WAIFS 2010 (Women Alone In France)

[Bugsy]

[quote user="WAIFS 2010"] Sadly on this forum as is the norm it appears, the I am alright Jack brigade response is to mock anyone trying to help others less fortunate. [/quote]

That sentence is complete and utter rubbish. You post on a 'public' forum and you will get all manner of responses, some in support of your points, some in total opposition and everything in between, thats the 'nature of the beast'.

If you don't want people disagreeing with you, don't post, pretty simple.

As regards the OP, well take me, for example, I simply can't stand condescending bloody do-gooders swaggering around beaming with their 'badges' of superiority.

.

[woolybanana]

Another word might be suggested, though not an acronym, for people unfortunate enough to find themselves in this sad and unfortunate situation, having both a masculine and feminine form: dumpy or dumpie !

[Quillan]

I have been a member of this forum for about 10 years now. There have been hundreds of posts by people, including myself years ago, asking questions about moving to France and people in general get good honest advice.

Re-reading the article many of the problems that resulted in the male leaving and returning to the UK have been covered over the years. One of the comments in the article I noticed that popped up was "But within only a few weeks the realities of living in a new country, with a different language, began to hit home." and "Neither of us had been prepared for all the red tape surrounding running a business in France, and financially we began to suffer.", I could go on.

The two most common replies that people have got on this forum over the years has been rent for the first year to see how you cope with living in France (probably the best advice ever) and the other is about doing your homework. We have a section in our forum called "Earning a Living" which the guy who had problems with 'red tape' when trying to start up his business would have found most helpful and interesting. There is a section on schools with at least 2 posts by people who have had problems integrating their child/children in to the French system with some good suggestions by people who have experienced similar problems in the past. We are not the only forum that has this information, there's quite a few. What I am saying is that there has always been help and advice out there on the Internet from real people who have experienced real life in France warts and all and to some of us it's seems that these people did not do their homework. Living and earning a living in France is not easy. For some its quite a change especially if you have enjoyed the fruits of your earnings in the UK and they have been quite high (lots of holidays and a personal trainer at £600 a month) to find themselves in a position of having to account for every penny. Many people also have never experienced living 24/7 with there husband/partner and can find that quite stressful.

As for people on this forum being negative, I don't think so, most of the time people have a preconceived idea about living in France and forum members tell it how it is and that sometimes does not fit in with their ideas and so those offering advice are then seen as being negative. Better to find out about the problems before you sell up and make the move than afterwards, these three examples in the article are typical of what can happen if you don't. As I mentioned earlier there have been hundreds of posts over the years about moving to France and the cost of living and even though some members are repeating what they have said a hundred times before they still take time to answer the posts when really all the person had to do was a search on the forum. I don't see this as being unhelpful or negative. I also know that over the years quite a few people have taken time out to help others on a one to one basis including fellow forum members.

Finally, I agree with Wooly this is not just a man leaving a woman situation there are quite a few women who have 'dumped' their husband/partner and have returned to the UK so if you really want to do something helpful then you need to be unbiased and cater for both situations equally.

[woolybanana]

Quillan, you agreed with me at last after all these years, for which I shall give you a big sloppy kiss on the mouth and an intimate pat on the bum the next time I am down your day. You lucky man to have so much to look forward to![6][:P]

[just john]

[quote user="woolybanana"]Another word might be suggested, though not an acronym, for people unfortunate enough to find themselves in this sad and unfortunate situation, having both a masculine and feminine form: dumpy or dumpie ![/quote]

Wooly, you do surprise me, you of all people I thought would have offered succour to some fortunate WAIF[:P]

[mint]

Bugsy, Wools and JJ, what would I do without you lot giving me the first giggle of the day!

Everytime I think I'm going to spend less time on the Forum and spend more time doing something useful like cleaning the house or cooking lunch, I am tempted to STRAY from my clear line of duty and come here to read and laugh at the ridiculous things you post.[:D]

[woolybanana]

[quote user="just john "]

[quote user="woolybanana"]Another word might be suggested, though not an acronym, for people unfortunate enough to find themselves in this sad and unfortunate situation, having both a masculine and feminine form: dumpy or dumpie ![/quote]

Wooly, you do surprise me, you of all people I thought would have offered succour to some fortunate WAIF[:P]

[/quote]

My wallet does not extend to succour!!

[Quillan]

[quote user="woolybanana"]Quillan, you agreed with me at last after all these years, for which I shall give you a big sloppy kiss on the mouth and an intimate pat on the bum the next time I am down your day. You lucky man to have so much to look forward to![6][:P][/quote]

Hang on I'll go clean my teeth and have a rinse. [;-)]

[woolybanana]

Ooooohhhh, you know how to entice a man, you really do, Quillan! I do hope Normie isn't gonna be jealous 'cause he gets into huge strops if you don't stroke him the right way and throws his lollipops round the barrel and it takes weeks to get the sticky sweet bits off the floor.

[Panda]

[quote user="Keni "]I agree - however now what worries me for my friend is that having to come back to the UK she will have to start to fight for her benefits all over again surely, as she was resident in France for a couple of years. So she will lose the Child Benefit in France - which took 18 months to get and the housing benefit, which she has just got. We are supporting her though as much as we can and hope the Uk benefits lot look to her situation kindly![/quote]

Despite what gets printed in the popular press getting benefits is not easy and I would doubt her situation will be looked upon kindly.  Her best option is get work ASAP even for a few hours and then she is in the system and can get help to make up to a liveable income. 

Hopefully she will have family to help out in the UK at least and the chance of pursuing the fleeing husband for maintenance.

 

[Will]

Another point to add to Quillan's resumé is that internet resources like this one didn't exist when many of the longer-term users of this forum first got involved with France. We had to mostly find out for ourselves unless we had access to any of the comparatively few British people who were living and working in France full time - and then we didn't necessarily want to keep troubling them or live in their pockets.

I'm sure there were some who made the move and couldn't hack it, but we didn't tend to be faced with loads of public wailing when they got stuck. There's nothing wrong in trying things and finding they don't work; much better to do that than spend the rest of your life regretting not having done it. Just as for many of us, that particular adventure is coming to an end as we look for another challenge. That's not failure either.

In any relationship breakdown there are two sides to every story. The thing that irks me about the WAIFs thing, as it does with woolly and others, is that it criminalises the husband. Believe it or not, some of us males have made real efforts to be good husbands, even through failed marriages, and I have certainly known one wife who strayed from the faithful monogamous path (NOT the one who posts on here). I wouldn't mind betting that in some of the cases under discussion the marriages were not particularly sound before moving to France - maybe one or both of the partners felt that a new start would solve the inherent problems. Plenty of people bring their problems and baggage to France and seem surprised that a change of language and climate doesn't magic those problems away.

Having said that, I don't see that WAIFs, despite its 'poor me' name, can do any harm, and if people find themselves in need of such support then it's good to know that it exists. As long as it's not considered that the same approach suits everybody - and by effectively excluding half of its potential users WAIFs is in danger of being regarded in a different light from that originally intended.

[Gardener]

I have looked at the Waifs website and I would like to offer some hopefully, constructive criticsm.

Firstly, I don't think it portrays your organisation, business , charity in a good light when you use a large section on your opening pages to have a moan about forums where you feel that the response has been negative. I think it is unprofessional and unwarranted.

Who are you? women in need maylike to know a little more about who you are, why you are involved and what your qualifications are if relevant. They will be coming to you in a low point in their lives and your website seems angry.

The section about what every woman should have, IMO , is trite and again doesn't seem very professional, but makes the author appear (to me if no one else) as though she has an axe to grind with men and a little patronising.

The idea of waifs ( don't like the name either) is good in principal

[Russethouse]

 I first looked at the web site last week and looked again just now -  I'm glad Gardener posted because they are pretty much my thoughts but I would add that you  need someone to punctuate the text better and spell check the French and English. Also posting peoples comments in the way you have  it's hard to tell where one stops and the other starts, or indeed who's comments they are, this would be easily improved by just adding something underneath, not necessarily a name, maybe  just a department and status would do, ie 'Separated, Brittany' or 'Widowed, Vendee' ?

 I think you make a huge mistake alienating anglophone forums, this one  alone has given great to support to different campaigns, both in the changes to health care provision and currently to the DLA fight. In addition the forum has helped individuals with good solid advice on lots of occasions, far from passing by on the other side they have frequently provided solutions for all sorts of questions and situations.

Perhaps if the organisation took off the blinkers it appears to be wearing, it could use the forums and the various talents of its members to  its advantage

 BTW The name still 'stinks', and it looks as if I'm not the only one who thinks so [:'(] 

Just to get the ball rolling I'd suggest a change to WIFE, Women in France, Empowered [;-)]

[Panda]

It is it me or does this example of how to get your tax d'hab annuled seemed odd, I mean would you really say 'l'honneur' in this scenario?

J’ai l’honneur de chercher l’annulation de taxe d’habitiation de 2010

[Will]

I mostly agree with the above constructive comments about the blog site.

Most of all, though, surely it would be better to work with other resources for English people in France rather than sour a potentially good and useful relationship by such negative comments? (And I direct that comment to some users of this site just as much as to the WAIFs blog). This site in particular has built up a terrific bank of useful information and a sensible, pragmatic and honest support network.

We see on some other sites people who supposedly offer support for other English-speakers in their area, but the level of knowledge displayed in their postings is dreadful, to the point of being misleading and harmful if the advice was followed. Yet any corrections are deleted by the site admins because they are 'off topic'. Most people will know the sort of site I refer to. So it's particularly important for WAIFs to get things right in order to avoid being lumped into the same category. We can all get things wrong, I do as much as anybody, yet a first reading of the WAIFs site shows an apparent lack of knowledge of the distinction between an avocat and a notaire, and use of rather loose English translations which do not really correspond to the French terms. This doesn't engender confidence in a site that offers advice and support in a field where the legal position is important.

It's early days, and a lot to do. If WAIFs is to live up to the aim it has set itself, it will be a mammoth task. So please take constructive comments from forums like this on board, and try to work with us so that you don't spend all your time reinventing something that exists in places like this rather than doing what you obviously feel you need to do; i.e. offer support to needy women in France.

[gowmyl]

Hi,

I have looked at this website, and found some useful stuff. My own position is this: my partner of 20 odd years, our 14 year old son and I came to France 5 years ago to convert a barn and settle here. Unfortunately, I had been trying for all of that time to turn a blind eye to my partner's emotional abuse (yes I know, slow learner) which has recently escalated to the point where I realise the relationship can no longer be fixed. I am now in a bind in that although I have part-time work here and the partially renovated barn/home is in my name, I am unsure of my rights (not married) and afraid that if I ask my partner to leave, he will destroy the property rather than let me have it. ( I have reason to fear this). I think he may even try to take our son away, although it would certainly be against his (our child's) wishes. He has full time work, and a much better income than I. My French is improving but not good, and I don't know how to find out what I need to know. My partner has firm control of the bank account and a photographic memory regarding all transactions. Anybody got any helpful advice?

[gowmyl]

Don't worry about people who don't like the name. If you are a woman alone in France, the name is exactly right, and the inference is more ironic than insulting I think!

[cooperlola]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. 

I know I was one of those who criticised the name (I can't help myself - I upset somebody else on a similar subject just the other week!) but I nevertheless do have every sympathy for those who find themselves in your position - made far worse when one is still stuggling to change countries/learn a new language/understand the way the systems work etc, with all that that implies.  I don't know that I can help much with anything practical but I will say that there are some great women (and guys, but maybe they're not who you need right now?) on this forum and that alone makes it a place where you can come when you need a bit of moral support, if nothing else.

Would you feel confident enough in your ability to speek French, to visit a social worker or join a French group for women in your position?  If not, then I guess that is where WAIF will come in and be able to help you with the more practical aspects.

It might help us if we knew where you live (just a department number would do - I realise you cannot reveal anything more precise.)[:)]

[idun]

Well your boyfriend, (how I hate that word partner that means 'nothing', but less of that) cannot do anything with your son without your express say so, or a court judgement. IF he tries to take your son away without your consent, call the gendarmes immediately, it is an enlevement and under the Haig Convention he would be arrested and your son returned to you.

http://hcch.e-vision.nl/index_en.php?act=text.display&tid=21

http://www.incadat.com/

Incidentally the same applies to you too, you can not take your son from his home without his father's consent.

I think that in your position I would contact your local consualte and ask them exactly what to do with regards to possible 'taking' of a child from it's home.