vervialle Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 I need help to put my feelings aside,my son was happy go lucky, now I hardly know him,he has been with his present girlfriend for two years, I do not dislike her and she has good manners,but she is so shallow,and the most important thing in her life is looking stunning and beautiful,cooking is below her and she looks at me like I have come from another planet when I put on a good spread,my son loves his food, she is like a stick insect, she is in bed for 10pm most nights as she is so tired, and my son has started saying he is tired at 10pm, which I know is a load of Boll...cks.I know you cannot do anything about it, but he was so different before her,do I pretend she is the best thing since slice bread, I have so far, oh it is very difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russethouse Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 How old is your son ? Is it likely this will turn into a pemanent relationship ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vervialle Posted May 18, 2008 Author Share Posted May 18, 2008 He is 22 years old and has always been really easy and no trouble,I know you must not say anything and I don,t, but it is so sad to see him trying to please her by doing everything she suggests and you can see he is torn between what he would normally do and what he must now do.We cannot change as a family and he finds it really diificult now to carry on ,and seems to have to ask her before he does anything,I know you hear lots of people complaining about their sons partners, but I just want him to be able to be himself and be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russethouse Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 Can you ask her round ? Include her in family activities etc ? You may find that the contrast between her life and what he is used to works in your favour..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vervialle Posted May 18, 2008 Author Share Posted May 18, 2008 She comes round all the time, but never sleeps at our house as she says my cat makes her sneeze, which I fully understand.My son comes in for all his meals as they do not seem to have dinners at her house and he is a big eater.Today I had a Barbq for his birthday and his girlfriend and mother did not know what a trout was,which I found a bit suprising.My son lives in London so only comes home roughly about once a month, so I never want to have words and always make a fuss of him.All I want is for him to be himself, I know he has a very high pressured job, so I will always just be there for him, but I just feel he is making so many sacrifices. Iam sure I will not be the first or the last with these worries, but they are so precious . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 This is probably not what you want to hear and I do empathise with you! However, 15 and a half years on and I'm still working hard at pleasing my daughter-in-law! As far as I have found, there is no other way if you want to keep you son and, in our case, our three grandchildren. That old saying comes to mind....."a daughter is a daughter for all of her life, a son is a son till he takes a wife! Very true! I'm sure there will be others who have different experiences of daughters-in-law. Mine is very nice at times and can be extremely caring and helpful too but only when it pleases her. The latest little niggle (but I'll never let on it's a niggle!) was when my youngest daughter visited them for a night and went to wash her hands at the kitchen sink. She asked for the soap and was told that there wasn't any in the kitchen as her brother had this nasty habit of washing his dirty hands in the kitchen sink and that is so unhygenic! Well, of course, where would he get that nasty habit from? I rest my case!I have never fallen out with my daughter-in-law and my advice to you is to roll your shoulders, count to ten and keep sight of the fact that your son has made his choice and unfortunately you have no say in that choice! And, for goodness sake, don't fall out with her or you will most likely loose your son as well....after all, to him, she is the best thing since sliced bread! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russethouse Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 We often lunch at a local restaurant and chat to the same elderly chap.( I think he is in his late 80s) His only child, a son, lives in the USA but sometimes comes to Europe for work related stuff.Our elderly friend mentioned the son and his wife were due to visit and he always says ' she wouldn't have been my choice for him'. One day I asked him how long his son and his wife had been together - the answer was 40 years !!![:)][:)] I guess we don't always know best.[;-)] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitty Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 As I see it. V's son has not married this girlfriend (yet) or moved in with him and so surely the advice that V needs is slightly different than for an "official" daughter-in-law. Can one influence a son so that he realises that perhaps she isn't the best choice or is that a dangerous course of action? Do sons marry regardless of what their mothers think? I know that my husband would not have married me if his Mum had not liked me - but is that unusual? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chancer Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 [quote user="Cathy"] Can one influence a son so that he realises that perhaps she isn't the best choice or is that a dangerous course of action? [/quote]What is so wrong with a shallow, stunning, beautifull looking stick insect?Can all the footballers and celebs be so wrong?My answer is probably yes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceni Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 [quote user="Anna"].. count to ten and keep sight of the fact that your son has made his choice and unfortunately you have no say in that choice! And, for goodness sake, don't fall out with her or you will most likely loose your son as well....after all, to him, she is the best thing since sliced bread![/quote]Best advice so far but as a mere man what do I know ?Find something else to occupy your time beyond trying to live your son's life for him. Unless he is a totally insensitive clod he will know that you do not approve of his choice of mate and doubtless has her bleating in his ear all the time complaining about you. At present they come as a package deal - accept it and learn to live with it.John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoddy Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 The other thing can happen too - I rather miss my ex daughter-in-law even though I understand perfectly why she and my son divorced.Hoddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just john Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 A lot of water still has to pass under the bridge. My son had a similar relationship, (she was the most materialistic girl I have met, we paid for them to fly business class to Whistler as his present, she never even thanked us) we tried to get along with her (to her face) but when my son visited us alone we made comments that were not welcome, usually ending with my wife telling him to 'kick her into touch', it didn't improve our relationship (he moved out to avoid our influence). Three years later halleluiah, there was a bust up [:)] A year or so ago he met a really talented bubbly girl, so fingers crossed, we learn't that fate intervenes where we couldn't. (not for the first or last time). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cooperlola Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 If your son is the guy you think he is, he will figure it out for himself. I've never had kids so I can't comment, but I've been a DiL, and no doubt the in-laws weren't impressed totally by me either! But ultimately, it's the couple's business, not the parents. They have to live together full time, not you. You have to trust him to make the right (or even the wrong) choices and the more you comment, the more stubborn you may make him. The one thing in your favour is that the attractive but empty headed (of both sexes) are often fine in the short term but boredom will set in before too long, in my experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gluestick Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 I fear that your comments apply rather well to le petit Nicolas, JE!One wonders just what Madame la mére Sarkozy thinks of his current schlapper?[:D] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 It's very difficult looking at your children and seeing them as adults, you can only guide, and advise them for so long, then they are on their own, with their own ideas, and values, it is a shame that you have these feelings for this girl, ask yourself, is it JUST THIS ONE, or would you have similar issues with any girl that he took up with,I have never been in your situation, my son has been in two long term relationships, one of them he married, I got on famously with both of them, so much so, that after the divorce I saw more of my daughter-in-law, than I did my son, try and think of it this way, he is a grown man, and unless she has some sinister hold over him (which I doubt) then he is free to come and go, let him know that you are always there for him,and will continue to be so, WHATEVER you do NEVER NEVER rubbish her in front of him, because, no matter how much he loves you, if he stays with her, he will put her first, and you will lose him, also if the relationship fails, say nothing about her, never say'I told you so'. he will just need a cuddle. Anyway, all the very best.Belle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just john Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 Between us we always had a decent relationship with our son and my wife especially was forthright where things were not right, so she was just honest, including the advice that the decision is his, once we told him that he wasn't as happy as he was he opened up about the difficulties. Our son (at 22) needed the input from us even though he chose his own path, it did give him perspective and he knew he was able to lead his own life and make his own decisions, fortunately our relationship means we continue to grow and learn from each other but we always thought we should be honest, without any mal intent; certainly not hiding truths and avoiding discussion, but then being able to carry on life respecting each side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vervialle Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 Many thanks for all your helpful posts, just had a bad day yesterday I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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