Stupid things people say..........

[Onion van man]

Just thought I would put some of the stupid things I have heard people say, Hope it makes some of you laugh !

1 - I cannot register my British car in Spain because it has some pattern parts fitted.

2 - My car is a lemon and could never be fixed (was said about a 3 year old polo with a misfire)

3 - When I moved to Spain I didn't know what the Spanish word for Gas was !

4 - The hardest thing is answering the phone because although I can speak the language, 80% of any language is body language!

Well, they are the ones that spring to mind, Number 4 is my favorite! And my reply was to ask how anyone communicates on the phone if that was the case.

[Chief]

Tryb these from a well known airline:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, (Name of airline removed) pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by (Name of airline removed) ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, (Name of airline removed) is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

.............

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

...

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

...

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

...

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

...

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

...

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

...

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

...

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

...

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

...

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

...

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

...

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

...

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

...

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

...

...

And the best one for last..................

...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Jonzjob]

That brings to mind an old R.A.F. expression...

Birds and fools fly for a living and birds don't fly at night!!!

OK I know that generalisations are allways wrong [8-)]?

[Bones]

Being terrified of flying I found the list both hilarious and, well, terrifying!

[+o(]

[Onion van man]

[quote user="Bones"]Being terrified of flying I found the list both hilarious and, well, terrifying!

[+o(]

[/quote]

Joking aside, Planes are no different to trains,buses,lorries etc. They are serviced and repaired to a budget and a time scale. Most have faults that never get repaired properly if at all.

It all comes down to money and time etc.

[londoneye]

Returning to the car theme.   From my local garage here, after they had incorrectly wired up my new trailer lights.

'sorry about that, problem is that its a British Peugeot you see' ............. 

not really.

I do still have moments when I ponder this pearl of wisdom and wonder if it is I who have missed something here.   If so, no doubt someone will enlighten me !

[cooperlola]

A friend's wife (I am embarassed to admit that it was a woman) took her 16v Golf in to her local garage.  After it had been "repaired," and she had been presented with a large bill, she asked what had been wrong with it.  "It was a problem with the carburetor, Madam," was the reply.  She paid up and walked away, satisfied.[:-))]

[Pierre ZFP]

Funny you should mention a 16v Golf.  I had a boss who got one of these as a company car. After a week or so I asked him what he thought of it.   'Yeah its fine but it has a really wierd battery though, sixteen volts apparently'

DOH!!!

[Jonzjob]

Well Coops, it may well have been the carb? If the bill was that big he may have fitted one [Www]?

And Pierre all your exboss need was 4 extra cells to bring it up to 16 volts, all of them padded peut etra? Even brain cells and increase his intel (inside) quoter by a factor of 5???

[Onion van man]

Just thought of another one someone said to me........ "I checked my cars oil (BL Mini) and it was really low, I filled it up and now its very slow.  It took 4.5 Gallons of oil to fill it up. Oh, and it has an oil leak now too"  [:D]

[Onion van man]

I have just bought a car for a very good price and it only needs some new big ends.

My heater hose burst yesterday when I was in Brighton (60miles away) but, I had to get home before I could fix it. What do you mean my engines knackered now?

[Jonzjob]

[quote user="Onion van man"][quote user="Bones"]Being terrified of flying I found the list both hilarious and, well, terrifying!
[+o(]
[/quote]

Joking aside, Planes are no different to trains,buses,lorries etc. They are serviced and repaired to a budget and a time scale. Most have faults that never get repaired properly if at all.
It all comes down to money and time etc.
[/quote]

Things must have changed since I was an R.A.F. aircraft electrician on Comet 2s, 4Cs, Britannias, Belfasts and VC10s then. If a repair was not 100% correct then it was 100% wrong and as a senior NCO I had to oversign all the work of my blokes and they got it 100% right or did it again! Simple really! You can't stop and aircraft in mid flight to do a repair like you can with a train, bus, lorry, etc. There is a very strict checking system in the U.K. and Europe and woe betide anyone that gets it wrong. In the USA too.

When you do a repair on an aircraft you sign a form to say what you have done and you are criminally liable if it is not correct and something goes wrong...

That list was around in the 60s/70s and it still brings a smile to my face..

[Onion van man]

I have no doubt that the RAF maintain their aircraft to a very high standard but, I'm not so sure on domestic passenger aircraft. Japan Airlines flight 123 springs to mind as well as others where incorrect or bodged repairs have caused many deaths.

[Ford Anglia]

A student friend, to me, bemoaning the demise of his Hillman Imp: "the oil light came on when I was on the motorway, so I drove at top speed to the next services.......but it never made it".

[londoneye]

When I first started driving, I unfortunately (or fortunately depending on POV) worked in a palce with a large transport section, full of burly rough and ready lorry drivers (not saying they all are, but these were).     Having stopped for petrol on way to work, I was mesmerised by the red light on the dash board all the way to work, convinced it was going to break down; it was dark, it was early, major panic.

When  got to work I rushed in to find one of said drivers and explained what a horrible journey, red light etc, going into great detail about how 'sluggish and slow' the car had been also.      I asked him to have a look for me so I could find out whether I would be able to drive it home OK.   Fatal ..... was it this red light he said ?   Yes, thats it, is it dangerous ?      No, he said, but it's really better if you take the hand-brake off when you drive to work.    Needless to say 8 years later at same company some of the more witty drivers still used to pass me on the main road, yelling out of window, 'got your handbrake on love'????      So funny (not !!)

[oakbri]

With regard to the remarks about air travel, as this is my field of employment I hope I can put all of your minds at rest.

Things have NOT changed. Aircraft are still very well maintained by highly trained people. The quote about needing a degree to fly one but only a high school diploma to fix one is not true. I hold both an aircraft maintenance licence and a commercial pilot licence and I can tell you the maintenance licence is far far harder to pass. With enough money you can go from zero experience to holding a commercial pilot licence in little over a year, to hold a maintenance licence you must have 5 years supervised experience before you can even apply to sit the exams to hold the licence.

You will find that whilst the occassional accident is caused by poor maintenance this is usually in poorer countries and the percentage is uncomparable to the amount of crashes due to pilot error. As aircraft becomemore advanced they are taking away a lot of the responsibility of the pilot and this should improve safety.

 

[Pierre ZFP]

Glad to hear it and to know that it is one area where low-cost airlines can't cut back, though I'm sure it gobbles up a fair bit of dosh!

OK, back to the thread - OH was going to town (UK) and asked if I needed anything,

'yeah, can you get a 3-pin plug with a 5 amp fuse please?'

 (it was for a lamp when such things didn't have a plug attached as standard)  Sometime later she returns with said plug.

 'But this has a 13 amp fuse !!  ' 

 'Yes, and it was the same price as the 5 amp and you get so many more amps for your money!'

[cooperlola]

As a friend helped herself to yet another piece of fruit from the bowl : "Apples don't grow on trees you know!" said her husband angrily.

[allanb]

Conversation in car, going slowly up steep hill in fifth gear with engine struggling badly -

Front-seat passenger (pointing at rev counter): "I've got one of those in my car, too.  I don't know what it does."

Driver: "It's a warning thing.  If the needle reaches the red line, there's something wrong and you need to take it to a garage quickly."

This really did take place; I was a passenger in the back seat.

Both of the speakers were women.  I mention this just as a historical fact; it does not imply prejudice against any person or persons on grounds of gender.

[Jonzjob]

[quote user="cooperlola"]As a friend helped herself to yet another piece of fruit from the bowl : "Apples don't grow on trees you know!" said her husband angrily.[/quote]

Apples don't, but my son and daughter used to think that money did. Mind you they have learnt the true way now!!!

They wouldn't have been natural blonds would they Alan [Www]. For crying out loud John when you are in a hole, stop digging???

P.S. Mind you I think a deep hole would be a good place to duck into after my question?

[LEO]

[quote user="cooperlola"]As a friend helped herself to yet another piece of fruit from the bowl : "Apples don't grow on trees you know!" said her husband angrily.[/quote]

 

In the " fifties "it was common in Glasgow for a housewife to refuse to buy , plums, peaches, grapes etc because

 "The bairns will only eat them ",

and therefore the attractive looking fruit bowl in the centre of the dining table would not be attractive very long as the kids would gobble up all the fancy fruit within an hour of purchase! thus removing the uplifting ambiance provided by the posh fruit bowl!