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Boules for foules

Swissbarry

By Swissbarry,
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Swissbarry Newbie

Swissbarry

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I thought I might try to raise the intellectual level on this site a bit by penning an insightful and penetrating article on French taxation law.  And then I thought, “Balls!”

 

Or rather, since I live in France, I thought “Boules”.  So I decided instead to lower the intellectual level by submitting a somewhat irreverent article about Boules.  Irreverent, because this is not a treatise for experts or afficionadios; instead, it aims to present the basic rules and niceties of the game in a way that will help British residents or holidaymakers to join in without making total fools of themselves.  So let’s begin.

 

Boules is a game played by Frenchmen with very heavy balls.  It is an extremely simple game.  Teams consist of either one, two or three players.  In teams of three, players use two balls each, while in teams of one or two they use three balls each.  The only other equipment needed is a measuring tape and an ample supply of alcohol.  Now wasn’t that easy?

 

Following a brief argument, one team throws the******honnet (a very small ball, about the size of a – well, a ball, actually!) a distance of between 6 and 10 metres.  This seemingly straightforward task usually proves impossible for the British, who invariably throw it too far or not far enough.  If that happens, you may choose either to kick it a bit further forward or backward, or else re-throw it, or else just brazen it out.

 

The team that throws the******honnet then throws their first ball, and tries to get it as close to the******honnet as possible.  The other team then does the same.  The team that ends up further from the******honnet then throws again, and continues to throw until they either use up all their balls or throw one which lands closest to the******honnet, at which point the other team gets to throw.  Thus, whichever team is closest to the******honnet at any one time simply watches while the other team throws.  Amazing, isn’t it!   

 

Within a team, the players may choose whose turn it is to throw.  They may take alternate throws, or one player may throw two or all of his balls before the other throws.

 

When all the balls have been thrown, the team which is closest to the******honnet scores one point for each ball they have closer to the******honnet than the closest of their opponents’ balls.   Read this again and again until you understand it.  It is not beyond you.

 

Players then have an obligatory drink, and the winning teams gets to throw the******honnet for the next “end”.  This process is repeated until one team reaches the winning total of thirteen points, at which point everyone retires for several more obligatory drinks.

 

And that, really, is it.  But anyone who wishes to take the game seriously – God forbid – should be aware that there are many more rules designed to cover every possible contingency.  For instance:

 

  • your balls should really have their weight stamped on them (though British players seem curiously averse to this delightful custom and have sometimes to be physically held down to have it done)
  • your balls must not have any foreign bodies attached to them (so get rid of that Dutch tart before you play)
  • tampering with another chap’s balls is strictly forbidden
  • deliberately smashing your own ball into one of your opponent’s may seem extremely un-British, but the French – who tend to play boules like they drive their cars – consider it  a legitimate tactic.

Ladies, of course, do not usually have their own balls (except for those who come the North of England), and so must use those of either their husband or a close friend.  If any l

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Swissbarry Newbie

Swissbarry

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What on earth happened to my posting?  What's all this stupid *****onet?  The word I typed was******honnet, which is the correct French term for the jack, or small ball used in Boules.  Has my article been censored?  If so, why?  If not, why has it been changed, and by whom?

This is a very angry swissbarry here, thinking of taking his bat home.

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Alcazar Newbie

Alcazar

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Yep, I can go with that

You did miss out rule 1 though:

It is definitely NOT allowed that an Englishman, (or a Scot, an Irishman or a Welshman, in no particular order ) shall beat the resident French expert

In fact, so doing may be injurious to your health!

Alcazar

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Alcazar Newbie

Alcazar

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[quote]What on earth happened to my posting? What's all this stupid *****onet? The word I typed was******honnet, which is the correct French term for the jack, or small ball used in Boules. Has my article...[/quote]

Try typing it in again with spaces between some of the letters.

I went for ages being unable to type in Scunthorpe

Alcazar

 

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Swissbarry Newbie

Swissbarry

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Having re-read it, it's clear it has been censored, and several different words - mild expletives - replaced with asterisks.  Obviously, it has been done by someone without taste or literary awareness.  I am outraged and insulted, because this anonymous censor has arbitrarily decided that I am not sufficiently responsible to decide what is an is not acceptable on a forum such as this.  In fact, by replacing the mild expletives with asterisks, the censor has invited the possibility that readers will substitute their own, possibly stronger, expletives.

And presumably, this, this... person!! - has taken offence at "coch" - the first part of******honnet!!

 

Words fail me.  What a sad world we live in.  Goodbye.  If anyone agrees with me, please let your vices be heard.  I feel the need for an apology.

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Alcazar Newbie

Alcazar

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Chill..........I think it's done automatically

And can you see how annoying I found it at first, when my home town was censored along with Marseille and Arsenal?

Then you just have to see the funny side. It's not as if you don't HAVE a sense of humour, after all????

Alcazar

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Swissbarry Newbie

Swissbarry

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Thanks for the soothing words, Alcazar, but I'm afraid I still find it unacceptable.  In recent months we have seen the introduction of "moderators" on this forum, whose job it is to screen submissions for possible infringements of rules.  So why should be have to suffer for this daft automatic censorship: can't they be bothered to actually read the articles and make responsible decisions themselves? 

I object to my work being censored by a fellow human being.  I certainly object to it being censored by a machine!

Sincerely,

George

(Orwell)

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SaligoBay Newbie

SaligoBay

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Dear Mr Orwell,

You forgot the magnet!!   Some unfortunate individuals have difficulty in getting their hands on their balls after play is finished (that's after play, btw, not foreplay).   To get round this, they have a strong magnet on a piece of string.  You swing it in the general direction of the desired ball, to which it clings with a clunk, et voilà, you reel it in, and said ball should be sitting nicely in your hand.  Unless for some reason it's slippy, in which case you should probably use the polishing cloth.

     

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RayB Newbie

RayB

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[quote]Thanks for the soothing words, Alcazar, but I'm afraid I still find it unacceptable. In recent months we have seen the introduction of "moderators" on this forum, whose job it is to screen submission...[/quote]

Let's see if I understand this correctly . . . . The big diference between British men and French men is that French men are the ones with real balls! Right?

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Dick Smith Newbie

Dick Smith

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Back to the original topic for a moment. Did you know that in Boules (or more properly Petanque, I do love onomatopoeic games) they brought in special rules after WW1 for players who had lost legs?

"Les pieds doivent être à l'intérieur du cercle, ne pas mordre sur celui-ci, et ne doivent en sortir, ou quitter entièrement le sol, que lorsque la boule lancée a touché celui-ci. Aucune autre partie du corps ne doit toucher le sol à l'extérieur du cercle. Les mutilés d'un membre inférieur sont exceptionnellement autorisés à ne placer qu'un pieds à l'intérieur du cercle."

The rules also have a wonderful piece of French officialism:

"Avant le début d'une compétition, chaque joueur doit présenter sa licence. Il doit aussi la présenter sur demande de l'arbitre ou, en début de partie, à la demande de l'adversaire.

La licence doit être signée par le Président de la Société et par le titulaire. Elle doit être munie d'une photographie récente estampi- llée par le cachet de l'autorité qui l'a delivrée. Ce cachet doit obligatoirement chevaucher sur la licence. Cette dernière doit en outre comporter au verso le tampon de la Fédération ou d'une des subdivisions géographiqes qui lui sont rattachées.Elle doit aussi comporter la signature du titulaire.

Tout joueur dont la licence n'est pas en règle avec ces prescriptions est exclu de la compétition."

The whole jolly lot is at

http://www.discoverfrance.net/France/Sports/regle_petanque.shtml
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RayB Newbie

RayB

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[quote]Back to the original topic for a moment. Did you know that in Boules (or more properly Petanque, I do love onomatopoeic games) they brought in special rules after WW1 for players who had lost legs?"Le...[/quote]

Good stuff, Dick. Interesting. Thanks

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