Re: What's your funniest forum moment?

[Cendrillon]

Crikey! I have just listened to it and Salmonescia's voice seems to be very deep indeed, must be all those cigarettes she smokes.

[just john]

[quote user="Rose"][quote user="just john "] Type into Translate, and play translation (http://translate.google.com/#auto|sq|''Pierre%2C%20I%20do%20believe%20we%20have%20some%20unfinished%20business''  [/quote]

sorry to disturb the flow... but am I the only one who actually did this [:$] [/quote]

No silly, I did[kiss]

Jon was waiting at the church, the quatre quatre parked alongside the urinal.
Colette looked about her as she parked the other side of the church and walked to where Jon was parked,
it really was like being in the résistance.
''I will say this only once'' said Jon ''Do you know where we can enjoy the evening'' He said with a grin!
''I'm staying at Hotel Balladin, Boulevard Winston Churchill, follow me and we'll find a little hot spot''.
His lights disappeared and Collette started back to her car, the new Range Rover, a bit more upmarket than Jons 'Disco' to find a surprise leaning up against her door.
She was startled as Haley lit a marlborough making it clear as her face lit up to Collette that it was Jons wife almost giggling.
''Haley!'' she startled. Madame's eyes, which had been half-shut, fly open. 
''Hi Collette'' Haley replied embracing her with an overtly friendly bisous.
''Let Jon wait, I'm sure we have a lot to talk about while the men are occupied'' A smile of collusion spreads across their faces, Haley tossed a coin, ''Game on?''
Collette begins to tremble a little; a frisson of je ne sais quoi is seeping down her spine.
''OK, let me get rid of your Taxi, Collette paid the driver of the waiting Sedona and returned to the waiting Hayley, accelerating away they both let out a squawk of release, ''Game on'' said Collette . . .

 

[britgirl]

[quote user="sweet 17"]You mean Colette isn't going to fry the piranha from Tiranha?  I'm confused now.....what feesh then?[/quote]

 

Red herrings of course.[Www]

[just john]

[quote user="britgirl"] [quote user="sweet 17"]You mean Colette isn't going to fry the piranha from Tiranha?  I'm confused now.....what feesh then?[/quote]Red herrings of course. [Www] [/quote]

As it twists and turns, all the opportunities are open to all to define the direction. Come on in, the water's fine![6]

[Gardian]

P-Y followed Salmonescia out of the restaurant and followed her up the dimly lit stairs. Even as a true patriot, he wondered why everything was so dark inside French establishments. After two flights of stairs, the dodgy-tasting Boudin Blanc that he had consumed for dinner in these less-than-salubrious premises was beginning to give him trouble.

Nonetheless, the prospect of what Salmonescia might have to show him was proving irresistible. They finally reached the top of the stairs, she extracted a key from her décolletage and they entered. P-Y took in the vista. It was a dreary room – the kind of room that many weary travellers have encountered over the years. Flock wallpaper covering the walls, ceiling and even the door to the en suite, itself barely large enough to swing a souris.  

“Well Pierre-Yves, we meet again” said Horrocks from a chair in the corner, as he waved the pistol in the direction of P-Y’s Boudin Blanc laden midriff. “We have some talking to do”.

P-Y was beginning to think that he would have been better to have stayed in tonight and watched the Presidential address by that cretin Sarkozy, but he was where he was and needed to show this Anglais that he was unperturbed.

“You’ll never get away with this” said P-Y, immediately realising that he had no idea what it was that Horrocks was after.

“Sal – would you be so kind as to fix us a couple of stiff digestifs. It looks as though Pierre-Yves could do with one”, said Horrocks. “Then, I’ll start to enlighten him”.   

[Gardian]

"A jeni teliing mua se unë kam marrë për të shes gjithë rrugës poshtë në bar për të marrë brandies tuaj?" said Salmonescia.

"Yes  - and make it snappy", said Horrocks.

[Cendrillon]

P-Y sips his drink and waits for their next move, little does he know that Salmonescia popped a pill into his glass. Before his eyes glaze over he happens to look out of the window and sees a familiar looking  quatre, quatre drive past. Surely it cannot be the "taxi" that delivered Colette to Ashforr'.

[just john]

Collette parked outside the restaurant, ''Voila'', they had already had the conversation that they had had enough of shall we say their spouses pecadillos and that to confront them in the most embarrassing way, would be most likely to elicit a change in the preferred direction.
At first Collette had been mortified that this slip of an english rose (unaware of the Dartford accent) had caught her virtually in flagrante delicto, she had momentarily stiffened, prepared to haughtily brazen it out, then apologised for her liaisons with Jon. Haley dismissed it lightly ''That's a chat for another time, monte comme un ane, but a rest is as good as a change sometimes''
Collette understood enough, so relaxed at Haleys demeanor and returned to the brief friendship they had created, aware their hockey cameradie had sent a frisson of je ne sais quoi seeping down her spine
''This is where he is, he said he had to meet a work colleague, but I recognised her, she has appeared regularly in the past, God knows why he is attracted to her, il est tordu.'' said Collette.
At that Moment they saw Salmonescia's bulky frame approaching the bar. ''Does she know you'' asked Haley ''Direct Action girl, One either side'' without waiting for an answer Haley got out of the Range Rover and entered the bar,
Salmonescia had a tray with three glasses of VSOP and had just turned when Collette and Haley either side steered her into a table in the corner of the restaurant.
''Three glasses?'' Madame's eyes, which had been half-shut, fly open.
 ''You don't know what you doing'' blurted Salmonescia, her recognition of Collette had reduced her alarm though.
''Why don't you tell us'' Haley replied downing a generous glass of VSOP in one ''for starters'' her voice very deep indeed, from the Marlborough she smokes,
Haley lite another, exhaling into Salmonescia's face in true Dartford fashion.

edit: Where are you Riff-Raff , if ever P-Y needed you, it is now ! !

[Gardian]

Agent Jean-Luc Ponce (this isn’t just a cheap laugh, it’s a very common name around here!) sat in his Police Municipale 207 waiting for his shift to end.

Clermont Ferrand on a chilly November Friday evening wasn’t the most exciting place and nothing at all had happened since he started work at 14.00 apart from the sinistre that had occurred at the junction of the Avenue de la Republique and the Rue des Boulangers. Two idiots rushing home had collided and it had taken all his powers of organisation to sort things out.

At the age of 47, he felt that he was slightly past his prime: sure enough, that view was shared by his wife Monique. He just needed an opportunity to show his mettle, an opportunity to demonstrate to Capitain Leveque, a young upstart from Lyon, that he was worthy of promotion.

He had been watching a quatre quatre with an Anglais matriculation messing around outside the Hotel de Commerce. Not usually many Anglais in CF at this time of the year, but not necessarily suspicious. However, their furtive demeanour made him feel suspicious.

One of them was a little past her prime – unlike him of course. The other was ……….. well, delectable.

They had entered the hotel: he thought that he'd leave it for a few minutes and then drop by for a routine visit.

Might this lead to a melange a six (I think it’s six – lost count) in the hotel room?         

[just john]

 

At the age of 47, J-L was slightly past his prime: sure enough, the view of his wife Monique. and Capitain Leveque, a young upstart from Lyon. Mind you Leveque probably would remember that the english quatre quatre contained the single man illegally parked up, not budging whereas the Parisien quatre quatre with Diplomatic plates outside the Hotel de Commerce. had contained les deux femme that had now decamped to the bar; And as to whether one was a little past her prime – unlike him of course, depended on whether you were looking for a Cougar or a e rrr hockey player. Might this lead to a melange a six if he could get the throis femme up to the hotel room with the two men. (there was a missed opportunity if ever there was one.) Well sitting out here in the deux cent sept wouldn't do it. Where were we . . . ah yes Decision Time, the thing was did he feel lucky, well did he?[:)]

[Cendrillon]

Haley who has tried to assault Salmonescia has caught the attention of the hotel staff who in turn have called the police. Thankfully J-L was waiting outside, his big moment had arrived and he was there in seconds. He has arrested Haley for breach of the peace and for smoking inside a public building.[Www]

Meanwhile upstairs Jean-Yves has remembered a few karate kicks that he picked up during his service militaire and having managed to overthrow Horrocks rushes down the stairs straight into the arms of his petite Colette.

[mint]

Where are you Riff-Raff , if ever P-Y needed you, it is now ! !

Riff-Raff?  He's been washed away by the Vendée floods, collecting the taxe de séjour or, having unleashed this monster, he's lying low.

[just john]

Not much of a promotion opportunity here, however he did have wits about him; and stopped the group leaving, ordering the bar staff to shut the door, and ordering everyone to sit down, just as he was about to request back-up he saw Jon bashing on the door to be let in and hearing a crash behind him as P-Y collapsed to the floor he turned to see Horrocks attempting to exit through the 'in' door to the kitchen as the kitchen staff came out through the entry door and grabbed him. While Horrocks pulled his gun J-L fired from the hip and managed to wing Horrocks in the shoe[:)]. But he now had everyones attention. ''Let him in'' he said to the bar staff on the door as Jon changed his mind. ''M'sieur Put your hands on your head and sit down'' he ordered. (Too much to attempt in my French.) P-Y groaned in the rather ridiculous position he had collapsed in and gave out a prout. What did he do now, his phone crackled,'' Oui?''  ''Panier à salade pour six plus vite'' J-L replied . . .

 

[Incidently Riff Raff and Pierre-Yves Pompodore de Frou-Frou  have emigrated to new life in Night of the Radish© ]

[Gardian]

The Dénouement had finally arrived.

It was a bit like ‘Murder on the Orient Express’, though in a rather less salubrious setting and with considerably less salubrious characters.

Pierre-Yves, being helped moaning to his feet by his less-than-faithful Colette.

Jon, who had recently arrived through the front door, having just decamped from one of several quatre quatres outside and now had his hands on his head.

Haley from Dartford, about whom the least said the better.

Group Captain Norman Horrocks, RAF pilot and failed escapist, whose presence here in CF on a November evening seemed to be just a soupcon suspicious.

Salmonescia (aka Salmonella or Sal), who had only four words to say: "Ju jeni të gjithë derra" (well ....... “You are all pigs” came out as five in Albanian!!)

Jean-Luc Ponce, 47, Agent of the Police Municipale de Clermont Ferrand, whose moment had arrived.

J-L summed things up concisely: “I have reason to believe that the situation here is ...... pas normale”.................

[Cendrillon]

"J-L summed things up concisely: “I have reason to believe that the situation here is ...... pas normale”................."

This being the understatement of the year![8-|]

Gardian, thanks for the summary [:)]

[just john]

Pierre-Yves le Pompidore de Foru-Foru clacked his tongue with suppressed indignation. Once more situations conspired to allow his second life to overtake his first and once again would require diplomacy to prevent the end of his so far less than exemplary career in the lower departments of the Foreign Ministry. Worse he had been banished to this God forsaken hole in the department of Puy de dome, reduced to only 19th in popularity; but he never forgot his rank, and that currently was a member of France Corp Diplomatic. During earlier discussions it had been suggested to him he might be promoted to head dummy (le mouton a cinq pattes) it had been indicated to him that this new European "foreign minister" will chair the regular meetings of EU foreign ministers and have two bosses: the presidents of the European Commission and European Council. A position worth drawing himself to his full height despite currently avoir le moral a zero.

 And now, this humiliation: dealing with a tatty, baleful, nullissime over this trifling matter, he was not about to faire un travail de cochon on this occasion, (quand le poules auront des dents[:)])

 He flickered his distinguished nostrils, those orifice that had made so many covetous.

 “M’sieur” he barked in his best authoritarian tone, developed by great devotion to the creation of its effect, “M’sieur, it is a very simple matter! Allow me to present my card, you will need to respect my diplomatic immunity, My wife and her friend have arrived to collect me from a meeting during which this other, I hesitate to say Lady and Gentleman attempted to compromise me. I will be pressing charges and will require you to take them into custody, This Englishman is the husband of my wifes friend, I can vouch for him. This matter I'm sure you realise must remain private so as not to cause a diplomatic incident; indeed it could have a beneficial effect on your career if handled exactly as I suggest, and I suggest you allow myself and my party to depart forthwith, you may contact me tomorrow and we will of course avail ourselves to enable you to proceed with charges against this nefarious couple. For once P-Y was unaware of just how close to mark he was and exactly how well he might be regarded for his actions tonight.
Whereas this hapless Agent of the Police Municipale de Clermont Ferrand, Jean-Luc Ponce, 47, whose moment had arrived, still was confused, fortunately for his future after examining the card he did as he always did and bowed to pressure from those he assumed to be above him, and as always with a little sarcasm and resentment.

J-L said concisely: “of course...... pas quitter la ville”.................

Pierre-Yves knew when to act and touching Collette's arm ushered her Haley and Jon out into the night air as the sirens of the approaching police reinforcements grew louder.

Pierre-Yves wanted to scream at his success, as Collette thrashed the Range Rover through the deserted streets, she was more than aware of the extra leeway which the CD plates gave her. While to escape seemed to more than satisfy her Anglo-Saxon Lover and he grinned broadly. “Oh Pete me old fruit, what a result!” as if they were best buddies. Haley silently sat in the gloom, pensive.

Pierre-Yves held his immaculate head in his manicured hands. How would this all end . . .

 

[Cendrillon]

Haley was relieved that her assault charge had been dropped and sat quietly sulking in the back of the quatre, quatre planning her next move.

(edit i before e etc[Www])

Salmonescia had been collected by the pompiers and taken to hospital followed by a police escort. In the fight with Haley her nose had been broken and she was not a pretty sight, well even less than usual. [;-)]

Horrocks was still being questioned by the gendarmes and was taken to the Gendarmerie for the night.

[Gardian]

The Chamalières ‘nick’ in the suburbs of CF, was hardly the sort of place that Horrocks felt that a man of his standing should be taken to.

There was going to be a lot of explaining to do, even to these idiots from the Centre. The flic, who he suspected couldn’t normally hit a barn door in daylight, had managed to fire off a round and hit him on the foot and he was hobbling badly.

Since Horrocks’ recruitment in to A.S.S. (Albanian Secret Service, in case you haven’t been paying attention), he had been operating on a candlestein basis within the UK armed forces. He now had to get out of here, and fast. His quarry, his wife and the two other Brits seemed to have got away scot-free. Meanwhile, he was being detained in this dodgy dive!

The Custody Sergeant looked to be the sort of man who had thrived on a life of steak frites as opposed to salade composée. “M’sieur, je suis anglais et mon nom est Horrocks”. The sergeant winced at the grotesque accent and use of the French language. “As a British national, I demand to be released. What happened back there was just a domestic dispute. D’accord?” A nod of bored acquiescence from the long-suffering sergeant.

“Ponce”, said Horrocks. “Take me to this address, de suite”.

 

Meanwhile, at the Hôpital Mitterrand, Salmonescia had been briefly admitted for attention to her broken trunk, under the watchful gaze of a 19 year old trainee Gendarme. Whilst the well-intentioned hospital staff were endeavouring to ascertain which version of interpreter to try to lay their hands on, she head-butted her ‘captor’ and legged it for the sortie.

“Take me to zees address”, she said to the passing cabbie, who had had scarier passengers when full of Liverpool supporters that night three seasons ago.

 

All six of the ménage + Ponce, were converging once again. Surely, surely, this would be the end?

[Cendrillon]

C'est le weekend:

Horrocks and Salmonscia are holed-up in a dodgy pension in the back streets of Clermont-Ferrand.

Jon and Haley have been deposited back at Jon's hotel though Haley can't understand why he booked the bridal suite.[blink]

J-Y and Colette are now home and relieved that for the moment they can recover, draw breath and perhaps enjoy a quiet weekend on their own.

[just john]

As P-Y retired dopily to his bed, he checked his texts, it simply read Quai d'Orsay. He had a meeting with his A.i. early tomorrow Collette would drop him at the airport, there was no point avoiding the inevitable he thought.

On her return, Collette entered the hotel and knocked on Jon's room, expecting him and Haley to be ready to leave, but far from it, they were still in bed, Hayley sat up and reached her hand out to Collette, Collette gave her a sideways look and felt a frisson but ignored Haley's baratin. ''Look, the woman Salmonella has une querelle d'Allemand, really nasty, I think you should get away as far as possible, take my keys to our place in Carnac, it's on the way to the coast, just get away from here, before they come looking.''

''You continue to surprise me Pierre-Yve'' started A.i. ''that you outmanoeuvred Horricks, after he had managed to elude DGSE (Direction Générale de la Sécurité Extérieure), for the last few days, but he knew his days were numbered. No matter, as he crossed the road to the pharmacy he ran in front of Jean-Luc Ponce's driving the Custody Sergeant's car and was run over, well Jean-Luc wasn't driving but he will be promoted to Corsica in return''. A.i. said humourously.

P-Y had no comprehension of anything so far and knew when in doubt say nowt, though on second thoughts decided he ought to say something so asked casually ''was he killed?'', nostrils flaring gently.
A.i. grinned ''not then no, but in the SMUR, after his injection''. He paused ''If Ségolènes brother can sink the Rainbow Warrier it's no problem to accidentally run over someone like Horrocks'' he grinned again.

''Changing the subject P-Y I understand you have a maison secondaire in Carnac which is much admired by your attache troisieme ?, well we all enjoy our Weekends; if you would arrange for the keys to be handed to our legal department they will exchange for your new place in Ajaccio! I hope you like your reward, in anycase it is quicker to fly to Corsica. Of course you understand that the department holds you in high regard, because of your history and not least because you are our man'' he smiled again. ''Incidently there will be times that the department will need to rent the villa, for diplomatic receptions etc, this will be done through an appropriate agency and of course you will be reimbursed. A flight has been arranged for you to go direct and Madame will be taken to the airport to meet you at Ajaccio, I have arranged for you to be met and taken to the villa probably best to stay there for a week while we sweep up Salmonescia . . . .''

P-Y was once more rendered speechless, he didn't even understand the implication that he, Pierre-Yves le Pompidore de Foru-Foru could possible be in the pocket of his A.i. for some future as yet unknown purpose, it seemed that his A.i. Horrocks and Salmonescia all knew ( in Horrocks case, had known) more than him; all he could think was his alter ego Napoléon was born in Ajaccio!

 

[Gardian]

         Fin

"Au revoir" from Pierre-Yves, Colette, Jon & Haley. 

"Ju qen derr, unë do të kthehem", from Salmonescia