Quillan Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 Our reporter can confirm that during the night Mole Bin Laden and his terrorist network have been at it again. One railway carriage has been overturned and an engine shed damaged but fortunately nobody was killed. There being no sign of bodies it was felt that this was not a suicide attack but more of a well planned coordinated operation. Observers have noted that the tunnel complex in which Mole bin Laden and his fellow martyrs have been using in the past seems to have extended it’s self by some 50% and increasing in size by the day. Inside sources within Laden’s camp have said that this increase in size and quantity of tunnels coupled with fresh attacks on farm and park land is in response to the almost complete annihilation last year of the complex by various unsavoury methods. Also they were particularity annoyed at repeated attempts of forced deportation to other areas. Our reporters have tried to contact Mole bin Laden direct for comment but as usual he has proved quite illusive although he has been sending video recordings to that well know sympathetic news media “La Taupe Révénge” demanding independence and a homeland for Taupe’s although he has not made it plain where this would be. The government response has been to bring fresh troops in to the area and begin new operations using more modern gas and biological weapons, large artillery, napalm (don’t you just love the smell first thing in the morning) and large bulldozers. Early attempts to ‘Nuke the *******’ were repelled by stinger missiles previously sold to the Afghanistan’s by the Americans and have now found their way on to the open market. Satellite pictures have however confirmed that the new command centre built by Mole bin Laden have been dug so deep that it is highly unlikely that conventional weapons are likely to penetrate it. Colonel Shwatznegererer of the US Army Intelligence service (is the American army intelligent?) said “It’s so big and goes so deep that it would bring a tear to even a Russians eye”. Watch this space for future updates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
opas Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 been thinking seriously on this matter, is it possibe to catch one of the blighters...just one. kidnap it and take it to your neighbour to be...Piprob. Perhaps there could be the pied piper of Quilan effect and they could all go to his garden for their holls. He keeps saying to all who will listen on the forum that he could be bored and wonder how to pass the day when he finally takes the leap, apparently he has a huge area of garden just ripe for his attention! bisous , Mrs O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 My cat must of tried to capture him but was found with a 6 inch mole trap hanging off the end of his paw.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!with neihbours help managed to release it -no breakages just broke skin-cost 30 euro for vet to give him 2 injections to prevent any infection.Perhaps he will wait until the blighters surface.Thought about punching farmer but saw the size of his biceps and suggested my wife sought him out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddie Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 And why is it that M Taupe can dig so many holes it in the garden when it is virtually impossible for any human to get so much as a tent peg in the gound due to the vast quantity of cailloux? Come to think of it the soil he throws up is completely cailloux free! Maybe I should breed them and then rake up and store the soil from the hills to sell as top soil to my neighbours in this "pays de cailloux"!Mmmm, how would I register that at the CCI? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quillan Posted January 23, 2005 Author Share Posted January 23, 2005 [quote]And why is it that M Taupe can dig so many holes it in the garden when it is virtually impossible for any human to get so much as a tent peg in the gound due to the vast quantity of cailloux? Come to...[/quote]They have maps you know, yes in deedee. Not to mention things like thermic lances, explosives etc, you would not believe. Actually you have given be an idea. Do you think I could sell the hills as top soil? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexis Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Any moles in my garden at the moment would need to be wearing their wet suits.It appears that their tunnels have caved in as there are long ruts all over. I am assuming it is that anyway. Perhaps they have all been frightened off by the chickens?YES!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quillan Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 [quote]Any moles in my garden at the moment would need to be wearing their wet suits. It appears that their tunnels have caved in as there are long ruts all over. I am assuming it is that anyway. Perhaps ...[/quote]Don't be silly they have fully insulated dry immersion suits, it's just an occupational hazard as far a they are concerned.I though, after watching TV last night, that I might invite Bill Oddie over. He claimed never to have seen one ever and what lovely little things they are. Well he will see one here and it might make him change his mind when he see's the damage they do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piprob Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Sad: You would never realise, - strolling carelessly around the tourist Mecca of Quillan, delighting at the new blue street lights, admiring the refurbished bank, and leaving the public lavatory with dry feet, thanks to the now joined-up pipes, - that a mere four kilometres further towards Perpignan a man was facing ruin. And with what stoicism! I am almost proud to be British, to be able to claim kinship with Quillie, however distant.Surely others have also struggled to comprehend the sheer scale of adversities he has faced. By what bizarre twist of fate, we ask, has the entire fauna of France come to his beautiful Assisi? Can it be merely to eat his cabbages and ride on his train? Oh no! They've come to commune with their latter-day St Francis; a sort of Bill Oddy - but with less oddities.I do see some holes in Opas' solution - mostly in my garden. But this is not nimbyism. Can't you see Quillie that you have the makings of a wild life sanctuary down by your rather busy bit of river? Wouldn't it be better to go the whole hog, put the mole wrench away, make a permanent truce, and sell tickets to the punters? You can give up the day-job. There are government grants just waiting. Paris is already forming a disorderly queue! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon 1 Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Get in touch with the CIA and let them know that MBL is esconced once again at 'Burrow Burrow'Give them the coordinates and then rapidly vacate the area! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quillan Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 "sell tickets to the punters?"Hang on a minute do think this would work. As a party piece I could wait till they get on the train and send them round the track at an amazing speed. Perhaps if I had open topped carriages I could string razor blades across the tunnel entrance and decapitate the little s0ds. People might even queue to see my revenge. I shall think about this over my wine box at lunch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
opas Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Don`t think too long , you may be snowed in , ah well never mind ,open another box of wine! cheers .Mrs O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quillan Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Got a snow plough on the engine so there and these moles have been on a 7 weeks surival course with the SAS in Norway. You (and neither have I really) have got no idea what we are dealing with. Look in the most darkest place for your worst nightmare then multiply it by a figure of around 1000 and you will be getting close. It's enouth to drive a man to drink........hic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicmonkey<ADDRESS><STRONG>Musicmonkey<STRONG><ADDRESS> Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Quillan, It really is very simple you know. Just call in the cavalry. Horses, my dear chap will do the trick. Moles will not venture where horses tread. Mind you, they leave their own mark which may be worse? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David584 Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Quote: Mind you, they leave their own mark which may be worse?Could be good for the roses??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexis Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Dear oh dear. I think that the easiest thing would be for you to learn a calming mantra. Or start yoga. Become a Buddhist?Reapeat after me, five million times...."Moles are cute. Moles are sweet. Moles are my friends."It is YOU the problem. You are a bit wound up And only January....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Smith Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Or make a feature out of a problem. Last year I saw some model Underground trains - replace your LGB with those and let the moles dig the tunnels for you. Not much to look at, I'll grant you, but very authentic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joh Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Get your paint brush out, here is the solution, only one twenty minute application required. Spray them at night for better results...http://www.wartmolevanish.com/ Terry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quillan Posted January 25, 2005 Author Share Posted January 25, 2005 I have another plan, vacuum cleaner, what do you guys think? Suck them out then repatriate them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joh Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Vacuum sounds good , suggest a bagless model so you can see immediate results in the clear plastic collection thingy. When caught did have an idea about having them diverted through a split hose and into a kitchen appliance, on second thoughts better not mention it, will have the animal rights activists in a right state. Better still a vacuum in reverse or a garden leaf blower directed down the holes at full power then when the little blighters get blown out at the other end Mrs Q is waiting with a suitable instrument to wreak retribution... the mind boggles, what about "musical mole swat" ?Ahem, nurse, time for my medication.Terry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quillan Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Blowing theres a thing. How about we charge a entrance fee and give the locals a wooden mallet, blow down the hole with the leaf blower and they can run around swatting the little bast***s. Mind you with just over a foot of snow operations are temporarily suspended.Is it my turn to wear the nurses uniform again? It seems only last week that I............................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joh Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Is it my turn to wear the nurses uniform again? It seems only last week that I.............................watched that Harrison ford film Enema of the state or was it Enema at the gates....Terry, no snow here, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonzjob Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Hi Chris,I'm sure that I have given you the answer to your problem before. The best way to stop moles digging in your garden is to hide their shovels!I've never had your problem, but I now have a large collection of miniture shovels.... We got lots of snow here just North of Carcassonne, but nurses uniform....................... You must be mad, it's a bear costume for me (note costume, not skin!) much warmer..John.Where the sun sometimes shines through the snow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexis Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 With the warmer weather JUST around the corner, have you thought of capturing them and tying it to something that will shoot up the stick and hit the bell when someone hits the bottom bit with a hammer? You know what I mean, the fairground test of strength. You could go around all the markets and fêtes.You will make so much money you will soon be looking for breeding couples....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaligoBay Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 <<tying it to something that will shoot up >>Tying WHAT to something, Alexis? Have my literary extracts been too much for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 The power of the pen is mightier than the sword and hammer etc.111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Actually my neighbour has solved mole problems.He has dug up his grass and relayed it upside down and found no mole hills but long furrows are on the surface so he is now planting early potatoes and snowdrops..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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