OH ****!!!

[TWINKLE]

Please help I don't know what to do!

This morning I took my daughter to school and on the way back, about 2 kms from my house, I saw a little ginger and white kitten who'd been knocked down on the side of the road.  We have a 6 week old ginger and white kitten and my first thought as I drove past was "Oh, that's Kitty Witty (that's what I call her)!". 

A feeling of dread overcame me, but I starting thinking "It can't be, she's too young to have walked all this way -  it must be another kitten who looks just like her".  Anyway, I arrived home and immediately fed the cats, she wasn't around.  I got back into the car and went back to where I'd seen the kitten, stopped on the side of the road and got out to investigate.  The poor little thing was still warm and it was definately our kitten.  I moved her onto the grass verge and drove back crying the rain!

This is what I think must have happened.

  Last week my daughter came to the kitchen door with a grey kitten in her arms, she was laughing and explained to me that it was  Kitty Witty who had jumped up onto the tyre of our car which is parked in the drive.  She was covered in black car dust/oil or whatever it is that's on the underside of a car.  I think she must have been there this morning when I started the car and drove off to school.  I do actually stop for a few minutes across the road while we wait for my daughters cousin to get in the car, the poor kitten must have been petrified hanging on for its dear life.  She must have jumped off  2 kms up the road, and either I knocked her (cringe!) or an oncoming car did just after.

I'm devestated!  We just had her mum sterilised and the other three have been done after they all had litters.  I was happy knowing that this little one would be giving us another one next year as we always keep a female from the litter to carry on the line of my gorgeous Sooty who is 12 years old. 

What do I tell my 7 year old daughter?  The truth?  My husband suggests telling her that Kitty has disappeared, but it will break my heart to watch my daughter looking for her every day and hoping that she'll be coming home soon.

 

[JayJay]

[:'(] Oh Twinkle, I am so sorry, that's so sad!

For the reason you put, it'll break your heart watching her look for it. Wouldn't it be better to tell her the truth? Very hard, but better in the long run.

[PossumGirl]

Twinkle, how tragic!

I don't think you have any choice.  You have to tell your daughter that her kitten is dead. However, I don't think you have to give her the details. Just say that she appears to have gotten out and been hit by a car, end of story.  I don't believe that letting her know that she was killed because of hiding in the wheelbase of your vehicle will help either her or you!

Good luck.

PG

[Debra]

I'm chicken - and I have too lurid an imagination about what nightmares my kids may have about something!  I'm already imagining how it'll keep popping up in your mind, twinkle, and I don't envy you.   I'd probably lie and say she was so beautiful that someone must have pinched her, but at least if they wanted her that much they would give her a good life.  That's probably not the best advice, admittedly......

[Just Katie]

I am really sorry darling.  I know how much you adore your cats.  I heard that the best time to tell a child something like that is before a favourite tv programme or a trip to the park.

Your daughter is no mug, she will always remember you lying to her if she catches you out.

Losing pets prepare children in coping with death.  If you tell her the kitten has run away she may wonder why.  "Perhaps she did not like us?"

Twinks, if it is any consolation, although ginger females are rare, I think are in fact sterile.  I don't know for sure, perhaps someone more expert can confirm this.

Nice to see you anyway. X 

[ali-cat]

Twinkle, I'm so sorry to hear about your kitten.  Whatever you do - don't blame yourself.  It may not have happened how you think - & even if it did, it was an accident & you could have done nothing about it.  I know that kittens/cats have a habit of climbing onto car engins - there is no way of stopping something like that happening.

I'd tell your daughter the truth about the kitten being dead.  Decide yourself how you think she would take it best.  Just telling her you found it on the road, would possibly be the best thing.  I think KKK's suggestion of doing it before a favourite programme, or a lovely trip out, is an excellent idea.

I'm no expert on cats - but I have heard, as well, that ginger females are sterile, so the line would probably have stopped with this little one anyway.  It's not much help - but hopefully it's one less thing, to have on your mind. 

My heart is breaking for you.  You know what I'm like - & I know how you feel.  [:(]

Ali xxx

[Tresco]

Sad story Twinkle.[:(]

I was in a similar situation once. I stayed as close to the truth as possible, without allowing for the possibility of being blamed forever.

My son was the same age as your daughter. He was upset, but not half as upset as he would have been if he knew about my role in the matter.

I knew he would want to see the dead kitten. I had wrapped it up in a blanket, so you could just see it's head, and put it in a box. It is quite clear to a child of that age when something is lifeless/dead, rather than 'asleep'.  

We had a little  'funeral', and he was fine. Be prepared for the 'where is s/he now?' questions.

If  I remember rightly, I was a lot more upset than he was, even though he adored this kitten.

[Pads]

Im so sorry twinkle.

I went through a simular thing when i was a child but my mum and dad never told me  i spend months looking for him until my sister told me, Im 46 now and i have never forgiven them ,( at the time he was my best friend) that i wasnt allowed to bury him and say good bye, and pick some flowers for him, so my advise is tell her and make the burial pretty with flowers and a nice blanket for her to sleep in. in a nice part of  the garden where she can sit and talk to her until the pain goes away. Its important to say goodbye. plus all the stuff ali and kkk said. let us know how it goes  all my love.

sorry about the typing but i cant see through all my tears, and i have muddy hands from the garden which im wiping my face with so i guess i look real pretty right know 

[Just Katie]

Quite right Tresc,  You will be far more upset than your daughter.  You are heartbroken for both of them.  When my children lost their pets they seem forget within a day at that age.  Of course you have the odd question. 

Go and check out Possumgirls clever website.  You and your baby will love it.  Have a play about with it on your own first, then show your daughter.  It could be some use to you.

Ooops sorry Pads, didnt mean to talk over you, just posted the same time.

[TWINKLE]

Thank-you everyone for your lovely kind replies.

I want to show her the kitten before giving it a little funeral, but the poor things head is all crushed and caved in, don't you think this will freak her out?

[Just Katie]

Well at least it will teach her what damage a car can do. 

 I dont think anybody can answer that question.  You know your child and every descision I have seen you make has been the best one. 

If you want my advice, I think it is best to warn her and let her decide.  I think she is strong enough to make that descision

[Tresco]

Twinkle. Tell her the kittens head got badly hurt. Wrap the kitten up loosely in a little blanket, so it is easy for you to open it either a lot, or a little, depending on how your daughter reacts. 

Ask your daughter if she wants to look once last time. She may want to, she may not.

She may  ask to see the whole kitten, or just to see one little paw, or not. Give her the choice, as to whether to see the whole kitten, but don't dwell on any of it.

Honestly, I truly believe it is worse for you than it will be for her.

Good luck.

Edit: Katie and I sais about the same thing, but you'll know what to do. Just don't spin it out too long.

[Pads]

as above

[Coco]

So sorry to hear this Twinkle.  It's absolutely agonising when you lose a pet.  As Katie says, you know your own child best; personally, if the head's caved in I wouldn't show it to her - that's how she'll always remember it.  My mum's cat went missing several years ago and my husband and I found her on the side of the road - sounds like a similar injury - her head was crushed and her eyes had popped out (sorry to anyone squeamish).  We took her home so that mum could bury her in the garden and she wanted to see her but we said we thought it would be best if she didn't.  I know it's easier to explain to a 60 year old that they may be better having the nice memories, a 7 year old is likely to ask a lot more questions about WHY she can't see the kitten but that would be my choice.  I'd have the little funeral though.

[TWINKLE]

I've managed to hide most of the damage with it's paws.  The thing is I'm leaving soon to go to work and my husband is working to-night too, we won't see our daughter 'til tomorrow afternoon.  It's so hot I'm afraid the kitten will be smelly and so I thought I could put it in the fridge!  Oh **** this is awful, I can't stop crying and the mother is crying at the door now!

Shall I put her in the fridge 'til tomorrow?

[bigyellowcrayon]

Tell her that her kitten has been run over, then you can reinforce safety message to your daughter then hold kitten funeral this allows the kids to get some closure, I must have conducted 100s of hamster, mice ,gerbil, goldfish funerals over the years and it does seem to help the kids.

[Tresco]

[quote user="TWINKLE"]

Shall I put her in the fridge 'til tomorrow?

[/quote]

Yes, if that's what it takes. Is your daughter staying elsewhere though? What a horrible situation. [:(]

[TWINKLE]

Yes, she's staying with friends and won't be back 'til tomorrow afternoon.

I'm leaving now, thank-you all - I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

[Christine Animal]

Yes, (just seen this) put her in the fridge Twinkle.  I would say as Pads and everyone above, let your daughter face the situation, so she can accept it, but not be traumatised.  Very difficult.  But after all, when we are brought up with teddy bears and softy niceties, we have a shock when we grow up and face real life, so it's perhaps better if they are prepared in a natural sort of way, that this kind of thing can happen and that all we can do is try to accept it and try to do our best in the future.

Very sorry Twinkle, I have lived through the loss of cats like this in the beginning, as I have already said, that's why they do not go out anymore, except for an enclosed run.  That's a choice, some people say let them have their life, even if short, but I prefer the security (and so do the cats, as if they get out by accident, they just try to get back in).

What a sad day for you.

 

 

 

[Debra]

See - I just knew my advice was wrong - must remember all this when we finally get around to having pets for our lot!  Hope it goes ok twinkle. 

[Catalpa]

Twinkle, I'm also very sorry about the loss of the kitten and the difficult situation you're in.

Please do what the majority are suggesting and tell your daughter the truth - but be definitely be economical with the details. I'm not suggesting that this did happen but... if your daughter was very amused by the scruffy kitten after it finished playing under the car, she could (only could, just possibly) have encouraged the kitten to play there again afterwards? In the unlikely event that was the case and she is told how you think the kitten died, she'd then blame herself.

A plea to any parents: don't tell a child that a pet has disappeared / gone to a better home / some nice people took her who loved him / her... haven't you read any kids' stories where pets end up in dreadful homes and go through hell trying to get back to their original owners? Awful idea. (Apologies to whoever suggested it [:)]). A known end is better than having doubt or hope - when the reality is, there isn't any of either.

Twinkle, you will be - and continue to be - much more upset than your daughter. Try to be matter of fact when you tell her. Children are survival organisms and get over most things like this surprisingly quickly. They often don't dwell on these things unless adults do.

Funerals are a good thing.

If a brief stay in the fridge is what it takes, do it. On the other hand, a photo of kitty carefully wrapped up might also be sufficient evidence for your daughter - if you've got a digital camera. Not one for long-term residence in the family album though.

[hastobe]

Twinkle I really feel for you - we have had and lost several pets over the years and everyone has been heartbreaking.  I would agree with what has been said above - be honest with your little girl to the extent that you know she can handle it and let her have a funeral.  Funerals are never for the dead but for those left behind.  My kids have made posies, written and read aloud poems etc. We also bury bowls etc - even a copy of the poem they have written with the pet.  There something healing about saying goodbye and as someone else said, its a way children can learn, understand and come to terms with life and death.

Sending big hugs to you and your little girl

Kathie

 

[Debra]

[quote user="catalpa"]A plea to any parents: don't tell a child that a pet has disappeared / gone to a better home / some nice people took her who loved him / her... haven't you read any kids' stories where pets end up in dreadful homes and go through hell trying to get back to their original owners? Awful idea. (Apologies to whoever suggested it [:)]). A known end is better than having doubt or hope - when the reality is, there isn't any of either.[/quote]Twas me - it was my first thought and I knew it was the coward's way out when I typed it and said it probably wasn't the best advice.....(so why did I? goodness knows.....)

[Tresco]

Ahh Debra,

It was your first reaction, that's all. Perhaps you have never had anything like this happen.

I don't know, but don't worry about it. I bet you it (or something like it) was Twinkles first reaction, too!

Hindsight is a fabulous thing.[;-)]

[TWINKLE]

Hello everyone who's interested in the Kitty saga!

Okay, I picked up my daughter from our friends and just before we got into the car I told her that I had some bad news.  I sat her on my lap and gently said that there'd been an accident outside the house and that Kitty had got knocked down.  She looked at me, thumb in mouth and asked if she was dead, I said yes and held her close to me as the fact sunk in.  Then she sort of crumpled up and started sobbing.  Anyway, we cuddled and I told her that it all happened very quickly and that she didn't suffer (I know - cliché!) and I let her have a good old cry. I told her that she was wrapped up in the shed and that if she wanted to, she could say good-bye to her before burying her.  I then suggested we go the the shop in the village where I had some photo-copying to do and if she wanted she could have a little treat. 

Barbie to the rescue!!!

Anyway, I was filling in for a rock band last night (as you do[:-))]) and I told the musiciens my tale of woe.  The bass player (aren't they the best?) said that his cat had just had a litter of 5 kittens but they were all spoken for.  Later while we were having our meal he told me he'd called his neighbour and explained what had happened to me, and the guy said  "No problem, she can have our kitten, we'll find another one".  It's a ginger and white kitten - male - and he's 5 weeks old.

I told my daughter that if she wanted to we could have the little fella and she said yes please.  I'm hoping that  the mother cat - who's missing her baby terribly by the way- will take him on as her own and look after him.  The poor thing still has milk and she's all hard underneath.

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to let you all know. 

So, we get back from the village and as I'm unpacking the shopping, my daughter's outside talking to Rosemary - the kittens mum.  Next thing, she comes into the house crying.  Apparently, she wanted to see Kitty and went and investigated on her own.  She saw - and felt -  it all! (I'd taken her out of the fridge by now as I didn't want her to see that) and well.......there was no point trying to pretty it all up!  More cuddles and tears (I was very brave - not a teardrop in sight) and I just said that even though it hurt a lot right now, in a few days time she'd be able to think about Kitty again and remember the nice times they had together.

Thank-you all for your kind advice and lovely pms.  I know it's just a forum, but I do really believe that there are some amazingly kind and sweet folk out there.  I'm very touched and I hope that I will be of help to you lot in the future whenever you need it.