Barred from Brico

[Motorhead]

I've just been barred for life from all the Brico Depots in France.

It was all a misunderstanding really. There's this guy who works in the local Depot who fancies himself as a bit of an English speaker. Anyway he came over to inform  me of a new promo they had for the summer.

However what he actually said was "you need decking" and I just happened to think it prudent to get my punch in first. 

[David]

I am afraid that I have a confession to make.  I thought your joke was so good that I copied it into an e-mail to my children, a son of 30 and a daughter of 26.

I should say that I am 58, overweight, live in a wheel chair, or at best for short journeys around brico depots I use two walking sticks, and I am quite a gentle soul.

So I copied your joke into an e-mail for the enjoyment of my kids, and what happened?

Two minutes after I came off line my son phoned most concerned that I had got myself into trouble!  I could hear the amosphere "What has he done now, we cannot let the senile old bloke out by himself".  Unfortunately I creased up, implied that the message was correct, promptly handed the phone to my wife, and wheeled out into the garden to laugh.  Wife also creased up and changed subject to son.

Son left thinking I had decked a shop assistant (while on two walking sticks!!!), and been thrown out of the shop by the collar.

Wife and I have had the giggles ever since, and do not know how we are to answer the phone when daughter phones.  Or even when son next phones.  Any advice anyone??

Many thanks for a great joke which left us laughing all day.

p.s.  We managed to give the gist of the joke to our French neighbours who also creased up, so you have made four people very happy today.

Thanks, ..... but how do we get out of trouble with our son?

 

[Tresco]

Hi David

If you and your wife have had a good giggle out of it so far, why not roll with it?.

Between you, you could come up with a few more 'demented codger' stories, with your wife playing the long (or newly) suffering sidekick. Go on, it could be fun.

[Miki]

David,

It struck me as a cross between the now famous Little Britain sketch and Alf Garnett pushing his beloved wife about in her wheelchair. I simply rolled up at your son and his panicking about his Dad. My kids are always asking their Mum "What's Dad up to now ?"

We have a friend back in blighty who was struck down with polio at a young age and has been on calipers and/or sticks ever since. He is a laugh a minute. Way back in time we used to take him on the back of our scooters and he fell off more than once, it was he who laughed the loudest every time.

In later years he had a spell when he couldn't get about without an electric chair and one day we heard a shout from a few doors away, rushing around to see what had happened, we saw him right up against the large gate around the side of the house down a thin side "alley". He was stuck there and it took us a while to realise that of course the chair had no reverse and he was jammed up against the gate. When I went to push him back I saw his face, he was flooded in tears, not crying but laughing, so much so that we all just collapsed in fits of laughing.

When we finally convinced him he had to get a car to get about, he took a "million hours" to pass but he did, all the controls being on or around the steering wheel. Even having the car still brought problems, in the mid 80's he was stopped and breath tested, proving positive ( barely half a glass of wine over) and the court case was one of hours spent with the judge trying to find a loophole, looking through previous cases in the library to see if there was a precedent to allow him to issue anything but a ban. The police officers concerned were given the evil eye by all and sundry but not by David, he kept telling them they were only doing their job, while the rest of us were mouthing "obscenities" at them !!

The judge had to laugh, we had 30 character witnesses to testify for him but the judge got fed up after 3 and that was when I think he decided to see if there was not another lesser charge available but unfortunately there was not!

Whoops, went on a bit there but like you, I bet you have a million laughs (and of course some sadness no doubt)to tell. He dreaded going in a taxi with us, as we would all get out and walk off and leave him with the bill ! In fact I think we pulled that one on him everywhere we went !!

He was always the goalie when we were kids and slung himself everywhere to stop us scoring, so much so, we had to ban him using his "sticks" as he would cheat and use them to stop the shots !!

Without knowing it, I guess it was he taught all us friends to laugh and look beyond the obvious problems disabled people have in everyday life. Go on David, as Tresco said I bet you have some wonderfully humerous stories to tell.

[David]

Thanks for your replies Tresco and Miki.

I think the next instalment has already arisen.

Last night while navigating from the kitchen to the living room with a handful of cutlery to lay the table, my knee gave way and I fell.  While falling I put out my hand rather rapidly to try to save myself and caught my knuckle on the door post.

This morning I had to go to the hospital, and my knuckles are now bandaged.

So I am going to send my son a message that my knuckles are damaged (true) and that I was at the hospital (true).  Let him draw the conclusions.

I will let you know the results.  Only problem is that I am left handed, and I damaged my right knuckles!

By the way, daughter did not fall for it, she saw the joke and groaned.

I may start a new thread - any suggestions for the title?  Perhaps "The old dodderer"?  Then all can contribute??

[Tresco]

Hi David

Now daughter is in on it the chances are someone will give the game away, so milk it now while you have the chance.

The possibilities for you saying you got into mischief in the hsopital are pretty much endless. Get your wife to say you were lifting up nurses uniforms with your walking sticks, or that you ran over one of those yippy little dogs in the car park.....

I'm in the mood for slapstick.

By the way, I liked the Original Posters joke too.

 

[David]

Thanks for the idea Tresco,

I have sent daughter an e-mail telling her to keep quiet, but I cannot guarantee that she will as the two renegades support each other; that is daughter supports son, and will hear nothing against him.  Protective female I think.

I have in mind sending off an e-mail along the lines you suggested - thanks.

THE MIND BOGGLES AT THE POSSIBILITIES!!

David

[Motorhead]

I've been back in Scotland for the last week so I've missed all this.

I'm not all that surprised about David's son. Where I come from there has never been a great shortage of belligerent old guys that cause their sons grief.

So, I've got another story and this one is 100% true. I knew this old guy called Andy who was 92 or 93 at the time. He was actually in great shape for his age. His hands shook a bit but his only real handicap was deafness, you had to shout into his ear a few times before he got the message.

Andy lived in quite a rough part of the town and on his daily dodder back from the shops he would have to pass the corner boys. Now corner boys are a bit of an institution in that part of the world. Their average age is actually about 55 and they are men who have already been thrown on the scrapheap. The men's wives put them out in the morning like you would put a cat out for the night and with no money they congregate on a street corner to amuse themselves as best they can.

Now, one of their major amusements was that as soon as Andy passed by they would hurl all sorts of insults, safe in the knowledge that he couldn't hear them. So this day started like any other but what the corner boys didn't know was that the day before Andy had been fitted with a new hearing aid. As soon as the abuse started Andy turned around, marched back and the first of them got a tin of beans in the face. However before things could escalate a passing police car stopped and pulled Andy off to the station where his son (who was 70 at the time) had to go and bail him out.

Andy passed away about 10 years ago but he still has the record for the oldest man ever to be arrested by the local constabulary.

[David]

Dear Tresco,

I sent my son an e-mail about my knuckles, and another about nursess skirts and walking sticks, but so far there has been an ominous silence from son.

I think daughter has tipped him off.

It was fun while it lasted.

Since then I have been on my best behaviour, so no new stories at the moment.

At least I did not throw any cans of baked beans!