A bit of political correctness to brighten up a cold afternoon

[Racerbear02]

Trafalgar 2004?


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ……………………………...

           

kiss me, Hardy!

No particular reason for me  to post this other than a bit of humour on a cold miserable afternoon as I am sat here doing my accounts

Racerbear, waistline enhanced & folically challenged (fat & bald)

 

[Tresco]

There is a real, if disected Nelson quote in there

"you must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your king, and above above all, you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil". (Still thinking about the dinner party guests, in thread stared by Quillan recently, but could I have Nelson as the waiter, Quillan?).

Reminds me of a story only a couple of weeks ago about a sailor in the Royal Navy who claimed his right to practice his religion on board - he's a Satanist.

[Val_2]

Well I enjoyed it. Is it really that bad in the UK now, I don't think they would allow me to live there if you have to watch what you say or write, thank God the french don't put up with all that rubbish and say what they think. It's a lovely afternoon again here with temps at around the 16°C mark lunchtime so you have my sympathy for the cold stuff.

[Val_2]

Tresco, is that the lot who wear very tight shiny trousers in bright colours like Marc Bolan and Sweet did in the 70's or is that the Satinists?

[Tresco]

It was a good joke, it wasn't offensive, but it was just that, a joke, it isn't real, Val 2.

'Political correctness' is very much maligned, but I have a lot of time for it. I suspect i'm one of the few here who think that.

[Tresco]

[quote]Tresco, is that the lot who wear very tight shiny trousers in bright colours like Marc Bolan and Sweet did in the 70's or is that the Satinists?[/quote]

Thanks Val 2, that was very quick

[Dick Smith]

For me the story lacks verisilimiltude: after all, Nelson would have been at home claiming invalifity benefit ever since the Battle of the Nile in 1800...

[BJSLIV]

I noticed that Tf1 News covered a company in France that has introduced Diversity Training for it's staff. So watch out Val2 PC is coming to France. Though I guess in France it will be CP

[opas]

[quote]For me the story lacks verisilimiltude: after all, Nelson would have been at home claiming invalifity benefit ever since the Battle of the Nile in 1800...[/quote]

Does that mean he was a bit `ify` then Dick?Mrs O

[Dick Smith]

Dunno what happened there... I hadn't even been drinking!

[Dog]

[quote]For me the story lacks verisilimiltude: after all, Nelson would have been at home claiming invalifity benefit ever since the Battle of the Nile in 1800...[/quote]

I am sorry but was just passing and the Dick is at it again!

I suppose it was only spelling this time not the wrong word.

Verisimilitude and opinion are an easy purchase; but true knowledge is dear and difficult.

[Teamedup]

Dog, Year 1? I won't feign too much ignorance and say that I don't know it is school related, but makes as much sense to me as someone telling me that they had say a V reg car.............................

When did this year thingy come in? Was in Maggie the First reign?

[Russethouse]

Some of the members of longstanding will remember that when the forum was in its first year there was a lot of criticism about spelling, punctuation and use of English.

After a while it became so tiresome that it was decided to ignore it and get on with the subject of the thread

So Dog, while I am sure that your use of English is impeccable, I'm afraid that custom and practice here means that you will have to lead by example, rather than constant picking on the errors by others.

[Dog]

[quote]Some of the members of longstanding will remember that when the forum was in its first year there was a lot of criticism about spelling, punctuation and use of English.After a while it became so tires...[/quote]

I agwee bu wot anoyz mee iz wen peple ouse longw wurds wen thay dunno wat thay meen two pwetend 2 bee clevur.

If wurdz iz spilt sew bad eet iz nawt esi too ydunsyillimanrdslty thum.

[Dog]

Eye fergot two sae wat anoyz mee abart po-litikal corwectnez iz were dyd itt cum fromm itt waz hiosted onn uz wivart uh vot ann waz nevir inn kno po-litikle womanlyfiesta aw dah licke, b4 ann eelecktun orr wateeveer. Wat ham eye too doo wiv awl mi veri ole 78prm rekords wiv Gud Ole N*gger songz? Is itt legul two sel themn abrawd? an al mi Bigglez bookz an Rober Crum comickz? So wat doo yu kall a spayed noww uh nun motirized digin impliment? Kis my donkee-hibred-horz Hardee!

[Miki]

Ah so it's you Doggo !

I wondered where Jim Davidson's script writer had disappeared to. Now the game is up, you have surfaced at last, still not funny but at least you are alive.

The art of trolling surely is to be funny at least, well I would have thought so, why be a right pest and still  be a boring old git? Come on you must have an old sketch that Jim found too funny to use?

 

 

[Cjb]

Dog - I've the impression that it's an even rarer person who wants to hear, read or even consider your contribution to this thread.

[Russethouse]

Cjb, Entirely off topic, hows your 'happy event' progressing ?

Any minute now, or are already enjoying those sleepless nights ?

[Cjb]

Hi, Russethouse,

Thanks for asking. We're still waiting! My wife's now 39 weeks pregnant, even though the gynaechologist convinced us that the baby would be born by mid-November. It was a full moon on Friday, yet still nothing has happened. As soon as something happens I'll post the little one's photo on the forum, but for now we're playing the waiting game. As far as sleep is concerned, I've been making sure that I get plenty in before the birth, however, it's not quite so easy for my wife, as she's off to the loo every 5 minutes!!

That reminds me of something. I'm going to be taking my paternity leave in Jan/Feb, can anyone tell me exactly what paperwork is required. I get 3 days off for the birth, but I'm then entitled to another 11 days, providing I give my employer 1 month's notice.

Un homme très pressé de devenir un papa debutant.

[Dog]

[quote]Ah so it's you Doggo ! I wondered where Jim Davidson's script writer had disappeared to. Now the game is up, you have surfaced at last, still not funny but at least you are alive. The art of trolli...[/quote]

Trouble is you margthatherists don't understand irony.

For the more simple amongst you a return to easily digested stupidity.

The 12 Days of Christmas, Deconstructed

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me:

* TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.

* ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)

* TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

* NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

* EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Europeans,

* SEVEN endangered swans swimming on protected wetlands,

* SIX enslaved fowl-Europeans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

* FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-European enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.

* FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

* THREE deconstructionist poets,

* TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

* And an Animal Rights activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

[Miki]

Yawn..........................

This ragged trousered philanthropist simpleton fell asleep by 10 melanin deprived whatevers, so sorry oh high and mighty irony

 

[Racerbear02]

Dear Dog

Thanks for putting this topic back on track

Racerbear02