"Dear Producer......." an open letter to makeover show makers

[La Sansonniere]

I would like to apply for a total makeover on my Normandy property.

I would like a local estate agent to come around and be filmed with a clipboard muttering under his breath as he gets stuck up to his ankles in mud and cow pat before declaring that the house is worthless and should be condemmed

I would then like to be filmed at the front door arriving back after a weekend away, to be greeted by a B list celebrity who would surprise me (it would be a surprise trust me.. (The front door and the wall it was fitted to fell over 2yrs ago)

I could easily show mock surprise and delight as I was shown the new front wall, back wall, gable end and roof. I wouldn't even care if it actually took you a couple of weeks and was edited to look like 2days work.

If I also ended up with windows, any form of electrics, a water supply (I don't even expect a fosse) and a new staircase leading to a new first floor, it would be a bonus. I'll buy my own furniture .. or is that included?

I could provide all the "Before" photos... I've been taking them for 4 years. I haven't got any "After" photos yet as I usually just go to the house and stare at it before bursting out in hysterical laughter

For visuals, there is a hornets nest the size of a double wardrobe in what was the kitchen and the 2 remaining beams in the property have so much woodworm it looks like Stevie Wonder has had a dartboard fitted to them

This would all make great television. Imagine the scene.. 24 workmen all crowding round the kettle in my two berth caravan P**sing themselves laughing at what I term my "Dream"

I once saw a program about some prat who got the telly people to completely fund his redevelopment costs by allowing it all to be filmed over a complete series. I reckon my "Series" could last longer than Coronation Street !!

Maybe I can have the fosse as well after all ??

If you want pictures let me know. they are all taken some distance away as the local maire has said i'm not allowed within 10mtrs of the building for safety reasons.. will that be a problem?

I look forward to hearing from you shortly

[RogerW]

Dear Sansonnière,

Thank you for your extremely interesting letter. We would be delighted to film your project with all expenses paid, but in order to make it a little more interesting for our reality-challenged viewers (and to stop them changing channels before the adverts), we would like you to agree to the following teeny little ‘dramatic’ enhancements:

1. The project is part funded by a Sikh postman and my friend Sandy who runs a bijou little ethnic restaurantlette in the King’s Road.

2. You find a builder who wears string vests and chain-smokes Gauloises. He tells you the entire house needs to be raised six feet off the ground to solve the damp problem and then runs off with all your money and an attractive mortgage advisor who just happens to be the estate agent’s sister.

3. Just when the house is finished, you discover that the perfidious French have sneaked in a requirement for ‘planning permission’ without telling you. The only way around this is to get elected mayor and grant the permission yourself.
4. The housewarming party is almost a non-starter as Sandy’s nibbles (don’t ask!) refuse to cook properly in your underpowered French oven. The French neighbours all leave in a huff when you serve Australian chardonnay and the evening ends in a blazing row (I hope your acting’s up to this !!!) when your turbanned ‘facteur’ demands his money back.

5. All is not lost, however, as you have got back at the builder by pulling his ex-girlfriend and she agrees to lend you the money based only on your blindingly original idea of converting the house into a 5-star gite complex and letting the rooms out to film crews making programmes about Brits renovating houses in France.

6. Just when everything seems alright at last, your ex-live-in-lover arrives unexpectedly from England … but we’ll save that for series two !!

I hope you don’t think this plot line is too ‘outré’. We have done something similar in the past and Channel Four just adored it!

I’m rather busy with another makeover show at the moment (you know, the one with that dishy guy with the sleeves !!!!), so we won’t be able to start filming for a year or so – unless that is you happen to have a liitle TV experience and would like to produce it yourself ???

Don't be a stranger !

Julian

Bona Productions

[opas]

That should be fine then...It`ll take a year or two for the appointed builder to arrive ! Mrs O

[Battypuss]

Dear Producer

The aforementioned project might be rather more than you budgeted for pour l'instant, so may I suggest an alternative?

You attempt to renovate a French Council flat (HLM).

Most of the walls are made of straw and bend alarmingly when you try and paper or paint them. They do have the advantage of being easily perforated - read with a biro - should you wish to run a TV aerial into a different room.

The solid walls are very solid. They're the only things holding the block up. Apart from the ones in the bathroom, of course where the sink was attached to a load of hollow cement blocks. The sink weighs about 20k. Go figure. It fell off the wall and, short of rebuilding the thing or injecting molten concrete, you will be on a loser.

Then there's the ceiling tiles. They fall off too, usually when one is cooking. They land in the soup.

Forgot to mention, the solid walls are coated with blotting paper, so painting is out of the question.

Suggestions on a postcard please.

[Ron Avery]

Great thread you lot, best laugh on the Forum for ages

Are you aware that the Postbag is also featuring the every day adventures of a Film producer humble english businessman trying to earn a nan bread in France