swissbarry: Things that go squeak in the night

[Swissbarry]

It seems that every British person I meet in France is in the process of renovating a house.  The men all talk knowingly about unfathomable subjects like zinc guttering and cladding and vermiculite shrouds, and even their partners often seem to be amazingly practical and resourceful.   I swear one lady I know is knitting a bungalow!

Well, I may as well come clean. I am not Handy.  I am not Practical.  I cannot Do It Myself.  To misquote a war-time saying, give me the job and I’ll finish the tools.

I estimate, for example, that it is going to take me 112 years to learn how to light a wood fire.  There are, you see, all sorts of different logs - oak, acacia, chestnut, pine, sycamore, etc. - and they all have different characteristics. Some spit, some smoulder, some just lie there and laugh at you in French, some burn furiously, and some are best left for lining blast furnaces or acting as Middlesbrough midfielders. It doesn't help when you can't tell your acacia from your elder. And then the damn logs come in different lengths and diameters, and different sized logs should be placed on different parts of the fire. Oh yes, and if any of the wood is damp you're completely lost, but you can't tell if it's damp inside until you try to burn it.

French people are, I'm sure, born with all this knowledge.  Many have it in their genes, and others have probably studied the niceties of log fire lighting at the Sorbonne.  I’ve watched them light their own fires, and it’s almost spontaneous combustion.  But for an impractical useless ex-pat like me it's just too much, especially when my wife shouts “Stop throwing so much wood on the fire; it doesn’t grow on trees, you know”. So I finish up hurling the tongs across the room and drinking whisky (I think I was born with the knowledge of how to drink whisky).

And as if lighting fires wasn’t hard enough, there are forever new problems which emerge to challenge my practical abilities.  Mice, for example.  We haven't actually seen the mice, so we can't be sure what they are like or how many there are. All we've seen is what look suspiciously like mice droppings on the bathroom floor. They must be mice droppings, because no human beings can do poos that small (I know, I've tried). So I went out and bought two sorts of mouse killer. One sort - cleverly called Souricide (souris is French for mouse) - comes in the form of teabags which contain cyanide instead of tea. The other sort takes the form of bars of what looks like soap but is really a deadly poison which will kill anything that moves. So I put these things on the floor before going to bed and guess what?

The next morning, they'd vanished. No, not the mice - the cyanide teabags and the bars of poison!

Now this is a bit worrying, because it means that either there is a whole army of mice who somehow managed between them to nudge poisonous teabags and large bars of “soap” back to their nest, which seems unlikely. Or else - and this is the scary bit - there is one huge mouse with jaws big enough to accommodate bars of soap and teabags. What's more, this supermouse, or rat, or puma, or whatever it is, obviously thrives on cyanide!  Mind you, we’re a bit more optimistic now because at least the mouse / rat / elephant droppings have turned yellow. I may not have killed it, but at least I’ve upset its digestion!

Better stop now: the fire's threatening to go out. No doubt the Pyrenean mountain ash log I added should have been 4 cm. thicker and I should have placed it at the back of the fire instead of the front.

I wonder if mice burn?

[Battypuss]

The one that fell down the chimney onto our smouldering fire sure did! Wonder how many mice one gets to a stere?

[Suninfrance]

swissbarry - ever thought of writing a book with all your "lighter side" stories - all have had me in stitches so far.

Jan

[Le Scouse]

Dear Mr Swissbarry,

You really should compile your stories. You write very well with just the right blend of observation, humour and wit.

You do of course need to put a warning at the beginning of each post as each one so far has made me spill hot drinks on my lap, which has just happened again with this post..

I can only hope that when I finally get to book that one way crossing to France, and can find time to spend more time posting in these forums, my posts will be half as funny as yours

A fan

[Swissbarry]

[quote]Dear Mr Swissbarry, You really should compile your stories. You write very well with just the right blend of observation, humour and wit. You do of course need to put a warning at the beginning of ...[/quote]

Thank you for those kind words.  2 responses out of over 170 viewings does make one wonder if it's worth the bother. 

I did actually try to get my articles compiled and published once, but the publishers to whom I wrote didn't bother to reply.  And about three months ago I wrote to a magazine, enclosing some sample articles, to ask if they might care to publish them, but never even got the courtesy of a reply. 

And the name of the magazine?  Well, it was Living France, actually!

So faced with those sorts of rebuffs, I can't get enthusiastic about further attempts. 

By the way, my daughter lives in Liverpool; I take it from your nom de plume (note the French, eh?) that you're from there too?  But her partner supports Everton.

Regards, and thanks again for the encouragement.

 

swiss

[GRT17]

This has to be one of your best pieces, I saved it for ages after it appeared last time! isn't there a sequel?

Gill

p.s. I would keep trying with the publications, if at first you don't succeed .........etc."

[GRT17]

oops! have just re-read the original post, I think this is the sequel and the first part was about the mice, anyway both very good.

Gill

[a.foreman]

Swissbarry you made me smile 

Come on Living France likes have some humour like this in the mag

[benson]

''Thank you for those kind words.  2 responses out of over 170 viewings does make one wonder if it's worth the bother.''

Come on !! you had LOADS of very happy reader replies when you posted your stories last time round!!

''I did actually try to get my articles compiled and published once, but the publishers to whom I wrote didn't bother to reply.''

couldn't you DIY ( the book i mean!) Im sure you'd have loads of buyers well 1 at least thats me!!!!!!!

 

[Suninfrance]

 Im sure you'd have loads of buyers well 1 at least thats me!!!!!!!

Make that 2 - I'd buy it, in fact I'd probably buy one for my mum and brother as well for Xmas presents.

Jan

[bryansmith]

Hi swissbarry

this is the third posting of yours which I have read and each one makes me smile, then chuckle then laugh out loud.

Do not be put off by rejections please keep on posting on the forum and sending your articles to editors. Smeone out there must appreciate genuine wit and humour

Best wishes

[Hosemaster]

Hi Swissbarry

Please dont stop writing your hilarious memoirs they have my wife and I in stiches and really brighten up the forum.

By the way I also put down sourcide in a lid off a jam pot. Not only did the sourcide disappear but so did the stell jam pot lid which must have been heavier than the mouse!"!!! ( I hope it was!!) Either sourcide desolves everything it touches or there are some very strong mice in France!!

 Keep up the great stories

 

Phil

[Suninfrance]

I have known mice to shift rock !!

We had a cobbled floor in what will eventually be our lounge.  Sitting having dinner one night I spotted a little head pop up from the cobbles, have a swift look around, then disappear into the floor again.  A few seconds later, up it popped again.  This went on for about half an hour before he scuttled out the front door. 

That night before going to bed, I decided to block his access back to his underground home by placing a reasonable sized rock (OK - pebble) over the hole. 

Next morning when I came down the said pebble was over by the wall.  I asked OH if he'd moved it, but he hadn't. 

So mice in France have muscles.

Got over the "aren't they cute" phase within weeks.  Went to the local Co-op Agricole and purchased a "little nipper" mouse trap (made in Buckingham - about half an hour from where we used to live in England).  Dutifully put peanut butter in the trap (mice are rather partial to crunchy peanut butter), and set it before going to bed.  Within seconds of going to bed, four nights on the trot - snap! 

OH decided this would not do as I would not come downstairs first in the mornings as couldn't face any dead bodies on the floor. 

Then we did the souricide in the jam jar lid.  Nothing.  For a week, nothing.  Then one morning, the jam jar lid was empty.  Thought we'd cracked the problem until we heard rustling in a carrier bag in the understairs cupboard.  OH grabbed the carrier bag and found the remains of chewed up bits of paper, etc.  The little b*****s had started to make a nest.  So more souricide in jam jar lid later - we thought we were now free of the little furry blighters.

Not so - while digging up the cobbles in the lounge last week, OH plunged the fork in the soil underneath and a mouse launched itself out of the soil and out of the door.

French mice not only have muscles - they fly as well.

I don't expect we'll ever be rid of them.  Ce la vie!

Whilst photographing some birds squabbling on the bird feeder, I caught a glimpse of something brown and furry underneath the it.  Yes - you guessed.

[Loopy Lou]

Cats, that's the answer.  Several cats!

[Pierre ZFP]

So M. Swissbarry, missing tea bags and soap?  So did your morning cuppa taste different?  was something different in the shower?  Perhaps Madame Swissbarry is trying to tell you something .........

[Deby]

You should be given the Le Dernier Mot spot in the Living France magazine.  I am sure it would keep their readership levels up - as your posts are a good reason to buy the mag - that is what is missing from the magazine is a little bit of humour and it would certainly be of relevance to those who know an awful lot about France and probably find most of the ariticles of buying a place now redundant and hence do not renew their subscription!

Are you listenning LF Editor?

Deby (17 Charente Maritime)