Right., Let's write a story for Christmas.................

[opas]

Then she had an inspirational thought " I'll whip up one of Clairs quick Christmas cakes".......

[Tresco]

 Miki, still listening keenly, pondered the situation.

His friend Dick had promised to bring a few bottles of Pride with him on this trip to France.

They'd planned to spend the evening supping at a modest rate, the entertainment to be the same as usual - quoting Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen Lyrics to each other, into the early hours.

As Dick murmured something (in what seemed to be Medieval English) about a  hang-over cure, a terrible thought now occurred to Miki.

He slammed down the phone, and left the house. Tina could cope with 36 guests for dinner on her own tonight.

Edit, but sensing a problem with continuity looming, he picked it up and re-dialled, just before leaving the house.....

[Cassis]

TO RECAP

The sausage spotted his chance to make good his escape while everyone else appeared to be otherwise occupied.  Edging over to the slumbering, smouldering shape of Dick where it lay in front of the fire, he raised the edge of the bucket and slipped underneath where he hoped to remain unnoticed.  In the darkness the only light came from the mobile phone display, which continued to emit squawking noises.

"Cor blimey, 'eres a right old Elliot Ness.  An' ere's me bein' charged 33 centimes the c o c k linnet.  The cheese and kisses ain't gonner like this Muswell Hill, and no mistake.  Oi! Oos there?" 

The sausage picked up the phone and spoke. "Miki?  Is that you?  Keep it down, I'm trying to hide here."

"Strike a light, is that you, me old c o c k sparrer?  Wotcher doin?  Put me ole china Dickers on the dog, will yer?  I had an after eight wiv 'im tonight but the geezer in the rubadub said he left arf an hour past." 

At that point a paw raised the edge of the bucket and a feline face grinned in delight AND WITH A DAB OF ITS CLAW SWITCHED OFF THE PHONE.

Miki, still listening keenly, pondered the situation.

His friend Dick had promised to bring a few bottles of Pride with him on this trip to France.

They'd planned to spend the evening supping at a modest rate, the

entertainment to be the same as usual - quoting Bob Dylan and Leonard

Cohen Lyrics to each other, into the early hours.

As Dick murmured something (in what seemed to be Medieval English)

about a  hang-over cure, a terrible thought now occurred to Miki.

He slammed down the phone, and left the house. Tina could cope with 36 guests for dinner on her own tonight.

[Bugsy]

Mmmmmmmmmmm, sausage, my absolute favourite snack, said the cat, especially warm and in a dark place. Slurp, slurp.....

[Cassis]

Thinking quickly, the sausage picked up the phone, whipped out the battery and jammed it into the cat's gaping jaws.  He dashed out from under the bucket but blinded by the sudden bright light he staggered into the hearth where he died a horrible and painful death on the reignited flames.  The cat snatched him from the embers and stuffed him in her mouth, but the hot sausage ignited the phone battery and blew the cat's head off.

[Bugsy]

sorry, this is not part of the story but,

Cassis-[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]

[Tresco]

Betty had been attending to the latest batch of Mince Pies in the kitchen.

Hearing the explosion she rushed into the salon.

'Good Grief', she thought - 'this soiree really isn't going the way I planned it. And what is all that shuffling around at the front door/totem pole?'

 

Cassis you're a class act[:D]

 

[Furry Knickers]

Betty discovered all the noise was coming from the big fairy woodcutter attempting to remove his pole from her entrance...

[YCCMB]

Meanwhile, some miles up the road, Miki was beginning to ponder the wisdom of his rash act. He appeared to be lost. In fact, there was no "appeared to be" about it. He was in the middle of not very much, and in the glow of the lights in the Place de Gaulle, he was aware of a number of pairs of eyes watching from the shadows, as he consulted the map for the umpteenth time. Wishing that Betty still lived within spitting distance of Kempton Park, where he would have been able to find his way blindfold, he decided to risk getting out of the warmth and safety of his car and making for the eyes, in the hope that they were attached to someone who knew the area and could give him directions to Betty's place. As he got out, he could hear, faintly, drifting across the night air, the sound of several voices, arguing in what was quite plainly the language of his birth.......

 

Edit: FK, I am full of the spirit of Christmas (and a spot of Amontillado) or I would take you to task over those nasturtiums you are casting over my good name and moral rectitude[:$]

[Furry Knickers]

It turned out to be Bert arguing with Harry, a local camel that was on his way to the pub, they got into a fracarse over weather giraffes smelled better than camels....

[Just Katie]

With that Dick opened one eye and mumbled.....

"Dystopia, I fell asleep in utopia and awoke in dystopia.....a vacuum of morality".

 

[Furry Knickers]

Then, the now completely hairless Dick, went for a jimmy, and he started sobbing when he caught sight of himself in the bathroom mirror "oh me career as a Dennis Rufus tribute act is over" he cried...

[Chris Head]

At that very moment Twinkle walked into the room, the sight of the hairless Dick sent her into guffaws of laughter which she was completely unable to suppress, even when the tetchy one himself pointed out to her that she was being rather offensive!

[Cassis]

In the square Miki sat listening to an old Alma Cogan record on his 8-track.  He wound down the window to better hear the voices.

One of the voices drifted over on the breeze Miki.  "Is everbody here?  Remember this is supposed to be a surprise for Betty".  The voice had a Welsh accent.

"I'm here." Replied a gruff voice.

"And me."  Piped another.

"And I sent Dick on ahead just to see if Betty was in." replied a third. " When he didn't

come back I sent the pink chopper, the singer, the sausage, the Wabbit, the Cat and

finally I sent the Fairy Godmother since the other lot had clearly got

lost or ballsed up as usual."

"Right, well let's the rest of us go on anyway." said the Welsh voice.  "Remember, stick

together.  I don't want anyone else going astray.  Nobody let on to

Miki, did they?  We don't want him coming along and spoiling

everything.  You know what he's like.  He'll be wanting to play Bob

Dylan and Lenny Cohen all night, and we don't want that, do we?"

The others all murmured their assent and formed up in a crocodile as

they headed into the forest.  Behind them, Miki started his engine and

set off in their wake.

[Furry Knickers]

All of a sudden, the crocodile stopped, and everyone got out..

[Cassis]

... their torches so that they could better see where they were going.  They then carried on walking.

[Furry Knickers]

they soon tired of walking, and decided to hop back into the crocodile to continue the journey listening to Desmond Decker on the in-crocodile entertainment system.

[YCCMB]

Miki was having trouble. He had switched off the car headlights so as to avoid drawing attention to his presence, and although he was fuming at the slight on his good character (not to mention being left out of a good old knees-up), he determined to remain calm and keep the spirit of the season of goodwill.  The voices were still drifting clearly toward him on the cold still air.

"This is surreal!" said someone. "Whose idea was the comedy croc?" asked another. "Oh, oh, the Israelites", sang a third, quietly, to himself.

[Furry Knickers]

the cat looked at the sausage as he was singing 'no woman no cry'  and said "aren't you supposed to be dead" the sausage said "someone really smart will offer an explanation as to how we are now riding round in a crocodile singing reggy songs"

[Pip]

The ignited battery had propelled both cat and her mouthful of hot dog into the air.  The ferosity and fright had caused cat to open her feline jaws wide and she let out an ear piercing screech.  Sausage flew out of her mouth like a cannonball and hit BFW's totem pole first, swiftly followed by cat.  The totem pole bent almost double with the impact and catapaulted the pair into the cold dark night.  They came to in the midst of a crocodile, their ears ringing with music.

[Furry Knickers]

Bert and Harry (the local camel) who were now throwing punches at each other due to their argument over smells, heard the music in the distance "do you hear that" said Bert "I can't hear anything" said the camel "listen with your eyes"  said Bert with tears welling in his bloodshot eye "Yes, I can hear it now" said the camel as he wiped the tears from Bert's eye with his dainty little hoof "yesterday is dead and gone, and tomorrow is out of sight, all i'm asking is your time, help me make it through the night" was being belted out by John Holte on the crowd of one liner's stereo. Bert looked lovingly at the camel and said "can I hug ya mate"  the camel was now sobbing uncontroleably as he lifted his 2 front legs and wrapped them around Bert "I love camel smells too"  Bert cried out to Harry, the crowd then pulled up and said "if yous fancy a drop of the owl black stuff down at the wrinkled pig, jump in and we'll take you there"  Bert said "shur there's no room in there for us, yous go on and we will walk behind yous" after a few yards the crowd pulled up and the sausage got out to see that Bert and the camel  were still embraced in each others arms and legs, the sausage lad shouted "COME ON, COME ON, HURRY UP HARRY CAMEL, WE'RE GOIN DOWN THE PUB"

[Tresco]

The blue rabbit woke up. It seemed she had entirely missed the tragic deaths, and miraculous resurrections that followed.

Leaving aside troublesome theological quandaries (i;e, it's the wrong time of year for that kind of thing), she peeped from behind the curtain. 

Was that a camel she saw, among the group now staring in bewilderment at the scene before them?

The BFW seemed to be spinning on tip toe at an incredibly high speed. Was it possible that he aimed to spin at such velocity, that he would penetrate through (and beyond) Bettys lovingly buffed flags?

The wabbit withdrew.

 

[Dick Smith]

The chimpanzee sat by the fireside contemplating the events of the past few hours and the dystopia he had found himself in. Summoning all of his transcendental consciousness and drawing on years of honed philosophical discourse he peeled a banana, thoughtfully chewed a mouthful and eloquently summed up his experiences. His voice penetrated the smoke and darkness with all the clarity and concision he could muster.

"Eeeeeeeek."

[TWINKLE]

The sound was deafening and Twinkle who was sitting by the dying embers of the fire in Bettys Ikea kitchen looking absolutely stunning -as usual - thought to herself  "God - why am I always the most beautiful girl in the room?"  She looked around her at the gang of desperate losers who she had come to love so much over the last 9 months and decided that yes, she WOULD  sing "Mecedes Benz" one more time for them.

As she leaped up onto Bettys Conforama sideboard she silently prayed that Just Katie wouldn't suddenly turn up batting her green eyes at the BFW and start singing out of tune along with her like she usually did whenever the gorgeous YOUNGEST fairy of the forum honoured her audience with a magical serenade.

[Furry Knickers]

As the gorgeous young fairy sang her little heart out, accompanied by the elder and fatter fairy on the Himalayan nose guitar, nobody noticed that the poor chimp had collapsed in a heap on the floor in front of the fire! it turns out the bananna he took a bite of, was contaminated with  Polonium-210! He "Eeeeeked" again in a much louder tone and started banging his foot off of Betty's china cats untill he knocked one over! it smashed to the floor and was immediately heard by the crowd "look, the chimp is after breaking one of Betty's china cats" cried out the big fairy woodcutter "what sort of chimp would do such a thing to a persons china cat collection" said the BFW "there is something wrong with him I think" said the blue rabbit "what ails you little simonite" said the blue rabbit, The fast thinking chimpanzee never let on about the Polonium riddled bananna, and said to the blue rabbit "shur me owl heart is after giving out on me"  the rabbit said "will someone call a vet" the monkey said in his last breath " I want to leave me collection of simulated leopard print leotards to Jay Jay, and me Dennis Rufus kaftan to the fattest member of the forum"  Twinkle said "bejazus that will be far too small for Katie" then in the chimps final breath, he said "shur Mrs Tresco can let it out for her, she is great with the sewing machine, have you not seen the simulated flock rabbits she can make" Twinkle said "can I have your Volvo, you won't be bringing any more banannas back from Asda in that now, will ya"  Then in his final breath, he said to the Twinkle one "I want the woodcutter to have the last bit of me bananna, if you make sure he eats that, you can have the Volvo" Twinkle shoved the remaining part of the bananna in the woodcutters gob and was delighted to finally get her dream car! Then all of a sudden the monkey let out a final small eeeek! The blue rabbit ran back to him, and in his final breath he said "can you please explain to furry knickers what dystopia means" with those words he passed away.