I give up .....

[Russethouse]

[quote user="Dick Smith"]I agree completely, and if you re-read this thread, that is what Afy has mostly been given, except:

"Afy, I was in the same situation 12 years ago.It took me months of considering my life and my options.

In the end, I left with two bin liners of clothes and nothing else, apart from a note.  I made the right decision for me at the time and don't have a single regret.
You just have to do what is right for you, you've only got one life mate, if it's that bad then change it. It's tough to face up to stuff like this, I applaud your guts for posting it.

Please feel free to contact me if you get too low. Phone no. on website."

Now what is that if not spurious advice?

[/quote]

This is just personally but for me that looks like empathy, a bit like 'been there, done that, got the T shirt'.

 

[Dick Smith]

It looks like very dodgy advice to me.

[Quillan]

[quote user="TWINKLE"]

Dick!

I don't consider advising a person in a foriegn country to seek the sevices of a translator and an English speaking solicitor 'spurious or facile'

Quillan!

You just sounded like Jerry Springer when he does his conclusion at the end of a show![:)]  I'm sorry it's so cold in your office but I can't help wondering where Afy slept last night, and I feel very sad for his misfortune so if he comes on again then I will lend him my shoulder to cry on.

There by the grace of God........

[/quote]

I wouldn't like him or anyone else to sleep out in the cold so he can come and stay a couple of nights here if he likes while it's so cold, no problem. I expect you and all the others offering support have already made the same offer?

[Chris Head]

[quote user="Dick Smith"]It looks like very dodgy advice to me.
[/quote]

Usual twaddle Dick, take this to PM if you're that desperate.

Afy simply put a post up speaking from his heart, the guy is in trouble, he doesn't have any friends or family so he came here, the following furore and ensuing debate is just beyond belief. This is about a human being who needs help not about the extraordinary complexities that have subsequently been aired.

[Russethouse]

If you two want to squabble about this as well, please do it between yourselves and not on the forum. You obviously have different perspectives on a whole host of things, either learn to live and let live and not get into personally offensive posts or argue elsewhere.

 

 

 

[LanguedocGal]

[quote user="Afy"]

I am about ready to just pack my bag and move leaving her and everything behind. As far as I go she can have the bank accounts, the mortgage, the jewellery, the dog, the cat, the car, and the country. My life really does suck...

[/quote]

Let's give Afy some credit for having a sense of discernement.

Chris was simply pointing out what he did in a similar situation, hence empathy, and when people are in these sort of situations, it's not a bad thing for others to say there is a light at the end of the tunnel and how they got there. I don't think that any of the support has been spurious as no one has claimed expertise in the matter but mere encouragement. The fact that we do not know both sides of the story does not change the fact that Afy felt the need to seek support on here.

So folks, how about simply concentrating on him and letting him be the judge?

 

[LanguedocGal]

Sorry RH,

Our posts crossed.

[mint]

LanguedocGal

you speak mighty sense.  afy needs support and encouragement, as so many have said.  we don't claim to give advice or, indeed, to say what is the right or wrong thing to do.

i think, at least speaking for myself, most people just felt the urge to respond to afy's distress.  we are NOT judging him OR his wife, just telling him to think things through, not to be hasty, to seek proper legal and professional advice and we are all hoping like mad that he can resolve his difficulties one way or the other

it is all so very sad and christmas is an awful time for things to hit home; it's well documentated that christmas is stressful for lots of families.

afy, you are at the midst of all this.  at least you do know that your situation is of interest and concern.  we are none of us qualified to advise you.  anything we say comes straight from the heart and you will need to make allowances for our own weaknesses as we seek to reach you in this fog of confusion

look after yourself, afy

[TWINKLE]

Quillan!

I wasn't being sarcastic when I said I was sorry that your office was cold - I really was imagining you and your freezing cold fingers typing your reply and I thought you sounded really mellow like old Jerry always does at the end of his show.  I can understand that you maybe thought I was having a dig - it's the way I wrote my post.  Please accept my apology. 

I personally HAVEN'T offered Afy to sleep at my home - anyway I'm alone with my daughter for 2 days 'cos' the hubby's away working and the neighbours would talk[;-)].  I'm sure Afy can afford to stay at a hotel and even if one of us did offer a place to stay I have an inkling that he'd refuse.  I was just wondering what's been happening to him since yesterday and if he's still at home with his wife.

Let us know if you're about Afy!

[Quillan]

Yes Twinks?

No problem. It was me being sarcastic but in a general sense and not aimed at you personally. People are very good a speaking words but not so good at taking action and I was just wondering what practical support those that are so concerned are actually offering, if any. I don't have the same 'passion' as some of the other members but if somebody has a problem I tend to think more about how I can give practical support and if Afy had no where to stay (and its cold outside) for a couple of days we have a spare bed. Now I don't have a clue where he is in France because I have not bothered to look at his profile but I didn't think about that anyway just how I could be helpful. Perhaps I was thinking of an old 90's word, paddy, mandy andy or was it nimby, I can't remember now [:D].

"Chris was simply pointing out what he did in a similar situation" - I don't want to insult anyone here but how do you know, I mean really know that the situatins are simular. The only people who really know are Chris and Afy and that could only be true if they spoke at great lengths and in great detail which it would seem not to be the case. We/you have only heard one side, how do you know he is not a pathalogical liar, a wife and child beater, just because he says he is not? I'm not saying he is or he isn't, I just don't know and I would humbly suggest that it's the same for most if not all of the other people posting here. So personally I think you should all take note of Dicks advice ("I would want to hear both sides of any story before advising anyone on anything so important. And 'do it, I did it' is no kind of advice at all" which seems quite sensible to me.

[Meg]

And 'do it, I did it' is no kind of advice at all" which seems quite sensible to me.

I think what was actually said was

You just have to do what is right for you,

As  far as i can see this is giving support not advice.

[Russethouse]

The similarity is unhappiness due to marital disharmony - lets not over complicate things.

 

 

 

[Quillan]

[quote user="Meg and Mog"]And 'do it, I did it' is no kind of advice at all" which seems quite sensible to me.

I think what was actually said was

You just have to do what is right for you,

As  far as i can see this is giving support not advice.
[/quote]

Sorry I am right and you are wrong because I cut and pasted it directly from Dicks post. Go back and check if you wish. The timestamp of Dicks post, if it helps, was Today (30/12/07) - 14:10

[Meg]

I didn't say you were wrong.

You just have to do what is right for you, was in the post that i assumed the 'do, it i did it' comment was referring to.

Or have i got it wrong?? If so who said 'do it, i did it'? Or does this refer to the 'other' thread???

EDIT: I was aware it wasn't your words Quillan.....i simply bought it up as you'd drawn attention to it and were agreeing. After all you did put:

I think you should all take note of Dicks advice.

My point was that as far as i was aware no one ever told afy to 'do it i did it.' People only offered their own personal experiences and offered support. The fact that you bought it up again made me comment on it.

[Meg]

Quillan you have lost me. Why then would you say this:

[quote user="Quillan"]

Mods Hat OFF

On a personal note I totally agree with what some others have already said Afy, walk away and start again. It's not easy but as you can see others here have done it and it's worked well for them. You only get one go at life and this is it so head up, pack up and don't look back it’s a big world. Just put it all down to part of life’s rich experience.

Good luck

[/quote]

And then this:

[quote user="Quillan"]

So personally I think you should all take

note of Dicks advice ("I would want to hear both sides of any story

before advising anyone on anything so important. And 'do it, I did it'

is no kind of advice at all" which seems quite sensible to me.

[/quote]

Am i the only one who is lost here?

I think i'll give up on the giving up thread. Sorry Afy.....good luck to you, hope you are ok.

[JayJay]

[quote user="Meg and Mog"]Quillan you have lost me. Why then would you say this:

[quote user="Quillan"]

Mods Hat OFF

On a personal note I totally agree with what some others have already said Afy, walk away and start again. It's not easy but as you can see others here have done it and it's worked well for them. You only get one go at life and this is it so head up, pack up and don't look back it’s a big world. Just put it all down to part of life’s rich experience.

Good luck

[/quote]

And then this:

[quote user="Quillan"]

So personally I think you should all take note of Dicks advice ("I would want to hear both sides of any story before advising anyone on anything so important. And 'do it, I did it' is no kind of advice at all" which seems quite sensible to me.

[/quote]

Am i the only one who is lost here?

I think i'll give up on the giving up thread. Sorry Afy.....good luck to you, hope you are ok.
[/quote]

I must admit that Quillan's posts confused me too. So that's the two of us Megs.

I just hope Afy is alright too, with all this going on, I hope any support is not lost. 

[LanguedocGal]

You're not the only one, Meg.

Thanks RH for pointing out the truly obvious re my last posting. I'll also wish Afy well too. I thought this thread was about him and not about anyone being right or wrong [;-)]

[Russethouse]

Sorry LG ...

I think its a 'Men are from Mars' moment, CH must be in touch with his feminine side........[Www]

The main thing is that Afy knows that people are concerned for him and care about his welfare.

[Quillan]

Because in between Meg and Mogs selective quotes I also wrote in a post "In hindsight I don’t think I should have added my personal comments to my ‘Mods’ post ". You have to read my post in between to make sense of all I have said.

I could have gone back and just removed my comments but that would have been unfair to fellow members as it is something only moderators can do after the timeout in the forum software allows member to edit their posts and I am sure some may have said I was using my moderator’s privileges incorrectly.

What Meg and Mog said was that I had quoted something from Dick’s post incorrectly when in fact it was correct because as I said I simply copied and pasted it in to my post that’s all.

 

[Russethouse]

Its Ok Quillan, you speak Martian, we Venus dwellers understand each other [:D]

[JayJay]

I think Meg thought the original quote was wrong, not your quoting of Dick! That was my take on it too. Nobody had said 'do it, I did it' So because it was brought up again, in your quote of Dick's, I think Meg made a comment.

 

[YCCMB]

Just a small point, but I can't help but wonder how much help this all is to Afy. Who cares who said what and how it was interpreted by someone else? I feel sorry for Afy, as I'm sure do most people, but in all honesty I can no longer see where this thread is being of use to him or his circumstances. It's now become another of the many "I said this and he said that" threads on here, and the original poster's issues and concerns have become subordinated to a totally redundant discussion about other peoples' interpretations of each others' posts.

[Quillan]

[quote user="JayJay"]

I think Meg thought the original quote was wrong, not your quoting of Dick! That was my take on it too. Nobody had said 'do it, I did it' So because it was brought up again, in your quote of Dick's, I think Meg made a comment.

[/quote]

OK thanks for pointing that out in which case I appologise. I didn't want to be accused of wrongly quoting another member.

I wonder how Afy's wife is. She only gets to see him a few days at a time, the rest of the time she is husbandless (from what he said).

[powerdesal]

Afy,

I have gone back to your original few posts and, though I must say that I have no experience of what you must be going through and no specialist knowledge that can help, I have experienced long periods of separation from my family at various times.

It is my opinion (for what its worth) that separation can lead to 'minor' problems becoming 'major' ones because of the lack of a partner to talk things through with. This can lead to 'resentment' and, in some cases, entrenched blame and polarisation of attitudes.

I realise that you are not a French speaker, is your wife fluent in French? Could she be feeling the effects of separation and being alone in a 'foreign' country. This could, I believe, lead to a perception of blameing you and all things that have apparently followed. The whole situation can then generate its own momentum.

Maybe my comments don't help, but either way, I wish you well.

[Lori]

Afy - I have not read much on the forum these last few days as my husband is here and we've been out and about.

I'm pretty sure you said your wife is French and you are often surrounded by her family, so she has the benefit of knowing her surroundings and having family nearby.  As I have understood you in the past, you don't have those benefits.

The thread seems to have gone a little haywire.  I can't offer you professional advice, obviously I'm not a professional.  You seem like such a nice person and I hate to think of you so unhappy.  I suspect your wife is very unhappy too as her anger towards you seems to suggest that.  Yes, these are assumptions, but Afy, I know you are no dumby.  You will make your own decisions.  I think most of these posts are simply to let you know that we are all thinking of you.  Some offer similar stories of discontent to let you know you are not alone in the world.  I think that is nice.

If you do leave the family home, it would be a good idea to check with a French Notaire (take someone who speaks French with you if you can't find one that speaks English).  When my best friend left her husband of 18 years (in France), there were certain conditions that were advised before her departure.  These may not apply to your situation and / or other advice might be suggested prior to your formal departure.  If you just have to get out for sanity's sake, I can understand that.  Perhaps a week or two in temporary place, apart from your wife, could give you a moments peace to think. 

Either way, do keep us posted Afy.  You have many friends here.  We care about you.

Lori