kissing!!

[Cecilcaterpillar]

This is a really daft question....

what is the protocol with kissing? we've got to know some of our neighbours well enough to greet each other with kisses (4 required) but is it done every time we see them, at the start and end of the visit? what happens if we see them more than once in the same day, is the process repeated again? I assume that if we just saw them on the street for 2 mins we would give kisses once.

I apologise that this is even being asked it's just one of those french culture things that doesn't naturally happen with us english, and it seems to take forever to leave a group after everyone has kissed!! then again maybe I just need to relax into the lifestyle!

[Cat]

I know what you mean, I've been here 9 months now and still find it a bit tricky sometimes.

It doesn't help that it differs from region to region either!  But here in the Lot, the trick seems to be, a kiss on each cheek on meeting (but not a "real" kiss, it's more like making a kiss sound whilst touching your cheek against their's). Being a woman I get to kiss both the men and the women, whilst men seem to only kiss very close male friends, but all women friends. Otherwise it's a handshake for them.

If you meet someone on the street, or in a shop or bar, it doesn't seem necessary to kiss goodbye.  If you have been in someone's home, or they in your's (for a meal or visit) then kissing goodbye seems to be called for.

Round here it's only the first time you meet someone on any particular day that you kiss on meeting.

And as for which cheek to kiss first, I've never been able to work that one out, and often used to do a fair bit of nose-bumping whilst swooping in on the wrong side.  Then I read a post on here that suggested just holding still until the other person made a definite move for the favoured cheek, and that seems to do the trick.

[SaligoBay]

Kissing and handshaking should only be done on the first encounter of the day with each individual.

A second attempt means you've already forgotten the first one, and could lead the person to feel very unimportant and neglected.   Fortunately, most people aren't that sensitive or hidebound, so you just excuse yourself as a dopey forriner.   Always useful! 

It's 3 kisses round here, still don't know which side to start on.  I'd do a goodbye one if we'd been together for a while, but probably not just for a chance bumping-into in La Poste.

[Tourangelle]

Ah, kissing, so complicated and so French.

It can get ridiculous. Example: A French friend had having a small birthday bash which I attended arriving with another French friend with whom I had bought a small present and some flowers for the birthday girl. Bonsoir kiss kiss, we got you some flowers, kiss kiss, and here is the present, oh kiss kiss. And then again when we leave kiss kiss. And it is four here so it took some time. And really, my example was not unusual.

French people that I work with I wouldn't kiss every morning even if they were friends, but I would if I had been on holiday or hadn't seen them for a while. However I have seen in some companies that they do. Must lower productivity!

It is easy though, just do what they do and go with the flow

[Loiseau]

But don't make the mistake of going for Kiss No 3 with anybody upper-class!!

Accustomed to 4xkissing with my village neighbours and friends, I later became on kissing terms (social only, I assure you!) with the middle-aged son of a local landowner.  As I unthinkingly made a move for the third one, he grabbed my shoulders and held me at arm's length as if I had got the plague...

Angela (85 and UK)

[Mistral]

Down here it's only 2 kisses (relief) I used to be really neurotic about the whole thing, which cheek first, how many, who.... but I've come to realise that most french people get it wrong too from time to time and end up with their cheek held out expecting a third kiss that never comes or bump noses. it makes me feel better.

I now launch myself in, left cheek first (seems to be most common) and do two. If the other person is still going, we share sheepish smiles and I say "chez nous c'est deux" It seems to work.

I still have trouble with knowing who though....

[Coco]

Here in Manche it seems to be 3 or 4.  I asked a couple of French friends if there is a rule, ie perhaps family and close friends get 4 and everyone else 3, but of course, it's not that simple, they had no idea, "it's just what you feel like" but that gets a bit awkward if one of you feels like 3 and the other 4, there's lots of leaning forward into empty space.

Our most ridiculous kissing saga was back in January when we were invited to a meal at the salle de fetes because my husband had helped put the tents up at the mechoui back in the summer (any excuse it seems).  Anyway, there were 50 odd of us there and EVERYONE kissed everyone else, or men to men shook hands.  I felt absolutely knackered by the time I'd said hello - and I was absolutely gagging for a drink!!

[Patf]

Well, I'm glad to say that in our corner of the Gers not much kissing goes on. The dour Gascons maybe. Occasionally you see women friends or relatives giving a peck on each cheek, otherwise it's a handshake or smile. Kissing all and sundry is something I can't get used to. Except for the children of some friends who have been taught to kiss adult friends of their parents - very sweet! Reminds me of childhood family parties when, if you wanted to leave, you had to go round the room kissing everyone first. Pat. 

[cary]

I also wondered when and how many kisses etc!  Down at school i've been closely observing and they kiss once in the morning, then again at lunch time and then again at end of school.  They don't always kiss the same people, if at all!  Its a bit of a puzzle as there doesn't seem to be any pattern to it at all.  Still confused now as i was when i read through all the posts.  I think they kiss as and when they feel like it here in 22.

[Catalpa]

right cheek to right cheek - works with French friends anyway. If someone is facing you, their right is always opposite but matches your right so it works. No clashing noses.

One kiss if the person is a child... but we've never been able to figure out at what point the child suddenly graduates to junior adult and therefore 1+ kisses...

and then, as with Coco (which isn't surprising since we're in the same area) it is either 3 or 4 kisses and it seems quite random as to which. Recently, our neighbour (female, late 70s) kissed a good friend twice, me 3 times and another friend (don't know how good) 4 times. Aaaaagh. I try very hard to read body language and get it right... but I've stopped caring if I get it wrong.

[bizzer]

Hi Guys i TOO get confused with kissing I have friends living near to Paris and they kiss four times the men and the women---left cheek first--- when they meet in the morning and when they go off to bed or if they have spent an evening dining together.. In the Charente my friends there kiss three times again starting with the left cheek.. I do get really confused with my friends grandmother as everyone calls her mamie and I am not sure whether to use mamie or madame-- I would hate to offend the old dear!!Maybe I will have it all sorted by the time I retire (20 years away by the way)

Barry

[Jill<br><br>Jill (99)]

I've found it's partly regional and partly class. Our French friends in Normandy kiss 4 times, head to the right first, so left cheeks meet. We were discussing it with a French girl a few weeks ago and she said even she was never sure which side to go! I have noticed that the men in the Norman family seem to kiss you on the first side, and expect you to kiss on the second side, then they kiss on the third side and leave you to do it on the 4th side. Whereas with the women, it's not so clear to notice that aspect.

Friends in other areas go for 2 or 3 kisses, but the more bourgeois friends seem to go for 2 kisses - particularly Parisiens and personally, I've put this down to these being colder type people - not the people themselves but the general upbringing.

With our friends in Normandy, it is completely crazy. When the various sisters, husbands and children get together, it is OK on arrival, but when you gather to say goodbyes, you are frequently faced with someone saying "have I kissed you" and then they go for it again, just to make sure.

It's all very strange, as I would feel very uncomfortable kissing any members of my own family other than my husband and children, yet it feels perfectly natural to be kissing my friends, their husbands, children, parents when I'm in France or meeting them in England.

[Deimos]

I actually live close to the border between a 2 kiss region and a 4 kiss region. Where I live its 4 kisses, but next department (10 Km away) its two kisses. I have noticed that when (French) people from my department greet (French) people from the next department they often “get it wrong” (with one person going for a 3rd then 4th whilst the other person has stopped). Once I saw the locals “get it wrong” I gave up feeling embarrassed at any kissing mistakes I might make.

I have also noticed that people really do notice the number plate on your car and when e.g. at dog club in the next department (the 2 kiss “zone”) most people notice and ask if you are from the other department – related ?

Being a bloke, (and thus using handshakes until “invited” to greet with kisses) I have noticed that younger people seem to move from handshaking to kissing greeting far sooner than the older generation.

[YCCMB]

EEeargh! It's sooo confusing! Since I first lived in France in 1976 I've still never totally got the hang/understood/had a definitive answer from a French person on this whole issue. Since buying our house in the Charente-Maritime, my confusion has further intensified, as with the neighbours it seems to operate on a "2 kisses with the women, 4 with the men" basis. Haven't bumped noses with anyone for years, so I must've got the hang of that bit, but as for the rest, I think I'll just have to accept that there's no real logic to it!

Jane