Last chance saloon?

[bedders]

All those that either live, have second homes or are nearly there, please spare us a thought over the next 3 x weeks. It will be our 3rd and probably final bid to make the move ourselves.

This may sound melodramatic, but we have difficult circumstances to overcome, namely, aged parents. My parents are 80, in fair health, still live in their own property, but not surprisingly, are stuck in their ways. The problem is that my wife and i have this burning desire to move to the Pyrenees, before we also are too old to want the hassle.

So what's the problem? well i'm the only child, and they are more reliant on us just recently and i don't think we are selfish enough to go it alone. They have been down to Tarascon Sur Ariege with us and also to Charente, both times really enjoying themselves, but not enough obviously to make it permanent.

Next Monday we are off for 3 x weeks in the Jura and Burgundy, for a final attempt to "seduce" them. If it doesn't work this time i fear they may be too old to make the drive again.

Anyone who hasn't been in this position, can't imagine how torn we feel.

So please, wish us luck.

Bedders.[:(]     

[Nelson]

Good luck bedders

[Unknown]

Beddars

Good luck!  I feel so sorry for you, I hope your parents realise how lucky they are.  You are clearly very unselfish, but parents as with children, you really must live your life for yourself.  Have you spoken to your parents about how you feel?  you may find their response surprising.

What ever the outcome be true to your parents and ultimately to yourselves.

Dotty

[JayJay]

Good luck Bedders!

Although, whichever way it goes, don't ever have regrets. Life is too short.

[Tony F Dordogne]

My parents (long dead now) had two opportunities to move abroad to work in the 1960s and didn't take them because my grandparents were still alive, mother regretted not making the move.

My MIL is in a nursing home, has dementia and we moved here regardless - she is well looked after J's siblings who told us we had our lives to lead and MIL doesn't  know who we are anyway.

When I worked for Age Concern and people asked about this sort of lifestyle change my answer was always the same - you have YOUR lives to lead and harsh though it may sound, will you end your days regretting not making the move/change in your life?

It's a really difficult one this but my advice would be will you regret not moving after your parents are no longer around?  They have their lives, you will only be a couple of hours away by plane and you are entitled to your life.  A couple we know here had her mother, well into her 80s, here with them for a year with a view to all living here together - mother hated it, went back to her home in the UK they stayed here but mother still comes out for holidays, one of the couple goes back fairly regulary to see mother and things seem good for them.

[Coco]

I really feel for you Bedders.  I quite understand the anguish you are going through.  I am an only child too and it's one of the main factors that pushed us into moving several years earlier than we originally intended.  I just knew that if we left it til either my mum or stepdad died that it would be almost impossible for us to move to France and leave them alone in the UK.  So nearly 4 years ago we told them we were definitely moving here (because my mum had always believed, no matter how many times I told her otherwise, that this would only ever be a holiday home).  Within a couple of months they had found a house here themselves, sold theirs and beat us here by 6 weeks!!!  As my husband always says "the cunning plan failed".

Perhaps your parents don't really believe that you will do it and may look on it differently if you prove to them just how serious you are.  After all, if they're both still alive and if they are fit enough to come on holidays, they may be prepared to make the move.  Alternatively, they may be perfectly happy together alone in the UK and one or the other may then be more prepared to move out here with you when anything happens to the other.  My mum was 74 when she came here, without a word of French, but she absolutely loves it and although a long, long way from even speaking moderately good French she can at least converse with her neighbours now.

I always believe in John Lennon's words "life is what happens whilst you're busy making other plans" (and didn't it just for him!)  Who knows, your parents could outlive you, so try to enjoy every moment in whatever way you can as long as you don't hurt anyone else along the way.

[Iceni]

I agree with Tony F. Your parents might live another 15/20 years with the danger that you will hate them because you have not done what YOU want to do. If you move to the Pyrenees you will be as close or closer than if you were to move to Auchtermuchty (sp?) or Polzeath - would you feel as guilty over that ? So forget the guilt trip and enjoy life while you still have it.

John

not

[ali-cat]

As the folks on here know - Mark & I have been talking about moving to France for years.  Both my parents are dead, as is Marks Mum - but his Dad ended up in hospital, very ill, about 3 weeks ago - just days before we went over to look for a rental.

We told him we would put off the move until he recovered, but he wouldn't hear of it.  He is getting better - but is still an ill man.  It's such a difficult position to be in.  I would hate for something to happen to him just after we leave - but if we stay he could live for another 20 years!! 

So - we are going.  If necessary we could be back here in a couple of hours & will always be just a phone call away.  You must live your own life & do what is best for you.  I'm not saying ignore your parents wishes - but I'm honestly sure if they knew how much you want to move to France, they would support you fully.

Good luck & I hope everything gets sorted very soon - the longer you leave it, the harder it might get.

 

[hastobe]

I agree with everything said above.  My parents nearly emigrated to Australia when I was about 12 and then changed their minds at the last minute....because of elderly parents.  They have always regretted it and encouraged us not to do the same (I sometimes wonder if they're trying to get rid of us [;-)]).  We won't be moving on a more permanent basis until Richard retires in five years time, so at the moment its  not an issue for us.  But I know my parents (well my mum anyway) couldn't travel to stay with us at the moment - so that will be very unlikely in five years - but I think it will be me having the guilt trips and trauma about it all and not my parents.  They are just happy we are grabbing the opportunity to do what they couldn't / didn't.

Life is about creating memories - and as everyone says - its hardly the other side of the world.  We can get to France (and so back to the UK) in less time than it takes to get to Scotland or the South Coast!

Kathie

[Cerise]

My parents aged 78 and 80 were amazed to find that they can get to us - 100 km NE of Toulouse - quicker than they can get to my brother in North Wales.  They love to come here for holidays but would not like to move.   My mother says the thought of being ill anywhere you don't speak the language is horrendous.  Much as I love my parents I do not consider it selfish to have my own life.  They have brought me up to be independent and I feel like I am repaying them by showing them that they have given me the confidence to do the things I want to do in life.  I always chat for an hour a week on the phone, can actually get back pretty quickly if I ever needed to and they have their own friends and social life.   If your parents love you - as I am sure they do - they would want you to be happy and not spend your life guilt ridden about them.

 

Maggi

[Ron Avery]

It really is a problem and there is no easy answer, someone gets hurt whichevr way you go.

I have friends who sold up in the UK and brought the wife's parents with them who alo sold up and invested in the French house, they now bitterly regret doing so.  The parents are now prisoners in their own home, they cannot leave the home as the father is too elderly to drive out here and was a menace on the roads in the UK before they moved here.  Although they live close to a large town the parents are dependent on the son in law for all transport and everything else, shopping, trips out, doctors,  dentists etc and the current situation is bitterly resented by all of them, the parents wish they had stayed in the UK where they could at least talk to people and get the bus into town and the son in law wishes they were not here as they feel they have to take them with them everywhere they go.  There is no easy answer, but I would encourage long and hard thought before considering bringing elderly relatives to France, the idea seems good at the time, but the reality is indeed perhaps a nightmare for all involved.

[PossumGirl]

My mother is 82 and my stepfather is 68-ish.  They lived about two hours away from us when we were in California.  My sister lives on the East Coast and has major health issues, so there is no way she can get to see them.  I know my mother was sad when we told her we were moving, but I didn't feel I could stay just because of that.  With the traffic, we only saw them a couple of times a year while we were there.

It's really out of the question for them to travel to visit us here, as they have small health problems that make such a long journey totally unfeasible.  We can't really afford to fly back there at the moment either.  So, we stay in touch by phone and all hope for the best as far as major health issues are concerned.

Yes, I do feel bad that I don't know when I'll get to see her again, but we have a better life here and I have no regrets about the move.  One of the things we're supposed to do as adults is make our own way in life.  My case is extreme because of the distances involved, but the issues are the same for all of us.

The worst thing in life is to live with the question of what would have been if only...

PG

[Us Five]

We know exactly how you feel.  We have been here almost 2 yrs now., and moved for a variety of reasons.  Job dissatisfaction, change/speed of lifestyle etc.  We knew before moving that my husband's mum was extremely ill, and his father is also in his 80's and not 100%.  When we found out how ill mum in law was we said we were not going to move after all, but with her encouragement etc., we did move.  It was an extremely difficult decision and one we didn't make without a great deal of thought, so its not easy, but really you do have to do what you feel is right for yourselves also.

Good luck!!

[Deimos]

Maybe it say more about me that much else but I now see more of my parents that when I lived in the UK only 3 hrs drive from their house.  Although in their 80’s they still “enjoy” the drive over and manage OK on the French roads.  Before too much longer I think the drive will become too much and I will do all the travelling to see them.  Either way, I’m still seeing more of them now than when in the UK and I was much closer in the UK.

I suppose as with many things in life there is no “right answer” and I’m sure you will be unsure whichever way you decide.  Everybody’s circumstances and relationships are different.  I do think the “guilt aspect” is important.  Aged parents can feel guilty about stopping children and their families from achieving what they want to.

 

Ian

[bedders]

Thank you all for your kind comments & observations.

Iv'e just had a spiffing idea, my parents signed over their bungalow to me a few years back, now if i were to sell it from under them and turf them into the street...........[:D][:D]

 

Bedders

[Chris Head]

Hi Bedders, I'll try and keep this short! There must be many who have had the same dilemma. When we left the UK my wife had been working with  people infected with HIV and Aids for several years (we keep that quiet here, many of her patients are now dear friends and come here regularly), my parents were ill (my mother died today), my boys left all their friends and clubs, I left a well paid business and a comfortable financial structure, we left our language and culture and safety net behind.....in short a huge risk. Did we do the right thing? Sure we did, and no doubt about it.......any regrets? Not a single one. Yesterday my mother told my wife that she was convinced we had made the right choice. Now we're happy, no worries  with work, language or culture, we've swapped a difficult culture for an extremely rich and supportive one. In short, do it....there's only one life and it's yours, we'll be a long time dead and I sure as hell ain't going to my grave saying "I wish.......". Good luck.

Salut, Chris

[Patf]

Looking at it from your parents' point of view, it's much more of a

wrench for people in their 80s to move to France than for those of your

generation, Bedders. They do well to come with you to look round. I

agree with the others - go for it and take advantage of cheap flights

to visit them often, and they will come and stay with you.  Pat.

[Chrisb]

Sincere condolences on the loss of your Mother yesterday, Chris.

Regards

Chris

[Dick Smith]

Sorry to hear your sad news, Chris. Hope all is as well as possible in the circumstances.

[TWINKLE]

So sorry to hear of your loss Chris.

[Chris Head]

Thanks for the kind thoughts, I hadn't meant to seek sympathy but your thoughts are nonetheless appreciated.  I just meant to illustrate to the orginal poster, and the many who will read this, that if you wait for the right time the right time will never come because all of a sudden you waited too long and the energy levels have diminished and age has crept in and your safety net has bound you tighter than you thought....I consider myself one of the lucky ones, tomorrow morning I'm going to be standing looking at a hulking lump of Oak, half a dozen chainsaws next to me as eager as I will be for some action, in the middle of the greenest countryside imaginable, not knowing or caring what will happen, not caring who will buy it or when....but knowing that the piece always sells and the bills always get paid and we're as happy as a pig in merde!

My parents hated us going but they knew we'd made the right decision, don't leave it too late.....

Salut, Chris 

[TWINKLE]

Good on you Chris!

Life IS too short and that is not a cliché!

 

By the way if you need a hand tomorrow[;-)]

[Miki]

"Can I talk to you about that date that you never turned up on Dick"

[Catalpa]

I think my parents may feel we left it too late to move [:)]. My father, at 86 this year with a few heart attacks well behind him and totally uncooperative knees which require two sticks and probably very soon a frame, would give anything to be over here helping us renovate. It gives him severe indigestion that he only gets to see the photos. We hope... no, the house will be suffiently up together for them to visit for the first time this autumn and they'll love it. But, I knew that for me, part of the move meant I would be going back to the UK at least every 2 months to see them. I go for about 5 days and they love it. But I'm very aware - and this is kinda the point of my post - that each time I leave them may be the last time I see one of them. So yes, clearly I agree that our individual lives are for living... but never never put off till tomorrow, or next week or next month, a phone call, a letter or a visit to elderly parents that you can do today. Life changes suddenly and it would be a shame if the regret we are left with... "I wish I'd sent those photos / that letter last week...[:(]" is one we can never put right.

I think I need a [:D] now!

[Evianers]

We live in Antwerp, Belgium - our only child lives in Clapham, London. Not too distant so we get to see each other fairly frequently. Prior to that, he was living in Perth Australia. Long time, no see but thanks to email and mobile text messaging, managed to keep in touch. Now we're about to move finally to Evian and he is just about to undertake a posting to Buenos Aires. We all agree that life is simply too short not to grab the opportunities when and where they occur. We left UK in 1975, went to South Africa, from there to Australia and then on to Belgium. Son was born in London, lived in Johannesburg, then Perth, now London and soon BA. Plays havoc with the pensions BTW but we would probably not have it any other way.