Wife-beating and no, this ain't no joke!

[KathyF]

It's very much a subject that should be discussed, as it happens in all social classes and sadly behind far more than a "few closed doors".  Among my own close friends and family are two women whose (now ex) husbands are professional men (a secondary-school teacher and a university lecturer) and both had to leave their marriages because of physical, verbal and emotional abuse.

[MrCanary]

And from today's Norfolk paper, the Eastern Daily Press... http://www.edp24.co.uk/content/edp24/news/story.aspx?brand=EDPOnline&category=News&tBrand=EDPOnline&tCategory=xDefault&itemid=NOED01%20Jan%202010%2017%3A32%3A36%3A907

[woolybanana]

It cannot be limited to wives either.

[KathyF]

It certainly isn't, Wooly, and abused men can have the additional problem of getting people to believe them when they say it's happening.

[MrCanary]

Spot on Kathy...

[5-element]

I remembered hearing recently that Spain has the dubious privilege of the highest European rate of domestic violence - but could not find figures to support the fac that it is in Spain that most women  fatalities occur.

Instead, I found this (which is perhaps out of date, but nevertheless interesting):

http://family.jrank.org/pages/1630/Spouse-Abuse.html

...a National Crime Victimization Survey in the United States (Bachman

1994) found that women were ten times more likely to be injured by

their male partners than vice versa. The National Violence Against

Women Survey (Tjaden and Thoennes 2001) found that 20.4 percent of

women, as opposed to only 7 percent of men, were physically assaulted

by their intimate partner at some point in their relationship; thus,

women were almost three times more likely to report being victimized by

their husband or boyfriend. This type of information supports the shift

from gender-neutral terms to terms such as violence toward women, woman abuse, wife abuse, or violence against wives (Gelles 1995).

Europe. Spouse abuse statistics for European countries are

difficult to find. This is unfortunate because the few studies

investigating this problem in Europe indicate that the rates of

domestic violence are comparable or higher than those found in North

America. The largest English survey of men's reports of assaulting

their intimate partners found the overall prevalence rate to be over 7

percent (Farrington 1994). A cross-sectional survey of women in Ireland

found that 39 percent of women who had ever been in a relationship had

in fact experienced spouse abuse (Bradley et al. 2002).

Eastern Turkey has perhaps the highest reported

prevalence rates in all of Europe; in East and Southeast Anatolia,

Turkey, the lifetime prevalence rate of spouse abuse is estimated to be

an astonishing 57.9 percent (World Health Organization 2002).

[mint]

All I can add is, I'd been home for about 10 minutes after a couple of days walking with Gemonimo and my neighbour was in my house.

She said her phone wasn't working so I rang her number and put her on the phone.  I presumed it was her husband who answered but, certainly, he spoke to her for 10 seconds after which she said he'd finished!

There you go, a lot of communication certainly, between her and me but not between her and her husband![:(]

[Dog]

Sweet you will be glad to know that the French parliament are just about to pass a bill to protect women from verbal and  physchological spousal abuse - it was on R4 tonight. I promise not to beat my wife - except at scrabble.

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8440199.stm

[PatHCA]

Sadly domestic violence in all its forms is still a major problem in the UK not just France ,despite there being more measures in place than ever before .Violence against males is far more common than people realise most men will not hit a woman even if that woman is kicking seven bells out of him.Because of the macho male image a man often feels he can not ask for help and admit whats going on

[mint]

I keep returning to this topic even though I was going to leave it well alone as I don't like a lot of controversy surrounding things I say on the Forum.

It's been such a shocking wake-up call for me and like a scab that I can't stop picking.

I've been talking to OH about it and I put it to him that if a case like madame la voisine's were to take place in the small South Wales town we were living in, would people have known?

Undoubtedly, he says.  Not only that, the man wouldn't be able to go to a pub without being challenged.  Then, even if he didn't show his face outside his own home, a group of men would have paid him a visit and told him in no uncertain terms to lay off his wife.

So, you see, it's just not that the abuse takes place; it's that either people turn a blind eye or they don't even notice![:'(]  That, I think, saddens me quite as much as the actual beating.

[Clair]

[quote user="sweet 17"]... it's just not that the abuse takes place; it's that either people turn a blind eye or they don't even notice![/quote]

Sweet, it's not all as clear-cut as this.

If he is a man with a temper, it is most probable that he is known to be as such and almost certainly suspected of being violent towards her.

Even if others suspect he is violent towards his wife, most people will take the view that if she does not complain or talk about it, it is none of their business and they will not get involved.

Some who would want to offer help might believe she would be embarrassed at being seen as a victim of domestic violence and will not mention anything until she does.

[mint]

And, if she has been subject to so much bullying over so many years, that she has lost the will, the nerve, whatever, to complain, Clair?

[Clair]

I dare say that most people will not get involved because they won't think it's any of their business.

It takes a certain character to approach anyone to discuss their personal life. You can hint and offer help, but if the person does not respond to your offers of help or moral support, what do you do then?

[mint]

That was only a sort of despairing question of last resort, Clair.  I don't, for one minute, think that there is an answer![:(]

[Clair]

I know what you're saying, Sweet.

This is a situation I know well from my childhood and I have felt every single bit of emotion you're feeling now about your neighbour.

[PatHCA]

Two situations that frequently occur come to mind .A woman will call the police during an incident of domestic violence yes she wants her assailent arresting, yes she will bring charges, then the next morning shes on the phone she loves him, its her fault ,he can't help it etc.Or she calls the police ,when they arrive shes changed her mind,he starts fighting the police ,they go in to arrest him and the woman turns on the officers.Sadly to deal with domestic violence we don't just have to change male attitudes .

[Weedon]

This may be of interest. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8440199.stm

Beats me (no pun intended) how this would be enforced though.

[MrCanary]

Pat HCA - you are quite right...

But where men often go wrong is if they believe they are losing an argument, temper takes over and they hit out and that is usually when the police get called in...

[Boiling a frog]

Having a gread deal of experience in dealing with domestic violence, indeed was instrumental in the setting up of the first domestic violence unit within the Scottish Police forces can I just clear up some myths.

Domestic violence exists behind closed doors, and is common place . It is believed that one in five people in a relationship, or former relationship will be subjected to domestic violence . So it is pretty common.

All sections of society are represented, all classes, all professions, both men and women , altho it appears that about 75% of victims are women, 25% men.

The myth that the men would go round and sort out the perpetrator is just that, a myth.

Women do not talk about it, because they are frightened, because they hope it will stop, because they have nowhere else to go , because they think nothing will be done among many reasons.

It is more likely that the working class will report domestic violence than the middle classes, perhaps because they do not have a social status to lose.

The same applies with men who suffer domestic abuse, with the added problem of being ridiculed if it comes out.

Domestic violence is all around us , in fact I would not find it surprising if some members on this forum suffer from domestic violence.

There is a whole raft of legislation to deal with it but the victim needs to take the first step.

But to accuse /suggest that someone is suffering domestic violence based on rumour and innuendo is equally as bad.  

[MrCanary]

"But to accuse /suggest that someone is suffering domestic violence based on rumour and innuendo is equally as bad..."

I agree BaF, to accuse and/or openly and publicly comment based on hearsay can often cause a greater problem than one that may not exist. However, it does no harm to suspect and discreetly observe in case there is a victim who may need help.

[mint]

Mel, it would be impossible to put it better.  Of course, I am neither stupid nor crass enough "to accuse or indeed to openly and publicly comment" merely on hearsay and rumour.

On the other hand, whilst I "suspect" and have information from more than one source, I do use my eyes and ears and draw inferences.

However, I have to agree with Claire:  even if there is a real-life, genuine victim, chances are there is very little to be done, unfortunately.

 

[MrCanary]

Sadly, that is right Sweet, but don't stop that discreet monitoring because one day the 'victim' may come to you and 'tis good to be prepared!

[cooperlola]

I have known (well, as opposed to just via hearsay), in my life, two women who were subject to regular beatings in their relationships.  There may be nothing you can do to stop the beatings but you can help your neighbour.  Women in this situation lose self esteem first, and you can help there.  Just be a good friend to your neighbour, show her that you care, give her a hug, try to help her feel good about herself, as Pads says above. 

One of my friends was lucky enough to have lots of support from a group of friends at work and eventually, we persuaded her to dump the unmitigated bar steward who thought knocking her about was acceptable.  She went on to find a real man to marry, not the cowardly (rich and inteligent, btw) little worm she had been in love with before, so her story had a happy ending.  But looking back, I reckon she would have stayed with him if we hadn't all been around to support her.  We didn't come at this via him (nobody went to "sort him out or anything similar) we just showed her we cared and would be there for her if she needed us.  She was, of course, a good deal younger than your neighbour and not married to this stinker, but even so I think she would have gone ahead and married him without support and this an intelligent professional woman, now a lawyer.

At the very least you can give the woman a few moments happiness from time to time by being a mate, even if you can do nothing about the t*ss*r she married.

Grrr, this subject makes me so mad....