Quick laugh

[Scooby]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost unnoticed last week.  Larry La Prise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey' died peacefully at the age of 93.  The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin.  They put his left leg in...

then the b----y trouble started................

[AnOther]

Fings wot peepul do say

 

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed:
"I had a good eight inches last night."

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV:
"This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:
"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith:
"You're a bit of a knockers man."
"Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers:
"Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships:
"Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him."

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors:
"That's enough Dick for both of you."

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:
"This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."

BEST TILL LAST

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

[Bugsy]

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
 Operator:        "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:           "A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:            "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:            "Tell them you're too *******stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[Geordie girl]

 

 

 

[:D][:D][:D]

[AnOther]

Insurance Excuses

     The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.

     The lorry driver halted and worked for the corporation.

     I collided with a stationary tramcar coming in the other direction.

     The occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.

     I left my Austin Seven outside, and when I came out later, to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.

     To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

     There were plenty of lookers on, but no witnesses.

     The water from my radiator accidently froze at twelve midnight.

     The accident was due to an invisible lorry narrowly missing me.

     I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident occurred.

     After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.

     I collided with a stationary tree.

     There was no damage to the car as the gate post will testify.

     The accident was due to the road bending.

     The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman but it would be more correct in calling him a garage proprietor.

     The other man altered his mind and I had to run over him.

     I told the other idiot what he was and went on.

     One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the accellerator pedal, leapt across the lane to the other side and jammed in the trunk of a tree.

     I remember nothing after passing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw P.C. Brown.

     A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

     A bull was standing near-by and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

     If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself, it would not have happened.

     She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we collided.

     I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.

     I ran into the shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.

     I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

     I heard a horn blow and was violently struck in the back - a lady was evidently trying to pass me.

     Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven`t got.

     Three women were talking to each other, and when one stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.

     I can give no details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.

     Wilful damage was done to the upholstery by rats.

     A pedestrian hit me and went underneath my car.

     I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.

     I thought the garage had only four posts, but my car bumped into a fifth.

     I was overhauling the car when it was stolen.

     A lamp-post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.

     The car in front of me stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.

     I left my car unattended for a minute and whether by accident or design it ran away.

     The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

     I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital much regretting the circumstances.

     I thought the side window was down but it was up as I found out when I put my head through it.

     I consider neither vehicle to blame, but if either was to blame it was the other one.

     I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault and had been knocked over before.

     I looked for the sign but the more I looked the more I couldn`t find it.

     By the way, I believe if I had lost my head the accident could have been worse.

     I was knocked out as a result of the collision and was taken to hospital where I sustained serious injuries.

     The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.

     A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife`s face.

     The bloke was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

     I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

     In attempting to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

     I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

     I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing my to have an accident.

     As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

     To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

     My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

     An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

     I told the police I was not injured but upon removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.

     I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

     The pedestrian had no idea in which direction to run, so I ran over him.

     I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.

     The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

     I was thrown from my car as it left the road and was later found in a ditch by some stray boys.

     The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

     Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus;  the bus was five minutes early.

     The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

     I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

[AnOther]

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

[AnOther]

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

[AnOther]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

[AnOther]

I got a million of em..................[:D][:D][:D]

[Frenchie]

[:D][:D][:D] Ohhhhhh   naughty !!! [:D]

[AnOther]

Two cows in a field:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning"
"I don't believe you"
"It's true, straight up no bull"

[AnOther]

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you?'

[AnOther]

A seasonal one

 

Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order.
"Is that the usual?", the man asked.
"Yes, deep pan, crisp and even"

[Bugsy]

A Blonde one.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

[Pierre ZFP]

Two fish in a tank

One says to the other

'Can you drive this thing?'

[Bugsy]

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'I'll take the soup.'

[Frenchie]

[:D][:D][:D]

[AnOther]

I was chopping carrots with the grim reaper the other day.

 

 

 

 

I was dicing with death.

 

[Frenchie]

Do you know what 's wrapped in silver foil and climbs up clock towers ort churches at night ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The lunch pack of Notre Dame ..

[Bugsy]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

[AnOther]

A guy moved in with his girlfriend and her huge collection of magazines.

Eventually they came between them and when she refused to get rid of then he left.

 

 

 

 

She just had too many issues.

[Bugsy]

I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10. I named it Mohammed and sold it for £20. My question is though...

 

 

 

...have I made a prophet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Frenchie]

What s the difference between a man and a prison ??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a prison, .. there are a few grey cells .........     [:)]

[Bugsy]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

[Frenchie]

What s the difference between a man and a mosquito?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Mosquito only bothers you at night ... [:D]