UK Anti-terrorist security, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

[Bugsy]

Just two examples of recent personal experiences at UK security checks.

1. Brittainy Ferries (Portsmouth)

My vehicle was directed into the search shed and I was asked to open the bonnet.

"Do you have any weapons in the vehicle sir?"

"What do you mean by weapons?"

"Guns, knives, etc"

"No, I don't....................sorry, I do have a knife, its in the drivers door pocket".

"Can I see it sir?"

I produced my knife.

"I'm sorry sir, but you are not allowed this item and I must confiscate it"

"eerr, no you won't, I don't live in the UK and I simply forgot to remove the knife before I travelled. I only use it for cutting bail-string on our farm".

"Oh, you're a farmer,........................ thats OK then, please carry on sir".

"Have a safe trip".

---------------------------------------------

2. Stansted Airport. (flight to Poitiers)

Through the security check, no problem, apart from the huge queue.

All OK until we were confronted by the original 'ms angry', four foot six, greasy and lacking only Jack-boots and a Whip.

"You're cosmetics are in the wrong type of bag".

"Sorry, enquired my wife, "its a clear plastic bag"

"Yes, but it's not re-sealable" (it was tied with a loose knot)

"But it's sealed (by a knot) can be opened and then re-sealed (with a knot)".

"It is not acceptable and must be changed"

"OK, can you give me one of 'your' bags then please".

"NO, you will have to go back outside of the security area and get a bag, then join the queue again and come back through the check procedure".

At this point I walked off because I really did have murder on my mind.

20 minutes later my wife emerged with her little bag of cosmetics.

[:(]

 

[jxedwards]

Toulouse airport being told I had to pay for 1 of the small plastic bags.

So I just put my small tube of toothpaste in the front pocket of my carry-on and decided to act dumb.

Straight through x-ray out the other side no problem....!!!!

Phew.....!!!! Whats the point???

 

Cardiff being told by a chav like female with a grating voice to put my laptop and bag through. Bag contained 1500 pounds worth of camera equipment plus laptop a lot of money.

Then told to wait as the yearly Benidorm bound morons in front of me had set off the metal detector with all sorts of wonderful metal bits in their pockets. Meanwhile 3K's worth of my electronic goodies lie at the end of the belt where anyone in a busy airport can pick them up. Oh yes I have seen it happen at Madrid and Amsterdam.

So I step out of line to keep an eye on my belongings. This caused the chav to lose the plot and ask me to step back in line. When I refused explaining the above she called the supervisor. 'Who do you think will take your belongings sir'? With that some small kid promptly picked up my rucksack camera et al and shouts 'dad is this ours'...! Turned to the chav and super 'I rest my case my lord' and promptly proceeded through to collect my valuables. The supervisor understood but sad to say beyond the chav's comprehension.

 

Cardiff being asked to remove my flip flops whilst boarding a Benidorm bound flight. Yes I can be one also....!!!!

 

Any UK airport 1 bag only. Catch a flight at Madrid or Lisbon or Sao Paulo, 1 bag, yer avin a laugh....!!!!!

 

You have to laugh otherwise severe depression and despair would be the alternative

 

John

 

AKA Mr Meldrew

[AnOther]

I was going to start my own thread entitled:

"Don't You Just Hate Jobsworth's (with apologies to any jobsworth's present)"

but thought it might be seem by some as provocative so I'll stick with this one ! (but I hate them just the same [:P])

Actually I like to refer to them as "Pocket Hitlers" !

Early one morning at at Luton Airport, it was very quiet and as there were only a couple of people in the zig-zag approaching security checkpoint before going air side, instead of wasting my energy I ducked under the barrier and went straight to the checkpoint. Not wishing to actually queue jump I waited for the people who had been zig-zagging to go through then stepped up only to be met with a completely brain dead power crazed oik who insisted that I go back and walk through the zig-zag and no amount of argument would dissuade him. He steadfastly refused to let me through so I had no option but to accede to his stupidity. I couldn't resist muttering an obscenity to him as I finally passed though, ensuring of course that nobody else heard it !

On another occasion, whilst checking in for a ferry at Harwich a couple of years ago, we were approached by an officous looking spotty yoof with a clipboard who proceeded to ask in absolute sincerity,

"are you carrying any weapons of mass destruction today sir?"

Discretion (not one of my stronger points sometimes but I didn't want to risk missing the ferry ) made my bite my lip and prevented me from saying something like, "no, but if you'd stopped me yesterday...." or "yes, there are 48 tins of Baked Beans in the boot" as indeed there were!

[Pierre ZFP]

Had a good one at the Chunnel last year, went like this

Morning Sir

Morning

Do you have a LPG tank fitted to the car?

Nope, it's a diesel

Are you carrying any offensive weapons?

Yes

Do you have any camping gas.......WHAT???!!!!!

You asked me if I have any offensive weapons and I do

But...But... That's not allowed!!!

Yes it is if you have a good reason.  I have my target bow and arrows here, doesn't come much more offensive than that, but I'm on my way to a competition in France, here's my entry notice.  (I also carry around a letter from the lawyer of the Grand National Archery Society which explains this - just in case). 

 

Supervisor called over and after a brief discussion I was on my way, but they weren't happy.  I've just thought, we never did complete the list of 20 questions you usually get - no I didn't have any gas or nuffink I shouldn't have had.

 

[Chancer]

My favorite is the customs officers at Dover that ask you rapid fire questions without waiting for your answer, I know that they do it to put you under pressure and hopefully catch you off guard but I find it very rude and tell them so, I also say that if they wont give me the courtesy of listening to my relies to their questions then I will not answer them.

It usually results in a humorous stand off where i answer very slowly and at great length and they ask many more questions than normal!

I had a similar rapid fire interrogation by a very young security man whilst queing for an internatiuonal check in at gatwick airport, what are you carrying etc, when he asked where i was travelling to I replied "Quito", he said "I dont know where that is" I said "its in Ecuador" he said "what country is that in sir?" at which point I lost interest and said that I wasn't prepared to spend my time making up for his deficiencies and perhaps he should refer his geographical questions to his supervisor who hopefully might be able to answer them.

[Judith]

Arrived tunnel Calais to UK (several years ago now), late, it was getting dark, car (old) had broken down several times, loosing water etc, pulled over to customs.  Carrying wine in car, suitcases in boot (better for weight loading you know).  Where been etc, what's in the suitcase - clothes - any cigarettes  etc.  My reply, horrible habit, etc, just as my husband asked if he could borrow the search light to look in the engine so he could fill up the radiator.  At which point the customs man realised the utter futility of hassling some one more concerned about the car than anything else ....

Flying back from Carcassonne Aug 2006 just after the security clampdown, wearing summer sleeveless dress which fitted where it touched, still frisked (I really don't know where they thought I might be able to hide anything under that dress!!!!).

Don't fly anymore, (too much hassle) or drive (no car in UK since congestion charge) so use train to get to France.  Almost civilised!

[powerdesal]

Ferry at portsmouth a couple of years ago, I arrive from France late at night, no problem until stopped by Police 10yds short of the exit gate. Usual (at first) questions, then 'I see you work in the UAE (seen the visa in the passport), who do you work for' The Government says I, ' What, Our Government????????' No, says I, the Arab Govt.

Questions continue including 'Where are you going', Abingdon I reply, ' Oh, its famous for carpets there isn't it? (WHAT?) Either the plod was thick or it was trick question (the latter I now think). He seemed happy with my reply that 'I didn't know that but I'll take your word for it'. If he had asked where in Abingdon he could have saved all the questions (Army barracks).

I think the LHD, tinted window BMW with UK plates and a single bloke driving was the primary reason for being stopped - or he was bored on a cold damp night.

[jc]

When my wife and I go thro' security my wife refuses to move until I'm at the other end to receive her possesssions.

[The Riff-Raff Element]

Don't fly anymore, (too much hassle) or drive (no car in UK since congestion charge) so use train to get to France.  Almost civilised!

I'm with you on this. Airports used to be vaguely exciting places: quick trip through check in, then find a quiet corner with a soothing lotion and spend a pleasent hour watching folk wander by and wondering if a trip to Dar es Salaam would be more or less exciting than a visit to Tyneside. Romantic, almost. Now they are unmitigated (uncomfortable) chaos.

Given the extrordinary amount time it can now take to complete even the most mundane flight, the train (even the train-boat-train combo) has regained a certain amount of charm.

I don't even care if it's more expensive - I just don't do the journey so often if I can't afford it.

[AnOther]

If you'd had a really good UAE suntan PD you'd likely have gone straight through...[Www]

A bit in one of last weekends supplements, I forget which, witnessed at airport Immigration Control

"Person" (we'll assume female) presents dressed in full Burkah so eyes only.

Immigration officer, studying Passport "is this photograph a good likeness of you?"

Reply "yes"

Immigration officer "thank you, next please"

Juist what is the point ?

[Frederick]

Whats with the cant take knives on at Portsmouth.?....I had a selection in my caravan when I went out through Portsmouth that you could butcher an ox with ..    there must be thousands in motorhomes and caravans ...dont tell me that they take them off you now !

[AnOther]

[quote user="The Riff-Raff Element"]Airports used to be vaguely exciting places: quick trip through check in, then find a quiet corner with a soothing lotion and spend a pleasent hour watching folk wander by[/quote]I completely agree but those days are gone for ever. You should try flying on business once a fortnight, or even more frequently as I do.

It used to occasionally pleasant, degenerated to be just about bearable and now it's just a nightmare and one of the things I shall least miss when I retire !

[Bob T]

I applied for a job with the MOD as a civil servant. I had to fill in a vetting application. One question was something like "Have you ever been involved in terrorist activities" I ticked NO. The vetting still took six months to come back clear, the funny thing was that I had just left the RAF after 23 years and my father was in the Army all of his life. They said the delay was that they had no information on my "step father" who had married my mother the year before. Funny thing was that I had not spoken to my mother for 6 years at the time and didn't even know where in the country that she lived! The "step father" was news to me.

[The Riff-Raff Element]

[quote user="ErnieY"]

[quote user="The Riff-Raff Element"]Airports used to be vaguely exciting places: quick trip through check in, then find a quiet corner with a soothing lotion and spend a pleasent hour watching folk wander by[/quote]

I completely agree but those days are gone for ever. You should try flying on business once a fortnight, or even more frequently as I do.

It used to occasionally pleasant, degenerated to be just about bearable and now it's just a nightmare and one of the things I shall least miss when I retire !

[/quote]

Happily I got most of my work related flying type activities out of the way before the September 11th business, so I've not had the joy of being a regular passenger in the current climate. From making around oohhhh...lots of flights a year I've dropped down to none whatsoever in the last two years and I am optimistic that my ears may return to normal sometime in 2012.

[Paul Bradford]

A few years ago, going through Dover on a trip to Germany, I arrived in a warehouse type bay and was stopped by Customs. I said 'Terribly sorry, I must have made a mistake, I'm on my way out of the Country'. The Customs chap told me that all vehicles were being checked. He asked me whether I had any knives with me. I realised that I had bought the stick on beam benders, that came with a craft knife in the AA shop. I told him so and showed him. He told me that was OK. I asked what the check was for as he proceeded to check my boot. He told me it was 'In case anyone tried to hijack a ferry'. Before I could stop myself I replied 'And where would I go with a ferry? The Customs chap just looked at me then waved me through. He must thought that it sounded as daft to him as it did to me.

In June this year, coming back through the tunnel after horrendous problems and hours of waiting I got to the point where they wipe your door handles one after another to check for explosives. I was just thinking 'I'm going to have some fun when I get there', as I had a large pressurised water cylinder on board for my solar system and thought they might not let me on. I was waved out of line and a chap asked me if I had any weapons on board. I said 'No', as I didn't. The chap then moved some cones and let me drive straight through!

[Thibault]

A couple of years ago, we were waved into the security checking area at Portsmouth.  Our car was fully loaded with bags, cases, boxes etc full of stuff to equip our French house.  After the usual questions as to whether we had guns, knives or other weapons, the security chap insisted that we accompany our brief case into his "office" so it could be searched.  Nothing else in the car was touched.

[Pierre ZFP]

The first time go the car swabbed for expolosives I hadn't quite cottoned on to what was happening,  I thought it was some sort of valet service being offered.  When the chap moved on I called out 'Oi - you've missed a bit!' which earnt a 'will you shut up!' from the OH.

[Nomad]

Ironically I was deploying to Iraq in '91 for Operation "Safe Haven" fully booted and spured I approached an RAF Policeman (there are other names) at RAF Lyneham who checked my movement order and pointed to the mean looking knife maskin taped to my shoulder strap and said "you cannot take that weapon on board Royal you will have to leave it hear" to which I exclaimed what about these grenades and this rifle and all the bullets ?   He went bright Red and waved me and my Troop through...

Sometimes I think people can be consumed by their own importance and forget the common sence stuff...

[Chancer]

I am really enjoying this thread, keep em coming

[Poppy]

Anybody had their petrol tank confiscated [:D]

[PaulT]

In 2002 we were returning from Atlanta in the US. My wifes bag went through the scanner and they wanted to inspect it. In it she had a travel kettle - I am sure it is her security blanket, until recently my 'there is tea and coffee making facilities in the room' falling on deaf ears. The security person eyed it extremely suspiciously. My OH had to explain exactly what it was for and how you use it!

 

This February drove a van down to 31 with items for own new house. OH was convinced it would breakdown - it was somewhat elderly. Unfortunately, she was right. Did not get it back from the garage until the day on which we had intended to drive back. Fortunately, had a changeable ticket for the ferry. As I had not had the van had been unable to attempt to get rid of the rubble from the wall that I had knocked down nor any of the packing cases etc.

Piled all of this in to the van and set off next day for Calais. Arrived at about 8pm extremely tired so concentration was somewhat down. On the approach saw the signs to the left showing cars and minibuses but no vans so turned right where it showed larger vehicles. Immediately decided I had taken the wrong turning, largely by being dwarfed by loads of 18 wheelers, but there was no going back. Ushered into a shed and asked to open the back. They looked inside at all the rubbish and told to proceed. Stopped at the ticket office. Opened the door and stood up to reach the window. 'You are in the wrong place you need to be over with the cars. Go down there and then round by that building to get over there'. However, passport control was next. Same procedure. 'Your passenger will have to get back so that I can see her'. So we then proceeded, took the wrong turn and ended up on the quayside. The thought of sneaking on to a Dover bound ferry did cross my mind - have they ever checked your disc? Followed the exit signs, drove out of the docks and then back in and took the car route. Queued for passport control for ages (unlike in the 18 wheeler section) so through for the second time in half an hour. Up to the ticket desk, explained that I had missed the original ferry that I was booked for but had phoned and now wished to get on a ferry. Told I would have to go over to another building to book (had tried to over the phone prior to arriving at Calais but told to just go to the port). The gentleman in the office had this very strong alcoholic haze around him. Booked me on to the 21:00 ferry and then realised that it had left! and proceeded to book me on to the next one. Out of there, back and join the queue for passport control. Long queue again and through passport control for the THIRD time in under an hour - no query as to why I had been through passport control three times. Through to the security area. 'Open the back please' and they shone a torch onto the rubble and OK you can proceed. Now, I could have been hiding all sorts of things under the rubble but I suppose they did not want to get their uniforms dirty. Finally, on to the ferry and home.

Paul

[jxedwards]

As we are on the subject:-

IDIOT SIGHTING : Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time,  a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many
deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." 
From Kingman , KS
________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.   He was a Chef?
Yep...  From  Kansas City !
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING ! : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"   He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in  Birmingham , Alabama
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a group at Texas Instruments.
___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!"   His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
______________________________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they REPRODUCE!!!!!!!!!!!

[AnOther]

[quote user="jxedwards"]STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they REPRODUCE!!!!!!!!!!![/quote]Sound like prime candidates for The Darwin Awards http://www.darwinawards.com/

Or as someone wryly observed:

 "The good lord lets some of them live to show the rest of us how badly wrong it can go!"

[:D][:D][:D]

[Lavie]

Just seen this post and remember in 2005  having my brand new and unused spare wheel x-rayed at Dover after i admitted i had only owned my 1 year old car for 3 months. They asked if i owned the car (a Mondeo), how long i had owned it for and then immediately said they wanted the spare wheel!! It was a standard factory supplied wheel and i had to empty the whole boot in order to get it out. Then i had one rear door panel tapped and carefully listened to and that was it. No interest in the other 3 doors! Or the other wheels. Oh, and i had to specifically ask for our passports back as they has been left beside the x ray machine.

So be warned if you buy a 2nd hand car - check out that spare wheel in case it contains something other than air!!

[cooperlola]

This discussion reminds me of an article I read in the Grauniad when I was back in the UK recently.  The author (sadly, I forget her name), was advocating an "I'd rather take the risk of being blown up than spend all this time standing around being searched" queue at airports.  Perfect....[6] I'd join it - would you?