Colonoscopy Journal! have a laugh!!

[thehydes]

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle... There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Had be in tears

Richard

[Russethouse]

When I vieweed this post in the 'Active ' list it was just above a thread titled 'Oh Bottoms'

[:D][:D][:D][:D]

[Théière]

Well it wasn't funny, I didn't laugh, it wasn't accurate and more importantly it will not encourage people to have the examination which may save their lives.

[JohnRoss]

In fact as someone who has one every few years as I have Crohn's I have to say that in detail it was accurate if you allow for artistic licence. The point is that here in France they do put you out, unlike the UK and I could tell you stories about that but I won't, and having had them in both countries I know where I want my next one. In fact without a general it is just very uncomfortable if you are already sore up there! With a general, as the poster suggests, walk in the park. The goo you have to drink first is the worst part of it but apart from that no need to get stressed just lie back and think of England or wherever and you are right it does save lives!................................JR

PS Parts of it were funny but you have to have been there!

[AnOther]

Great way to start the day, a good belly laugh. As serious a subject as it is it's good to be able to retain a sense of humour.

I might consider penning a similar piece in relation to a flexible cystoscopy (for the uninitiated that's basically the same instrument up the other end [blink])

Until then if anyone out there is facing having one and would like to hear about the procedure from a veteran feel free to PM me.

[JohnRoss]

Great idea and don't forget to mention the giant clothes peg they put on to retain the anaesthetic gel [:'(] ...........JR

[Théière]

Well I would rather have a colonoscopy than sit through an episode of Big brother! [:)]

[JohnRoss]

My feelings exactly!....................JR

[AnOther]

[quote user="JohnRoss"]Great idea and don't forget to mention the giant clothes peg they put on to retain the anaesthetic gel [:'(] ...........JR[/quote]Giant clothes peg [:-))]

Your urologist must employ a very different procedure to mine and it sounds like my decision to continue with my UK specialist was the right one !

[JohnRoss]

Well I said clothes peg but maybe a bit more like a giant bulldog clip in plastic and did not hurt that much most of the time!....JR

[Russethouse]

When I had my procedure (in the UK) I watched it on screen which I found re assuring

[Théière]

[quote user="Russethouse"]
When I had my procedure (in the UK) I watched it on screen which I found re assuring
[/quote]

Who doesn't like looking up old friends [:)]

[JohnRoss]

Mmmm! Hello Sailor.................JR

[krusty]

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v247/maggiskypoo/Random/Colonoscopy.jpg[/IMG]

[AnOther]

I've had the pleasure about 10 times now but still have no idea what JR's 'giant clothes peg/bulldog clip' is for (or could be).

[woolybanana]

clearly you enjoy it Ernie. Maybe it is to put over the nose, or the ....... hmmmmm.[6]

[JohnRoss]

Well I will tell you. The jolly old matron fills up the little old man right to the brim by pumping in numbweed gel and then puts the big clip thing on to stop naughty leaks. When the nice doctor approaches with his magic camera wand the clip is removed and the shoving starts.

Cannot match your score as only had this done twice due to a covesical fistula, once before and once sometime after surgery to remove part of the colon. I can think of better ways to spend an afternoon!..............JR 

http://healer.wikidot.com/books:plants#toc61    with apologies to Anne McCaffrey 

[AnOther]

Different to my experience then, the numbweed gel is administered by the surgeon himself and works virtually instantly so is followed almost immediately by the camera.

Sorry if we've made your toes curl chaps [:D][:D][:D]

[bubbles]

Am hiding this thread from Mr. Bubbles.

He is due for a coloscopie this year and is trying not to think about it just yet.

The last one he had was here in France five years ago. He was out of my sight for about 18 minutes and during that time was rendered unconscious, had the procedure completed and regained consciousness completely. He wasn't even dopey - well no worse than usual. Magic.