INFORMATION NEEDED IN CASE OF LOSS OF A LOVED ONE

[mint]

I am so very pleased that things are better for you both.

Thank you for posting that link.  I have never seen that show on the TV but I did enjoy the link.

Chin up, Margaret, and do post more often, won't you?[:)]

[hakunamatata]

You were quick ontheway, I have just deleted that bit about son because I thought maybe I shouldnt have said it, but no he has been here longer than us and relies on 10 year old daughter to translate for him!

[Cerise]

Dear Margaret

Hope the sun will come out for you tomorrow and life will seem a little better.  In the absence of any decent Total yoghurt you might like to know that Leader Price's own brand Greek stuff is a cut above the other so called "Greek" yoghurts and if you have a local farm doing its own brebis yoghurt that is better still.  Still not Total, but hey better than nothing.  Get some nice honey, tip it into the yoghurt and pretend you are on a sunny beach.

Look after yourself - very important if you have someone depressed.  Please do  make sure you are getting all the help you can - a lot of help is available people often just don't know where to look.  Do you have a friend or neighbour who could translate for you, if so make an appointment to see the Assistante Sociale (through your Mairie) and ask if they can help.  If your husband needs nursing at home or any medical aids you can get help with that.  Even simple things might make your life better.

Hang on in there summer is just round the corner.

 

[Quillan]

[quote user="hakunamatata"]

Quillan  your post was fantastic, I copied it and sent it to OH saying I had found it on my forum, he is with TF. He has been better today and not panics so far, so maybe an improvement, but I understand all you are saying and thank you for your information.  Did you really do Scuba?

[/quote]

Sorry to hear about all the other problems, it does not help. The thing I discovered when I was depressed after the op was that the only person who can really help you is yourself. This is especially true if you have had a 'near death' experience although in fact in my case I didn't know a thing, just woke up in a room with a very worried wife and covered in what looked like spaghetti (all the tubes and sensors plugged in to me). It suddenly sort of dawns on you that the worse thing anyone can do to you is kill you, everything else can be dealt with one way or another and all of a sudden life does not seem so bad after all.

Cerise has given you some excellent advice. She is actually a very nice person, I have met her. I am sure that she won't mind you sending her a PM for more pointers.

I had the opportunity to do Scuba diving and water skiing in Jamaica the year before my heart problems but was too lazy. I did my scuba diving in Tenerife, one of these trial dives. It was rather good but the fish life is quite boring compared to Jamaica which is why I wished I did it there. This year I want to have a go at wind surfing. I don't want to learn, just half a day having a go. I wouldn't mind having a go at the kite thing they do with a mono ski. I just want to be able to say I have had a go.

Good luck.

 

[suein56]

[quote user="Cerise"]Please do  make sure you are getting all the help you can - a lot of help is available people often just don't know where to look.  Do you have a friend or neighbour who could translate for you, if so make an appointment to see the Assistante Sociale (through your Mairie) and ask if they can help.  If your husband needs nursing at home or any medical aids you can get help with that.  Even simple things might make your life better.[/quote]

Cerise is so right; it is easy to believe you are on your own when something goes wrong in a foreign country, But it need not be so ... there are people/organisations who would be pleased to help you if they knew you were having problems... You are not alone.

Chin up; if you feel in need of support, just ask. [:)]

Sue

[AnOther]

Margaret, you should know that anybody who has got this thread tagged to receive email notification of replies will likely have seen your original unedited post, editing it afterwards will not alter that but I'm glad you couldn't because it amplifies your tale considerably.

What a dreadful situation and it's little wonder that your husband is stressed and depressed.

Chin up though, the news on his health is to the good, you have held onto your sense of humour, and you've got loads of support here so as Monty Python says, "always look on the bright side"

Best wishes.

[Russethouse]

Margaret, Is there anything, an outing or visit perhaps that you are both looking forward to ? If not could there be? Just something simple would do.....its good to have something  that makes you look ahead and I have noticed that a couple of people I know who are prone to depression, lack this.

Just a thought....

 

[ontheway]

[quote user="hakunamatata"]You were quick ontheway, I have just deleted that bit about son because I thought maybe I shouldnt have said it, but no he has been here longer than us and relies on 10 year old daughter to translate for him![/quote]

 

i  have  kids  and  sometimes  they  disappoint  me  in  ways  i  never  expect  and  still  they  accept  all  i  give  to  them,  cannot  help 

it  when  they are  in  need,  i  help.    but  i  have  often  regreted  that  i  have  such  a  generous  nature,  especially  in  these  hard 

times.  

 

[krusty]

Have we got enough members to start our own zipper club ?

I had my bypass a few years back and luckily had no depression about it . But it did have influence on deciding me to give up work , sell up and move to France.

 

[Jo]

Margaret, So sorry to hear of your problems and those of your husband, I do think your first goal should be to address your husband's depression, in my experience once you let go of hope, as your husband appears to have done, it makes it far more difficult to deal with the medical problems. It worries me when you said you SENT Quillian's post to your OH. Is communication that difficult? If you are both skirting around issues you don't feel you can sit down and discuss I would strongly suggest you try. You do not get a second chance at life, and anything you feel strongly about now and don't broach with your OH will only cause pain later. My thoughts are with you. x

[Russethouse]

It worries me when you said you SENT Quillian's post to your OH. Is communication that difficult? If you are both skirting around issues you don't feel you can sit down and discuss I would strongly suggest you try

 I routinely send Mr RH stuff I want him to read, and he is only downstairs in a different office, but he can read it at his leisure and we discuss it afterward. Personally I wouldn't read to much into this, but everyone is different.

[Patf]

I've just remembered, Margaret, a friend here whose husband had cardiac problems, and afterwards was really miserable and frightened . She said he used to cling onto her and say he was so scared of the future.

That was about 2 years ago and he's fine now, back with his old sense of humour.

Krusty - I had cardiac problems in 2006 and had stents put in, but thank God I hardly ever think about it now. But would be happy to join a support group. Pat.

[Quillan]

[quote user="Russethouse"]

It worries me when you said you SENT Quillian's post to your OH. Is communication that difficult? If you are both skirting around issues you don't feel you can sit down and discuss I would strongly suggest you try

 I routinely send Mr RH stuff I want him to read, and he is only downstairs in a different office, but he can read it at his leisure and we discuss it afterward. Personally I wouldn't read to much into this, but everyone is different.

[/quote]

Mrs Q and I do the same if we find something useful or interesting we email the link to each other. It's easy to read something in to a situation which actually isn't quite correct.[:)]

[Judith]

[quote user="hakunamatata"]

Its not all doom and gloom, I am enjoying the challenge of gardening in this part of the world, the village is lovely full of nice people and I suppose if we had the house we wanted everything would be wonderful(apart from the fact I cant buy Greek Yoghurt in France). See I still have my sense of humour.

[/quote]

I've been able to buy greek yogurt recently - (Geant, G20 in Olonzac - not that far from Bize), but not all shops yet stock.

Do hope the sunny weather today is helping.  I cannot help on the medical side, other than to know that when the weather is grey and miserable, any other problem always seems much larger than it really is.  Whatever happens, I'm sure your sense of humour will pull you through, along with all the good and sometimes new friends you have just found here.  Keep your pecker up!

[baypond]

Hi

Very sorry to read all about your current situation.

To go back to your orginal post, did anyone mention PASSWORDS. If your husband has any passwords to anything at all, it is well worth you knowing what they are at all times. There would be nothing worse than not being able to access accounts, computers and information at this time. It may also be time to sort out bank accounts if you have any in single name that could just as easily be managed under joint name and access.

Sorry this post is more practicle than sympathetic. I hope I havn't repeated any other replies, I couldn't see any relating to this.

All the best.

[hakunamatata]

Thanks Baypond but luckily I do all the internet banking etc and help him out with passwords, our accounts are joint so I have no worries on those counts but thanks for the input it may well be of use to others.

[hakunamatata]

Judith we know G20 well, are you sure its not Greek "style" yoghurt you are buying? Yes the weather has been lovely today - but have you seen tomorrow?

[Jo]

[quote user="hakunamatata"]Thanks Baypond but luckily I do all the internet banking etc and help him out with passwords, our accounts are joint so I have no worries on those counts but thanks for the input it may well be of use to others.[/quote]

Do they freeze all joint accounts when one partner dies in France as they do in the U.K.? Being a good bit younger than my husband I have always maintained a small account in my name only so I have access to money without having to wait for probate.

[babcock]

They do indeed freeze bank accounts in France. Various companies offer an assurance that pays an amount while you sort out the joint finance stuff.

[just john]

Not in my case, make sure you are Mr ou Mrs, (not Mr et Mrs) covered somewhere else ~I believe

[Russethouse]

Margaret, I just took a look at your blog - did anymore happen about your laser treatment ?

[PaulT]

Margaret

Reading this and also looking at your blog it would seem that you have the opportunity to get out and about - your blog mentions not going to lunch with an Ausie who lives in the village. You also seem somewhat depressed which will not help the situation.

It is very easy to look at the negative side of life and situations that we find ourselves in, but it is far better to dwell on the positives.

Your community seems a caring one - you state that the village is helping the baker replace his fire damaged ovens that were not insured (I am sure there is also the keeness for bread again).

Sometimes there is a need to accept what we have and not think what we could have had.

You deleted the part about your son but from the comments can imagine what it was. A couple that I know had probelms conceiving so adopted a son and then as is the way along came a son of their own. The adopted son is extremely generous to them. Their actual son has taken a great deal of money from them and they have ended up living in a Park Home, i.e. a mobile home. It is in a nice area, in a nice location and is nice inside. However, she did not like it - it was not bricks and mortar and for a couple of years was extremely down with her husband in despair. However, with time, she has realised the good things of their life and is once again enjoying life to the full on their limited pensions. Nothing physical has happened, just a mental change - she has accepted what they have.

Ill-health - go in to a childrens cancer ward, there, some of these children have a short time to live - there is always someone worse off than you.

I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you can obtain support from this forum.

Paul

[Judith]

[quote user="hakunamatata"]Judith we know G20 well, are you sure its not Greek "style" yoghurt you are buying? Yes the weather has been lovely today - but have you seen tomorrow?[/quote]

Margaret,

You may well be right - but I am no connoisseur of yoghurt - just makes a nice change from fruit for sweet!

So far today (Wed) the weather is not doing what the forecast said, and I hope it doesn't, I've just put some washing out!!

Take care and keep smiling.

[sunny]

Margaret,

You sound like a lovely person - full of life and spirit.  I think John and others have provided good insights.  Just want to relate my experience, and hope it is of some help.

I have some experience with depression. Two family members (not immediate family) have committed suicide because of untreated depression.  One of them did so after a heart operation, as no one really realized the emotional imbalance that resulted from the operation - the focus of the doctors and family was on whether the bypass was successful, which it was, from a physical/medical perspective.

My OH suffered from depression for many, many years. For the longest time, I was really focused on him, hoping the mood swings and suicidal thoughts would go away.  A number of folks suggested medication, but to be honest, I have seen the impact of improperly administered depression drugs and did not want to go that route.  What I did was I changed my attitude (and imposed a very healthy diet, loads of omega, and a ban on depressing/violent movies and books).

Instead of hoping my OH would become more even in temperament and positive in his attitude, I just accepted his behavior - I didn't tell him "Don't get upset or no point in worrying" but instead said "I think you are upset/worried, that is absolutely ok and a normal thing to feel, I am here to chat, if you want to".  I started making a like of my own outside (that was the hardest part) - simple things like going for a walk on my own, writing, reading good books, cooking classse - things that were just mine, and not shared with him.   And over times, things got better - he didn't feel so defensive and bad about himself and I felt a lot better because in my mind I just accepted the ups and downs, instead of working to improve the situation.

Things are good now...he is calm, even and positive.  I am not sure what did it, but something inside him changed, and he just blossomed...

So my advice to you would be to focus on YOU - you are in the prime of your life, so do the little things that make life a pleasure for you, keep some emotional distance and accept that you cannot make your OH less worried or happier...and  don't be hard on him or yourself

[hakunamatata]

Hi Russethouse, the answer to your question is no. So much happening at the moment I am just waiting for my next appointment which is in July, I could have brought it forward, but maybe it wont improve things and it could make things worse so better the sight I have than none at all at the moment.