Edward Trunk

I want to be cremated when I hand in my dinner pail, and I would much prefer to be sent up on a pile of logs than in the clinical atmosphere of municipal crematoria. Do I have to be a Hindoo, or can anyone join?

I remember how Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond defeated the Khasi of Khalibar in "Carry On Up The Khyber." Time to repeat the tactic? Any Highland regiments we can send?

I am going to Goa for two months in Jan/Feb, escaping the dreadful Mediterranean winter. I went to my mutuelle provider to see if they might offer me health insurance. He said no, but he also said that my Carte Vitale will work in India - ie, I pay up front for any treatment, and the French will re-imburse me. Is he right?

Rolls-Royce were going to call the Silver Shadow the "Silver Mist", until they realised that in German "mist" is what comes out of horses' bottoms.

A plea of "not guilty" is a challenge to the prosecution to prove its case, and it is every defendant's entitlement. She has not yet been found guilty. Start crowing when she has.

While we're having a moan about pharmacies, the ones round here have beautifully arranged displays of veterinary products, cosmetics, slimming aids, etc, but medicines are all locked away out of sight. In Britain, if you have spots on your bottom you can go into Boots and nose around the over-the-counter stuff to see what might work. Here, I would have to explain in my fractured French that I had spots on my bottom (I haven't) while the rest of the shop listened. C'est la galère.

My lemon tree is growing fit to bust, has several fruits and is putting on new buds. I want to cut it back because it will make it easier to put it into its frost jacket. Is now as good a time as any?

Part of the problem is that employees in France are virtually unsackable. If they sprayed their customers with horse manure as they came through the doors they would still keep their jobs. And you'd get charged for the manure used.

Visiting La Jonquera a few weeks ago to top up with cheap Spanish brandy, I came across a museum to those republicans who crossed into France to flee Franco. There are photos of them crowding across the border at nearby Perthus. What really surprised me about the civil war was Franco's subsequent vindictiveness. There was no forgive and forget. He hounded remaining republicans to their deaths.

Clair, I haven't looked up the links you provided, but I assume they are horror stories of people mutilating themselves with chainsaws. I know how to use an chainsaw and I use it carefully - and with, I can assure you, a high regard for my own safety. I believe this to be a better reproach than reliance on body armour. There are people who should never be allowed near a chainsaw, just as there are people who should never be allowed a driving licence. My original post was tongue-in-cheek; if other people want to arm themselves to the teeth before cutting up logs they are entitled to do so, but other posters have characterized me as some sort of mindless idiot. There is a man who lives a few streets away from me whose hobby is climbing skyscrapers without ropes, helmets, or any safety equipment. (there was a programme about him recently on the BBC). Half the world tut-tuts at him and wants him locked away, the other half applauds his nerve. I am among the latter. And I doubt if he has keflar trousers.

I've never worn any special clothing when using a chainsaw, and the grimpeur and elageur who took down several large trees for me didn't wear any either. I'm sceptical about what kind of clothing would protect you from a chainsaw going full blast, and I think it probable that you would be more likely to make an arror when padded, gloved, earmuffed and goggled. Of course chainsaw companies will sell you lots of "protective" clothing. I am sure that in the UK the Health & Safety people will soon turn their attention to chainsaws, and you will be able to use them only having undergone a month's training and be accompanied by two paramedics. Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first drive mad.

What are "chainsaw trousers"? And "helmet, gloves, etc?" Are you a man or a mouse? Squeak up!

If you stay inside for another six weeks you will avoid having to buy the pompiers' calendar, the facteurs' calendar etc etc. Have you got anough sweets to last out?

"Blair gets an unequivocal NO from me, the man is a creep with blood soaked hands" Chris, he's not as good as that...

Today: "Blair hopes of European Presidency sinking fast." Not all bad news, then...

I want to send a cheque drawn on my Credit Ag account here to a relative in Dublin. It is a euro-to-euro transaction. I assume there will ne no problems about this. Does anyone know if it will attract enormous charges, either to my account of the payees?

I wish he'd eat something that would improve his eyesight. He never sees fouls by his own side, but is raging at the ref whenever an Arsenal player stubs his toe. The only one worse than him is Sir Alex Ferguson. Did you see his dance of fury on the touchline yesterday? I suppose he eats haggis.

Britain is full of entrepreneurs, Wooly B. They are called bankers, and they have recently reduced the country to bankruptcy.

...and these people have the biggest nuclear arsenal in the world in their control...

I'm not sure your information is accurate. There is cross-party indignation at what is seen as retrospective rule-changing, and it is highly improbable that Sir Wotshisname Legge's demands are legally enforceable. Imagine that you are given an expenses account: everything you submit is approved, and then several years later you are told to repay it. The real issue is that MPs salaries are hopelessly disproportionate to the importance of their jobs, and rather than risk the sneers of the media by increasing them, successive governments winked at the misuse of the expenses system. What is really worrying is the damage this is doing to democracy. We need representatives who are properly remunerated for the jobs they do. Perhaps the "Daily Telegraph" journalists, most of whom would not get out of bed for the salary an MP gets, might make this their next campaign. But I doubt it.

As a previous poster pointed out, any referendum will be about the Lisbon treaty, not membership of the EU. Not even Thatcher, who was a swivel-eyed europhobe, proposed leaving the EU. As I understand it, the Conservatives are happy for Britain to be in a trading partnership, but will not accept any widening of the EU's role - no United States of Europe, for example. Most of Britain's trade is with our EU partners. Leaving would not make any economic sense. Anyway, for as long as I can remember, British foreign policy has been made in Washington, and the Americans want us to stay. Nuff said.

Winston Churchill once said that five minute's conversation with the average voter made him despair of democracy, and, reading most of these comments, I can see what he meant.

I have a tank of heating oil in my cave, inherited from the previous owner. Is this the same as car diesel, and could I use it in my car? I realise that it's highly illegal to do so, and I would deservedly be dragged off to Madame la Guillotine, so treat it as an innocent scientific enquiry. (I have installed a wood-pellet stove, and so don't need this oil).

The QM was made into a totem in the latter part of her life, largely through the efforts of the "Mail" and "Telegraph". What she was or wasn't like, or what she did or didn't do wasn't important. She became the focus of a set of beliefs and attitudes - dislike and distrust of foreigners, a Thatcherite-type conservatism, and strong beliefs in monarchy, aristocracy and a class system. Working people, for example, were the salt of the earth so as they knew their place and didn't join trades unions. As Marx said, it's not what you believe that determines how you live, it's how you live that determines what you believe. I thought the treacle-and-clotted cream industry had died along with the QM, but I notice from last week's "Telegraph" that it's been revived. Passez le sac de vomissement!

When they have finished the tree stump, they will move on in search of other food. They send scouts out underground to forage for fresh sources. It could be a long time before they reach your house. Incidentally, the queen can fly- she flies in May or thereabouts to found a new nest.