Swissbarry Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 WHISTLE A HAPPY TUNE My wife can’t whistle. That’s not a criticism of her, oh goodness me no. It’s simply a dispassionate, totally non-judgemental observation, like saying she can’t speak Serbo-Croat, or pump iron, or fly. It doesn’t mean she’s not an absolutely wonderful and talented person in absolutely every other conceivable respect. No, not at all. So I hope that’s clear. Dear. But nevertheless she whistles. Because, you see, while she’s aware that she can’t speak Serbo-Croat, and is almost convinced she can’t fly, for some reason thinks she can whistle. So she does. And I’m not criticising her in the tiniest way, you understand. The trouble is, whenever she whistles, it makes me want to wee! No matter that I’ve just been to the toilet a few minutes ago and haven’t had a drink for several weeks, just one tiny trill is enough to get me going. In the waterworks department, that is. And here’s the bad part – she has become aware of the effect her whistling has on me, and is using it to make my life very difficult. She deliberately waits for the most inconvenient moment – just as I’m dozing off to sleep, or watching Beckham take a vital penalty, or nearing the front of a very long queue at Carrefour – and then launches into the shrill wheezing screech that is her version of whistling. Just so she can watch the result. I’m not even safe in church: the other week she decided in an evil moment to whistle the third verse of Onward Christian Soldiers. Most annoying of all is when I’m driving. And this brings me to the point of this article. I live in France, don’t I, so why should it matter if I need suddenly to have a wee on the outskirts of Limoges, or at the traffic lights in Nontron? I can just do what the French do, can’t I, and wee nonchalantly at the side of the road. Except it isn’t as easy as that. In the first place, being a man, I find I have to wee against something. It is a well known fact that men cannot wee directly onto the ground. Instead, we must find an object – a tree, a urinal, a wall, a boy scout, or whatever – so that we can wee against the side of it. I don’t know why this should be; it just is. So the first problem, if you’re a man, is that you have to move away from the safety of the car and find a tree, or a traffic cone, or a No Entry sign, or some such item. And even when you’ve done that, it’s still not easy. Because another well known fact is that British men cannot wee in public. The French make it look easy, I know, but take it from me, if I am to find some relief from the whistling-induced agony that Kath inflicts on me, I have to be unobserved. Now that’s alright if there’s a convenient bar handy, or a tent, or best of all a cave. But too often there is no such haven available, and one has therefore to go into the undergrowth. (Thankfully, living in the Dordogne, there is nearly always some undergrowth to go into. What would I do in Darlington?). But not too far into the undergrowth, for the deeper into undergrowth one goes, the more dangers that lurk! More sharing options... Battypuss Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 Having had an unpleasant encounter with a wild boar in the back garden while having a wee (we didn't have a loo and using the porta potti meant I had to empty it) I can fully sympathise.I was away with the fairies and heard a snuffling noise; thinking it to be one of the kids, I took no notice at first...then glanced over my shoulder.I had been planning on a pee. The situation was hastily revised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Cat Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 Swissbarry, shame on you!Another thing that we "women of a certain age" have to watch out for (in the wee-ing department) is not to dampen our undercarriages when overcome by an explosive laughing fit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... RayB Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 [quote]Swissbarry, shame on you! Another thing that we "women of a certain age" have to watch out for (in the wee-ing department) is not to dampen our undercarriages when overcome by an explosive laughing f...[/quote]Years ago, my wife and I used to cook a picnic breakfast at a quiet little ford near Wokingham. A family of swans would cruise nearby and it was idyllic early on a sunny, Sunday morning. On3 morning, just after eating, my wife was urgently overcome, with what we call in America, a case of 'Green Apple Qucksteps'.She grabbed the Kleenex and quietly slipped behind a hedge and 'assumed the position' with great haste. It was good that she had as a flock of about 50 Canadian Geese simultaneously took flight out of the grain field just a few feet in front of her.If she hadn't 'had-to' before, she certainly would have then! My hysterical laughter was of no assistance at all, she said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Llantony Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 Thanks swissbarry, that really made me laugh!You need therapy, did you have a whistling potty when you were a toddler? A French friend warned us it can be dangerous in the south west to nip into the woods for a pee. You could be shot if a farmer mistakes you for a truffle rustler. Judging by the prices in the truffle market we went to, I bet they do guard their truffles carefully (why does that sound smutty?).We women do suffer too. When wearing trousers (as I usually do) having a p*e means exposing the b*m and it's impossible to pull them up without standing up and becoming even more conspicous. Also can have a problem with wet feet and direction is difficult.I'm not being coy - I put the asterisks in because it's the 3rd time I've tried to post and thought perhaps there's a filter on (slighly) rude words.Llantony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... 2 weeks later... Loopy Lou Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Oh brilliant! A laugh a minute. I am sitting here with a stitch in my side and tears leaking from my eyes in the middle of an open-plan office. No fair!!Thank you for cheering me up so well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... bryansmith Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Hi Swissbarrywe have all been in similar difficult situation I'm sure but your wit and humour seem to make it almost bearable. Please keep on with the tales I laughed and laughed this morningthanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Please sign in to comment You will be able to leave a comment after signing in Sign In Now Share More sharing options... Followers 0
Battypuss Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 Having had an unpleasant encounter with a wild boar in the back garden while having a wee (we didn't have a loo and using the porta potti meant I had to empty it) I can fully sympathise.I was away with the fairies and heard a snuffling noise; thinking it to be one of the kids, I took no notice at first...then glanced over my shoulder.I had been planning on a pee. The situation was hastily revised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 Swissbarry, shame on you!Another thing that we "women of a certain age" have to watch out for (in the wee-ing department) is not to dampen our undercarriages when overcome by an explosive laughing fit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayB Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 [quote]Swissbarry, shame on you! Another thing that we "women of a certain age" have to watch out for (in the wee-ing department) is not to dampen our undercarriages when overcome by an explosive laughing f...[/quote]Years ago, my wife and I used to cook a picnic breakfast at a quiet little ford near Wokingham. A family of swans would cruise nearby and it was idyllic early on a sunny, Sunday morning. On3 morning, just after eating, my wife was urgently overcome, with what we call in America, a case of 'Green Apple Qucksteps'.She grabbed the Kleenex and quietly slipped behind a hedge and 'assumed the position' with great haste. It was good that she had as a flock of about 50 Canadian Geese simultaneously took flight out of the grain field just a few feet in front of her.If she hadn't 'had-to' before, she certainly would have then! My hysterical laughter was of no assistance at all, she said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Llantony Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 Thanks swissbarry, that really made me laugh!You need therapy, did you have a whistling potty when you were a toddler? A French friend warned us it can be dangerous in the south west to nip into the woods for a pee. You could be shot if a farmer mistakes you for a truffle rustler. Judging by the prices in the truffle market we went to, I bet they do guard their truffles carefully (why does that sound smutty?).We women do suffer too. When wearing trousers (as I usually do) having a p*e means exposing the b*m and it's impossible to pull them up without standing up and becoming even more conspicous. Also can have a problem with wet feet and direction is difficult.I'm not being coy - I put the asterisks in because it's the 3rd time I've tried to post and thought perhaps there's a filter on (slighly) rude words.Llantony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loopy Lou Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Oh brilliant! A laugh a minute. I am sitting here with a stitch in my side and tears leaking from my eyes in the middle of an open-plan office. No fair!!Thank you for cheering me up so well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bryansmith Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Hi Swissbarrywe have all been in similar difficult situation I'm sure but your wit and humour seem to make it almost bearable. Please keep on with the tales I laughed and laughed this morningthanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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