Hello Earth People

[Tresco]

Dotty O,

So much red water was drunk, I missed a whole page of lunacy last night.[:$]

Glad to hear the little earthling is well.

[Missy]

>>>.....where are all the party people? I can't be the only person up and about. I mean Mars people might be a few hours behind earth, but where are all the earhlings? <<<

WE on planet Earth, every (certainly most) night on the 6th day called Saturday, of this period called week, we go out on Saturnalian parties. So called as we transfer to planet Saturn. These parties take on many themes, depending on one's leaning, where we get plastered - or smashed or trashed depending what your local linguo is. In my case glasses of a mixture of H2O and gold dark liquid from a country known as Scotland, does the trick. Scotland (for the benefit of our Martian friend) : an appendage to a place called 'home' by Rosbifs, also part of planet Earth. So Sharon the Martian in your own language : Earthlings are all out eating mash to get smash!!

>>>What is the purpose of a male standing in this area of public transport with only a label across his reproductive organs, stating "contains nuts"? is this an example of malfunction? <<<

To tell you that you may have an allergy if consumed!! Allergy can declare itself by a bulge growing from inside one's tummy, over a period of 9 months and suddenly exploding and producing a little monster earthling who will eat you out of house and home and will bawl its head off at you, for some many years to come, until it understands it can cope with the Universe very much better on its own than with you ...

>>>Tomorrow I shall visit the carpet store for a good s***. The appartment I am placed in has wooden floors, it is very uncomfortable...<<<

This is the exact transcript as it appeared in my Email box, to warn me that a communication has been made by another being of this weird club/forum.  Somehow on the waves that transport these communications, there live gremlins called 'moderators' and their lives are made hell and damaged irrevocably by keeping good decorum and order in this weird club called 'The Forum'. They beavered away to rewrite the sentence and published it so :

>>>Tomorrow I shall visit the carpet store for piles of the shag carpet. The appartment I am placed in has wooden floors, it is very uncomfortable.<<<

So Sharon the Martian do obey the code of these gremlins. They are ever so kind really and do a very good job. I bet you my posting will be edited by them but I don't mind as long as the overall sense of what I am saying is not lost on the waves... Incidentally my Gran always told me 'never to sit on a hard cold place for I will get piles!'

>>>New species call their infants strange names. Good examples are Sebastien for boy infants and Chantelle for girl infants.<<<

Bad example of new species calling their infant boy Sebastien as Sebastien is a Saint. His name appears on the 'Calendrier des Pompiers' or 'Calendrier des Eboueurs'. This is a little almanach of sundry oddities and indispensable knowledge that most Earth people, living in Dor-Don-Ner-shire and other places surrounding it altogether making a place called France, find on their doorstep at the dawning of the New Year (sometime menaced to part with some silver or copper coins for an obscure charitable purpose) My experience is that these infant boys are called 'Duane' or 'Shane' or 'Wayne'. Not seen any saints of that name on the said 'Calendrier des pompiers et des éboueurs'.

As to girls Chantelle is a good example. Other names such as 'Chardonnay' or 'Natasha' or 'Francesca' are also popular. Once this poor girl named Chantelle was locked away in a house with other members of the human kind (though personnally, I failed to see any resemblance between these and the kind that I normally mingle with. That man calling himself a politician?...Do you have some like that on planet Mars...  After many a weeks and many a tasks and many a calls from other beings of the human kind living outside the said house, all other participants failed at these very many tasks and to attain such adoration from the outsiders. Only Chantelle succeedeth and was finally left out of the bubble house. For that she will one day, I am sure, be able to join the list of saints on the 'Calendriers des pompiers et des éboueurs'

>>> at the moment Essex. It used to be sort of country, but they built loads of houses all around! Originally, Hertfordshire, again in the country, but they built lots of houses round! And, of course, part time in the Nord Pas de Calais, near Azincourt, where they have not built lots of houses all around! <<<

In the very distant past and the mist of time, some king calling himself 'Henry the fifth one of the name' came with his soldiers who had bows and arrows. Together they created havoc amongst the native and made many a rude gestures to them. To celebrate this unfortunate day of the battle of 'St Crispin's day, the 25th of October 1415, some very many moons since the battle, in the year of our planet 1982 on the same 25th day of October, a monster infant son was born (See above reference to eating nuts and allergy!) Toad was mighty pleased and hailed his infant son to be of his tribe anglo-saxon-welsh not of the faraway french tribe whence the mother came from. Another fat king calling himself 'Henry the eighth one of the name' (Shows not much imagination on the part of their mothers, with so many names on the 'Calendrier des pompiers ou des éboueurs') did come to that area of this land you call the 'région du Pas de Calais'. He did build houses but these were made of cloth and hence did not last very long in the poor climate of the region. He tried to bully the local king called 'François the first of the name' (his mother made sure she had priority on the name) to agree to go to battle against another rascal called 'Charles the fifth one of the name' who came from Spain. So I would say that you are lucky that there are not many houses around that area you are trying to call 'home' (during holidays?).

>>>Isn't it better if Sharon, as a Martian, learns the RP way of pronouncing Dordogne. I thought it was Dor-dog-ner, not Doo-dog-ner.<<<

Many a 'Rosbifs' from this country called Britain, when once in France refer to it as 'home', have brought with them a four legged companion. This creature follows them bindly everywhere, does without failing whatever is asked of him and as recompense gets food, patting and many a shoutings for many a things not done by him. The only problem is that this four legged companion is not allowed to use the area of the house known as the indoor lavatory. He uses the countryside around the dwelling as such. So this land known as Dor-dog-ner can sometime also be called Doo-Dog-ner.

.....Dear! is that the time on this planet Earth.....

Drat! Gold liquid has run out! Toad wants his dinner! four legged companion is crying in pain as he is not allowed to the indoor lavatory! and the author is in serious need of curing a mega headache/liver malfunction syndrome obtained at that Saturnalian party she attended last night!.... before going to work tomorrow to earn few more sheckels that one day she is able to afford the luxury of escaping this land and go where she calls 'home' in France and indeed was hers once upon a time.....

>>>This is hilarious !!!! <<<

Isn't it Lori!...

[*-)] [:)] [:D] [;-)] [Www]

[Gluestick]

Dear Sharon Martian.

Here on what is left of planet Earth, we employ a wondrous communications tool for learning: it is called the World Wide Web. There is much to beware of, however.

You will many people telling you that Earthlings can grow important bits of their anatomy by amazing amounts by eating pills. Do not try this! Your scales will probably fall off!

The web, as we call it, is a good place for knowledge about earth and earthlings.

To learn more about the infants of your New Species neighbours in Dor-Dog-Ner, move the small pointy thing on the viewing screen to here and click: http://www.chavtowns.co.uk/ [6]

You will learn much!

Until next time,

 

[Just Katie]

[quote user="The Martian"]

 with openings on there bonce

 

[/quote]

Dear Sharon,

It may be a coincidence, but my friend Twinkle picked up on a very similar spelling mistake the other day. However, I cannot remember for the life of me who could have written it! Hmm I wonder. 

[Gluestick]

Dear Sharon Martian

Everyone appears to be ignoring you. This is not usual in Great Britain but may well be the case in the Dor-Dog-Ner, particularly if you do not drive a Four Be Four and have a Sky dish: oh and wear designer clothes: oh and have multiple body piercings; oh and have a sun bed (think about it![+o(]).

If you would like some more information about integrating with Brits, then please let us know.

 

[The Martian]

Gluestick Earthling

My mission is to integrate with all earth people, not just the Great British type.

I have been taken to a dwelling in the Dordogne area of France. I have seen many British earthlings travelling in the Volvo conveyance with four legged creatures enveloped in hairs. Where can I obtain this conveyance with hair covered creature?

Why would you place the sun in a sleeping module? is this where you read? why do ovens wear gloves in the images of fish?

The Martian

[Just Katie]

[quote user="The Martian"]

. Where can I obtain this conveyance with hair covered creature?

The Martian

[/quote]

If you travel up to Normandy you could kidnap Dick Smith.  He's a hair covered creature who drives a volvo.  Good Luck.

[Gluestick]

[quote user="The Martian"]

Gluestick Earthling

My mission is to integrate with all earth people, not just the Great British type.

I have been taken to a dwelling in the Dordogne area of France. I have seen many British earthlings travelling in the Volvo conveyance with four legged creatures enveloped in hairs. Where can I obtain this conveyance with hair covered creature?

Why would you place the sun in a sleeping module? is this where you read? why do ovens wear gloves in the images of fish?

The Martian

[/quote]

Well, the hair covered creatures come separate from the conveyance. If you really want a hair covered creature, you could try Sharon Osbourne. Ask to borow "Ozzie": this is her hair covered object. This (Sharon) is a plastic robot, with an over-sized loudspeaking device, masquerading as a human type. You would probably call this an android. However, if you did, be warned, you would be sued by the Global Android Protection Union for defamation. This suing is an earth custom. It is fun when you win: but very painful when you lose. Some people call it masochism.

Lawyers (who are a sub-branch of the genus Human), call it "How to become above average wealthy with little or no ability". This is yet another strange earth custom.[:-))]

I do hope that this helps.

 

[Tresco]

Katie, the difficulties we earthies have with travel may be quite unknown to Shaz the Martian. She could be there in a hop, skip and a jump. 

Do we want Dicksmith to be taken to Dordogne, and kept there as some sort of 'plaything'? For that would be his fate, I'm sure.

Why would you place the sun in a sleeping module? is this where you read? why do ovens wear gloves in the images of fish?

Shazzy the Marshie, are you using babelfish to help compose your posts? I just can't work these questions out.

 

[The Martian]

 

The island of Tresco is oneof five inhabited islands of the Isles of Scilly, found 29 miles south west of Lands End.

I use the facility known as 'Systran' to assist with my communication with your kind.

 

The Martian

[Tresco]

Very good Shazabelle

Many earthlings think my 'name' is a spelling mistake, but 'Tresco' is very different to 'Tesco'.

I will investigate 'Systran', but i still don't understand your previous comments. Probably just me.

 

[Gluestick]

Dear Martian Person AKA Sharon

The term "Sunbed" is a very strange one! It is a sort of reclining place for strange earthlings to lay on, and irradiate their body with rays similar to those projected by the sun. This makes them turn a strange colour. It is called "Sunburn". The colour is often yellow. Earthlings also turn this colour when infected with an organism which causes what we call "Jaundice". This is why they turn yellow.

Gloves of ovens doesn't mean that ovens have hands. These are devices allowing earthlings to pick up hot things from a device used for cooking some foods. This device is called an oven. So, ovens do not have hands: as fish do not have fingers. Earth languages are very confusing!

Where can I access Systran in order to communicate better with you? Our Earth translation devices do not work very well. I shall provide an example for you.

I wrote this. "Welcome to Earth martian person. We hope that you enjoy your stay. Where have you parked your spaceship? Has it been spotted by wardens? They will place a parking ticket on it if you are not careful!"

I translated this from English to Spanish (another Earth language) and then to French (another Earth language) and then back to English again. here is the result.

"reception to connect to ground with anybody Martian. We hope that you enjoy his stay. Where does it have parqueado its ship space? Was it soiled by the guards? They will place a ticket of carpark in him if you do not have a care!"

It is not very good:I do not understand it either.[:-))]

 

[The Martian]

Gluestick is confusing me!

If I place the large dog on my cooker, he will run away unless he is secured. I wish to know how to secure the large animal to the cooker?

The Martian

[Christine Animal]

Well, Gluestick should be the one to know.

 

[bizzy]

You could try using a Cooker Spaniel [;-)]

[The Martian]

I shall purchase the ready made hot dog from the street vendor. I prefer not to hear, or smell the dog while on the cooker. It is dificult to insert the animal into the tubular bread.

The Martian

[The Martian]

Why is the male playing with balls on grass? There are many West Ham male inhabitants that indulge in this activity.

I can only conclude it is for the purpose of caressing and kissing the other males when they have kicked balls into a large fish capturing device.

The Martian

[Tresco]

You are correct Martian.

They just want to kiss and hug eacother, but not only the West Hampstead Males engage in this behaviour. Many of the males of our species take any opportunity to have a kiss and a hug while pretending that all they want is to get the ball in the net.

Here is an early example. One of the earthlings is called a Currie. How confusing our world must be for you!

[IMG]http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i76/twinm/tonycurrie.jpg[/IMG]

[The Martian]

I have now discovered that the 'Great' in Great Britain, is a reference to it's size compared to Bretagne in France.

I have also discovered a great man is not a large man.

The Martian