Belle Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Hubby was in the front garden on sat, our french neighbour came round and told him that his wife's father has just died, he then told hubby that the funeral was in the village church at 10.30 on Monday , and there will be no flowers, hubby has taken this to mean that we have been invited to the funeral, but I'm a bit worried about turning up and we shouldn't have, we very rarely see our nieighbour, and didn't know anything about her father, so why would we get an invite. what do you think ?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clair Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 You don't get "invited" to a funeral. You get told about it and you either go or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Avery Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 If they have told you of the death then they want you to know and you will be expected to go to the funeral. As to what to do and wear, its very hard to generalise, but don't get your best black suit or dress on as you may be the odd ones out. In rural communities its normally a bit more casual than in the UK or towns in France, and people come as they are but best to ask your neighbour. You will not need to go to the cemetery though if you don't wish to that is often the close family.For funerals in small communities, as many of the villagers that can get there will do so. Best advice is to try and follow what others do, you may find that a large number standing outside waiting for the hearse and then they will follow the coffin in, there may also be a book of condolenses to sign in the entrance. We stood outside at our neighbour's funeral and followed the coffin in to find the rest of the village was already inside so we stood at the back, not knowing we were expected to have gone to the front of the church with the family. At the end of the service you may find that the congregation will file past the coffin and leave by a front door, try not to be first and see what others do, but they do lead out from the back not the front, but again this may not be the case. Some places they kiss the coffin, at others they touch the coffin, you can be "english" if you wish and just bow as a mark of respect, nobody will be taking notes!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suein56 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 [quote user="Ron Avery"] ... nobody will be taking notes!![/quote]Agreed, it is a more informal affair than in the UK, but DO remember to put some some money in your pocket for the collection - la quête - perhaps 2 euros each or for the two of you, or 5 if you are feeling generous.Edit: I have corrected the very odd phraseology I used; my English suddenly went wrong.Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I'd go theres bound to be a drink or 8 after.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoddy Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Suein56's advice is good. At the first funeral I went to I followed everyone else out to the coffin and realised too late that there was a bucket in which to put money. It would have been just too awful to start scrabbling about in my handbag. I wish someone had warned me. I expect it varies in different parts of the country. In my bit of 24 everyone goes to the cemetery.Hoddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 Thank you so much everybody, I'm dreading it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Avery Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 [quote user="Dog"]I'd go theres bound to be a drink or 8 after....[/quote] And you would be totally wrong. Its not Ireland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugsy Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 [quote user="Belle"]Thank you so much everybody, I'm dreading it.[/quote]Belle, there is nothing to dread, apart from the temperature in the church, maybe . It is possible, as a neighbour, that you will get an invite back to the house, (normally family and close friends) but you don't have to go if you don't want to.Gary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nectarine Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 We had a similar situation but didn't know the person involved, it was the relative of a neighbour. In our case, if it had been the neighbour or someone in the village then we would have gone to the funeral but as it wasn't someone we knew, then I thought it would seem very strange to go and worried that people might think we were 'freeloading' at the reception, drinking wine and eating in the memory of a stranger.In our case, I wrote a note to the neighbour expressing our sadness at their loss and inviting them round for tea or aperitif in the future, and enclosed a small posy of flowers. It seemed to be received well.It's a difficult thing with matters such as these since the French have a much different formality to us - as I don't think you were expressly invited, nor did you know the deceased, then you might feel more comfortable with a letter of condolence. Just a suggestion ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crépuscule Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 [quote user="Ron Avery"][quote user="Dog"]I'd go theres bound to be a drink or 8 after....[/quote] And you would be totally wrong. Its not Ireland.[/quote]For "Ireland" read "Irish Republic"! In my experience, the only drink you get at a funeral in Northern Ireland is tea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WJT Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 [quote user="nectarine"]We had a similar situation but didn't know the person involved, it was the relative of a neighbour. In our case, if it had been the neighbour or someone in the village then we would have gone to the funeral but as it wasn't someone we knew, then I thought it would seem very strange to go and worried that people might think we were 'freeloading' at the reception, drinking wine and eating in the memory of a stranger. In our case, I wrote a note to the neighbour expressing our sadness at their loss and inviting them round for tea or aperitif in the future, and enclosed a small posy of flowers. It seemed to be received well. It's a difficult thing with matters such as these since the French have a much different formality to us - as I don't think you were expressly invited, nor did you know the deceased, then you might feel more comfortable with a letter of condolence. Just a suggestion ...[/quote]But they know the neighbour that is the daughter of the deceased. Fortunately, I have never experienced a French funeral so have found this thread interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitty Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Sue wrote: DO remember to put some some money in your pocket for the collection - la quête - perhaps 2 euros each or for the two of you, or 5 if you are feeling generous.There can be two collections, by the way - one for a charity and the other for the priest - so hold back a bit, just in case (I speak as someone who was caught out by this at a French funeral). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Avery Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Just shows how places differ, in my limited experience with funerals in rural France, there was no collection at all, seemed rather like a UK funeral where the priest is usually given a donation by the family. I would also add for those who seem to think its a take it or leave it situation, if you have been told of the funeral, you will be expected to go to show your respect, its also a celebration of the life of the deceased and not as sombre as one might initially think it to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugsy Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 [quote user="Ron Avery"]I would also add for those who seem to think its a take it or leave it situation, if you have been told of the funeral, you will be expected to go to show your respect, [/quote]But it is a "take it or leave it situation", the reality being that you have no more obligation to go than getting a wedding invitation. For a funeral a card or letter of condolance, if you are unable, or choose not to attend, is perfectly acceptable.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Albert the InfoGipsy Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 [quote user="crépuscule"][quote user="Ron Avery"] [quote user="Dog"]I'd go theres bound to be a drink or 8 after....[/quote]And you would be totally wrong. Its not Ireland.[/quote]For "Ireland" read "Irish Republic"! In my experience, the only drink you get at a funeral in Northern Ireland is tea.[/quote]But would that be in Derry or Londonderry? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crépuscule Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 [quote user="Albert the InfoGipsy"][quote user="crépuscule"][quote user="Ron Avery"] [quote user="Dog"]I'd go theres bound to be a drink or 8 after....[/quote]And you would be totally wrong. Its not Ireland.[/quote]For "Ireland" read "Irish Republic"! In my experience, the only drink you get at a funeral in Northern Ireland is tea.[/quote]But would that be in Derry or Londonderry?[/quote]You're absolutely right! I should have said "Irish Republic and outposts thereof". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoddy Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 No doubt the OP will let us know how she went on.Hoddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoddy Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 No doubt the OP will let us know how she went on.Hoddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odile Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 don't forget to switch off your mobile phone! I was at a funeral in France last year when a mobile phone went off behind me - rather him than me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bixy Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 We were told about the funeral of a man we knew slightly, by his nephew. We didn't go, but realised afterwards that we probably should have - didn't want to intrude. We have since observed that everybody in the village goes whenever there's a funeral.Patrick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suein56 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 [quote user="bixy"] We didn't go ,.... didn't want to intrude. [/quote]Yep, we used to feel the same way in that we are the 'newcomers/incomers' etc; but we discovered that things are not looked at in that way here. How it was explained to me was whoever goes to a French funeral, for whatever reason, is acknowledging and respecting the life of the newly departed. And giving due respect is still very important here. Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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