Quick laugh

[krusty]

anyone fancy a hotdog ?

click here

[Frenchie]

AU SECOURS !!!   maman nnnnnnnnnnnnnn !!!

[IMG]http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r20/regine79/mamannn.jpg[/IMG]

[Geordie girl]

Ah i want one please.................................

[Frenchie]

That pic makes me all funny inside too ...   What a cutie !!!

Sorry, off topic ..... OOOooops   

[krusty]

do you want mustard on it ?

[Geordie girl]

Aah Krusty, you`re horrible,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,[:P][:P]

[Bugsy]

Paddy was having a holiday tour at NASA, when the lead Engineer, wanting to impress, told everyone that the margin of error on the panel alignment of the Space Shuttles heat shields was .0000001 of an inch.....
to which Paddy replied loudly


" You'd be no ***kin good at laying Tarmac then, our tar spreader has to be spot on"

 

[AnOther]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview.  The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

 

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?

The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

 

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

 

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end:  "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?

She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

 

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".

She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm – wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

 

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

 

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

 

She replies.............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

da da da da, da da da, da da da, da, da dada da.....................

[AnOther]

What goes..........

 

clipperty clipperty clop

 

BANG

 

cipperty clipperty clop

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Amish drive by shooting

 

 

 

[krusty]

A father is sitting watching TV when his young son comes into the room.

Daddy I don't want a bike for Christmas anymore

Why not son? asks the dad.

The wee boy replies,
Cos I've just found one behind the cupboard in you bedroom.

[Bugsy]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

[Pierre ZFP]

Universal truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your

pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into

a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a

fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call

your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at

the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way

through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got

your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had

their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on

an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of

wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

[Pierre ZFP]

An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with

a rear light out.

He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window

down.

The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver

and passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy.

Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to

engage in some friendly chat.

Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?

Davy: Aye, that's right big yin.

We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.

Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy

weather you have in Ecosse?

Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here.

Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby?

Boaby: Aye.

Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food,

very healthy.

Davy: Naw, yer food's mingin big man, everything reeks of garlic.

We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap.

Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac,

surely.

Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot.

In't that right Boaby?

Boaby: Aye.

Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must

be here to see the Parisienne mademoiselles, ze most beautiful women in

Europe.

Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dugs, ah widnae touch them

wae a barge pole big yin.

Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our

country if everysing ees so bad?

Boaby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!

[Bugsy]

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand . "

[Bugsy]

Long distance lorry driver..........................

Parks the rig for the night and walks into a classy brothel..... He slaps £500 on the desk.....
He says.... "I want two slices of cheese on toast and the ugliest bitch you've got for the night......"

The Madame is shocked and says.... "Deary for £500 you can have a gourmet 3 course meal and two of my best girls for the night"
The Driver says.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No-no.... you misunderstand me.... I'm not Horny I'm homesick"

[AnOther]

A womans diary: Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him this evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew something was wrong. He dropped me back at home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just shook his head and turned the TV on. After about 10 minutes of silence I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold and I started to think he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A mans Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa. Gutted.

Made love to Sharon, fantastic !

 

Or, as they say............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A picture paints a thousand words

[img]http://www.bible.ca/marriage/woman-vs-man-buttons.jpg[/img]

[AnOther]

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert.

Wandering aimlessly and close to death they are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell, ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon dripping with juice, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of bacon.

'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved, eet EES a bacon tree!'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage, we ees in the Desert don't forget.?

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe...go back man, you was right...ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ees...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ees.........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ees....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... Eees a Ham Bush

[Clair]

[quote user="ErnieY"]... Eees a xxx xxxx[/quote][IMG]http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-045.gif[/IMG]

Edited by myself!

[AnOther]

That's not fair Clair, spoiling the punchline.....................[:(]

[Clair]

Noooo, don't be like that [:)]

I'll edit my quote...

It's a very funny joke and as I was reading it aloud to Mr Clair, trying out my best mexican accent, he came up with the punchline before I got to saying it![:D]

[AnOther]

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[AnOther]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied

[AnOther]

Why it's good to be a man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be King.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another public loo because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £1000. Morning suit rental £150.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

You have something to play with in your pocket all the time.

Your tummy usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a penknife.

You know how wide your car is.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache....

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it.

And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[AnOther]

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's in NY, USA ....on one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: 'Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!'

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - 'They were used to sharing everything.'

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,

'Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?'

She answered, 'THE TEETH'

[AnOther]

And finally for today

 

A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The barman gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You're a TOTAL JERK... And you STINK... Do you know, you're almost AS UGLY AS YOUR MOTHER!"

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."