Home alone

[letrangere]

I know we've talked about women on their own in France, the problems of going out for a drink on our own and how every farm hand for miles probably assumes we're looking for company.  But may I ask a simple question, how many ladies actually feel comfortable alone on their own in the country?

I'm fine on the Metro late at night and will happily walk home along deserted Paris streets (at least in the better neighbourhoods) in the early hours.  But come nightfall in the country, I have the shutters closed and the kitchen door locked and would curl up and die if you suggested I walked 500m down the lane in the dark.

Any other ladies feel the same or I am simply a paranoid townie?

M

[zeb]

One of my clients is living alone in France and has been for some years. Recently she had a beautiful house rebuilt from a ruin using mainly French artisans, in fact she wanted the whole lot to be done by local French workers (she chose the firms with the best reputations locally). She has no problem living out in the sticks (she has a couple of French neighbours down the lane) and enjoys life very much, just gets on and does anything she wants to do without having to defer to a partner.

However, the attitude of the French artisans has been shocking. The job has taken twice as long as they first told her as they are off to do other jobs (I know, this is quite normal but they take no notice of her pleas), they nod and agree with her about proposed work and then do it their way, the plumber didn't even put pipes in for a loo in the bathroom or shower-room as he didn't think loos should be in bathrooms (although it was down on the devi). In fact the bath and shower rooms weren't finished until way after she had moved in. They geothermic heating people have just about done the work but haven't been to connect up...I could go on! She has given up phoning and pleading with people and now asks a male friend to phone for her, this seems to be the only way to get an artisan to appear and do some work! They are all very polite, nice friendly people when they are there, but it seems that they have difficulty working for a woman on her own (who speaks very good French I hasten to add). It has been so frustrating and she has lost so much confidence in herself and French workman. Other folks (couples) that I know and have used the same people have had no trouble at all!

Sorry, M, I know this isn't what you really meant, but it's another thing to consider if you are a lone female and moving to France.

[Lori]

My husband works overseas almost the entire year - each year, so I am here with my 11 year old daughter, pretty much alone.  I no longer hesitate to go anywhere on my own.  Nor do I hesitate to engage services on my own.  I have NO choice.  I was forced into it by the shear need to "get things done."  Also renovated a 260 m2 home on my own.  That, I would not do again.  However met some excellent artisans whom we still use.  Also met a couple of hoodlums too.

I would not feel too uncomfortable going to a cafe for a coffee or tea alone, but would feel a bit odd having an alcoholic drink alone as, to me, it is something you share with a friend over fun conversation.  When out on a day of running here and there, at lunch, I would not go to a sit down cafe to eat alone as I find it depressing, but have no problem getting a baguette sandwich and sitting on a bench to eat it.

Walk everywhere alone, including mountain hiking trails, with no worries.  I always have my cell phone.   I understand fully a woman feeling uncomfortable under certain circumstances.  I just had to get on with it and feel better having done so...

That's just me..

 

[Tresco]

I don't have any fears (of burglars, for instance) that come to the surface when i'm on my own. The entire dog population of the Charentes helps there . I don't feel lonely or anxious.

The only difference for me is that I don't cook, so I am left with supplies of fruit, sandwich making stuff and a big bag of Alpen. Everything else I do as normal.

Lori mentioned being alone much of the time. I was a single parent for many years (in England) and I did used to get scared sometimes then, as we had had phases of burglaries, but I was only anxious when my son was not in the house - a thing about having someone to protect I suppose.

If something happened to MOH I would pack up and scarper out of the countryside though. I'm a bit of a loner anyway, but not quite ready for hermit status

[Russethouse]

>>The only difference for me is that I don't cook, so I am left with supplies of fruit, sandwich making stuff and a big bag of Alpen.<<<

Is there a reason ?

Have you got a slow cooker, microwave etc ?

[Tresco]

 

Is there a reason ?

Have you got a slow cooker, microwave etc ?

Hi Gay

Yes I've got all those things. He used to prepare meals for the freezer, but I didn't eat them.

I used to cook, but I never took any pleasure in it - I did it for the boy. I remember reading 'Midnights Children' many years ago. There was a character who somehow transmitted misery through the food she made. That was nearly me. The food was OK but there was no joy.

About a week after my OH and I got together, it became clear that he was a fantastic cook, and loved cooking. Problem solved, and the boy was very very happy with the new arrangement. It is 15 years since I cooked a meal! I know that is wierd, but I make it up in other ways, and I do poke my nose in as far as planning the meal is concerned. then there is the phenomenally messy aftermath to deal with, as he doesn't like me tidying round him while he is cooking

I have no problem eating the food I have when he's away, in fact I really enjoy it. If he was seriously incapacitated i suppose I could cook for him, but it hasn't happened yet. Things were tricky when he broke his leg - careless sod kept falling over and dropping my dinner.

[Teamedup]

Whilst our neighbours were having the house built they rented in the next village along. Pleasant enough village. She told me that she never slept when she was there during the night. Everynight she would sit at the top of the stairs with their shot gun across her lap. That would be France 1982/1983.

She had two dogs at the time too. Nothing had ever happened, she said that she was just terrified when alone with her four children as her husband is in the Armee de l'Air and was away a lot.

I would not like being anywhere remote on my own, dog or no dog. I would be frightened. Our neighbours are not too far and I am happier with that. And I confess about three years ago I had several months of terror and could not sleep when my husband was on night shift. There was no reason to it either.

We could have many posts about 'woman' in France.

Sometimes when I am out I will have lunch in  resto on my own and rather enjoy it. It is rare as I am usually out with friends and we have lunch in a resto.

[Catalpa]

Can anyone that does find nightime alone in the countryside (or elsewhere) articulate exactly what it is that perturbs you? What do you think might happen to you alone that won't happen if you have someone with you or indeed, if you were a man?

Is this something to do with books / movies etc using women as victims? potential prey? Stereotyping, really, that has wormed its way into the subconscious?

I had a friend who used to dog-sit our home at the edge of a very small village in Wiltshire if we went away. She was a tough cookie... but who admitted to being thoroughly uncomfortable at night if she went outside the area of light thrown by the the house - whether she had a torch and a couple of dogs with her or not. She could never sensibly explain to us or herself what she thought was waiting for her... in the dark!

Maybe it's a residual primitive survival instinct that (some) women have and men don't!

[Teamedup]

When my terror started I had gone to sleep as per usual and suddenly woke up. Even with my eyes shut it felt like they were wide open. Even with the light on I still felt panic. I have no idea as to what triggered this. Some nights, although not all, I would literally stay up until dawn and then I could sleep. Or I would go to   bed and I would read until dawn.

There was no reason in my case for this. I knew that, I tried reasoning with myself, relaxation and nothing worked.

And one night it left me as it had started, just like that.  I started reading and slept.

And if anyone remembers we had a poster called Pucette, I wish she would post again. Well she lived in a remote house and her nearest neighbour had threatened to do awful things to her. I don't think I could have gone out at night or even slept at night under those circumstances.

[letrangere]

My goodness I was thinking of Pucette so often.  I've tried the positive thought approach.  I've tried reasoning for I'd like to think I'm a fairly intelligent person.  But I'm still convinced that not just one but every psychopath and rapist for a 100 km is lying in wait until they see the last light go off.  And that they know I'm there alone, as people do in the country.   People talk, you're watched.  So I never turn all the lights off.  Slept on the sofa downstairs fully dressed one night as I felt "safer" there.  Reasoned that if they were going to break in, at least I'd hear them, have a head start on making my escape.  When I did eventually find the courage to sleep upstairs, kept all the hall lights on and a small crow bar on the bedside table.  Envy TU's friend with her gun.  What I don't like is the idea of someone possibly breaking in and creeping around first, biding their time until they pounce.  (I really feel as though I'm in the psychiatrist's chair here!) 

Ultimately discovered the only way to sleep was to take one of my "fear of flying" pills on top of some wine.  A girlfriend who lived in the Niger Delta once told me that when hubbie was away she did this so that at least if someone did break in and attack her, she'd be completely out of it. 

I know that if it had been my own house I would have installed an alarm and also those heat sensitive outside lights that come on automatically, though they'd be a pain as they'd probably pick up nocturnal wild animals, certainly boar, which visit regularly.  I would also have a dog, possibly two.  I'm sure I would, in time, get used to it, possibly even grow to enjoy it.  I'm used to being on my own, travelled all over the world alone and certainly don't have a problem handling men.  I work in the Middle East and can't believe French artisans can be any more difficult to handle than Saudis!

But it's the quiet and almost claustrophobic darkness of the country that troubles me when I'm alone.  It's like being smothered in a heavy blanket.  As you can't see what's around you, you don't know what's there.  And it's that that really gets me.

M

[Ejc]

I have a job that requires me to travel quite allot on my own - you have to develop a thick skin and a good book on the go when you eat on your own. I'll also pop over to pour place in france on my own if I can get away and MOH is busy - but I quite like my own company and a bit of solitude is very relaxing when work is so hectic. I'm not sure if I'd like it permanently though...... would probably end up being very cranky and quite mad

[Ziggystardust]

Catalpa,

You asked what exactly it is that is perturbing, have you never watched MOST HAUNTED?????

Lou (Aveyron)

[Chrisb]

I live in the middle of the countryside, and am often here on my own with the children, as my husband is away during the week. Every night I take the dogs out for a walk along the roads in pitch darkness (I carry a torch, but hardly ever turn it on).............I love it, it is so still and peaceful, apart from the owls,frogs,foxes,planes etc, and the sky with all the stars is a joy to behold. I often find myself walking along with a big smile on my face!!

I am far less scared on my own here than I used to be in the UK when my husband was away. We were surrounded by houses, but I would never take the dogs out for a walk in the dark, and frequently used to wake up in exactly the same way as TU, imagining all sorts of depraved individuals creeping around the house!!

Mind you, having read this thread, I will probably go out tonight and be absolutely petrified!!

Regards

Chris

[letrangere]

Mind you, having read this thread, I will probably go out tonight and be absolutely petrified!!

I'm sure you won't be, Chris, because you fully understand there isn't anything to be afraid of and feel totally at peace in the country environment at night.  I so envy you 'cos I love it during the day and understand entirely where you're coming from when you describe the pleasure of walking out at night alone.  I'm sure it is magical, only wish I shared it.

But, oddly, I've found this thread extremely therapeutic and just airing my concern, writing down my fear, talking about it with women who are in the same position has really, really helped.  As I said to someone who kindly PMd me, I'm very keen to give it another go and pretty certain I'll handle it much better next time, perhaps even enjoy it!

If someone has any stats for crime against women in rural France that would be additionally interesting.  Now we really do need Pucette for she would have come up with them in a jiffy!

M

 

[Mistral]

If someone has any stats for crime against women in rural France that would be additionally interesting

This isn't as good as that but it gives an idea http://www.insee.fr/fr/ffc/chifcle_fiche.asp?ref_id=NATSOS05302&tab_id=443

I understand what you're saying about the silence and emptiness. I've always lived in middle sized towns and although I love holidaying in the countryside, I think I would miss the feeling that there are always other people within calling distance. Nothing to do with being a woman.

 

[Catalpa]

MJW said:

<< But I'm still convinced that not just one but every psychopath and rapist for a 100 km is lying in wait until they see the last light go off. >>

Is that the present day “label” for something without an easy (rational?) explanation: straight fear of the dark? Which I think someone else mentioned.

<< A girlfriend who lived in the Niger Delta once told me that when hubbie was away she did this so that at least if someone did break in and attack her, she'd be completely out of it. >>

That’s fascinating – and I don’t understand it at all. Deliberately rendering myself helpless is the absolute opposite of what I would find comforting.

Ziggy said:

<< You asked what exactly it is that is perturbing, have you never watched MOST HAUNTED????? >>

No, I haven’t. Is watching programs like that what influences reactions to the dark? Fear of the supernatural unknown? I think locked doors and shutters = concern about the natural unknown.

Is current day “fear of the dark” an ancient – and originally entirely sensible – instinct that whispers "large prowling animals are looking for prey just outside the light of the fire so be careful?" If so, this persisting instinct could apply just as much to men.

Or is it a conditioned reaction to crime news reports and documentaries? And also the number of women that are used as convenient victims in “thrillers”? And bad things tend to happen at night!

I suppose it’s both.

I’m like ChrisB – I’m happy out at night, the silence, the rustlings which says there’s wildlife about. And without the light pollution, a bright moon makes a torch unnecessary. Apart from 7 years in London, I’ve always lived in the country and never had streetlights to light me home at night therefore dark is normal.

Teamedup said:

<< Some nights, although not all, I would literally stay up until dawn and then I could sleep. Or I would go to bed and I would read until dawn. There was no reason in my case for this. I knew that, I tried reasoning with myself, relaxation and nothing worked. And one night it left me as it had started, just like that. I started reading and slept. >>

Instinct at work? Perhaps someone was regarding you with malevolent intent, and when they switched off you relaxed???

Scary thought. And I'm joking. I think?

[Teamedup]

6th sense or malevance?

Judging by what I found out later, I have often wondered if a 6th sense hadn't kicked in.

[Cat]

When I first moved to France I lived alone, and it didn't bother me in the least.

Although I live in a (very) small town, I have the open countryside just over the road.  It doesn't bother me me to walk, or cycle alone for hours down the local tracks and trails, in daylight. I wouldn't much like covering the same tracks at night much though, but if I had a dog with me I don't think it would be a problem.

I worry more that I might get accidentally shot by the local hunters!

Sleeping alone in the house never worried me at all, unless I had just watched a scary horror film, in which case I would be checking under the bed for monsters of course!  Big, loud thunderstorms at night scare me, but only because I worry that the chimney will get struck by lightening and fall through the roof!

What would worry me would be camping alone, I'd feel just too vunerable in a tent, but in a locked and shuttered house, no problem... well, usually not anyway.

I think what I'm trying to say is that there are sometimes some very real things to worry about, but that a lot of the things that we worry about are due to media hyping or plain superstition, and although the perception of risk may be high, the risk itself is minimal. It's just so much easier to magnify any fears when you're in your bed with nothing else to think about or distract you.  

If you really want to worry about something just look at the thousands of injuries in the UK caused by common household items and activities (Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents):

Flowerpots: On average 5,000 people a year in the UK end up in hospital because of accident with flowerpots making them more dangerous than equipment such as hedge trimmers.
Food containers: 67,000 people are injured every year trying to peel cellophane off sandwiches, opening a ready meal or opening a ring-pull can. Six out of ten of these, around 150 a day, stab themselves trying to open a jar or ready meal with a knife.
Fridge: Refrigerators injure more than 1,000 people a year.
Dishwasher: Besides all the scalding injuries, in 2003 a woman fell onto a protruding knife while removing the clean dishes and was killed
Cotton Swabs: Twice as many people are injured from cotton swabs as from razors, both normal and electric.
Bras: Two women were killed in London when a bolt of lightning hit the metal underwiring in their bras. A study in 1991 showed that women who never wore a bra had half the risk of breast cancer compared to those who did.
Socks: Around 10,700 people a year end up at the hospital through injuries caused predominantly while putting on their socks.
Chainsaws vs. Newspapers: Chainsaws are the cause of around 1,200 injuries a year but this pales when compared to the 4,300 injured by newspapers and magazines.
Boots: An average 5,600 hospital admissions each year.
Birdbaths: In one year 311 people went to hospital as a result of them.
Sponges: 966 people who ended up in hospital in one year from sponge injuries.

I think I'd prefer to stay in bed

[chicfille]

I too am often alone at night with the children while my husband works, but I've only started getting jumpy just recently, after our neighbours were the victims of an attempted break-in one night while they were all in the house. The evil people in question broke their shutter and smashed a window with an iron bar - not even waiting until they were asleep, this happened only a few minutes after the last light had gone off. Since then I've been far from relaxed when alone. As soon as it's dark and the children are asleep I'm on alert, listening from my bed for unusual noises, phone under the pillow. I do fall asleep eventually, but only when I'm so tired I can't stay awake any longer.

My greatest fear is precisely what happened to our neighbours, but worse, it happening when OH isn't in and with the evil ones entering the house and threatening (or worse, hurting) the children or me. There, I've said it!

*shudder*

[Teamedup]

Ah I was never afraid when the kids were little. I remember once thinking about what I would do to anyone who got in, certainly hurt them and I think I would have been so enraged I could have commited murder. My personal fears just were not there.

 

[Russethouse]

>>>Dishwasher: Besides all the scalding injuries, in 2003 a woman fell onto a protruding knife while removing the clean dishes and was killed<<<

My family all laugh at me but ever since then I place sharp knives point down, but I thought it was a teenage boy ? OMG Perhaps there were two incidents

We all have our little ways....

[Cat]

Good grief Gay, you were right, there were 2 incidents

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/2943930.stm

[Teamedup]

I always put my knives away from harms way, point down if draining. I always make sure that can lids are in squashed cans so that when I press the rubbish down that I don't cut my hand badly like a friend of mine did. I don't climb on chairs to get things as I know too many people who have badly hurt themselves when they fell off.

The banalities of everyday life can be very dangerous.

I have camped alone, on a campsite a couple of years ago and that didn't bother me at all. In fact it was great.

[letrangere]

The questions Catalpa raises are fascinating, numerous and not easy to answer.  She(?)'s right, of course, when she says it's basic primeval fear of the dark but be kind to us for genuine darkness isn't something all that many people encounter nowadays, even those living in the country in many parts of Britain. 

What I was trying to suggest was that many people tend to think of country life as being idylic and, critically, safe.  Yet there are important elements of country life - such as the total darkness in parts of France, and the night silence - that lead those of us not brought up in this environment to fear it. 

Living alone in Paris I loved going to sleep to the sound of cars rumbling over the cobble stone boulevard, it was so comforting.  And would leap out of bed almost with glee when the guys with the high powered hoses came around making more noise than is conceivably possible at 6 in the morning to blast the dog poo off the pavements. 

I guess it's all a matter of what we're used to.  I'm trying to get used to the countryside but it's proving more difficult than I imagined. 

M

[Patf]

Margaret - you're right about the complete darkness and silence of the countryside. I haven't often been on my own at night but when I am I'm glad to have our two dogs around as they are some protection. I always make sure the phone is next to the bed and a list of emergency numbers next to it. Also lock all outside doors, which we don't bother doing otherwise. It's also a good idea to leave a light on all night in the hall or landing. When we lived in Singapore if husband was away he insisted I had a shotgun under the bed loaded with a cartridge filled with rice. I don't know if I would have had the guts to use it, luckily didn't have to. Pat.