Feeding your kids at Uni

[Frederick]

I know of a plan  afoot at the moment to arrange a Tesco on line food drop once a week to ensure starvation does not kick in while at Uni ... My view is give him the money if it goes on beer and he starves for a bit it wont hurt him..He can get a job as a waiter and eat scraps  when he is hungry enough !    Anybody fed their kids through Uni the Tesco way ?

[Richard51]

My kids know that they will all have to feed themselves.  I have taught all of them how to cook, how to manage a budget and how to eat healthily and cheaply. (At this moment youngest son (age 16) is learning how to make a plum tart from this year's plum harvest - tomorrow elder son (18) is making a lamb meatball pilaff).   Learning to manage income and debt is one of life's most important lessons - providing everything for them just prevents them from learning. 

Mrs R51

[Frederick]

Richard... I agree

[DerekJ]

[quote user="Richard51"]  Learning to manage income and debt is one of life's most important lessons - providing everything for them just prevents them from learning. 

Mrs R51

[/quote]

Exactly.  I couldn't agree more.

[Russethouse]

My sister has fed her son this way sometimes, when he was an apprentice and not well paid, living away from home etc she arranged Tesco's deliveries.

[Frederick]

Oh well ... if its the done thing these days ... You live and learn .. It could be worse ... he could have asked his mum to have  Fortnum and Masons  make him up hampers ...

[Kitty]

The ex-husband of a friend of mine lives abroad and refuses to pay my UK based friend (and her two children) maintenance.  He sends her Tescos deliveries instead.

[Russethouse]

LOL - when I was a children's nanny I was once asked to take my charges to tea with their cousin who lived in Hans Crescent, when in London, as they come up from the country that day  - Harrods delivered it !!!!!

Just had to add hot water for the actual cuppa.......

[Chancer]

I had to fend for myself from the age of 17, my father before me at a much younger age, and I mean total independance, no-one to tap up for a sub,  I did once have a crisis loan from the company accounts department when I found when starting in the factory after the apprentice school that I would henceforth be paid monthly in arrears, it was quite a difficult situation for a 17 year old whose last weeks wages had been spent and would be kicked out of his lodgings if he didnt pay rent, food was much lower down the list of priorities.

Everybody it seems these days are expected/obliged to help out their children when they become young adults, there have been recent postings discussing both sets of in laws making gifts for a house deposit etc.

What I want to know is at what stage do people actually take responsibility for their lives, I would love to think that this would be before they make babies themselves but it sure dont seem to work that way, if parents constantly support and bail out their offspring at what age will they have to reach themselves before their own children return the favour and start to support them whether it be financially or with physical help?

I now realise that I must have been an exceptional case and that most around me were helped financially by their parents or in laws but what really sickens me is to see couples older than me, in their 50's with children of their own that continue to tap up their aged parents who remain in the UK while they try to live their French dream.

[cooperlola]

It took me a long time to persuade my mother that she should spend her money on herself whilst she is still able to enjoy it - I don't want it, I have enough of my own.  My o/h's father was obsessed with the idea that he had to leave money behind for his kids, even though all three are bright, intelligent and successful in their careers.  It wasn't until after he had retired, lost his wife and had his first heart attack that he began to spend his own money on himself and have a few holidays abroad in places he had always wanted to visit.  It astonishes me that kids rely so much on their parents for financial support.  I'm not sure you learn much about how to manage your finances if there's always an emergency fund, in the shape of your parents, in the  background to bail you out.

[Chancer]

Whilst the children dont seem to be spoiled in the same way in France I do find that most parents seem obsessed with leaving their worldly goods to their children.

I am proud not to have inherited anything other than wisdom and a few woodworking tools from my precedents and that they were able to enjoy the fruits of their labour during retirement.

The bit that I especially dont get is wanting to pass on your home to your children, there is no way that they would all want to live in it and it would not be big enough for all their famlies.

With increasing life expectancy thankfully most peoples children are middle aged by the time they die, other than those that continue to tap up the parents for money one would hope that they have already got themselves sorted out by that time.

I find it quite depressing when I see a middle aged family change their second car which is usually quite new and decent for something brand new and frivolous like one of those  cabriolets with an electric hardtop and then take a holiday in Las Vegas or Disneyland etc, its nearly always signals that the final parent has died and the house has been split between a few children.

Surely its better to remember your parents and grand parents by their happiness in retirement and that they took holidays etc rather than scrimped and saved? 

 

[cooperlola]

Well, I guess if you own your house then what else do you do with it than leave it to your kids?  But beyond that then to my mind you should spend the money you earn on the things you want.  I fully expect the capital from our house will end up paying to keep one, other or both of us in a home somewhere!

[Chancer]

Take out as much equity as you can reasonably do without leaving yourself in doggy doo's, a bit risky in the UK where most of the speculative financial products can leave you massively in debt and threatened with homelessness but here in Fance we have the excellent prét à viager system where I can only see positives, you get a lump sum, an income for life, you no longer have to worry about paying taxes foncieres or anything other than minor running repairs to your property.

If the lender defaults you get to keep what you already have and can sell again en viager, same as if the lender dies before you.

Best of all studies have shown that people live much longer once when they have the means to enjoy an active and fulfilled retirement without financial stress.

I didnt really explain it well but I find it sad that a lifetime of hard work and thrift is just frittered away on a better car or a better holiday for each of the children.

[Panda]

I too am really shocked by how much kids rely on parents well into their thirties.  I see it first hand as I have a large family and lots of nephews and nieces.  I have a real issue with it and when I point out that I think niece X should arrange her own bank account/mortgage/job interview/uni digs you name it, I am always told wait until your son is in the position and you will want to help them.  I really dont beleive I will, I think it's wrong to keep bailing them out, they just keep getting into debt or dont know which mortgage product to go for next time around as they dont understand it etc.  They also get handouts constantly and most of the older kids earn a really good wage so there is no excuse at all.

I bought my first house at 19 and my parents had nothing to do with it, not a single thing, I struggle to see how kids are expected to learn to stand on their own two feet if they are constantly aided in this way.  I agree with the other posters, teach them how to cook, budget etc and then back away .    I would never see any of my family in genuine need but this is just apron strings gone mad. 

I have an older sister whose kids are not that much younger than me and they too will step back if bank of mum and dad are around say at a family meal out, it annoys me intensely since my sister is not far off retirement age, what age will they start to care for her?  I wouldn't dream of having my mum pay for anything in my company, so what changed in one generation?

[Chancer]

Some of the people that I referred to are in their 50's have effectively early retired to France yet are still are heavily into the bank of mum n dad.

My father retired at normal age when I was 22 so I didnt really have the means to do much for him other than service and fix his car, help out around the house but that meant a 550 mile round trip, maybe the memories of being chucked out so young prevented me, I am not sure I dont think that I even thought about it at that age, I used to wonder why he did so much for those older than him like my late mothers great aunt etc but very soon I matured and these things became second nature to me as well.

As soon as I started my own business and had positive cashflow I insisted on paying for all his petrol, I had to con him that it was a tax fiddle and that it made me better off but he graciously and gratefully accepted, it wasnt a great deal of money each month but I was never actually able to draw a salary myself from the businesss.

I carried this on for over 15 years before moving to France (its quite impossible now) including for my stepmother for many years after Dads death even though her middle aged children were ripping the ar5e out of the arrangement, they would insist on taking their turn to drive mum to the superstore and always realise on the way that they had no fuel and had forgotten their purses, Ipicked up the tab for their fuel and my stepmother their groceries despite being in her 70's and widowed, I really wish that I could do more for her.

[Russethouse]

[quote user="Panda"]

I too am really shocked by how much kids rely on parents well into their thirties.  I see it first hand as I have a large family and lots of nephews and nieces.  I have a real issue with it and when I point out that I think niece X should arrange her own bank account/mortgage/job interview/uni digs you name it, I am always told wait until your son is in the position and you will want to help them.  I really dont beleive I will, I think it's wrong to keep bailing them out, they just keep getting into debt or dont know which mortgage product to go for next time around as they dont understand it etc.  They also get handouts constantly and most of the older kids earn a really good wage so there is no excuse at all.

I bought my first house at 19 and my parents had nothing to do with it, not a single thing, I struggle to see how kids are expected to learn to stand on their own two feet if they are constantly aided in this way.  I agree with the other posters, teach them how to cook, budget etc and then back away .    I would never see any of my family in genuine need but this is just apron strings gone mad. 

I have an older sister whose kids are not that much younger than me and they too will step back if bank of mum and dad are around say at a family meal out, it annoys me intensely since my sister is not far off retirement age, what age will they start to care for her?  I wouldn't dream of having my mum pay for anything in my company, so what changed in one generation?

[/quote]

Panda, It must depend on your mother, mine has always been as tight as a tic(k) and when my father sometimes wanted to give us money for something or other (and I'm talking in tens here) I have literally seen her grab his hand as he put it his pocket to stop him.

This year she has become immobile, for nearly two months she was in hospital 25 miles from me and over 50 from my sister, despite that not only did one of us go to visit everyday but as she complained so much about the meals we also took her food too(and she is a fussy eater, smoled salmon sandwiches, fresh rasberries and cream, Fruit yogurts and pannacotta deserts, no chance of getting away with a few grapes)

We arranged her discharge and her ongoing care -  we liaise with care agencies, sort out her laundry, get her shopping and organise her meals (God Bless Wiltshire Farm Foods )do we get a thankyou, leave alone a contribution to expenses? Not likely ......

[Chancer]

Its payback time Russethouse, I am pretty sure that my father never got a thankyou (prior to booting me out) for putting me and my siblings above all else, working outside doing carpentry on buiding sites to put food in our bellies and keep a roof over our heads.

One thing that I have noticed and was reminded of it agian tonight on the TV, very few French seem to accept their responsibilities (perhaps assume is a better word) when their parents become infirm and accept them into their homes, it seems the norm to put them in a maison de retraite and then moan about the contributions.

[Russethouse]

Yep, I guess so.....not my mother was ever supportive to any of her children, but that's life [:)]

[Chancer]

Well certainly from the day my mother died my father did his best to debarasse himself of all of us, it was a bit difficult with me being 15 but he quite swiftly succeeded.

Looking back I can see that he was hopelessly depressed and couldnt cope without my mother, he was never supportive of me, neither did he knock me back, it was just as if I was a complication in his life that he didnt want or need.

Only once in my life did I ever ask his advice,I was 24 and was about to give up my job to work freelance, he was pretty hopeless "I dont know son, you have got to live your life etc"  but after  I realised  how much he did actually worry as my asking him the question made his hiatus hernia ulcer to flair up.

From that day on I took 100% charge of my own life and the father son relationship reversed, even though we hadnt had one for nigh on 10 years.

I have never dwelled on those years or held them against him, at a certain time in my life I felt and assumed my responsibilities, it felt right and it gave me pleasure in doing so, it doesnt matter how many people take advantage of me in this life I wont let that stop me from helping others that are in need, the advantage with helping strangers is that you can stop if you think you are being taken as trop bon, trop con

I am sure that you do what you do for your mother in the same vein Russethouse. 

[Panda]

[quote user="Russethouse"]
Panda, It must depend on your mother, mine has always been as tight as a tic(k) and when my father sometimes wanted to give us money for something or other (and I'm talking in tens here) I have literally seen her grab his hand as he put it his pocket to stop him.
This year she has become immobile, for nearly two months she was in hospital 25 miles from me and over 50 from my sister, despite that not only did one of us go to visit everyday but as she complained so much about the meals we also took her food too(and she is a fussy eater, smoled salmon sandwiches, fresh rasberries and cream, Fruit yogurts and pannacotta deserts, no chance of getting away with a few grapes)
We arranged her discharge and her ongoing care -  we liaise with care agencies, sort out her laundry, get her shopping and organise her meals (God Bless Wiltshire Farm Foods )do we get a thankyou, leave alone a contribution to expenses? Not likely ......

[/quote]

I'm talking about you with your kids though Russethouse, the next generation, what are they like around money with you, do you pay for everything for them?  My parents didnt have much money so I never had much help either but it never occured to me to expect any, it wasnt the done thing then, what Im saying is one generation on and my sister is bank rolling her well educated off spring into their thirites, what happneed in one generation?

[Russethouse]

My kids are both still at home, my daughter was at Uni for 3 years where we paid some and she had a student loan, son did a course at a local college.

They both work and pay a small amount of rent. My daughter would love to buy her own place and saves toward that - my son is fairly OK with money but is not a saver

They both cook and clean for themselves and do their own laundry, run their own cars etc. If they have loans for anything they have to make a standing order to pay it back

Like many other parents we would like to see our children get on the property ladder so keep their rent to a minimum to make it easier for them, we live in hope.[:)]

A good friend of my daughters has her flat in partnership with her parents and often gets handouts, help with bills, a new a car etc...she is over 30 !!!