hakunamatata Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 My husband has recently had several heart operations and is now in the situation where he feels he could die at anytime. Sadly we have not been as happy as we hoped in France due to property problems and struggling with the language and this has made his mental state worse in recent days. I hope I am wrong but I fear the worst and wonder if there is a fact sheet somewhere that I can read in order to prepare myself should the worst happen. I am quite an organised person as far as business matters are concerned and can manage banks etc but need info in advance regarding the procedure in France. I know this all sounds very morbid, but I want to be ready for any eventuality and lets face it if worrying about him kills me first then there will be a file for him to follow! Any help would be much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clair Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Is this what you are looking for?FAQ: Dealing with a death in France Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
parsnips Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 [quote user="hakunamatata"]My husband has recently had several heart operations and is now in the situation where he feels he could die at anytime. Sadly we have not been as happy as we hoped in France due to property problems and struggling with the language and this has made his mental state worse in recent days. I hope I am wrong but I fear the worst and wonder if there is a fact sheet somewhere that I can read in order to prepare myself should the worst happen. I am quite an organised person as far as business matters are concerned and can manage banks etc but need info in advance regarding the procedure in France. I know this all sounds very morbid, but I want to be ready for any eventuality and lets face it if worrying about him kills me first then there will be a file for him to follow! Any help would be much appreciated.[/quote] Hi, I'm very sorry to hear of your situation, Here is a summary I've prepared for my wife's use (when it arises): 1. Obtain death certificate from Dr. or Hospital 2. Take death cert. with passports , birth cert. marriage cert. (+ marriage contract-if appropriate) within 24hrs to your mairie to obtain "L'acte de décès" get or make several copies (for banks, investment co.s etc.) The mairie will be able to advise re. undertakers etc. 3. Contact notaire to deal with succession.(not obligatory but necessary if there is a house) it's best not to use your bank for this--they are expensive. 4. Inform bank(s), utility companies, pension providers, DWP. To supplement these brief notes you can find more coverage on totalfrance.com - forums - legal and admin - (sticky)"Checklist you will all require-what to do in case of death". edit: it now appears to have been covered by previous post sent at same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hakunamatata Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 Thank you for your help everybody, I knew there was something on TF but I have fallen out with them!!. Lets hope the information will not be necessary but it is always good to have something easy to refer to if the worse comes to the worse. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerise Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 I am sorry that things are not good for you. One thing you need to be prepared for in the event of a death is the speed with which things have to be done. All burials and cremations must be within 5 days and the norm is 48 hours after the death. Ths is so much quicker than we are used to in the Uk and doesn't make it that easy if you have to arrange for people to come from abroad etc. From that point of view it may be helpful to decide who you need to notify and if you wish them to attend any ceremony etc. There is very little time to make preparations and when you are already in a state of shock it is not easy, so writing down both of your wishes may help.Moving the body in France (if the person doesn't die in hospital) is also a little complicated - and indeed many French people keep the person at home until the funeral. You may find it useful to locate the nearest undertakers (pompes funèbres) and chat through the procedure with them. They won't find it odd, many people in fact pay for their funeral in advance. If you prefer cremation it is as well to know where the crematorium is and if you want a burial you can rent the plot at any time - you don't have to wait until you need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carmelle Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 I hope that you can also rely on french friends .It would be better for these sort of things . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hakunamatata Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 We dont have any really close friends unfortunately but I had to call the emergency out again for him today and he is in hospital again for at least tonight. I am convinced that a lot of the problem is panic but he is on so many drugs and is also diabetic that we almost have a second pharmacy here in the house. We had five pompiers and three doctors this afternoon in our very small house! They are fantastic. My French is not good but medically it is improving. I am at my wits end to know what to do. We moved here with the best intentions, it was his idea to get out of the UK . I have always wanted to m ove abroad but because I have serious eye problems and cannot drive and knew with his diabetes it was not a good idea I preferred to stay in the UK. Nevertheless we moved here and cannot go back. We had bad experiences with buying property and live in a house we both dislike. I am trying to make the best of it with the garden etc but OH has now because of his medical problems got a death wish, he just wants out. I am still young enough at 65 to want a laugh and a good life. We cannot go on holiday anymore because of his problems so how do I come to terms with this and get him out of his severe depression so we can live a reasonably happy life? Good questions for a forum I know, and I am sorry to rabbit on, but when you have had a few and you are depressed you do rabbit on, Computers are brilliant things because you can talk to people and they may or may not reply but at least typing your problems out helps somewhat. Sorry folks but thank you for reading!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russethouse Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Sorry to hear you have had such a rough day..... Could any of his drugs be contributing to his depression ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Animal Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 We are here if you need to talk Margaret. How long have you been over here now? Do you know any of your neighbours very well? You must feel very alone with all these problems, but I'm sure your husband is in good hands at the hospital.Hope things will be a bit better tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerise Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 There are English counsellors in France - maybe your doctor could refer your husband, or evn you if your husband is unwillling to talk. I will try to find out if their is anything in the way of a support network in your area, similar to Cancercare in France but for diabetics. Someone to talk to might help.It is horrid to be stuck where you are unhappy. Chat to your doctor and make sure you are getting all the help you can have, being tired will make you feel more depressed. Sometimes it is possible to get help around the house etc with your mutuelle so it is worth asking. Keep posting your questions etc here. There is always someone to listen and sympathise.Hope you feel a little better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnOther Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Hello Margaret,Desperately sorry to hear of your circumstances and I hope you find the strength and courage to cope, it does sound like you have some spunk left in you though !As mentioned there are English counselling services available from which you might gain some comfort and support so do follow that up.Easier said than done I know but I think you do need to try and get him out of his depression because even without the medical problems that in itself is hugely debilitating. One question, what are or were his interests, there may be someone here who shares them and could initiate a spark of interest in him. I'm sure we all wish you all the best in trying times.On a wider level I think this thread should be read by everyone, especially those of advanced years, as there is a lesson here for many who I'm certain have driven thoughts about their own mortality to the back of their minds.Finally, and I don't mean to sound prosaic or be judgemental, please take it easy on the bottle, you'll be no help to yourself or your OH if you go down that road.Bon courageErnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hakunamatata Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Thank you ErnieY and everyone for your kind remarks. Yes you are righr Ernie, the bottle is not the answer but it helped as a stress buster yesterday - dont worry there is non left for today|! I apologise for the outburst of despair last night but it is so much easier to write your thoughts rather than share them with people you dont know well and I am not one to ask for help even from my children.We will see what the doctors have to say today as I expect him back from hospital sometime this afternoon. He is on so many drugs that I am sure some must be fighting each other. He has diabetic medication, thyroid, cholestrol, blood pressure, various heart medicines, sleeping pills (he hasnt slept much for years) and the latest addition anti-stress tablets so you see he is a walking pharmacy! Maybe things will improve with the weather which is horrendous for Easter, we have had wind and pouring rain for about 4 days now and that certainly depresses me SAD in more ways than one.Thank you all and enjoy Easter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patf Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Hoping things improve for you and your husband soon, Margaret - with the weather [:(]The same questions occur to me sometimes, and I tend to push them to the back of my mind. But now, thanks to you I now know that the first two steps are the doctor and then the Maire.A further complication, neither of us wants to be buried in France, and that won't be easy to arrange, which is one of the main reasons for us trying to sell up and move back.Sorry you've had to ask this Margaret, and I think Ernie's suggestion is good - try to persuade your husband to join the Forum. Pat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemonimo Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear of your problems, Margaret. You say you are not one to ask for help even from your children and I can understand that entirely but your children will feel terrible knowing their mother is carrying such a weight and that you couldn't reach out to them in order for them to reach out to you. It's in moments like this that the support of a loving family is essential. The good weather will soon be here and you will feel so much better with the sun on your back as you work in your garden. xx Jen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just john Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I am sorry to read your post Margaret, I have been through this and though not completely out of it I do understand very well what you are going through, I have PM'd you , Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerise Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 PatF - if it will take the weight off your mind, repatriation of bodies is fairly easy to arrange by funeral directors. It is not that it is difficult, simply expensive - and you do need to tell someone as soon as the death occurs. However, as you are very much alive now you can take out a funeral contract if you want which would pay for it. It may sound morbid but knowing things would be done as you want can sometimes be a relief. In case you are wondering, I don't have anything to do with funeral directors but I worked for many years in the Wills and Trust department of a large bank and spent a lot of professional time helping bereaved folk. There are many thing people could do to make it easier for themselves, but death is such a taboo that many don't like to think about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hakunamatata Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Update for you fantastic folks who have helped me out. They sent him home again today and the docs can find nothing wrong with his heart more than we already know. They have not reduced the medication so we will see how things go. Yesterday really seemed to me as though it was all over but as they say where there is life there is hope. I am slightly less stressed today and will be even better tomorrow as meteo says it will stop raining. I will pm Pomhorn we have used him before and he is excellent. I am just sorry I fell out with TF but that forum is not the same as it was. Still I am sure Pomhorn will send me the details and we will keep them on file because who knows when they will be needed. I would just like to add that the Pompier/Sapeur service is second to none. They all deserve a medal and we will be sure to give them a generous donation this Christmas plus some chocs or biscuits in the next couple of days for their tea break. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Hello MargaretI'm really sorry to read of your current situation. You've received many messages of support and one in particular from Russethouse has identified your husband's real problem. Without a doubt he's suffering from depression. How serious it is, only the medical profession can tell. You mention that he is being treated for stress but the two things are like cheese and chalk.It is not unusual for people suffering from depression to talk of wanting to die or even to talk of suicide. It's brought on by a feeling of total worthlessness as a physical condition (and many in your husband's case) prevent them from doing many of the things that they were previously able to do.Your husband needs urgent attention to treat his depression. There is never a quick cure to this problem. It will take a long time and infinite patience from those around him to get him back to the person he previously was. At the moment you are looking at someone you barely recognise but I assure you that the person you met, fell in love with and married is still there but hidden from you by this terrible condition.So long as his physical condition holds up you will one day get that loving person back but you simply need help from professionals at the moment that you yourself cannot provide.Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hakunamatata Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Hello Benjamin, I am sure you are absolutely correct, but with limited language skills it is very difficult to explain the whole problem to our doctors who are all excellent. He has been home tonight from hospital for about 2 hours and now we are back to square one again with him in bed worrying and me wondering what my next move should be. The trouble with the situation is that his misery is being passed on to me. I have tried to be understanding and I have tried to be hard, nothing so far has worked. Thank you for your comments we will see how it goes. Our doc has suggested anti-stress pills for a month and then a review but I dont know if I can wait a month for some small sign of improvement. Patience is a virtue I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerdesal Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Please contact your children. Dont try to handle the situation alone. You have support and friends here but its not the same as family....ever.Very best wishes to you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russethouse Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 It seems to me that you need someone with good language skills to come with you and get a realistic prognosis.. Have you seen the doctor yourself, to explain how this is affecting you and your health ? (and your husbands) It seems to me that you are possibly unable to help your husband climb out of this depression and enjoy whatever time he has (it may be longer than you think) unless YOU get support...If you are OK then it will be easier to help your husband...... if you can't actually say what you want to convey in French, could anyone help by translating a letter for the doctor?What is wrong with the house you are in ? Can you do anything about it ?I know I don't seem overly sympathetic, ( I'm sorry) but I had a relative who had a heart condition and I know that the sometimes accompanying depression is very debilitating Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just john Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Two very good friends of mine have been through very bad heart problems, both had bypass surgery, and both went through very bad patches, but both have fully recovered with the load mostly borne by their wives and supported by their families. I can only say now is the time to get as much support from your family, friends and local neighbours as possible, if they are aware of your situation you may be surprised at how much help you receive from surprising quarters. As for getting around locally, is it flat? do you have a bike?, great excuse for popping down the shops.[:)]Good luck and best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quillan Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 I came to France nearly 8 years ago to 'retire' or more to the point move away from a very stressful job and lifestyle. This stressful job along with eating junk food for lunch resulted in not one but three consecutive heart attacks, the last one being almost fatal and having to be resuscitated.Fortunately I got away at the time without having to have open heart surgery but several stents being fitted. All this came as a big shock especially as I was in my mid 40's at the time. I was quite depressed for about a year and couldn't help thinking that life as I knew it had come to an end and thinking, stupidly, that my days were numbered. I don't mean that I thought I would 'pop my clogs' in the immediate future but that my lifespan was considerably shortened and I would be lucky to see sixty. The first thing I did on getting out of hospital was to make my will out, that's how depressed I was.You do get past this, some quicker than others and its difficult to explain to those who have not experienced this type of illness. I guess the thing that's odd is its illness you can't see so you don't know if things are OK or not, you have to rely on others namely your cardiologist and doctor.One reason for coming to France was because of the health care which is considerably better than I experienced back in the UK. OK the cardiac unit there was excellent but once your moved out of it things change but that's another story and it does seem to depend on where you live. Here in France I get a basic checkup every 3 months by my doctor and any problems result in a trip to the cardiologist which has not happened other than the annual checkup I have as a matter of course and will carry on having till the day I die. This is fantastic compared to the UK where I had a follow up after 6 weeks and told that there was not need for them to see me ever again.The reason for writing this is so the OP can tell her husband that by having surgery for a heart problem/defect is not the end of the world. My problem is hereditary and will not go away, its something I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life. Fortunately I feel well looked after here in France and know that the slightest change will result in immediate action. I have recently had a triple bypass as the stents came to the end of their life cycle (I had a old type stent, new ones have a much longer life and can outlife the patient). I had no anxiety this time round, I just accepted it, had the operation and feel no different and just carry a few scars.As I learnt early on during my depression that it is all in the head but it is difficult to become positive and needs a lot of work by both the person with the problem and their family. One day it just dawned on me that I had wasted so much of my life and missed out on opportunities. Since then I have tried to fulfill as many of them as I can. I have been skiing (was cr@p by the way), scuba diving, white water rafting, climbed a mountain (not that big, just about a mountain in size) and loads of other things which I have enjoyed that I may of never done in the past even though the opportunity was there. I guess I take the attitude that life is short so I need to get out there and do as much as I can. A good day for me is waking up after that its what I make of it and I am intent in getting the best out of each day as I can.I think this chap needs some help and reassurance, possibly by somebody who has gone through a similar thing. Its very difficult for his wife because there is only so much she can say or do and after a while there is nothing more to be said which in turn increases the depression. My wife was at the end of her tether with me but fortunately I snapped out of it just in time. I was so engrossed in my own problems and thoughts that it seriously effected her as well as my family which I see now was very selfish of me but she has forgiven me.Sorry for such a long post and not answering the original question but I thought it might help hearing from somebody who has been through this type of thing.If the OP or her husband want to get in touch for a chat just hit the PM button. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hakunamatata Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 So many people to reply to,thank you all, as far as the bike is concerned, forget it, I havent been on a bike since I fell off one on Cyprus, spat out three teeth and ripped off two or three finger nails!! Anyway what makes you think I can do any better on a bike with my eyesight!! Save the locals!. The children, well son lives in the village and is on call if need be, daughter is great but has a broken ankle and lives also in France at the moment but cant move far.Quillan your post was fantastic, I copied it and sent it to OH saying I had found it on my forum, he is with TF. He has been better today and not panics so far, so maybe an improvement, but I understand all you are saying and thank you for your information. Did you really do Scuba?Our daughter sent me a link today because we all like amateur drams and I think this link which made me cry and even made OH cry says it all. Somebody who seemingly has nothing to give gives so much it is a really tonic. Maybe its just me but how sobering is this and how amazinghttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZYOnce again thank you all, we will plod on. The docs letter on release from hospital yesterday, says, apart from what we already know about a weak heart, there is nothing wrong, so PLEASE sun come out and we will be ok.Our house, well, we bought this wooden cabin as I call it, on a superb plot, on the understanding that this "friendly English builder" would help us, knock the house down and build a really nice place. He left after doing us out of several thousand and now we cannot afford to build although we have a lovely position above the village, but the house is just a log cabin, not big enough and very very basic,. But that is another long and very boring story. We have to make the best of it because unless we win the Euro Millions we cannot possibly move. Its not all doom and gloom, I am enjoying the challenge of gardening in this part of the world, the village is lovely full of nice people and I suppose if we had the house we wanted everything would be wonderful(apart from the fact I cant buy Greek Yoghurt in France). See I still have my sense of humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ontheway Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 talk about half a story here, no wonder your husband is feeling as he does. i had thought that you were all alone in france, but that son of yours is imo a big part of this problem. he took your money and now is not doing "the right thing" especially as you sound stuck in france. is n't his french up to helping with discussing things with the medical people. all the best to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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