Gitane

The Magic Roundabout.   At last a subject one can get ones teeth into.          Jerry Atrick                    

Oh! 2 B a GURU. No I didn't. but I will keep looking, and may be I will be a Guru, and see "The Lighter Side". Jerry Atrick. P.S. Am I allowed to to answer back. Be Happy.    

Just what friends are  for. An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.  After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area of large, stately residences ... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.    He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."    "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."    "Oh, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me"    He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.    "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."    The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.  Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.    Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.    As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call " British Hospitality?"     "No sir," replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."   (It's a joke!!!!) I think.   Jerry Atrick.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating; the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friends replies, "A carnation??" "No. No. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns." His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"   Jerry Atrick  

[quote]Jesus ![/quote] That's right. He always turns up around the 25th Dec. OK. so he's a bit early this year. But who's counting??? Jerry Atrick.

Shalom Tara! HELP PEOPLE REACH THEIR FULL POTENTIAL, CATCH THEM DOING SOME THING RIGHT!!   Jerry Atrick.    

It's a thought.(the grass is always!!!) Aesop, the storyteller, was one day walking from Athens, when he met a man from Argos going to the city he had left. As they talked, the man from Argos said, “You come from Athens. Tell me, what sort of people are they there?”“Tell me first,” replied Aesop, “what the people of Argos are like.” “Oh, very disagreeable.” Said the man, “mean and selfish and quarrelsome.” “I am sorry to tell you,” said Aesop, “that you will find the people of Athens to be the same.”Later he met another man also coming from Argos, who asked him the same question about what the people of Athens were like. “Tell me first,” said Aesop again, “what the men of Argos are like.” “They are very pleasant people,” said the second man, “kind and friendly and good neighbours.”“I am happy to tell you,” said Aesop, “that you will find the people of Athens just the same.”Jerry Atrick   

  Re an article on Lance Armstrong and the French.  In our local paper.   I sympathise with his apparent struggle to understand the French. Being French myself I often share in that struggle.    So does every other Frenchman in a country with a different political party for every twenty voters. But perhaps I can lighten the shadows a little.   First, I must emphasise there is no such thing as the “French”, so it is not possible to generalise. I do not know of a single Frenchman who even remotely likes another.   Secondly, I have no idea where you get the impression that they do not like or value ‘Joan of Arc’. She is the focus of their hatred of the English who by burning this pure young woman alive, confirmed what they really are – a vicious, vulgar lot with terrible accents and thuggish imbecility, obviously suffering the consequences of centuries of in-breeding due to their self-imposed isolation from the rest of Europe.   French teenagers – to use but one topical example – dress far better and prefer to spend hours in cafes discussing metaphysics to getting plastered on cider and hacking each other to death with axes.   Your football hooligans, of course, have long proved to be made of the same imbecilic mould. It ill becomes the sickest society in Europe to criticise the most civilised.  As for Lance Armstrong, the unspeakable arrogance of a despised American to keep on winning their national trophy is almost unbearable.     Arrogance is a right which the French will defend to the death as being their sole entitlement, they being by far the highest achievement of the human race.   The French are superior and that’s that.   They just do not like the Americans who are excruciatingly vulgar, and for the most part, grotesquely obese. “No Class”.  I hope I have been of some help, and long live the “Entente not-so Cordial”.                                    Roger Bouyac.   Jerry Atrick 

[quote]It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls: And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not se...[/quote] On the subject of Genesis :-   In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.   Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Crispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.   And Satan smiled.     And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.   So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.   God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.   God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it Devil's Food".   God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.  Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its £1.99 double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied “Yes!” And super size them!" And Satan said

[quote]"Michelle is looking forward to going back to being a teacher" Yikes! She must be bored.[/quote] Well. It's better than working for a living!!!  Jerry Atrick.  

  The husband had just finished reading the book, "MAN OF THE HOUSE". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied......... "The funeral director!!"    Jerry Atrick.

It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.   Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:  1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.  2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.  3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...  5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 7. If all is not lost, where is it? 8 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.  9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...  10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.  11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...  12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.  13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.  14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...  15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.  16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.  17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.  18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?  19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...  20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.  21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.  22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.  23 ???? lost!!!! 24. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... Jerry (gone!) 

Oh. Dear,               There was me thinking that I had sent the “School Prayer” in to the “Lighter Side Of France”, but it would seem that all “hell” has broken loose between “Tresco, RayB &Teamedup. (that’s if they believe in hell).   The only good thing that has come out of this is that while they were slagging each other and myself off they were leaving the rest of the human race in peace.   Oh dear how sad !     Jerry Atrick. !!  

The New School Prayer for G.B. Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now. Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong. We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd. It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen.  Jerry Atrick.

Oh! Where. Oh Where is Madam "G" Jerry Atrick

His Mam forgot to pack another Jersey for him. Well. She would seeing that he has won it for the last six years.   Good on him!!!!   Jerry Atrick.

I have just sent another e-mail to "James Parfiitt" asking why I have so much trouble when trying to "Sign-in". I have been refused three times to day, and would you believe it, I was connected as soon as I sent off the e-mail.  Is this a case of "Great minds think alike"," Psychic whatsitname", or "Sod's Law"    Yours Very Jerry Atrick.

Choices. Yes and no. saw this and thought it may help you. ChoicesJohn is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood.  I choose to be in a good mood." Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life. "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose e to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life." I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd  be twins Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. He replied.  "As I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. He continued, "..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said  John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'." Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. You have two choices now: 01. Delete this. 02. Forward it to the people you care about. You know the choice I made Jerry Atrick.

[quote]Another "furie" one. >> A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the >> sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdl...[/quote] What do the French have for breakfast?                                       Subject: Porridge It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars, as big bears often do. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,  "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?   It was Mummy Bear who got up first.  It was Mummy Bear who woke up everybody else in the house.  It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night      and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air      to fetch the newspaper and the wood for the fire.  It was Mummy Bear who set the table.  It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box      and filled the cat's water & food dish.  And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me

[quote]OK, another very old and even more politically incorrect one: Once upon a time in a the forest, there lived an orphaned rabbit and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind fr...[/quote] Another "furie" one. >> A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the >> sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth,     'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?'  As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's    on her level and  asks,  'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like >> that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?' >> She, in turn, blushes, >>rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, >> leans forward and  says, in a soft voice,  'I don't think my python givth a thit.' Jerry Atrick.

[quote]To redress the balance a bit, some things the French say about the English: They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody else gets it, the second a week later wh...[/quote] un-dressing the balance   An Irish man appears on “Mastermind” and sits in the chair. The lights fade, and he is illuminated by the spot light. His chosen special subject is announced as:- “Ireland. The Easter Rising, and the War of Independence 1916 to 1921. Start the clock says the questioner. 1st. question:-  Name one of the leaders of the Easter Rising of 1916? “PASS” Name the IRA leader who led the fight against the British before agreeing to partition?” “PASS” Name the First president of the Irish Free State? “PASS”And a voice shouts out from the audience.   

[quote]French accent or not!!!Well done! I've got stitches!! It certainly help to start the day at the office!!!More please!!![/quote] Try this one in CANARD. A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.  The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".  "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.  "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.  "I see your ears are working," says the duck,  "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"  "Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don' get many ducks in this pub.  What are you doing round this way?"  "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.  So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.  This continues for 2 weeks.  Then one day the circus comes to town.  The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;  "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant  in your circus -  he talks, drinks beer and everything!"  "Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."  So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.  The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job.  Paying really good money!"  "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"  "At the circus" says the landlord.  "The circus?" the duck enquires.  That's right," replies the landlord.  "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.  "That's right!" says the landlord.  The duck looks confused.  "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?" Jerry Atrick.

This sound best in a French accent Subject: Quasimodo   After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of  Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants he decided to call it a day when, an armless man approached him and said he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,                         "BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL".... WAIT! WAIT! There's more............. The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to audition him, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and dead on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name,"sighed the distraught bishop, but............."                         HE"S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER"...   Sorry  Jerry Atrick.

Have you ever thought of 'er now where was I.   Oh never mind.          Jerry Atrick.

Merci buckets. Thank you for this most valuable information.   Jerry Atrick.