The Riff-Raff Element Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 [The setting: an office in Stockholm. It is bright, nicely decorated, with a shimmering hardwood floor and high quality furniture. Very high quality. This stuff was never flat-packed. Behind a large desk sits SVEN. He is in his late twenties. SVEN is blond, muscular, with even teeth and can only be described as beautiful. He is busy at a computer. On the wall a sign: Swedish Foreign MinistryInterdepartmental Kømittie for Exporting Amusement – I.K.E.A. Beneath the sign, an inscription that can only be a mission statement: “Combating stereotypes and putting a smile on people’s faces. One day.” It is Monday morning. Another man enters the room. He is tall, about 45, also blond, rugged in the Clint Eastwood mould with a neatly trimmed beard. This is LARS, SVEN’s boss.] LARS: “Hey Sven! You’re in early! What’s going on?” SVEN: “Just came in early to have a look at the reports from the French field office following our changes to the Välke range of kitchen units. How was your weekend? LARS: “Oh Ingrid and I went up to the cottage. Did a bit of fishing, watched some elk, we made love in a glacial stream, the icy water boiling off our heaving oiled bodies with the heat of our passion…” SVEN: “Same old, same old then?” LARS: “Pretty much. You?” SVEN: “Oh I sat around the apartment with the lights off, listened to some old “Joy Division” stuff, drank a few bottles of vodka, ate raw fish and thought about Death.” LARS: “Hey! Rip it up!” [They “high five”] “You single guys have all the fun! So what did the French office have to say?” SVEN: “Well, you remember that we changed the spec of Välke so that it was only possible to drive in the screws that hold the enormously hard rubberwood worktop in place using the pointless little 5cm screwdriver we included in the pack?” LARS: “I think so – the screws in question actually require a power screwdriver, but we changed the spec so that only a 3 foot tall circus contortionist with no head, titanium knuckles and dislocated knees could ever hope to get into the position required to use one?” SVEN: “That’s it yes. The results were…mixed. The test subject, male in his mid thirties with considerable DIY experience worked on the screws for over an hour, but…” LARS: “He didn’t laugh, did he? He didn’t see the funny side at all.” SVEN: “No. He yelled at his children, kicked the cat and went down his local bar for ‘a swift one’. He spent the next three hours drinking beer and talking morosely to a disinterested French barman about What Is Wrong With The English Football Team; it would seem that they haven’t seen the funny side of that project either.” LARS: “ More sharing options... JohnM Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 The kitchen installation is going well then! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Boiling a frog Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 [quote][ The setting: an office in Stockholm. It is bright, nicely decorated, with a shimmering hardwood floor and high quality furniture. Very high quality. This stuff was never flat-packed. Behind a large...[/quote]ANOTHER WHINGING POM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Dog Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 We got suckered into the airbrushed glamour of the Intersex Kenetic European Absolute. We trekked to the store in Bordeaux, climbed the dizzy stairs to enter the surreal world of genetically modified ABBA design. It's like entering a tunnel of hate - the mood of the people turns from wonderment through optimism to abject anger. We finally left when Big Dave yelled " If we must buy rubbish lets buy old rubbish made from real wood!"As we left all hot and bothered - there outside the main entrance was a triple pallet made of solid wood, it was big and heavy and we lifted it up and carried it to the van through the bemused crowds of coffee table magazine brain washed same sex couples. We made good our escape with the only real wood from the Princess of Darknesses shoppe. We have since used the wood to build real furniture and the left overs will keep us warm on the fire this winter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... SaligoBay Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Due to (I realise now) a strange childhood, I met many things somewhat later in life than the rest of you.Yoghurt at 17, still not keen.Bob Dylan at 18, never looked back, love it.McDo at 22, an accident waiting to happen.IKEA at 936 in M****ille, France. Found it not dissimilar to the MFI I'd visited in Southampton before I left.Glad I'm not alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Teamedup Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 I was a late starter too SB for quite a lot of things, but I sure enjoyed catching up for the most part.. But I cannot believe that we cannot say m a r s e i l l e on here.......... would Mbumille be better one wonders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Jill<br><br>Jill (99) Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 It was funny, but sorry - I love IKEA! They are the only people who make bookshelves that actually go up to the ceiling! They also make free standing wardrobes that go up to the ceiling, whereas normally, you'd get fitted wardrobes that go mouldy at the back. We have Ikea bookshelves in most rooms and I'd love to get rid of the 5 sets of MFI ones currently surrounding me in favour of some IKEA ones which would go to the ceiling and would also match my desk and filing cabinet.If I could afford real wood, I would do. But IKEA is good quality for what it is, and I've never had any problems putting it together - except for the metal stuff which has wire drawer trays - They bow and the middle drawers pop out. I had to get someone to put braces on the one I have at my dance studio.I'm still waiting for someone to invent tall bookshelves which are much narrower though - not all our books are large encyclopaediae - we do have paperbacks too, and ordinary hardback novels. Then my real dream is to find a unit to house TV, Video, DVD and the actual DVD's and Videos in a unit that fits into a corner and goes to the ceiling. The problem with most furniture designs is that they are designed for large European rooms (as opposed to pokey English rooms) and ignore the fact that in English houses you have fireplaces to fit the furniture around. Ikea are also great for cheap glasses etc. Hands up if you have kids and have the small coloured plastic tumblers? We even saw them in the kitchen of the owners of Rockingham Castle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Jill<br><br>Jill (99) Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 "But I cannot believe that we cannot say m a r s e i l l e on here.......... would Mbumille be better one wonders." Quote by TUYes, that's OK because bum is American for a r s e.Can you say - oops, no - lost my nerve - f***y because that's only bum in American but a lot less polite in English - at least where I come from. Who'd be a French woman called Francoise and then move over here then! Actually, as a child I did now of a couple of women called Fanny. My aunt used to call her neighbour "Fanny Redhead" - I bet you get lots of them over there, from what I've read on here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... SaligoBay Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 In fact, I'm looking forward to the Montpellier IKEA opening, because we'll have a serious need for space-saving ideas when we move to our rabbit hutch in a couple of weeks!And in their favour, at least their colours are light. Those dark walnut armoires are all very well, but I think I'd get suicidal actually living with one looming largely and darkly over me.The new kitchen has nice shiny blue carrelage on the floor, it's brilliant!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... opas Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Heres me telling Dick he`must do` CPAM to see a borne , obviously it is I who needs to get a life! Have never been in IKEA....looking forward to a day out But I think I`ll give the ceiling high bookshelves a miss as I would have to keep the box to reach them on!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Alexis Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Must admit that I love IKEA. IK as in sick like the French pronouce it. Only know the one in Nantes but it is full of little treasures. Not battled with furniture though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Alcazar Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Mars eille? Aha, at last I've found another town that the computer censors. I bet I live in the only one in England though? Sunny Scunny.Alcazar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... The Riff-Raff Element Posted September 24, 2004 Author Share Posted September 24, 2004 [quote]The kitchen installation is going well then![/quote]Much better since I decided to unfetter myself from the tyrany of irrelevent things like the instructions. It suddenly occured to me that these may have been prepared by people who hadn't actually themselves ever built the furniture.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Mpprh Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 HiIKEA has more tricks to play ................... you can buy Swedish delicacies in the shop.Not a contradiction in terms. The smoked fish egg paste is quite palatable, but avoid kotbullar, glogg, and particularly surstromming ( http://www.allscandinavia.com/surstromming.htm ).And I speak from experience !Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... SaligoBay Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 The instructions are all part of the master plan.They use a special piece of software called a RIG - random instruction generator. Once they've got a set of instructions that is reasonably close to the item in question (when viewed from an industry-specified distance), they get a Greek to translate it from Swedish into Japanese, and then an Armenian to translate it from Japanese to English.And it works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Clarkkent Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 [quote]Mars eille? Aha, at last I've found another town that the computer censors. I bet I live in the only one in England though? Sunny Scunny. Alcazar[/quote]I suppose that the IKEA at Brent would be reasonably convenient for someone living in******osters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... The Riff-Raff Element Posted September 24, 2004 Author Share Posted September 24, 2004 [quote]The instructions are all part of the master plan. They use a special piece of software called a RIG - random instruction generator. Once they've got a set of instructions that is reasonably close ...[/quote]This would explain a great deal. I particularly like the non-gender specific humanoid figures that they use to explain things like lifting, holding a drill or having a friend (preferably the circus contortionist I mentioned earlier) help you.Don't get me wrong - I am always very pleased with the IKEA stuff we buy...once its been assembled. I'm also very pleased that in France they allow you to order the stuff online and have it delivered, thus avoiding the actual going-to-the-store bit. Certainly when we lived in the UK this facility was not available so I had to go physically to Brent Cross and my wife had to endure two hours of glazed sulking on my part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Please sign in to comment You will be able to leave a comment after signing in Sign In Now Share More sharing options... Followers 0
JohnM Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 The kitchen installation is going well then! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boiling a frog Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 [quote][ The setting: an office in Stockholm. It is bright, nicely decorated, with a shimmering hardwood floor and high quality furniture. Very high quality. This stuff was never flat-packed. Behind a large...[/quote]ANOTHER WHINGING POM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 We got suckered into the airbrushed glamour of the Intersex Kenetic European Absolute. We trekked to the store in Bordeaux, climbed the dizzy stairs to enter the surreal world of genetically modified ABBA design. It's like entering a tunnel of hate - the mood of the people turns from wonderment through optimism to abject anger. We finally left when Big Dave yelled " If we must buy rubbish lets buy old rubbish made from real wood!"As we left all hot and bothered - there outside the main entrance was a triple pallet made of solid wood, it was big and heavy and we lifted it up and carried it to the van through the bemused crowds of coffee table magazine brain washed same sex couples. We made good our escape with the only real wood from the Princess of Darknesses shoppe. We have since used the wood to build real furniture and the left overs will keep us warm on the fire this winter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaligoBay Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Due to (I realise now) a strange childhood, I met many things somewhat later in life than the rest of you.Yoghurt at 17, still not keen.Bob Dylan at 18, never looked back, love it.McDo at 22, an accident waiting to happen.IKEA at 936 in M****ille, France. Found it not dissimilar to the MFI I'd visited in Southampton before I left.Glad I'm not alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teamedup Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 I was a late starter too SB for quite a lot of things, but I sure enjoyed catching up for the most part.. But I cannot believe that we cannot say m a r s e i l l e on here.......... would Mbumille be better one wonders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jill<br><br>Jill (99) Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 It was funny, but sorry - I love IKEA! They are the only people who make bookshelves that actually go up to the ceiling! They also make free standing wardrobes that go up to the ceiling, whereas normally, you'd get fitted wardrobes that go mouldy at the back. We have Ikea bookshelves in most rooms and I'd love to get rid of the 5 sets of MFI ones currently surrounding me in favour of some IKEA ones which would go to the ceiling and would also match my desk and filing cabinet.If I could afford real wood, I would do. But IKEA is good quality for what it is, and I've never had any problems putting it together - except for the metal stuff which has wire drawer trays - They bow and the middle drawers pop out. I had to get someone to put braces on the one I have at my dance studio.I'm still waiting for someone to invent tall bookshelves which are much narrower though - not all our books are large encyclopaediae - we do have paperbacks too, and ordinary hardback novels. Then my real dream is to find a unit to house TV, Video, DVD and the actual DVD's and Videos in a unit that fits into a corner and goes to the ceiling. The problem with most furniture designs is that they are designed for large European rooms (as opposed to pokey English rooms) and ignore the fact that in English houses you have fireplaces to fit the furniture around. Ikea are also great for cheap glasses etc. Hands up if you have kids and have the small coloured plastic tumblers? We even saw them in the kitchen of the owners of Rockingham Castle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jill<br><br>Jill (99) Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 "But I cannot believe that we cannot say m a r s e i l l e on here.......... would Mbumille be better one wonders." Quote by TUYes, that's OK because bum is American for a r s e.Can you say - oops, no - lost my nerve - f***y because that's only bum in American but a lot less polite in English - at least where I come from. Who'd be a French woman called Francoise and then move over here then! Actually, as a child I did now of a couple of women called Fanny. My aunt used to call her neighbour "Fanny Redhead" - I bet you get lots of them over there, from what I've read on here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaligoBay Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 In fact, I'm looking forward to the Montpellier IKEA opening, because we'll have a serious need for space-saving ideas when we move to our rabbit hutch in a couple of weeks!And in their favour, at least their colours are light. Those dark walnut armoires are all very well, but I think I'd get suicidal actually living with one looming largely and darkly over me.The new kitchen has nice shiny blue carrelage on the floor, it's brilliant!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
opas Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Heres me telling Dick he`must do` CPAM to see a borne , obviously it is I who needs to get a life! Have never been in IKEA....looking forward to a day out But I think I`ll give the ceiling high bookshelves a miss as I would have to keep the box to reach them on!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexis Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Must admit that I love IKEA. IK as in sick like the French pronouce it. Only know the one in Nantes but it is full of little treasures. Not battled with furniture though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcazar Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Mars eille? Aha, at last I've found another town that the computer censors. I bet I live in the only one in England though? Sunny Scunny.Alcazar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Riff-Raff Element Posted September 24, 2004 Author Share Posted September 24, 2004 [quote]The kitchen installation is going well then![/quote]Much better since I decided to unfetter myself from the tyrany of irrelevent things like the instructions. It suddenly occured to me that these may have been prepared by people who hadn't actually themselves ever built the furniture.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mpprh Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 HiIKEA has more tricks to play ................... you can buy Swedish delicacies in the shop.Not a contradiction in terms. The smoked fish egg paste is quite palatable, but avoid kotbullar, glogg, and particularly surstromming ( http://www.allscandinavia.com/surstromming.htm ).And I speak from experience !Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaligoBay Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 The instructions are all part of the master plan.They use a special piece of software called a RIG - random instruction generator. Once they've got a set of instructions that is reasonably close to the item in question (when viewed from an industry-specified distance), they get a Greek to translate it from Swedish into Japanese, and then an Armenian to translate it from Japanese to English.And it works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarkkent Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 [quote]Mars eille? Aha, at last I've found another town that the computer censors. I bet I live in the only one in England though? Sunny Scunny. Alcazar[/quote]I suppose that the IKEA at Brent would be reasonably convenient for someone living in******osters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Riff-Raff Element Posted September 24, 2004 Author Share Posted September 24, 2004 [quote]The instructions are all part of the master plan. They use a special piece of software called a RIG - random instruction generator. Once they've got a set of instructions that is reasonably close ...[/quote]This would explain a great deal. I particularly like the non-gender specific humanoid figures that they use to explain things like lifting, holding a drill or having a friend (preferably the circus contortionist I mentioned earlier) help you.Don't get me wrong - I am always very pleased with the IKEA stuff we buy...once its been assembled. I'm also very pleased that in France they allow you to order the stuff online and have it delivered, thus avoiding the actual going-to-the-store bit. Certainly when we lived in the UK this facility was not available so I had to go physically to Brent Cross and my wife had to endure two hours of glazed sulking on my part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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