Trouble at the Bank?

[Quillan]

LAST EDITED ON 05-May-04 AT 03:02 PM (BST)

LAST EDITED ON 05-May-04 AT 03:01PM (BST)

If you have problems with bouncing cheques you might like to use the following letter.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have lapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account 30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous life?

Your humble Client
(Place signature here)


Chris

http://www.chambresdhote.com
http://perso.wanadoo.fr/easybook-france/

[opas]

ooh trouble at the mill then?!

[Penny29]

Wickedly funny - thanks for making me laugh during this rainy, dismal evening.

Penny (I request my bank to contact me via a Call Centre in the Far East)

[Val_2]

I enjoyed this. On another note, our local CMB has just installed a state of the art machine which pays in your cheques for you so the cashier has less people waiting. Someone sent us a Nat West cheque and the machine spat it out again and again. Apparently it does not recognise foreign cheques, only french ones.The funny thing was that I was the first person in the bank as they had finished installing it and they used me as a guinea pig in front of other customers. I felt so embarressed.

[SaligoBay]

Nice one, Quillan

Are you with the BNP too then?

[Raybell]

Shame on that nasty old bank for not cashing a check with no money in the account to cover it! If I were the plumber I would really be anxious to come and do work for you again.

Ray

[Piprob]

Yes, and I bet it took several hours/days for the credit to reach your account - to clear through the banking fraternity's "lets all get as much free interest as possible on his money" period.

Rob
PS. I bet it made you feel better drafting that little missile!

[Liz]

LOL, now can we have this translated into French please .

There was a programme on BBC TV last night about UK banks and their errant ways. My immediate response on reading the printed description of the programme was 'you ain't seen nothing yet'. In comparison with French ones UK banks are wonderful.

Liz (29)

[Roberto]

Hello Chris--- I enjoyed your writeup of the Form letter to the bank. It appears you should have put in a lot of effort & time to compose the same.... by the way, what is the line of your work... I mean making a living, I hope it is not by composing humourous but simple letters of communication that will defintely be "talk of the town"... Good luck keep up the good work Roberto (in USA) Friday 7 May 2004