Hello Earth People

[The Martian]

Greetings people of earth,

I am from the planet you know as Mars.

I arrived on your planet on tuesday in order to watch Richard and Judy on the entertainment cube you call the "TV" but they have been replaced by a Man with a large organ and his dog. I did observe a swollen female showing 2 of your kind several dwelling houses in a zone known as France. This is something I must do in order to become as you, and behave as you, and experience life as a human.

I understand that it is compulsory for all middle class English humans to purchase a 4 walls and a field in a place known as "Dordogne" where you will integrate with other human settlers from the country you have left, and to refer to the inhabitants of the France as "Toads" I will seek out a 4 walled place with uniteruppted views of clouds.

I have taken the human name of 'Sharon' and I am attempting to become impregnated by having many Bombay Duck's, which I am told by a taxi driver, is ryhming slang.  I wish to learn about all human traits and experience life as both man, and woman.

Thank you for allowing me to become one of your type, I look forward to many years of integration with you in my human form.

Sharon The Martian

 

[Dotty0]

And a happy fools day to you too.

Dotty

[SaligoBay]

Dotty, the only thing that will upset people about that post is the "middle class" bit.  You know how touchy people get about that!

Can we have a "we were so poor" competition for April Fool's Day? 

[Dotty0]

SB

That sounds like a good idea.  What type of foremat do you want to use?  How many times a week you had a bath, how many siblings had worn your shoes prior to you getting them.  How old you were before your Dad stopped cutting your hair, how far you had to walk to school.

Dotty

[Christine Animal]

I definitely agree with anything Dotty says...

 

[Tresco]

I have taken the human name of 'Sharon' and I am attempting to become impregnated by having many Bombay Duck's, which I am told by a taxi driver, is ryhming slang.  

Sharon, you may want to consider another name. In Earth terms, Sharon is a very old fashioned name. Consider using Merecedes, or Latisha, you will be more readily accepted among the people of Dordogne.

I wish to learn about all human traits and experience life as both man, and woman.

The term we use for this is 'Transitvan' and you will be greeted warmly if you introduce yourself as such. You'll find you are invited to the most select of parties too.

We were so poor, someone - on the bus to school - once said to me "What yer got in yer butties today, Stickleback Paste"?[:(]

[chirpy]

We were so poor we used sisters knickers as swimming trunks,.

 

They were o.k until i got into the water and tried to get out ---------------

they sagged -------------nearly drowned in shame.DON'T TALK  TO ME ABOUT BEING  POOR .!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F[:P][:D]ATHER LIVED IN A HOLE-WORKED 25 HOURS A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Missy]

....and to refer to the inhabitants of the France as "Toads"..... 

To Sharon the Martian

Do not refer to the natives as 'Toads' but as 'Frogs'

Slang : Toad = a loathsome person

Slang : Frog = a french person. Name inflicted onto them for their fondness to eat frogs legs as them was so poor! when them 'orrible english invadeth their land some many moons have gone since.......

At least some Frogs have the redeeming feature of being able to be kissed by a beautiful princess. Of personal experience : I've had to kiss many Toads (of both nations) before I found my anglo-saxon prince charming, since reverted to being a toad as his DNA showed some traces of native blood!  [Www]

[;-)][:D]

[Tresco]

I arrived on your planet on tuesday in order to watch Richard and Judy on the entertainment cube you call the "TV" but they have been replaced by a Man with a large organ and his dog.

That person is the earthling known as Miki.

If you need advice about mortgages, he will be happy to help*.

However Sharon, I should warn you that if you are intending  on uprooting any teenage children and bringing them with you to Earth, he will be quite fierce with you, and reveal what we know as his 'Dark Side'.

EDIT:   *Alternatively, it is the earthling known as Dick, in which case watch your written communication, or Dick will show his Dark Side.

We were so poor, my dad cut the toes out of my winter shoes to make sandals for me.[:'(]

[The Martian]

Hello People who have responded

Tresco person, I have noticed many of the 'Transitvans' you speak of! It is a large white lifeform with a man inside it, am I correct? You have other van types such as "cockinvan" and "Van Morrison" It will take time for me to become your van type of human. Are there many Transitvans on this forum?  I would like to know of the differences between the many varieties of human. What are "Scrubbers" and "Apple and Hairs" in simple terms? I know of stickleback paste from TV shows that teach minature human beings how to construct a rocket or build a 747 Aeroplane from disused articles of clothing and empty corn flake boxes. They join them together with the stickleback paste as an adhesion matter. Please tell me about the "Dick"  I have heard many times of this on the estate.

Dotty is a slang word for being a bit "scatterbrained" or "nutty" from what I can perceive from my speakings with the types you call "council tennants" They are teaching me how to speak proper and write proper too. I cannot understand why you scatter the brains or wash the brains? I have not seen any of the council tennants where I am placed, with openings in there bonce to remove or replace the brain. I am confused by how one word has so many different meanings.

I am now needed by a large person that is saying "can I look at your old granny"  He is offering £10 of your currency for this purpose.

I am told that "poor" is having little currency with which to purchase objects of great desire or to obtain feeding materials for consumption. If other human males offer currency to see my granny, I will not be poor, yes?

"I was so poor I could not afford a toilet roll" I am good, yes?

Sharon The Martian

 

 

[chirpy]

winter shoes!sandals!---bloody luxury!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we were so poor that when we were constipated  Dad told us ghost stories !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![:P]

[Tresco]

It seems we earthlings have more in common with people of a Martian persuasion than I thought.

I have heard several tales of English people gaining monetary advantage by bringing their Granny, (or their parents) to France with them. The Granny, or elderly parent is placed in a  humble dwelling called a gite, while the younger members of the family live in a much larger dwelling house, a Chataeu for instance, which is paid for by money which technically belongs to the Granny, (or parent).

So if you do bring your Granny with you, you need to be clear about whether your Granny will be good enough to support you. Alternatively, you should consider what measures you will take to support your Granny in old age.

 

[SaligoBay]

[quote user="Tresco"]

I arrived on your planet on tuesday in order to watch Richard and Judy on the entertainment cube you call the "TV" but they have been replaced by a Man with a large organ

That person is the earthling known as Miki.

[/quote]

Looks like he's the right one to lead the harim, then.   You first, Tresco!

[Lori]

This is hilarious !!!!

[The Martian]

Hello

I have been learning much today in the streets of West Ham. I now understand that "would ya show us your granny for a tenner" is cockerny slang speech that is not connected to your granny. I informed the oversized male person removing his garments, that I did not have a granny for his viewing pleasure! He said "not yer granny, yer old granny haddock, yer Mrs craddock" I was still in a negative condition untill the male produced a picture from a magazine with female human forms in strange states of posture with no garments adorning them. I accepted his currency. 

I am so poor, I had to eat my fish fingers! If I am still poor tomorrow, I shall have to eat my fish toes! It is not cruel as fish do not need fingers or toes. (I am learning your way, yes?)

Sharon The Martian

[chirpy]

I don't know about being good using no loo rolls---I would suggest dirty.!

There is no way i will pay to see your granny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!inow maybe i would pay to see you-to see you nice!!!!!!!!

Now that is a special greeting by an idiot called Bruce Forsyth not to be confused with yellow bushes starting to flower  in my other half's garden.Other half on this planet are the worker's -you are allowed to have only one normally on earth .How many can you have on Mars?

and are they any good?

 

On earth these beings nag the backside off the male's -that is why we have been trying for years to escape to your planet.

Is it a good place to live and free of naggerites which is my own special name for these pests!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We superior beings have to know this quickly before we are taken over by these demanding nagerite demons.

p.s. did you invent those wonderful chocolate bars???????????????????///////[Www]

 

 

 

[Tresco]

[quote user="The Martian"] Hello

I have been learning much today in the streets of West Ham. I now understand that "would ya show us your granny for a tenner" is cockerny slang speech that is not connected to your granny.... 

I am so poor, I had to eat my fish fingers! If I am still poor tomorrow, I shall have to eat my fish toes! It is not cruel as fish do not need fingers or toes. (I am learning your way, yes?) [/quote]

We have heard so many similar stories here Sharon the Martian.

It seems clear you looked at earth through rose tinted glasses, failed to research your move properly, and now you are wandering the streets of West Hampstead eating Fish Toes.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you making an effort to integrate? If you are walking around looking like this you will find life difficult, because the British are very funny about people who look just that little bit different.

[IMG]http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i76/twinm/martian.jpg[/IMG]

This is the kind of look your new British Neighbours will really admire, whether in West Ham, or the Dordogne..

[IMG]http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i76/twinm/chavgirls.jpg[/IMG]

 

 

 

[Gluestick]

Welcome to what is left of planet Earth, Sharon Martian.

If you are going to live in this place in France among the transplanted species known as "Brits", it is important to learn some of the imported local customs and language.

Firstly pronounciation: the place "Dordogne" must be spoken as "Doo-Dog-Ner" or the Brit new species will not understand you.

Secondly, it is very important to make sure which type of Brit species you are speaking to. There are some of the original settlers left, but most of these have now moved on, as the newer species have driven them away.

The new species can be recognised using the following rough guide.

They have a massive military vehicle which they drive around the "Doo-Dog-Ner" in. They call this a "Four Bee Four".

Their dwelling place has a round metal dish on the wall, probably like the inter-planet communicator you used to call home, from your spaceship. This is however know as a "Sky Dish". When it goes wrong, the newer species say "Me Sky Dish is buggered up and I can't watch Corry tonite!". This statement may well include a number of extra words, but you must never copy these and use them in front of original settlers as it will offend them. It is quite acceptable to use them when communicating (or trying to: new species have a very short attention span) with new species and is an excellent aid to conversation.

The new species will normally wear what are called " Me Trainers" on their feet (these are the body appendages used by most normal human beings to walk about: but mainly used by the New Species to walk from their dwelling to their Four Bee Four.). "Me Trainers" are white, pink and sometimes blue plastic and rubber artifacts with large words written on them and are not to be confused with "Shoes" which is what original species would wear. This is an excellent recognition aid.

The female of the species will invariably wear large versions of the dress that infant humans wear, but so tight that their undergarments show. This dress is called "Jogger Bottoms" and usually have large words printed on them in bright colours. Also, they will wear what are called "Tee Shirts": these have nothing to do with a quaint beverage which you will learn about. These "Tee Shirts" when worn by the females, tend to allow their undergarments to hang out at the sides and their navel (a small orifice in their stomach at the front, often carrying three or more gold rings) to show. This does not mean they cannot afford to buy new clothes as they grow, it merely shows they have no taste.

New species call their infants strange names. Good examples are Sebastien for boy infants and Chantelle for girl infants.

Conversation: this is a very useful method of identification. Mainly it concerns a feverish religion called  "Football". Do not be misled! They might seem to know much about this religion, but in fact know very little. They will chant prayers and mantras such as "Man U!", " Chelsee!", ArseNail!" and other expressions. Do not be mislead! Do not engage in converse! If you disagree they will often engage in a process called "Knutting"! This is not a social greeting like rubbing noses or a religious ceremony, it is merely indicative of their brain organ having become addled or partially destroyed by overdosing on  a poor diet which they call Mickee Dees, KFCs, Chinkeys, Injuns among others and can even be an indication of developing CJD, which makes the New Species foam at the mouth and behave like a demented cow. Beware!

More follows, but enjoy your stay in "Doo-Dog-Ner"

 

 

 

[Tresco]

 Isn't it better if  Sharon, as a Martian, learns the RP way of pronouncing Dordogne.

I thought it was Dor-dog-ner, not Doo-dog-ner.

Where are you from, oh sticky one? [6]

[Gluestick]

To my utmost chagrin, Tresco, at the moment Essex. It used to be sort of country, but they built loads of houses all around! Originally, Hertfordshire, again in the country, but they built lots of houses round! And, of course, part time in the Nord Pas de Calais, near Azincourt, where they have not built lots of houses all around!

So, being very begrudingly based in the hinterland of the Esturine language (near Southend, or as the locals call it Sarfeend), I have the opportunity of observing at close hand the genus Essex Gel and others; the additional opportunity to learn what passes as their language and their dress customs and preferences.

I do agree: perhaps it ought to be "Dor-Dog-Ner": I do become a mite confused, at times.

Near "Home" in France, the nearest larger town is Hesdin: originally a Spanish  town, pronounced by the locals "Ay Dan". We do sadly have some of the New Species around Hesdin, which they call Hess-Din, as in "Dinner". I suppose one ought to be thankful that they can at least pronounce the "H"! Which does tend to be conspicuously absent elsewhere.......................... And I suppose, grateful that they seem to be intimidated by the rolling country and cling to towns like limpets. Beats me what they want those Four Bee Fours, er, for, though.

 

[Christine Animal]

Sharon, perhaps transitvan would be the best bet down here.  You see, some sad things have happened to us females while awaiting a good organ grinder.

                                   

 

[JohnM]

The caption doesn't need to say that they are women.... I can see that the mouths are open. Died talking! Probably bored each other to death talking about soaps and I don't mean Imperial Leather. (I sometimes wonder why I'm still single[8-)]).

[Tresco]

There's something not quite right about that photo 'Spotty'. [:D]

Any Crime Scene Invesitgator (like me) would notice straight away, the distinct absence of the remains of shapeless blue flowery dresses.

I think that scene has been posed!

 

[Dotty0]

Where has Christine Animal gone.  There's something strange going on today[*-)]

[The Martian]

Spotty and Dotty are also ryhming meanings? yes?

I have been positioned at West Ham tube station on the advice of a neighbouring person that told me it was the best site for obtaining a male to reproduce with. It was a good place for this purpose. I observed many persons while awaiting a suitable donor. What is the purpose of a male standing in this area of public transport with only a label across his reproductive organs, stating "contains nuts"? is this an example of malfunction? You are very complicated life forms!

Tomorrow I shall visit the carpet store for piles of the shag carpet. The appartment I am placed in has wooden floors, it is very uncomfortable.

Please inform me of the true meaning of Dotty and Spotty. I am here to learn from you. I am now being taken to a rubber dub to consume pigs ears and a right good jelly eel of my thruppeny bits.

Sharon The Martian