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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.


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  • 2 weeks later...


Dexia BIGGER than ALL the greek banks put in one chocolate tea pot.

Dexxia, the pink one, top of the league, in good health.[:)]


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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.  He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden.  He descended a bit more and shouted,

'Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

'You must be an Accountant,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the woman. 'How did you know?'

'Well' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help at all.  If anything, you have delayed my journey.'

The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am', replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well', said the woman, 'you don't know where you are, or where you're going.  You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become my fault!'

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  • 4 weeks later...

Mick and Paddy

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The  morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
 friends, Mick and Paddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two @rseholes.'

'What? He had two @rseholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Stew with them two @rseholes.'


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  • 2 weeks later...

Problems facing the european currency, eg Ireland and Portugal having had a bailout
Greece facing collapse and needing another bailout.

Should the UK adopt The Euro?

A cross-section survey of 10,000 people in Blackburn, made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese and Zimbabweans were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency and adopt the Euro.
99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

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 Latest Physics Jokes:

Neutrino walks into a bar.

Barman: "What can I get you?"

Neutrino: "Oh nothing, I’m just passing through"



Want to hear a joke about neutrinos? It’d probably go straight through you.



"Knock, Knock"


"Who’s there?"



We don’t serve faster than light neutrinos in here’, said the barman. A neutrino walks into a bar."



To get to the other side. Why did the neutrino cross the road?

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Not for the faint hearted[:D]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.


She directs him to the correct aisle.


A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cottonwool balls and a ball of string on the counter.


She looks at him confused, and says,  Sir I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?'


He answers 'You see it's like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolloing papers, cause it's soooooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own...... so does she'[:-))]
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The Obedient Wife

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
   and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife... ' When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. ' 

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died...

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

 ' Wait just a moment! '

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,
 ' Girl, I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband. ' 

The loyal wife replied,
 ' Listen, I 'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him. '

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!? '

 ' I sure did, ' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.....
 If he can cash it, then he can spend it. '
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  • 2 weeks later...

Bloke has a really bad motor bike accident and loses his manhood.

The insurance company finally pay out and he decides to go to a Harley st surgeon and get a replacement

So of he toddles and has a meeting. The surgeon says "of course we can help, what size would you like?"

The bloke replies..i've got a bit of cash, what can you offer.

So they go into a back room and the surgeon has a display of what he can get...

Here we have a 8" replacement....it wll cost you 5,000

"Well", says the bloke, "Ive got a bit more than that, have you anything bigger?"

Here we have a 10" replacement..it wll cost you 10,000

I've got more to spend

How about this 12" ? 15,000?

"How much for your biggest?" says our man...

Here we have our largest... at 18" it's 25,000 says the surgeon

"Great, I'll take it"...says the bloke

"...but do you have one in white?"


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La nourriture met 7 secondes pour aller de la bouche à l'estomac.

Un cheveu humain peut supporter 3 kilos.

Le pénis représente 3 fois la longueur de son pouce.

Les femmes clignent des yeux 2 fois plus que les mecs.

La peau d'un humain pèse 2 fois plus que son cerveau...

Les femmes ont déjà fini de lire ce message...

Les hommes sont encore en train de mesurer leur pouce.

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A man was driving his Alfa down a twisty B road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The driver pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Italy so I can drive over anytime I want to get my spares."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the channel and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The driver thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."












The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Charles and Camilla were driving through the gates of Buckingham Palace

when suddenly one of the Queen's corgis ran under the wheels of the car

and was totally flattened.

Charles was scratching his head about what he was going to tell his mum when he spotted a genie hiding in the shrubbery.

Because he had been seen, the genie had to grant Charles one wish.

"Can you make the corgi well again" says Charles.

The genie looks down at the dog which is completely totally flat and shakes his head.

"Have you another wish as that which you have asked is beyond even my powers" replies the genie.

" If that's the case, could you make Camilla beautiful" asks Charles.

The genie looks at Camilla and ponders on this request for a moment and replies.............

"Hang on, I'll have another look at the dog."
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[quote user="JohnM"]LOL, but totally unfair. In my (admittedly limited) experience Camilla much better in the flesh than in the pics that picture editors choose to publish, I also found her very a very nice, down to earth person.

                            Spec savours are doing free eye tests  this week......


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Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland ....
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[quote user="Pierre ZFP"]

Le pénis représente 3 fois la longueur de son pouce.

Les femmes clignent des yeux 2 fois plus que les mecs.



Bien sûr que les femmes clignent des yeux 2 fois plus que les mecs. Elles re-ajustent leur vision pour bien voir cette quéquette supposée être 3 fois la longueur d'un pouce. En vérité elles n'y voient que 3 fois la largeur d'un poil [:P][:D][:D]

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