Battered Wives in France

[Maryd1900]

This is not the most pleasant of subjects with which to

begin 2007 but then it is never a particularly savoury topic.

A friend of mine who has been married for 2 years and who

lives in France is suffering the most wretched abuse from her husband.  She regularly sports black eyes and is often

incommunicado for long periods.

She is on her second marriage and confides in me that she

feels this marriage MUST work out.  Her

husband is an odious little chap whom the entire community dislikes.  Her parents and grown up children completely

ostracise him and everyone knows what is going on.  Everyone but she can see this is going to get worse.

Does anyone know of any expat support group this poor woman

can go to?  She is very proud and is

terrified of upsetting her husband.  He

is a retired ex-military and both of them have the illusion that he is

respected in the community.

The irony is that she owns the house, the car etc and could

kick him out in a second if only she had the support to show her this.  I dare not say a word as I fear she would

stop talking to me and close the only route out she has at the moment.

I am terrified that one night he will seriously hurt

her.  I have seen him drag her from a

party by the hair and heard much worse.

If there is a support group or even if you have an idea how

I can help my friend please contact me privately or on my email.

Thanks

[Dick Smith]

Saligo Bay had some information on this, I believe. She doesn't seem to be posting at the moment, but someone else may remember where the posts are.

[JayJay]

I've pm'ed you Mary.

Edit: Just thought, it might help if you mention which department you're in.

[Quillan]

If anyone finds the posts or has any links can they post them in this thread so I can copy them in to the FAQ section, this could be very important information for people in the future.

[Russethouse]

I think Twinkle may know something about it, but I'm not sure if its specifically for ex pats, she posted that she had done a concert in aid of an association for victims of domestic violence.

[JayJay]

Here's the thread where Sal B posted the link to SOS Femmes.

http://www.completefrance.com/cs/forums/642994/ShowPost.aspx

[memyselfi]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend it must be very difficult for you, I have a friend who went through a similar ordeal and eventually she left him, thankfully! These men should be strung up [:@] There is a bit of info here and some links to other places that may be of use but her best bet is to make a complaint to the gendarmes if she's willing to do so and then see an avocat.

[TWINKLE]

Sorry only just logged back on.  I've replied to your e-mail Gay.

[Llwyncelyn]

Hi I have pm'd you as well.  Some of those on this forum will know of my relationship with the law and before I came here to France I worked with the Home Office and Avon and Somerset Police on exactly this sort of thing and we set up forums in the community and every A & E department had private rooms with freephones for this sort of thing and so that the lady could be encouraged to ring the forums.

Biggest problem is the public 'shame' felt by those so abused?  I really questioned this but it is a fact that is what happens.  Behind closed curtains that sort of thing.

I was told at the time (but it was of course by a Blair Department) that most of the beatings take place in 'the middle classes' and indeed that there was an increase in the beatings from female to male?

We truly encouraged the ladies involved worked hard for over three years money was not an object.  However it did not truly take-off and despite press TV and lots of other exposures.

It boils down in my experience to two things those who dish out the punishment to be reminded in a number of ways and I mean in a number of ways the downside to what is happening and the lady to be encouraged to face four square the problem for surely 'to make this marriage work' is not the basis for any decision on the basis that one never knows what is coming around the corner.

It is I am told also the case that one's character is formed at a very early age and that is the way that you will develope (The Jesuits have a phrase for it?)  Again ex-military suggests a strict and regimented way of life.  One perhaps should not wash one's dirty linen in public but this is my personal experience.

When I was first married (only later to be divorced) my late father-in-law was a miner but served 22 years with the Coldstream Guards and was a Colour Sgt.  He stood 6.7" without his bearskin (not busbie) he reminded me.

I then began to hear stories about him being violent throwing his dinner over the walls for today he wanted lamb and his wife did not have the money so it was not lamb.  It then became worse and the treatment moved towards the children and of which my wife was one.

He was a thug and a bully and we all know what to do to those sorts of people.  Long and short of it was that his son and I faced him down publically exposed him for what he was doing.  It did not happen again.

Someone needs to get to grips with this problem and if you need anything or you think I can help then please pm me.

My history teacher also told me that history is littered with people of limited stature but with big egos and big mouths such as the Italian dictator and of course Hitler.  Just a comment but you look around you read the books and you will be suprised.

[Quillan]

Thanks for finding the link, I have posted it in the FAQ area. Does anyone have one for men as this is only for women or perhaps there is one for both?

[Lori]

This is a really tough problem.  I posted a similar question a while back relating to my best friend here.  She has since moved into her own apartment with her son (13 years) and is trying to get her life together.  SB posted on that thread.

In the end, my best friends closest allies - the Gendarmes !  She was lucky enough to have lived in her village (married to "the" abuser) for 18 years and there is a local Gendarmerie located there.  All the years were not horrible, only the last 7 or so.  She knew / knows everyone in the village and most everyone knew the problem.  The Gendarmes were called to her house so many times, they knew her and would stop her on the street to find out how she was doing.  THEY told her what reports to file with them and exactly what impact she could expect those complaints to have.  She had a couple of options and the Gendarmes helped her understand how they would impact HER and her son.  The local doctor helped too. 

If the woman is not ready to formally seek help, there is little to be done.  My friend suffered for years.  I begged her to leave, but she was loyal to him and "the family unit" until he started beating on her and threatening to kill her and their son.  Once she left, she was able to apply for several aid packages - her income is low.  Now, she has a new life and the smile on her face is the sweetest sight.

Not sure if any of that helps the OP.

 

[Maryd1900]

Thanks Llwy....  and thanks to all your replies... I shall read them all and go to all the links you have kindly provided.  Funny you should suggest 'short in staure'... He is only very little and as I say.... basically a joke to all who know him but his wife.  To her he is a physical, economic, social and emotional bully.

As for telling the department; I cannot.  It would be very easy to identify this chap if I told you the department and you lived here.   I would love to expose him but it is not my right to do so, it is her's and I must continue to respect her wishes fpor fear she will stop confiding in me and then have no one to turn to when she finally does find the courage so to do.

Of course there is nothing to stop you guessing his name (and keeping it to yourself).  I know for a fact that several people I know use this site and they will know the 'gentleman' of whom I write.

M

[cooperlola]

Your poor friend, I feel terrible for her.  You may find this site useful

http://www.agena.org/

She's got you, and she's able to confide in you.  Women friends are so important at times like these.

[Tony F Dordogne]

There is a group of British women in 24 working with ex-pat and some French women who are in abusive relationships, email me and I can give you details if the location is of any use to you or your friend.

Also, our local gendarmerie is headed by a woman and they have posters in their office about cracking down on domestic violence - would like to see some little squirt taking her on, not only would her handshake break walnuts, SHE carries a gun!  This is part of a wider campaign in France against domestic violence one of my gendarme contacts has national/regional/local numbers for emergencies concerning domestic violence.

This sort of thing really presses my button - as a man and ex-cop, it always really infuriated me that the old attitude in the police was that a 'domestic' wasn't of any importance because of course 'she' would just not give evidence against him. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ...

In the UK, one woman is killed every day by a person with whom she has a domestic relationship and I understand the numbers in France are higher.  If your friend wont do anything to help herself, somebody else must step in to protect her LIFE and those of the children - don't be coy about this, if he kills her, you'll never be able to live with yourself for not being more pro-active and if the rest of the village know this guy is such a bastard, they will back you.

[Wendy]

Maryd, I pity this poor woman and she is obviously too scared to help herself. You say most people, including the local men, know about her situation? well, where I come from the local guys would get together and pay him a little visit - just five minutes - and give him a taste of his own medicine. Just enough to hurt and give him a fright of his life.  Bullies need to meet their own match, this is why they pick on women. Men i know would not let another man get away with this. This woman is suffering in silence and she needn't if some would stand up for her.

[Beryl]

Unfortunately until this lady can become empowered again, I don't see anything changing. The police may act on a complaint made by her or a witness but as I have seen so many time before, she will undoubtedly take him back and make excuses for his behaviour and make it harder for people to detect the truth.

I do not think she will leave him yet, so she urgently needs to speak to a support group and try and regain her self esteem. If the OP can arrange a rendezvous with a member of a support group , even if she has to tell a white lie to get her there, I think this would be the best way forward. 

It's a risk as you may temporarily or permanently lose a friend but at least you will have tried to do something practical.

 

[cooperlola]

I agree wholeheartedly with Beryl.  Engaging a group of "heavies" to intervene so often ends up with the victim being blamed and worse happening.   My link above should lead you to your local group, OP.

[Pussfilledboil]

Post deleted by moderator as it breached the code of conduct:

 

[RumziGal]

Here's a link to SOS Femmes, I think it's as good a place as any for anyone who needs to know about this subject:

http://www.sosfemmes.com/violences/violences_voisine_victime.htm