What do you say when there is no hope?

[Rose]

Hello lovely people

I learned today that a friend in the UK is terminally ill and has just a couple of months left.  She's been ill for a year and only just let people know.  She's not a 'best' friend but she is a lady that always has a kind word and is just a lovely person. 

I was thinking of writing to her - there is little I can do to help in France but I feel sad for her as her husband died a few years ago and she has no children.  Having said this she has some wonderful friends who are supporting her.

I'm struggling to think of  what to write, I dont know if she has any faith.  Have any of you faced this situation before?  Any advice would be most welcome.

[Gemonimo]

Rose this must be very difficult for you and even more difficult for your friend.You ask whether anyone of the forum has faced this situation before and I can say that I have.  It was last year just as I began my Camino with Sweets and it gnawed away for several weeks until I got back home.  I tried writing letters but somehow everything came out upside down and back to front and I didn't see how my feeble attempt at sympathy could have any effect and it's difficult to be upbeat when you know there is no hope.  In the end I telephoned and let my friend talk. She talked about her family, her illness and was selfless enough to ask after my life; in fact, she wanted to talk and I was happy that I had lifted the phone which was harder than lifting a pen but was so much more worthwhile. We spoke when she was in the hospital just six days before she died and she was so happy to be able to talk openly about her fears and worries and not having to put on a 'front' as she had to do with everyone who visited her. The 800k which separated us helped her unload a lot of baggage and I felt humbled by the experience.

I guess that if you feel writing is the best way to be in touch, then writing the sort of letter you would like to receive if it were you who were ill is probably a good starting point. It's not a happy moment for you and I know how difficul it must be. Courage, Rose, I know you will find the right words.

[suein56]

[quote user="Rose"]I'm struggling to think of  what to write, I dont know if she has any faith.  Have any of you faced this situation before?  Any advice would be most welcome. [/quote]

Almost, but not quite. My mum's closest friend - and therefore a great family friend - was in much the same situation. Mum just carried on as normally as possible, visiting her friend often at home (friend discharged from hospital to die at home - this was 1980) and I (and my 2 children) visited as and when we could though my married home was a long way away. From home I wrote to Mo saying I cannot now remember what ... but I was told  after her death that the letters I had written were much appreciated.

Perhaps just say you are thinking of her, wish you could visit her. Describe normal things happening in your life and finally wish her well.

Good luck.

Sue

[Cendrillon]

Rose, think of it as a chance to say "goodbye".

 Tell your friend what you have liked about her / knowing her / remind her about times you spent together / how she has been an important person in you life and how she will be missed.  You can always finish with " I just want you to know that even though I am not able to visit you, you are very much in my thoughts" or something similar.

Afterwards will be too late so do it now while you still can.

Bon courage

[idun]

If you cannot think of too much to say, then have you thought about buying a card, in the UK I'd get a 'Thinking of You' card, so a pretty 'plain' one in France and just a little note saying that you are thinking of her and  hope that she is comfortable and being well looked after, etc etc.

 

 

[5-element]

I would like to echo much of what Cendrillon said.

I tracked down a very old friend (from 40 years ago) last year, and we got back in touch. Within a few months, one of his sons sent me a note to say his father was terminally ill. I sent a card to my friend to say how sad I was that we hadn't had time to meet again, and expressing all that made him a special person in the days when we knew each other.  We were both very young then, just two friends in a group of others. He died very shortly after, and I received another note from the son (I never met any of my friends' children). It said that he was keen to tell me he had read my card out to his father (who was too ill by then, to read it himself), and how much they had appreciated receiving it. I was then kept informed of all the funeral arrangements, and felt as if some contact had been made, albeit posthumously.

It really felt that was the right thing to do, to speak from the heart,  as it is not a time for platitudes.

Take a deep breath, Rose, and let your heart speak, you will find the right words, and your friend will know that.

[Rose]

Dear friends, thank you so much for these lovely replies... I must admit they brought a tear to my eye but they also made it clear how I should respond.

Late last night I emailed my friend - we communicate a great deal over the net so this seemed the most natural way for us.  I spoke openly about her illness and her time left and spoke of how much we all think of her... I tried to write in the same way that I would have always done. 

As I mentioned, she's not one of 'best' friends (I hope that doesn't sounds rude... it's not intended) but she is a lady that I've got to know over recent years and whom I like a great deal.  Anyway, this morning I had a reply... a very open letter and very touching and one where she has opened her heart and secrets to me.  She said how nice it was to be able to chat about things and not shy away from subjects like her funeral.  I think maybe because we're not close and I dont knew her family she has been able to talk to me in a way that she can't those closer to her?

We're planning to continue to email until  it's no longer possible for her and I feel glad that whilst I'm not there, I am able to do something that may help.

Thank you again for your kind words and for helping me do this

xx

[KathyF]

 

I've just caught up with this thread, Rose, and am so glad you wrote and that your friend was able to write openly in return. My experience of being with those terminally ill and dying is that they really need and appreciate being able to speak of what matters most to them and enabling your friend to do this is one of the biggest gifts you can give her in these last months of her life. So often families try to change the subject when difficult subjects like funerals are mentioned, partrly because they want to spare the ill person and partly to spare themselves having to acknowledge what they would rather deny - that the person they love is going to die very soon. Time is too short for this kind of evasion, so go on writing as long as you can and let her tell you what is on her heart.

[suein56]

[quote user="Rose"]  I think maybe because we're not close and I dont knew her family she has been able to talk to me in a way that she can't those closer to her?

We're planning to continue to email until  it's no longer possible for her and I feel glad that whilst I'm not there, I am able to do something that may help. [/quote]

IMHO you have taken the right approach to a delicate matter in a delicate situation. Continuing to communicate with your friend via email, as you have always done, is the right way for you.

Well done you.

Sue

[Loiseau]

But only when you are sure the patient is willing/wishing to talk about the finality...

It sounds as if you handled it magnificently, Rose, and it has been a real helo to your friend to be able to be open and honest about how she feels.

My stepson and his wife recently visited a dear friend of theirs in her late 40s who was terminally ill, and she in no way wanted to discuss her illness or impending death.  They were shocked to see this wonderful sparky girl looking so frail, but had to make sprightly conversation led by the patient.

So the best advice is to take your cue from the patient.

Angela

[Judith]

[quote user="Rose"] I spoke openly about her illness and her time left and spoke of how much we all think of her... I tried to write in the same way that I would have always done. 

xx

[/quote]

Sorry, I too have just caught up with this one .... this is just what you should have done - and you did do so.  You have already the seen the good results of this.  In my mind, honesty is always the best - you have have a good relationship her, you are sorry that she is so ill, and you will miss her.  In the meantime, how can I help ... is just what I would have said.  In theses situations, it is always best to write from the heart and just as you would always do, expressing your thoughts and your feelings.

You can see that you have had your answer - she is so  pleased to be able to talk "normally".

I wish we all had such good friends as you, Rose.

[Rose]

Almost 2 years ago I askeed you all for help with my friend... I said then we weren't the closest of friends but friends nonetheless and I just wanted to drop her a line to say I was thinking of her following the her diagnosis of terminal cancer.

Well - I did write and we wrote and wrote and wrote and then we wrote some more - we shared each others lives and secrets and she adopted me and said I was like the daugher she never had.  I flew to the UK on a few occasions to visit and was spoiled rotten.  I even visited with my husband and son (who she also adopted) and we had such a lovely time.  She asked me to call her mum and she called me her dear daugher - my other mum died many years ago so I was happy to be adopted.

Well... my dear lovely new mum fought a really hard battle and her 2 months turned into 2 years but sadly she died yesterday.

I am so very glad I sent that email and I feel very lucky to have had 2 glorious years of very close friendship with such a wonderful wonderful lady

[suein56]

[quote user="Rose"]I am so very glad I sent that email and I feel very lucky to have had 2 glorious years of very close friendship with such a wonderful wonderful lady

[/quote]

From the sound of it I bet your friend felt lucky to share those 2 years with you too.

Sue

[Gardengirl]

Rose, I think it's such a wonderful thing that your message turned your friendship into such a very close relationship, which has had such benefits for you both. You have some lovely memories of her to cherish.

[nectarine]

oh Rose, what a moving story. You were both very lucky to have found each other, and both benefitted. Cherish the good memories .

[mint]

Came in not long ago after a VERY long day out.

Rose, when you go on your camino, I promise you that you will have lots of time (hours, days, weeks) to reflect on this matter as you would others[kiss]

[Rose]

Thank you all for the kind words.  I agree with you all and I will very much treasure the memories.   I sent her another email... we've sent 100's over the last 2 years and I keep waiting for one to pop up from her.

Sweets - When I visited her we spent lots of time drinking tea in her little garden... so I've asked one of her friends to find me a pebble from the garden and I'll pop it into my rucksack and carry it with me.  I had talked to her about my walk and told her I wanted her to greet me in Santiago.

I've had something niggling me recently and as usual emailed her with my woes as she was the font of all knowledge.  She sent me an email on Monday telling me she had the solution but she had the nurse coming so when she had time she would tell me what to do... I'll never know what she was going to tell me now but maybe that in itself is the answer.

She was incredible... started working in the Lancashire Mills as a child, knocked over by a bus at 7... went deaf... spent a year in an iron lung... widowed twice... and so much more... but crikey she had a lot of friends and a lot of love. 

[mint]

Rose, there is a place about three-quarters of the way on the camino where you can leave pebbles or whatever as it's where people leave their problems behind.

I made a time capsule out of a little plastic container and left it there so maybe you will be able to leave her pebble there.

Also, I shall be emailing you soon as I am remembering something I have forgotten and which I know you'd like to hear about [:D]

alors, bon courage!