  It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All chips were plain. 

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available....it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water

came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging

more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The two things that we never ever had on our table in the fifties...were leftovers and elbows!

[idun]

Begging your pardon racerbear02, in our house we always had leftovers on a Sunday....... it was Monday's dinner[:P] even if we ate it at 'tea' time[:D]

[Jonzjob]

Did you hear the one about a dislexic pimp who bought a wharehouse?

[PaulT]

Urologist appointment

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?” All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

[Racerbear02]

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full

of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

 

The

patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o

the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or

thairm, As langs my airm."

 

HRH is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.

 

The

patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that

want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

 

Even

more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who Immediately

begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in

thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

 

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

 

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

[Gluestick]

Priceless, RB!

Many thanks for this!

[:D]

[PaulT]

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.

When asked to comment on the arrest, opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

[Pierre ZFP]

We haven't had this thread for a while so I thought I'd resurrect it

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 

 

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, 

and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He  opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,    what causes arthritis?'

 The priest replies, 'My Son, it's   caused by loose living,   being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes  and lack of a bath!'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to  his paper.

The priest, thinking about what   he had said, nudged the man   and   apologized .

'I'm very sorry.   I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long    have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

 

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer

[Jonzjob]

Like it, like it [8-|]

He was obviously reading a daily papal [:D]

[cajal]

Here's one for all those left leaning pinko-liberal socialists..........suck it up.

A HEART WARMING STORY…….. Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day, Tyrone's Mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his Mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The Mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, and relocated to Birmingham.

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon there is a high likelihood that you voted for Jeremy Corbyn last September.

regards

cajal

[cajal]

Here's one for all those suckered into purchasing a French car.

Following the Volkswagen scandal, motoring organisations all over the world are demanding another investigation...

Into software installed by Renault/Peugeot/Citroen..... etc to prevent indicators working.

regards

cajal

[cajal]

Here's one for all those conned into spending too much at Chrismas.

A Scouse friend of mine told me he got his three kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas, off the internet.

I asked him which website he'd used.

"Google Earth." he said.

regards

cajal

[cajal]

Here's one for all you far right freaks.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-35244444

causing some controversy.

In fact a bit of a Ramadan-a-ding-dong.

regards

cajal