Teamedup Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 A new kind of Widowhood, sort of as in 'golf widows'.When we decided to perhaps move, my husband moved over and I stayed in England just in case he didn't like the job or the country etc etc and I kept on working in England for a few months. Then we sold up and I moved over.Over the last few year, on here at least, there seems to be more and more women and kids coming over and the blokes staying in the UK or going back there to work. Is there really any good reason why this new 'widowhood' is a la mode. And the strange thing is that I have seen 'french family values' sometimes being cited as making France a good place to live, so what is this splintering families all about.I am really curious about this.I have always said that I would never have stayed here 'alone' and I know a few other english women, long termers like myself who have said that they wouldn't stay here 'alone' either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David J Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Absense makes the heart grow fonder!! David J "Always on the ball" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verviale Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 I suppose it is something you get used to ,kind of like being an army wife and a lot of woman do that.As for me I couldnt think of anything worse and would not want my O.H.to have to live on his own it has to be a temporary situation surely, maybe to get the kids settled in french schools.I would not of thought it ideal, for keeping a marriage on the straight and narrow.I will probably get bombarded now by the feminist brigade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David J Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 As long as it's the straight & narrow, keep away from those rocks!!Married 31 years and 4 more years before the 5th 7 year itch!! David J "Always on the ball" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teamedup Posted January 8, 2007 Author Share Posted January 8, 2007 And I suppose it could be new kind of widowers too, I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coco Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 I agree with you TU, it's too high a price to pay. My OH recently had a two week job in Nimes and it was a very looooooong two weeks. He may have a couple more of these short-term contracts coming up in the Spring but we have already decided that no matter how good the money he will do no more than 4 a year (max 2 weeks each), otherwise what's the point of being here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YCCMB Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Depends what you're used to, I suppose. Until quite recently (and it's our silver wedding this year) TOH and I had never managed more than a few months of living under the same roof. 3 weeks after we married, I went on secondment to Australia for 6 months, then when I came back, after a short while he had to go to Hong Kong to work for a further 6 months. The first year or so of our married life was mostly conducted by post!!Once we were both back in the UK, he lived away from home during the week, and that pretty much set the tone for things with me travelling around the world for work and him living all over the UK for his job, until I gave up doing a "proper" job 3 years ago. If he continues to work in the UK beyond the time our remaining son is around, I would quite happily spend longer in France while he stays at work in Blighty. Makes no odds to me, or to him, really. What did really use to get on my nerves was when I was travelling on business and a bloke in the next seat on the plane would strike up a conversation.....It usually took about 10 minutes before he would say "And what does your husband think of you being away all the time?" Nothing to do with being a feminist, more about disliking being stereotyped, but it really did get my back up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teamedup Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 I must say that the mechanics of relationships fascinate me. I do have a friend whose other half who works in the North Sea. She is dreading his retirement and I don't blame her. Where as I need my husband to be physically there, I am rather fond of the physcial and I wouldn't fancy trying that via la poste or even by phone.[:)] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YCCMB Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I can see your point, TU. Some people find our relationship bizarre, but then there are people we know who aren't necessarily aware of our history who notice nothing unusual about us. I sometimes think it's odd when I hear about couples who've been married for ever and say "We've never spent a night apart since we got married". I have no dread about my OH retiring. He's got his own interests and I have mine, and we are both pretty independent given the way we've lived for the last 25 years. There are things we do together, as well, and I'm sure there will be more as and when we have time together to do them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coco Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 [quote user="You can call me Betty"]Depends what you're used to, I suppose. Until quite recently (and it's our silver wedding this year) TOH and I had never managed more than a few months of living under the same roof. .[/quote].You're quite right. I used to work for P&O on cruise ships and had several boyfriends who were often on a different ship to me, so our relationships were "postal" a lot of the time and I found nothing strange or difficult about it. In fact the reunions were pretty great [:$]. But I know that the question has often been asked on here "how do you manage being WITH your OH all the time now that you live in France?" A lot of people have found that quite a strain whereas I'm one of those "odd" people who has hardly ever spent a night away from OH since we were married and I don't want to![quote user="You can call me Betty"]It usually took about 10 minutes before he would say "And what does your husband think of you being away all the time?" Nothing to do with being a feminist, more about disliking being stereotyped, but it really did get my back up.[/quote] And I know exactly where you're coming from with that one! I am most certainly not a feminist but one of the reasons that I stopped working for P&O when I got to the ripe old age of 26 was because I came to the point of choosing whether I wanted a career or a husband. Most of the male officers were married with wives and kids at home - perfectly normal. But there wasn't one married female officer over 30, unless they were married to other officers and were sailing on the same ship together. It would have been regarded as just "too weird" to have the man at home while the woman was sailing the high seas! And in order to climb the promotion ladder a catering course was necessary in the Pursar's department and it was always made perfectly clear that you had to be serious about whether you wanted to make this a lifetime career before you got sent on the course, and this usually involved asking about "personal relationships". I bet the blokes never got asked!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnOther Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 [quote user="Teamedup"]I do have a friend whose other half who works in the North Sea. She is dreading his retirement and I don't blame her... [/quote]This is similar to our situation except that I don't think my OH is dreading it, or at least she hasn't said so...!We'll have be 40 years married next year and without doubt the 8 weeks we both took off to hunt for our French house is the longest we have ever spent together, certainly since the mid 70's anyway, and utterly in each other's pockets 24/7 to boot so it was good practice.I'm planning to carry on working for a couple of years so it's going to be pretty tough on her initially but lets hope she feels the same then when she's properly settled in with a circle of friends and routines for me to disrupt ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cooperlola Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I spent a couple of months here before the OH came over and loved it! I managed to repaint the whole house too. On the other hand we now spend 24 hours a day, every day, together (although doing our own thing so often not in the same room) and cope remarkably well with that too - a lot better than we ever thought we would! 34 years in August. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lori Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I think everyone's situation can be different. My husband works in the Middle East. Daughter and I lived there with him for a couple of years before we all went back to CA for a while. When it was time for husband to return to the Middle East, we decided to buy a house in France (something we had always contemplated doing) where daughter and I would live. Daughter had been attending a private French school in CA as we knew our plans were laid out. It has allowed her to have a "home" with friends and neighbors, roots. Husband and I don't like being apart so much, but the together time is extremely nice. We didn't feel that all the moving here, there and everywhere would be good for our daughter. My husband has a good job and it didn't seem logical to leave it. I visit him there, he comes here as much as possible. It is a six hour flight, so not THAT far. We did not always live like this and we will not live like this forever. I am somewhat of a loner. I don't need a lot of social activity to be happy. My husband is my best friend, so I am not dreading his retirement and always enjoy his company.Like others have said, I think it depends on the couple. Many I have spoken with say they could never live like we do. I can understand that, but there are also others who have similar lifestyles where it works perfectly fine for them. I know, for me, the thought of being with ANYONE 24/7 makes me a bit nervous. Husband and I have discussed this many times. We've had many a laugh over it.If ever we decide it isn't working for us, we can always change the situation. So far, so good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnOther Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I absolutely agree Lori and think it is a sign of a mature comfortable relationship that a couple do not neccessarily have to be together all the time. We both have our own interests and mine include scuba diving so at least once a year I will swan off to some exotic far flung destination with a couple of mates whilst she in turn enjoys more cerebral "cultural" holidays with a bunch of her like minded girlfriends to such places as Barcelona, Venice and Rome etc. so we are both happy.Some people simply cannot comprehend how I am "allowed" to disappear for 2 weeks in the Maldives for instance without taking the OH but the fact is she doesn't dive or even like the sea that much, she's not too keen on really hot weather nor laying on a beach all day with nothing to do so the Maldives would be a boring hell for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tay Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I don't know of any families here where the husband returns to/stays in the UK for work. However, there are a few wives who have left their husbands here, while they have returned to full time, permanent work in the UK. They come back to France for holidays. In these cases, everyone seems happy as the men can't stand the thought of returning to the UK for any amount of time, whereas the women are keen to work and see friends and family. In fact, very few men seem to go back to the UK for a holiday; I know 4 who have refused to even consider the idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 [quote user="Tay"]I don't know of any families here where the husband returns to/stays in the UK for work. However, there are a few wives who have left their husbands here, while they have returned to full time, permanent work in the UK. They come back to France for holidays. In these cases, everyone seems happy as the men can't stand the thought of returning to the UK for any amount of time, whereas the women are keen to work and see friends and family. In fact, very few men seem to go back to the UK for a holiday; I know 4 who have refused to even consider the idea.[/quote]I find that hard to believe - reading this forum there seem to be plenty of husbands either actually working in Britain with family in France, or considering it. I am more than happy to go to Britain and frequently do - last time I looked, I was male. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nimportequoi Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 TU, I've been a "widow" since moving over here - OH never stopped working in the UK, he has a very good job and 2 sons from his first marriage there that he obviously wants to see regularly. Maybe it isn't ideal, but at the moment it suits all of us and we are now in our 5th year (although I'm sure he will be over in the next few years!). I run a busy gite business and teach out here, daughter is 5 and happy at school and used to the arrangement, am currently expecting baby no. 2 which will probably more difficult, but we'll manage. I'm very independent and when we were in the UK I didn't see a lot of him in the week as he was often away on business, so it suits both of us. He couldn't cope with all the dogs and cats all the time, and I couldn't cope with his football! But we really enjoy our weekends and holidays together and very rarely argue. We'll probably find it more difficult when he does move out here full time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ejc Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 While it won't be the same for us - as I'll be working full time in France - my hubby may pop back to the UK for the occasional short term contract a few times a year- not because we will need the money - but because he thinks it may be fun to come back for a week or two at a time, speak English everywhere and earn some money of his own rather than being as he see it a "kept man". Although I keep pointing out that he's be working in the garden, looking after the chickens etc and if we're virtually self sufficient in vegetables and eggs - he's bring home the proverbial bacon so to speak. I guess that for others with families - etc - if they can't find a local job that pays well - weekly commuting is an sensible alternative -we know of several people of work in one part of the UK and either live in scotalnd or France - because the house and lifestyle the rest of the family can enjoy makes it worth while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tay Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 It must just be this particular area of France. The majority of Brits here are retired, or have retired early. Of the few families that are of working age, they either work in France, or the wives return to the UK. Actually, I have just remembered one man who works in the UK; but he is planning to be pensioned off due to 'ill health'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andyphilpott Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Similar to me I think! I used to scuba dive and amongst my trips once spent a week on the Barrier reef sharing a cabin with 4 women!! I also took a 12 week sabbatical from work to travel round the world diving in different places and she was only able to join me for 3 weeks over Christmas which is as good a test as a relationship gets! At least she hadn't moved house whilst I was away!All very proper of course.My wife works away for most of the week, but we have got used to that over the years. On a few occasions we have met up during the week when I happened to be away on business in a similar area for an illicit night! We had the surreal experience once of her driving home to Kent from Bristol and me driving home from Newcastle only to have her pull alongside me in a jam on the M25. We have both now cut back to 4 days a week so it is great enjoying long weekends together. One thing we never do is share our holidays with friends and rellies - we see too little of each other during the rest of the year to do that!Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnOther Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I sincerely hope you refrained from any "illicit" doings during the traffic jam.....you've got my imagination going now.....! [:$] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patf Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Sounds like it's a new kind of marriage rather than a new kind of widowhood. Pat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mint Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 the old man and i have been apart lots of times in our years together. it's either me wanting to go away to study or learn something new like swimming or him working away.this summer will be a first. we should have moved lock, stock and barrel to france by then but i have a work contract for 6 to 8 weeks back in the uk. he won't be able to come back with me because we have been left a dog to look after.i had hoped to have retired for good but, after reading about the cost of living in france on this forum, i thought i'd better secure a job in case we can't manage to live on the pensions! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprogster Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I would have thought that in some if not many cases the situation has been forced by necessity, whereby a couple have moved to France but one of them has had to return to the UK for work, because they cannot make an adequate living in France. Part of the reason probably being lack of language fluency? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coco Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 [quote user="Will "][quote user="Tay"]I don't know of any families here where the husband returns to/stays in the UK for work. However, there are a few wives who have left their husbands here, while they have returned to full time, permanent work in the UK. They come back to France for holidays. In these cases, everyone seems happy as the men can't stand the thought of returning to the UK for any amount of time, whereas the women are keen to work and see friends and family. In fact, very few men seem to go back to the UK for a holiday; I know 4 who have refused to even consider the idea.[/quote]I find that hard to believe - reading this forum there seem to be plenty of husbands either actually working in Britain with family in France, or considering it. I am more than happy to go to Britain and frequently do - last time I looked, I was male.[/quote]Shouldn't be too hard to believe Bill, I can't get my OH to go back for love nor money - and last time I looked he was DEFINITELY male [;-)] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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