idun Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 So you retire or decide to get away from work and move to France and open a b&b.First time you and other half have ever been constantly in one another's company for more than a good holiday, ever.One of you doesn't speak much french or neither does. You buy somewhere remote, coz you 'loved' the place and all that land and not near being anyone. So there is no one else really.SO how do you get on together in France either working together for the first time, OR retiring?I realise that some have talked of divorce and some like my husband did worked in 'ordinary' sort of jobs, well his wasn't quite ordinary. How has it been with this person who isn't a stranger, but has probably spent more waking time in their lives with colleagues than yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Strange question. I would be interested to know why is it of any consequence to you when you no longer live in France? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 We were discussing the film Hall Pass the other day and it just got me thinking.We were often 'alone' in France and rubbed together OK, usually, ups and downs like most people. However, I would holiday with the kids or with friends from time to time and husband would go and ski or sail with friends. We needed space and that was with him going to work, although his hours were very strange, hence we were together a lot. No funny business during our 'breaks' mind, not on my part, and I'm sure not on his either. (wish I could do smileys)We still have these mini breaks now that he has retired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprogster Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 idun, you have hit the nail on the head, in that the main reasons most expat Brit retirees end up leaving France and returning to the UK are called the "Three D's". Debt, Divorce and Death!You have highlighted one of them and that is the stress put on a relationship in moving to another country to live in a remote rural location, with a different language, leaving friends and family behind and being together 24/7. Especially, if as is often the case, one of the couple is less seduced by the dream! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crossy67 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Mrs C and my self have been working together for 5 years and are moving next month. It has it's moments being together 24/7 but we get on well and miss each other when we are apart. I think the key is for both people to know their places (especially the women [6]) (only kidding). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprogster Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Jav, the big difference for women is that they tend to have a much closer network of life long friends, than men. When moving to France later in life it is very difficult to replace that support from friends and most husbands do not make a similar alternative! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judith Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 [quote user="Sprogster"]Jav, the big difference for women is that they tend to have a much closer network of life long friends, than men. When moving to France later in life it is very difficult to replace that support from friends and most husbands do not make a similar alternative![/quote]I thnk it depends on the person - I had some friends in the UK, but very few "long-term" ones, and mainly,but not exclusively female. Here in France I have met more people than I did in the latter years in the UK, where many people I met were work contacts, and I continue to have more friends and acquaintances here than I ever had in the UK, and whilst I would not say I am very friendly with all, I do meet more than I ever did before. And these friends in France are both male and female, French and English.It can be done - you just have to work at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Department71 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Although we haven't retired fully to France, we spend up to 3 months at a time there, I think we have cracked it, i'm out in the garden cutting grass etc working in the workshop making things, and she is indoors reading her books.Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I read the post with amusement ,I now count myself a very lucky man to have been married to my wife for 40 years and hand on heart I would never have considered not having her around as our lives have been built on our life experiences. We are 24/7 together met many wonderful people both here and in England call me sad but I do not regret a moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Good for you.We have two lots of friends who have just had their golden weddings, my SIL's parents had their diamond and we have had 32 years of martial something or other too, bliss doesn't quite seem like the right word to be honest, but no regrets, which is important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bixy Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Sprogster, you are right. Of all the British couples we know here it is almost always the man who is happier to be in France, despite the fact that it is almost always the woman who speaks the better French! As for us, we are together 24/7 and it is never a problem. We have both interests that we share and those we pursue separately. We have made many more friends of several nationalities than we ever made in the UK. I hope I never to have to go back to the UK.Patrick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Now Bixy, you raise other points there. I would agree that men in general find it a good place to live, not all, but most. I would suggest that the macho-ness of french society has it's appeal to mens consience or maybe just their sub consience. And the macho-ness of french society is the reason why I would never have lived there alone. In some ways I would say it is sort of easier to meet people in France, I simply put it down to our 'novelty/exotic' value really, for the first few years. I still know the people I met and knew well when I first moved to France, but close friends came later, quite a bit later. I don't have many very close friends, and never expect to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprogster Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 bixy, that is why if the husband dies, the wife invariably returns to the UK to be closer to family and friends.There have been previous posts on the subject of being a widow in France, in that it can be an isolating experience for a women on her own in rural France. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarkkent Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 [quote user="idun"] ... martial something or other too, bliss ...[/quote]I do hope that this was a typing error. This is an interesting thread. I can look at from another angle - my wife and I were planning to retire to France. We already had our second home there, but she died and the idea was not so attractive. We spent as much of our time together as we could - when she was not around I felt only half alive. Spending time apart was anathema to both of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stan Streason Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Throughout our 35 years of marriage we have probably only been "together" on holidays. Now that most of these holidays are at our place in France we have developed a shared interest to pass the time.She points out the jobs that need doing around the house and I do them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 CK, I'll leave it to you to decide as to whether that was a typo or not!!You said 'as much time as you could together'. That is the thing isn't it, that lots of people just do not have the time to spend a lot of time 'together'. And even if it is great, full time together may (or not) rub the shine off quite quickly.Interesting you blokes whose wives point out the jobs and you do them. Hmm not quite like that chez moi. I would hate to give the impression that nothing gets done, it does, but not necessarily in the order that I would find most important or 'logical'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceni Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 [quote user="idun"]Interesting you blokes whose wives point out the jobs and you do them. Hmm not quite like that chez moi. I would hate to give the impression that nothing gets done, it does, but not necessarily in the order that I would find most important or 'logical'.[/quote]You have 3 options - find someone else's OH to do it, do it yourself or stop finding fault.I suspect that the greatest hurdle to be overcome when retiring (to France or anywhere) is the prospect/fear of so much time together after a lifetime of separate bliss. John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 Oh I am not one for finding fault. I am lots of things but don't whine or nag. I don't understand 'nags', why do it? It is not only demeaning but confrontational. A philosphical approach to getting things done in another order, is the way I live. And everything gets done eventually, no matter which order it gets done in.(Apart from in the car, where we go from uneasy truce to all out war, neither likes the others driving.)'I suspect that the greatest hurdle to be overcome when retiring (to France or anywhere) is the prospect/fear of so much time together after a lifetime of separate bliss.' Wonderfully put!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gardengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 We've always spent a lot of time together, as we have similar interests, but increased it about 10 years ago, divided between UK and France.Yes, the occasional disagreement, but after 40+ years together we've been lucky that it's never been a great problem in sicknesss or in health; I think it helps if you're great friends as well as anything else. We find we have a busier social life in France, belonging to walking groups, AVF etc. In UK many friends have moved away or died, and the family and garden take up a lot of our time there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarkkent Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 [quote user="idun"]You said 'as much time as you could together'. That is the thing isn't it, that lots of people just do not have the time to spend a lot of time 'together'. And even if it is great, full time together may (or not) rub the shine off quite quickly. [/quote]Apart from time we spent at work, and when circumstances otherwise determined it, we spent the WHOLE of our time together, we were seldom apart. She was my dearest and closest friend. We married rather less than a year after our first meeting and then had several years together before our first child was born. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ejc Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 ditto, we also met, married within the year, children arriving somewhat later, & much prefer to be together than apart..... France is simply an extension of that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stan Streason Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Wow! Some of your other halves must have access to the comments you are making about them on this site right?Or should I just rename myself as Mr Cynical? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gardengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 M. Cynical it is! [:)] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idun Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 Does it count that I moved in with my now husband weeks after I met him. Just turned up on the doorstep, uninvited to be honest. For a very respectable young lady, which I was, it was a very naughty thing to do at the time. It is good to hear that there are those of you who love(d) to be together so much. I have had a bit of an odd life in France. We were together far more than most people we knew. And some friends actually thought he didn't work at all for quite some time. I didn't work, apart from voluntary stuff. He had the oddest of hours and so was only actually fully absent from the house during the day time 60 days a year. He did work nights too, but that is a little different in absence really and they were as few as his days at work. And I think that we always appreciated times apart, I do believe it is a very concentrated type of relationship in a foreign country and different culture. As we are all human there are surely those who have found themselves somewhere they cannot stand and with a person they keep wondering what it was they ever liked about in the first place. OR NOT, which would be nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chessie Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Oh dear Idun - '....somewhere they cannot stand..' and '...with person ..-..wondering what it was they ever liked..or not...'Do you honestly think anyone is going to come forward and state publicly, to be dredged up by others - their real bitter regret at leaving the UK; the dislike they have of living where they are because '..it was to please the OH..' Or even worse, actually admitting that they enjoyed the 'bliss of separation' that working meant - and they just cannot bear to spend long periods of time with THAT person - but can see no way out !!!!!Even if it applied, I'd never admit it publicly.But if there are honest, brave souls out there - well, we'd be all ears and sympathy !!Sorry Idun...don't hold out much hope for honestly or public soul-baring here....Chessie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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