This one is best spoken with a Scots accent

[Motorhead]

Q:  Why do so many Polish immigrants work at furniture restoration  in  France.

 

A:   Because they're natural French Polishers.

[Missy]

[quote]Q: Why do so many Polish immigrants work at furniture restoration in France. A: Because they're natural French Polishers.[/quote]

Wonder what Cynthia Payne (as interpreted by Julie Walters in the film 'Personal Service') would make of this joke!!...

Very funny!!

[Chrissie]

The other (old) one that needs a Scots accent:

 

Q:What is the difference between Frank Sinatra and Walt Disney?

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A: Frank sings and Walt disnae.

Chrissie (81)

[SaligoBay]

And some even older ones (is anyone researching the geological age of these jokes?).......

Did you hear about the lonely Scottish prisoner?

He was in his cell.  

 

Two cows in a field, how do you know which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.   

 

 

[Motorhead]

 Last year, there was a particularly small and stunted cauf in a field beside the road into the next village. I called her vacance for that very reason although the locals seemed to think it was something about no chance of becoming a vache.

[Gitane]

This sound best in a French accent

Subject: Quasimodo

 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of  Notre Dame
sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up
to the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants he decided to call it a day when, an

armless man approached him and said he was there to apply
for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a
beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment; convinced he had found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....

WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist,
the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the
brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing
me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to audition him, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and dead on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second
tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is
the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name,"sighed the distraught bishop, but............."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HE"S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER"...

 

Sorry  Jerry Atrick.

[Missy]

[quote]This sound best in a French accent Subject: Quasimodo After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell[/quote]

French accent or not!!!

Well done! I've got stitches!! It certainly help to start the day at the office!!!

More please!!!

[Will]

OK, another very old and even more politically incorrect one:

Once upon a time in a the forest, there lived an orphaned rabbit and an orphaned snake.  By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the rabbit was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the rabbit tripped over the snake and fell over. 

"Oh, dear," said the rabbit, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.  I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake.  "Actually, my story is the same as yours.  I, too, have been blind since birth, and never knew my mother.  Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the rabbit.  So the snake slithered all over the rabbit, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you," cried the rabbit, then suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you in the same way that you helped me."

So the rabbit felt the snake all over, and said,

"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a Frenchman".

[Will]

To redress the balance a bit, some things the French say about the English:

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody else gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

An Englishman asked a Frenchman to show him the biggest building in the town. "There it is" said Pierre, "now isn't that a fine edifice?"
"Is that really your biggest building?" asked the Englishman. "In England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that"
"I'm not surprised," said the Frenchman,"that's the town lunatic asylum."

Have you heard about the thrill seeking Englishman?  He ate his After Eight mints at 7.30

What's the difference between an Englishman and his photograph? The photograph is fully developed

Never ask a foreigner where he is from.  If he is not English he will tell you what nationality he is, and if he is English, why embarrass him?

[Gitane]

[quote]French accent or not!!!Well done! I've got stitches!! It certainly help to start the day at the office!!!More please!!![/quote]

Try this one in CANARD.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

 The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

 "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

 "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

 "I see your ears are working," says the duck,

 "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 "Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don' get many

ducks in this pub.  What are you doing round this way?"

 "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

 So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

 This continues for 2 weeks.

 Then one day the circus comes to town.

 The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;

 "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant

 in your circus -  he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

 "Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

 So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.

 The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job.

 Paying really good money!"

 "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

 "At the circus" says the landlord.

 "The circus?" the duck enquires.

 That's right," replies the landlord.

 "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals?

With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.

 "That's right!" says the landlord.

 The duck looks confused.

 "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"

Jerry Atrick.

[Gitane]

[quote]To redress the balance a bit, some things the French say about the English: They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody else gets it, the second a week later wh...[/quote]

un-dressing the balance

 

An Irish man appears on “Mastermind” and sits in the chair.

The lights fade, and he is illuminated by the spot light.

His chosen special subject is announced as:-

“Ireland. The Easter Rising, and the War of Independence 1916 to 1921.

Start the clock says the questioner.

1^st. question:-  Name one of the leaders of the Easter Rising of 1916?

“PASS”

Name the IRA leader who led the fight against the British

before agreeing to partition?”

“PASS”

Name the First president of the Irish Free State?

“PASS”

And a voice shouts out from the audience.

  

---

More sharing options...

[Gitane]

[quote]OK, another very old and even more politically incorrect one: Once upon a time in a the forest, there lived an orphaned rabbit and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind fr...[/quote]

Another "furie" one.

>> A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
>> sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth,

    'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?'

 As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's 
  on her level and  asks,

 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like
>> that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
>> She, in turn, blushes, >>rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
>> leans forward and  says, in a soft voice,

 'I don't think my python givth a thit.'

Jerry Atrick.

[Gitane]

[quote]Another "furie" one. >> A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the >> sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdl...[/quote]

What do the French have for breakfast?

                                      Subject: Porridge

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars, as
big bears often do.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

 "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
  It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

 It was Mummy Bear who woke up everybody else in the house.

 It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night

     and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air

     to fetch the newspaper and the wood for the fire.

 It was Mummy Bear who set the table.

 It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box

     and filled the cat's water & food dish.

 And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me